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Why does he deny the patently obvious??

(204 Posts)
Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 19:38:26

He's been caught out cheating by me reading the texts, still denies it ever happened. Just found tweets to some random girl commenting on her good looks, again denied it was him.
Does he think I'm that stupid? And why cheat if you don't want to leave?
Sorry, more of a rant than anything else.

Casmama Sun 05-Jan-14 19:39:45

Presumably because he thinks there is a chance, no matter how small that if he continues to stonewall you will eventually let it drop.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 05-Jan-14 19:40:10

Hi op sorry to hear this

Cake and eat it, why leave when you get sex meals laundry and all the perks simples.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 05-Jan-14 19:42:55

I guess he thinks that if he denies it strenuously enough, you'll believe him rather than the evidence of your own eyes. And the belief of most cheaters is, I think, that (a) they won't get found out; (b) if they do get found out, they'll get away with it by denying it strenuously. Sorry this is happening to you.

Jinglejanglesleighbells Sun 05-Jan-14 19:43:34

He sounds very cowardly. Agree with guilty; cake and eating it and he's clinging onto the hope you'll believe him. Are you thinking of leaving him?

Fairenuff Sun 05-Jan-14 19:46:25

Because he knows you will get over it and he can keep doing it?

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 19:47:48

Can't leave. Have tried a couple of times but he uses the kids against me, turns up crying on in front of them day after day, couldn't bear to hand them over to him every weekend so I've decided to put up and shut up until they're older. Also my work hours mean I couldn't get childcare for them.
Was just venting I suppose.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 19:56:05

Well firstly you can leave and always have that choice. He will have to get over his pathetic tears and move on. This is no good for your dcs. He won't stop cheating because he has no reason too. You won't do anything about it so why should he?

Stop looking and let him get on with it if you won't leave.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:13:16

I wasn't snooping, just came across it whilst on my account. I've asked that he does whatever he's doing privately so I can ignore it more easily.
I have no family and work shifts, physically cannot work without him being here to look after kids when I'm not at home.
I appreciate how pathetic this makes me but like I said I just wanted to vent.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 20:21:10

You are not pathetic, Didn't mean to make you feel bad, but I know what the choices are and why ever you thin you can't leave you really can. You can work your shifts around dcs staying at his place, get babysitter, change jobs etc. etc. It is always possible to find a solution apart from living in a crap relationship.x

CarryOnDancing Sun 05-Jan-14 20:23:36

Surely by the time your kids are old enough for to leave, they are old enough to have the negative effects of years of this odd and negative behaviour?
There's not even a point to ranting when you've already given him the green light to cheat. He's doesn't need to hide it and he's obviously seeing how much you will take and how far he can push his behaviour.

This is a very sour lesson to teach your kids. You are just teaching them it's ok to make a commitment and not keep it, it's ok to lie cheat and disrespect people and that there are no consequences for actions. Plus they potentially get the misery of reliving the same life themselves by imitating the situation in their own lives.

Surely there's a better way?

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:29:58

I am pretty good at pretending carryondancing but I do understand what you're saying about damaging them.
I've tried to end it before but it's horrendous, threats to kill himself, hundreds of texts and calls all day every day, starting rows in front of the kids when he was visiting them.
It's easier to let him stay and just carry on, we go on family days out with the kids and I act like everything's fine - I know you're going to say the kids will be able to see through that!
I think maybe I'm past caring about my relationship, I certainly don't want another one so I might as well play happy families.
I hope this doesn't make me a bad person, maybe a doormat though.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:31:08

Yes I could change jobs but I'm so cowardly I'm terrified of making the change even if I know it's the right thing to do.

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 05-Jan-14 20:31:47

Aloneandnowwhat, I really sympathise with you, I agree that with shifts childcare is an absolute nightmare unless family can help or you can afford a nanny. I've been looking for work since ex-dh buggered off and it's been very difficult - can't do any "flexible working" that part-time jobs seem to want you to be able to do (!!!), can't do nights, can't do evenings, nurseries shut at 6pm....you're in a really difficult situation and I don't blame you for staying. I'd have been much better off if we'd stayed together. But now much happier smile Just poor!

BIWI Sun 05-Jan-14 20:32:58

But what kind of relationship are you modelling for your DC? You are far better off without him.

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 05-Jan-14 20:33:03

But if you are able to change jobs to one that childcare can fit around in order to free yourself from this man then I would.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 20:34:08

I think it will make you a very ill person Alone, I have been in your position and can guarantee you that you are no different to sooo many women. Your H s horrid, he will not kill himself. If you are getting this awful behaviour when you split there are people who will help. You will then have the weight of the law behind you because he will not be your H and solicitors and police are used to dealing with bullies like him. My advice would be to talk to someone in real life start with WA.

He has worn you down and your are now a result of his abuse. You really should change this life it is not sustainable as it is whatever you think now.

SingleAndLovingIt Sun 05-Jan-14 20:37:55

I know it seems scary but you will be OK

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:46:31

Well I locked him out six months ago because it was the only way I knew how to get him to leave. He smashed the window so I called the police. They turned up after an hour and made me leave with my son because he said he had nowhere to go. I was 8 months pregnant. After that I had the health visitor round loads to check on me and my son, I don't want them thinking I'm a bad mother.
Single, I do work nights. Not qualified for anything so don't think I'd find another job. Parents are no longer alive or else I'd be back with them in a heartbeat.
I don't hate my life, I have my kids who make it worth living. I think maybe this is all I think I'm worth.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 20:48:07

I know I will have to find a way out some time, when I can't hide my disgust at him. Lithe last thing I want is for my children to be affected at all.

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 20:50:26

Thats what worried me my lovely, that he has worn you down and he has made you feel worthless. The police aren't the right people to help you . Firsts stop should be womans aid and a good solicitor.The police should be used to enforce the law when you have things sorted. If you don't feel you are worth more then consider that your dcs are and that by being so worn down you are depriving them of the best mum they could have. They will know the darkness in you even though you think you hide it.x

solosolong Sun 05-Jan-14 20:58:02

Alone, how old are your DC? Maybe it will get easier for you as they get older. It does open up possibilities when they can have sleep-overs etc.. Sounds like a really rubbish situation for you and you certainly are worth more than that.
I know it probably sounds silly, but have you tried talking to him and asking why he behaves like he does?

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:06:50

They're 2 and a half and 6 months. I thought things might get easier when they start school.
I do ask him and he completely denies doing anything. I have screenshots of his texts to a woman at work discussing their having had sex and he still denies it! Makes me feel like I'm insane.
Then he wonders why I don't want to sleep with him.

Aloneandnowwhat Sun 05-Jan-14 21:07:49

My el before him was exactly the same. I know he cheated but even if I asked him today he would still deny it. I thought it must just be a man thing, or a me thing?

cjel Sun 05-Jan-14 21:08:44

This is so sad, My hope for you would be that you will reach out in RL and make the steps you need to make all your lives different.

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