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DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

(198 Posts)
sadsaddersaddest Thu 26-Dec-13 14:43:13

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

MrsSquirrel Thu 26-Dec-13 14:51:34

Sorry you are having such a rubblish time sss.

Him denying there is something wrong is just a load of nonsense. It takes two people to make a marriage. If you think there is something wrong, then there is something wrong.

whitsernam Thu 26-Dec-13 14:52:01

Your name says it all, and your sadness comes through in your words. I am so sorry he's doing this. Has he done it before? Or is this new?

I'm not the wisest poster on here, but I think I'd want to get legal advice and go for some counselling myself... to try and figure out what might be a good move. But mostly, I just want you to know someone read your post and was touched by it. Sending you strength... Keep breathing!! Keep writing, if it helps at all, and soon someone wiser will be along.

sadsaddersaddest Thu 26-Dec-13 14:54:51

Thank you for your message. I feel a little less lonely.

I know there is something wrong.
It is not the first time he has sulked this year, but I usually know why. For instance, he didn't talk to me for a week because I asked him what he planned to do with a camping stove he wanted to buy (we never go camping).
I have no idea what I have done this time.

Bunbaker Thu 26-Dec-13 15:01:05

It isn't what you have done. This is the worst thing about other people who behave like this. They always make you think it is your fault.

This is his fault not yours.

TheCrumpetQueen Thu 26-Dec-13 15:02:11

Sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

When were things good? Have they ever been?

This sounds like torture to me, I would corner him and tell him he has to stop treating me like a don't exist or just leave.

How utterly ridiculous of him. And how horrible for you to have to put up with this. Unless you act now, you're going to be treading on eggshells until he decides you've suffered enough.
Personally I would say firmly and clearly, "I absolutely refuse to live like this. Either explain what the issue is or I'm taking steps to begin a life on my own."
People only give their partners the silent treatment if
a) they're cunts
b) they lack the emotional maturity to explain a real problem.
c) they want you to be in a state of worry over "what you've done wrong."

sadsaddersaddest Thu 26-Dec-13 15:06:34

Crumpet things used to be good, even if I realise now there were a few red flags I missed at the time.
Yesterday he woudn't even taste my food for Christmas lunch. He ate the Brussels sprouts he had prepared, everything our guests brought, even the sushi our neighbour gave us, but somehow didn't feel well enough to taste the meal I had spent hours cooking.

I am crying again now.

MrsSquirrel Thu 26-Dec-13 15:07:42

It's nothing you have done. It's not your fault he behaves this way. He is a grown man and responsible for his own actions.

You are unhappy, so unhappy that you spent last night and the best part of today in tears. It doesn't worry him that you are unhappy. That doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me. sad

Cantremembermyid Thu 26-Dec-13 15:09:22

sorry you are going through this

could he be having an affair and feeling guilty? therefore trying to avoid confrontation and having to confess?

MatryoshkaDoll Thu 26-Dec-13 15:10:14

He sounds like a cruel cunt tbh and not worth your tears. Although I can understand why it's so upsetting.

What are your circumstances with the house/money, etc? Could you suggest he leaves? Could you leave? You don't deserve to be treated like this.

sadsaddersaddest Thu 26-Dec-13 15:10:55

I really don't think there is an OW.

Bunbaker Thu 26-Dec-13 15:11:34

He is an arse. He is using psychological bullying to make you feel bad about yourself.

Cerisier Thu 26-Dec-13 16:05:51

He wouldn't eat what you had cooked but ate what others had provided? Incredibly rude. He seems to have checked out of the relationship and doesn't have the decency or emotional maturity to sit and discuss things with you.

As others say, it is time to get yourself organised. Once he realises you have options and will not put up with this nonsense then his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Lavenderhoney Thu 26-Dec-13 18:09:27

Well its not you for a start. And if you have done something " wrong" he should tell you and sort it out. But you know that, that's what you do, and encourage your dc to do?

However he has chosen to punish you and make you feel awful and ruin Christmas and the holiday season for you and your dc, and presumably guests. If he won't talk, then write him a short succinct letter or even a text, " please discuss with me why you are ignoring me and treating me like this. You have til midnight tonight"

Then tomorrow, if he doesn't step up, have a really good think what you want to do. Is it apologise and go back to his normal and wait for the next bout of silent treatment or start to imagine not putting up with it a moment longer, ie making plans to split up.

If he has form for doing this, does he say he won't do it again?

sadsaddersaddest Thu 26-Dec-13 18:18:19

Lavender he once told me that I should be grateful when he is sulking, because he is not like those guys who shout and swear at their wives.
This year has been horrid, but I don't know if he is aware of it.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Thu 26-Dec-13 18:18:26

Good heavens, this is one of the worse threads I think I have read in a long time. This is horrendous. I am so sorry, and I feel so sorry for you. This is nasty, actually quite vile behaviour.

Would you ever consider leaving him? And I do not say that lightly.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Thu 26-Dec-13 18:20:15

In the meantime, ignore that son of a bitch.

TheCrumpetQueen Thu 26-Dec-13 18:22:18

He is sadistic and emotionally abusive.

OP, I'm not being deliberately rude, but... You don't come across as if you're planning to challenge him on it? X

ChasedByBees Thu 26-Dec-13 18:24:38

I think you should have a careful think about what you want your future to be. From your first post I assumed he had stopped loving you, but refusing to eat your food is a deliberate snub. So he's punishing you for something which makes it sound like he thinks this is an acceptable way to behave if there's an issue (or even a non issue - that was his reaction to a valid question about a camping stove?)

This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I think the only thing you can do is to shock him into talking and looking to choose - actively change himself - his behaviour. I would leave for a while with the kids. Do you have anyone you could stay with for a couple of weeks?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 18:24:44

Tell him to leave. He obviously hates you and hates family life. Help him out here and let him go, it's what he wants.

There will be OW, I am afraid.

FlatsInDagenham Thu 26-Dec-13 18:25:37

Totally unacceptable behaviour in a loving relationship. Surely the DC are picking up on this terrible atmosphere between you?

So sorry you're being treated so badly. He sounds awful.

sadsaddersaddest Thu 26-Dec-13 18:27:09

I don't think it is a case of LTB (yet).
He might be depressed, even though he would never admit it.

Earlier this year he accused me, out of the blue, of cheating on him (when I would have had the opportunity to cheat when I am at home with homeschooled DCs all the time I don't know). He hated me losing weight, so he was horrible for a couple of weeks in August until I snapped and fell back into binge eating.
I am physically exhausted (DC3 wakes up 4-5 times a night, I have had 2 naps since she was born) and I would like to feel loved and appreciated in my house, not treated like shit.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Thu 26-Dec-13 18:27:20

"Sadistic"

^ this

I do not think there is another woman, from what you have told me.

I think this is just a case of a deeply deeply unpleasant man. Period

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