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Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

(530 Posts)
Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 17:50:28

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 18:41:55

I'm sorry this has happened to you and that your DCs are so distressed. Do you have any RL support you can call upon? Friends, family, neighbours? Tranquilisers are good as far as they go but you need to be with people at a time like this.

How did your DCs get the news? If they heard 'I hate you' and then Dad made a dramatic exit they will connect the two, unfortunately. They will calm down soon I expect and that's the time to get them out of the house, go for a walk or something else quiet and give them the opportunity to talk or ask any questions which you answer as honestly as you feel able. Don't be afraid of appearing upset in front of them. Children need to know that Mums are people too

It is important - I think - to get a few key messages across. One being that they are loved by both of you still. Another is that, as far as possible, you'll try to make sure their lives stay much the same (schools, friends, routines) and that they will see Dad on a regular basis and can talk to him whenever they like. Another is that the split is a grown-up decision that is very sad but not one they have caused or can influence. I'm assuming your husband has been in touch with them.

There's a host of practical stuff like finances and so on to consider but, for now, do be with people that love you. Good luck

Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 19:30:34

Thanks for replying. No he hasn't been in touch with the kids, has gone completely silent.

I have been telling the DCs that I love them and so do their father but atm doesn't seem to be having much effect.

I just can't even think about finances selling the house, we will have to move from the school. I cannot believe him, I cannot do it.,

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 02-Nov-13 19:34:05

"It is important - I think - to get a few key messages across. One being that they are loved by both of you still. Another is that, as far as possible, you'll try to make sure their lives stay much the same (schools, friends, routines) and that they will see Dad on a regular basis and can talk to him whenever they like."

They're 9 and 7, so way too old for them not to completely see through lies like that.

Their Dad walked out and hasn't been in touch.

Why should they believe that they will see him on a regular basis or can talk to him whenever they like?

Don't make promises on his behalf.

Only make promises to them that YOU can keep.

MrsWolowitz Sat 02-Nov-13 19:35:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't have any advice other than to hold your hand and wait for a wiser MNer to come along.

MrsWolowitz Sat 02-Nov-13 19:36:46

Sorry I meant wiser than me not wiser than the posters before me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 19:38:05

That's incredibly crappy, not contacting his own children. What a coward. I'm a lone parent and I'm conscious that there's a lot of stigma to the role still. The phrase I turn to when I feel the responsibility is getting me down is 'I'm the parent that stayed'. You're that parent too. Rest assured that your DCs are listening to you. They are as angry, upset and confused as you are and you're doing all you can reasonably do. Their Dad has let them down incredibly badly but you're the parent that stayed.

Don't think about finances etc just yet. Don't make any snap assumptions about selling houses or moving schools. When you feel a little stronger you're going to need legal advice but, in the meantime, do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Do you have RL support? Have you told anyone yet or are you hoping it's a bad dream still?

Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 19:43:36

God, I've been crying about my parents, sis and brother. They are all gone and I don't think I've missed them more in the past few days. Luckily my BIL (sis's DH) and I are close and he came over for a few hours today. We didn't really say much but he was just there.

You're the parent who stayed - I like that.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:45:09

<<HUG>>

Maybe you and the children can stay in the house?

You are wise to accept that an OW will appear shortly, masking as someone he has just met of course hmm

You will get through this and it's quite possible that you will be happier than you have been in a long time. The children will come to accept the way things are and they might be happier too.

For now, one hour at a time, one foot in front of the other. Do what you can to make it easier on yourself wine

You will need to tell their teachers on Monday - a note might be best if you don't think you can do it in person.

I presume you have secured any money you can get your hands on?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 19:46:14

@join.... I can only work with the information presented. Didn't find out he hadn't been in touch until the OP's post #2. Please play the ball, not the man!

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:47:40

I am so sorry that you don't have your parents or your sister or brother sad Your BIL sounds like a good egg though and I am sure you must have some good friends - and of course, you have us motley lot smile

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:50:14

It is hard when the kids are raging against you and are blaming you, they will see it for what it is in time, for now all you can do is be there for them, tell them how much you love them and there is nothing wrong with being honest about it being Dad's choice to leave, not yours - it will not hurt them to know you are angry and upset too.

Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 19:54:18

Again, thank you for answering. I am so grateful to just write stuff down and have a response.

just feeling sorry for myself but more the dcs. I just feel wrecked and hopeless

Thewalkingdeadkr Sat 02-Nov-13 19:57:40

It does get better I promise. Quicker than you think too.
Why not have. Good scroll through relationships and see how well posters do from initial posts to a few weeks later.
It feels impossible and that you will never be happy again but lots of us have felt that way in the past and are now completely over it all.
Sending you lots if good wishes.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:58:38

Of course you do my love - you have been with him for most of your adult life. Not only has he walked out on you, but he's walked out on your children and hasn't even phoned them! It's scary, it's liberating, it's upsetting, it's a relief, it's a million things and all of them amount to being a complete (excuse the term) headfuck sad

brew or wine... or both!

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 02-Nov-13 20:15:39

Sorry, Cogito, I wasn't trying to play the man at all.

LEMisafucker Sat 02-Nov-13 20:19:24

Don't do anything til monday, the banks are closed anyway, but maybe get as much money out from the accounts that you can. Then get this sorted out on monday - then just take some time to come to terms with things. flowers

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 21:30:52

Why Monday LEM? I would have done it last Thursday night. My bank isn't closed - it's 24/7.

Whoaminow1 Sat 02-Nov-13 22:15:53

Weeks have gone by since my husband has left( after 23 years.i still don't really no why. I do know he has got close to a girlfreind of mine, but he says their just Freinds and he doesn't love her. He suddenly left me and 3 kids saying we have grown apart and financial demands have caused a wedge between us. Also says I haven't been emotionally supportive with his Buisness. I have done all the child are, housework,cooking,cleaning,organized our social life,tried to be sexy, retrained gardened,loved him+++.now the kids are 18, q16, 12 he leaves

I truly loved him, cared for him. He was the centre of my world and my whole family loved him. I wanted to grow old with him.

He has walked away, sees the kids once a week- just takes them out for a meal- never talks about how they are feeling, just superficial day to day stuff. He seems detached.walks in the house, asks for a piece of cake etc as if I should be offering

His only words to me are that he is not coming back and he wants a divorce.however he has done nothing about this. He hasn't got a solicitor. He works long hours and is totally dedicated to his own Buisness. It's almost as if he is too busy with his work to end his own marriage.

I am trying to hold it together. I have a professional job,which involves caring for others, I have 2 lovely parents with dementia, I'm trying to keep up the norm. Cooking nice meals giving cuddles having fun, telling the kids dad loves you very much.

And here I am lying in bed, my heart racing, not understanding , feeling bereft and depressed.tonight yet again a sad child has crept into my bed. How do you cheer up a sad crying 16 yr old who's boyfriend has let her down and it feels like her dad has entered some world we don't understand. how can you be on holiday as a family one minute, then the next the family is over

I want to call him I want to beg, but I know he doesn't want me to.12 weeks, will I ever get over this, I really don't want to turn into some bitter divorcee, but all I see is weeks months of getting over the fact that I've lost my best friend and someone I would have done anything for

how the hell am I going to keep going and be happy again

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 03:32:50

Oh Who, I am so sorry. What a terrible place to find yourself. I can't stop shaking and cannot sleep. I can see a future but how do I get there?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 06:34:38

It's a little cliched but you get there 'one day at a time'. I liken this kind of grief to walking through a swamp. Right now you're up to your waist in sticky mud, swatting bugs, & it's heavy going and you feel like it'll never end. Other days the sun comes out, you find a little dry ground and can make progress.

What you have to do is find ways to get through the bad days so that you can make the most of the good days. What you need most is distraction so that your mind is kept busy with other thoughts besides him. That's why I say be with RL people because being with friends or family you'll have less time to wallow. If you have a job, embrace the chance to place your attention elsewhere. As you have kids, keep to their normal routine because it will benefit you as much as them. Force yourself to cook, eat and drink. Also... plan nice things for yourself and your kids. A change of scenery, a country walk, a drive to the coast... it really helps.

Do see your GP if you are too anxious or depressed to sleep. You're at the start of a long process unfortunately, but it gets better with time.

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 12:19:03

Started to clear out his wardrobe and found his condom stash and letters.

Destroyed.

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 12:20:33

((Alchemist))

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 12:26:22

"i am really hurt too" "i don't know what is going on yet" "i am doing my best" " i love you and will always be here for you"

it's ok to say all of the above imo. it's ok to cuddle and cry together. and when you've had a cuddle and cry together you can move to ok, we need to take care of ourselves and get through this - what would make you feel better if only for a little while? shall we get some popcorn and watch a movie? shall we go for a walk?

i think it's ok to be in it together and it will feel a lot safer actually for the kids if they can see yes you're hurting and confused too, you can cry and be sad BUT you can also still steer the ship, still be the guide of when it's time to distract and do something nice but can cope when the tears and the rages come too.

all in my humble opinion but with some experience of what this feels like for a child. it's terrible but this is a teaching moment - that we are human, that we can be devastated and hurt but survive and keep afloat, that hard emotions are 'allowed' but can be felt, expressed and put aside for a while etc.

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 12:28:42

no one has to drown alone in this - not even you! you are a team and one of your team has walked out and let you all down terribly. it's ok for the team to stick together.

i don't mean tell them their dad is an arsehole or anything but YOU are the ones left, you are the ones who did not do this and you are allowed to cling together and comfort each other. obviously don't lean too hard on your kids, but don't shut them out either. be in it together.

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