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Is this normal? I can't tell anymore

(152 Posts)
Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 21:58:33

Ok have posted on here previously about new BF of 2 months and problems with penetrative sex. I need some advice and opinions on whether I am over worrying/ overthinking which is possible due to previous EA relationship slightly skewing my thinking, or does it just heighten your senses?

Anyway the issues are:-

1) still not had penetrative sex but do everything else. He won't really say why just that it will happen. He now tells me he has ordered a toy, not totally unexpected as we have chatted about it. Is that weird or not?

2) he talks as though he wants a future with me and he has found someone he loves but I find this hard to accept, not so much because of the short time span as I know it can happen, but because he was very hurt by breakup of last relationship which was only in the spring

3) a few times he has said things to me in the name of 'teasing' but to me they didn't sound like that. For example if I've said something unintentionally that he hasn't liked that's when he seems to do this

4) for the first few weeks we seemed to see eachother more frequently than now. I know we can't keep up seeing eachother every night but I suppose I'm just a bit insecure

I suppose I just can't work him out properly yet. Is that normal at this stage? I'm very out of practice. I would say the vast majority of the time we enjoy eachothers company. I'm scared of another abusive relationship

PosyNarker Tue 29-Oct-13 22:12:25

Umm, no, doesn't sound normal. 2 months no sex - totally normal depending on people's thresholds for intimacy, but is he sharing that with you (e.g. I really fancy you, but I save sex for some level of commitment).

On 4, I wouldn't overthink it. Two months is such a short time. If it's tailing off, it's tailing off and it's a shame but it's not the time to be chasing a relationship.

Ultimately he needs to tell you what he wants and his boundaries. If he's backing off and not telling you anything then sadly he is telling you that in his own way...

Cabrinha Tue 29-Oct-13 22:15:00

He sounds like a cock.
I suppose 4 could be normal. The others - no.
IMO, if you feel you can't work a guy out - run. Who wants the crap of "working them out"? Throw him back in the sea and save your time for someone who's just fun to be with.

Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 22:23:41

It's not so much I'm racking my brains trying to work him out, he talks to me about what he wants a lot. I think it might be me as I seem to worry about things more when we are not together. He is fun to be with and treats me well. I know nobody is perfect but I'm not sure what my level of allowance should be. I felt a bit offended by the sex toy in a way, is that odd?

PosyNarker Tue 29-Oct-13 22:24:54

Talking about buying a sex toy when you aren't intimate is frankly a bit odd. That would bother me also.

Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 22:27:13

I would say we have been intimate just not had penetrative sex. I have never come across this before. I don't if its due to medication he's on

Well, what sounds very likely to me is that he's got willy issues ie he can't get it up, or is scared of not being able to get it up. That would explain the no-penetration and the sex toy.

However, the unpleasant teasing is more worrying. What's it about? (NB if you would rather not share then you don't have to). If it's about sex then his issues could be deeper - and nastier - than simple performance anxiety.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 29-Oct-13 22:31:13

If you're not sure about this man on any level then don't pursue it. The sex is crap & he makes 'teasing' (bullying?) comments. After just a couple of months there really shouldn't be this many question-marks.

loopyloulu Tue 29-Oct-13 22:32:05

Agree with SGB- erectile dysfunction.

Or gay but not admitted it to himself.

People who use insults then say it was a joke or teasing or usually lacking in confidence- they haven't got the guts to say what they mean or if they do, they back track by saying it's a joke/teasing.

He sounds far to complicated. I'd bin. Who wants a guy who doesn't want sex but can't even say why not?

runningonwillpower Tue 29-Oct-13 22:35:35

1. Not normal. He's ordered a toy - fine if you're ok with it and I hope you know what the toy is. But he won't tell you why penetrative sex isn't on the cards for him yet? What's the mystery? I'd be really wanting to know. Mental health issues? Emotional issues? Sexual health issues? I'd want to know.

2. Too much too soon? Especially in the light of the unrevealed mystery at no. 1 above?

3. Nasty remarks disguised as 'teasing' are never good. First steps towards controlling behaviour?

4. Don't know. Could mean anything.

On the whole, this guy isn't sounding like a long-term bet.

Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 22:38:57

No the teasing has nothing to do with sex.

An example is I had major issues with my ex and his phone, being secretive ect. He knows this as we have talked a lot about our past. Anyway he's been very open, leaves phone everywhere and anywhere, no lock on, the very occasional message he gets he opens in front of me. Anyway one night I can't remember how it came about but we were in the kitchen and he picked up his phone and said" 2 missed calls" and grinned I just said " oh" and he was joking there weren't any calls. He just cuddled me. It might be me taking things to heart

He has said to me that I mention my ex too much and I could see he was right I did, it seemed to be then that he did this

knittedknickers Tue 29-Oct-13 22:40:36

I think your instincts may be telling you it's not quite right but you can't give yourself a concrete reason why it's definitely wrong. I have found that with some past relationships, I feel fine with the person but then get irritated by them when I'm on my own - that could be your time to get perspective and 'space'. He may be lovely but I must admit I would be uncomfortable with the sex toy talk before penetrative sex. I'm not judging - some couples don't want to have penetrative sex - but if one person does then I think that should be addressed before you move on to the more 'alternative pleasures'!

Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 22:47:58

I just want to know the reason behind the no penetration. He's great at everything else so I'm not exactly un satisfied. He said to start with it was because he likes to feel secure in a relationship but its 2 mths down the line now. I guess I'm worrying its because he still has feelings for ex and its tied in with that though he strenuously denies this

Monty27 Tue 29-Oct-13 22:52:06

Re the 'two unmissed calls I think he may be trying to get you to trust him, in other words 'you wouldn't get that crap' from me, as cumbersome as that may be.

On the sex issue, and in fact on both issues, talk to him.

If you get nowhere dump.

ALittleStranger Tue 29-Oct-13 22:52:54

Does he have erection problems?

If not I really can't understand why he's holding off, it seems quite controlling. What you have to do to make this special prince feel special enough? I suspect it's probably far more complex and fucked up than just having feelings for an ex.

Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 22:56:13

He does have erection problems. He focuses on me a lot. Sorry if its too much info but only seems to get hard if he watches me or the usual first thing in the morning thing

Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 22:59:47

Oh and then they are not that strong

Rockinhippy Tue 29-Oct-13 23:10:13

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but he has issues & I think you know that already - your past isn't making you paranoid & not trusting in him - its making you not trusting of your own instincts, which by the very nature & content of this post sound to me to be screaming at you.

Be up front & honest with him - ask the questions as regard sex etc etc - if he can't give give you the same respect back - RUN!!

Another possibility on the no penetrative sex reason, is religion - this happened to a good friend of mine, she thought he was wonderful & they were rushing full steam into marriage very quickly as a result - so he did at least explain why - didn't stop him shagging anything that moved behind her back though, including molesting under age girls

Rockinhippy Tue 29-Oct-13 23:14:34

I'd also be on the look out for any signs of S&M tendencies - maybe he can't get it up without the right type of stimulus, which won't bode well if its not something you would be comfortable with - the sex toy thing so early & pre & instead if full sex is odd & rings alarm bells -

as does his phone call jibe - quite snipey & bitchy - not getting his own way, so game plays - not good

Ruralninja Tue 29-Oct-13 23:20:53

a lot about what he wants....what about what you want & look for in a man? Its ok not to feel that he may not be good enough for you, you know

mathanxiety Tue 29-Oct-13 23:27:19

You are going too fast. Have you had any counselling after your previous bad relationship? If not, go and do that before you jump into another one.
You need to find out why the talk of something permanent sounds good to you.
You need to find out why after only two months you have adopted the role of mystery solver/problem solver here and yet are still involved.

Also, he is weird and very possibly controlling.
I would not hang around waiting for sex, especially in light of Number 3, which shows a cruel streak.

Merel Tue 29-Oct-13 23:40:46

I really have no idea, but a few possibilities popped into my head, already brought up by other posters:

He might be worried about getting it up
He might have certain tendancies and he is trying to work out if you like them too

How often do you see him?

It sounds like you both really need to talk openly about the sexual side of your relationship.

Merel Tue 29-Oct-13 23:41:06

PS - don't understand what you mean about teasing.

Tikkamasala Tue 29-Oct-13 23:56:29

I do think it sounds a bit odd but not sure. Not keen on the "teasing", don't like being mean or goading and dressing it up as a "joke" as that's when people tend to start to come out with the usual gems of oh you're so insensitive, can't take a joke et when actually they are being nasty. However maybe that is not what's happening here, just what came to my mind with teasing.

No penetrative sex after 2 months to me is unusual... But I guess it explains it if he is having erectile problems. I did have a relationship with someone who had erectile dysfunction and personally it was a deal breaker as he did not seem to be making any effort to get the problem resolved as he thought it was fine as long as we could do other things.. For me penetrative sex is not the only important thing but it is necessary in a relationship. I don't think there is anything wrong in admitting that if that's the case for you. I also would be a bit put off with the toy, like he thinks he then doesn't need to sort his problem and can just substitute a toy. It's not the same intimacy.

Good luck OP.

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 00:00:27

Merel, I think what longhairedcat means about teasing is that he will say something cutting and then, 'oh haha, just teasing' which he believes erases any culpability on his part for basically, plainly insulting/disrespecting her.

That in itself would be a deal breaker for me...it is the foundation technique for Death By Ten Thousand Cuts.

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