Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Bloody H looking at porn on pc

(159 Posts)
wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 20:30:54

Am so mad; he knows I don't approve. I know he uses it, he has done for years but he always makes sure the history is deleted.

Just found some that he's looked at today and it was she-male stuff FFS amongst 'normal' porn. Usually it's 'asian babes'.
Wtf is that all about?

He's very techy and there's nothing in the folders on the pc (that I can see). Nothing on the history or temp internet files either, yet this stuff is on the recently changed files of both his & MY profile (which is how I found it when looking for one of my docs).

I feel like printing the stuff and posting it to everyone who thinks he's a nice chap. Fatheaded Twat that he his.

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 22:31:15

Right, I have got copies so he can't deny & will confront when he's home tomorrow (he's on nights).

joblot Thu 03-Oct-13 22:34:53

And what do you want to happen after the confrontation?

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 22:40:45

Ideally, stop - I know that won't happen though. Just feel pissed that it's on the pc where I've discovered it. It's kind of out of sight out of mind if it's not there in front of me.

I'm also mad 'cause he doesn't respect my point of view.

joblot Thu 03-Oct-13 22:50:22

If it's a massive deal perhaps you need to plan your approach a bit more. Is it a deal breaker? I've not been in your position so can't give workable advice. Hopefully someone who has will see this and contribute something more practical

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 22:57:03

I'm angry 'cause he's lazy and has been wanking to porn when there are lots of jobs to be done - things that have been waiting years to be done.

He's gay? Or at the very least Bi?

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 23:23:37

I've always had a slight suspicion he might be Unlikely, no real reason - just a gut feeling.

Whatnext074 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:28:38

I know that some men look at what could be classed as 'extreme' porn because it is such a drastic break from reality so to them, it's not really a reflection on the relationship they are in. I also know some straight women who like to look at lesbian porn but that doesn't necessarily mean they have lesbian tendencies themselves.

I think if it is bothering you then you should have a calm conversation with him but be prepared for him being defensive as like a teenager, he has been 'found out' doing something you consider to be naughty.

I would like to think that him looking at this type of porn isn't a reflection on your own relationship.

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 23:57:28

Thank you, I'll try & remain calm (not my greatest attribute) & see what he says.

Vivacia Fri 04-Oct-13 04:13:05

I agree with joblot in so much as I'm unclear what you want the outcome to be. At the moment you sound like a parent angry with a son. You sound angry that he's not hidden the porn well enough rather than a fundemental disagreement over using it in the first place.
Apart from telling him off, what do you actually want to happen, given that you can't force him to stop?

cronullansw Fri 04-Oct-13 05:29:07

Why the taken for granted assumption that he's masturbated to this?

All of you ladies who admit to watching porn occasionally - a question, do you masturbate to it, or just watch it?

I was watching the Americas cup last week, I enjoyed it too. But I didn't break out all my nautical gear for some dress up and head off to the lake for a sail

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 07:02:04

Vivacia - I am angry he hasn't hidden it; I don't want to have to be confronted with that. If I can't stop him then he should have the courtesy to make sure I don't find it.

Cron - I never watch porn.

Vivacia Fri 04-Oct-13 07:07:53

That doesn't seem very healthy. You could argue that if watching porn is acceptable in your relationship (and it is, because you're accepting it) he shouldn't have to hide it.

oohdaddypig Fri 04-Oct-13 07:19:23

Sympathy, OP. you sound very angry. I would be too. I think you need to work out what you are most angry about.

- the fact it's she-man porn
- the fact he watches any porn
- you are ok with the mainstream porn but not how you found it

It sounds to me like you could live with 2, above but 1 and 3 are more problematic?

I think you need to base any conversation on the exact nature of your concerns and if one of those is that he might be bisexual, you might want to proceed when you feel calm.

I think the poster mentioning sailing is very unhelpful. You are not comparing like with like and finding "she-man" porn is particularly distressing.

I don't watch porn. I find it degrading. I know occasionally my DH looked at it before we were married and I was ok with that. He hasn't looked at it in ages but we would have an open discussion if he did. I dislike anything covert like this.

Good luck

Mojavewonderer Fri 04-Oct-13 07:43:44

I agree with daddypig. I just find the whole thing lazy, disrespectful and degrading but that's just my opinion. I think you need to have a frank talk with your husband about how you feel and be honest. You also need to decide on a blanket ban or he is allowed to watch but be open and honest about it because I think letting him watch it but he must hide it from you is damaging in a way.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 07:51:21

Do you have kids ? If you came across evidence of his porn use, could any dc in the house do the same ? How would you and he feel about that ?

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 08:03:47

The reason he hides it from history etc is because I once used the pc & when I started typing, some porn sites he'd used were in the browser. I was furious 'cause our kids were younger then & could have found it.

Just p'd off he needs to do it. He'll say its because we don't have much sex; the reason for that is because he's a lazy git & I don't want sex with someone who doesn't pull their weight. Vicious circle.

Off to talk to him then work, won't be back until this afternoon.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 08:05:58

So your kids could have easily found it

Deal breaker

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 08:14:15

This stuff wasn't in history or temp int files but showed up on recently changed doc & I found it when looking for something I knew I'd done the day before.

He'll say it wasn't where they'd find it easily. He's in the shower, just back off nights. Waiting to talk, feel a bit sick. sad

FoxyHarlow123 Fri 04-Oct-13 11:34:05

Just because you don't approve doesn't make it inherently bad. Some people really are living in dolly daydream land if they think that men (and women of course) don't look at porn. Of course they do. It doesn't make them deranged animals. Jesus wept. The number of posts that come up on here saying, I found my OH looking at porn. Well blow me down and pass the smelling salts. Someone had better phone the papers and tell them to hold the front page.

dhisawanker Fri 04-Oct-13 11:47:09

My stbx looks at she male porn. He in fact got the sack for downloading it at work. He was also on a lot of sex sites looking for sex in our area. He put his orientation as bisexual. Please be careful. I am now in the process of divorcing the twunt after spending 4 hours in a sexual health clinic crying my eyes out

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 11:51:19

Ah dolly daydream land, where the wimmins put up with letchy men and keep our eyes averted.

Put up and shut up.

They all do it anyway.

hmm

comingalongnicely Fri 04-Oct-13 11:56:15

The shemale stuff may just be popups that came up when he was looking at the other stuff, or mis-clicks. "Asian Babes" is quite likely to be in close proximity to that kind of stuff.

Not being daft, but if sex isn't on the cards very often why do you have a problem with him letting off steam? I can't see a 5 minute wank stopping him from doing much DIY TBH & surely it's better than him pestering you endlessly for sex you don't want?

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 16:01:37

Right I'm back.

Firstly Foxy - FUCK OFF. I have not said he's a bad person/deranged. I know men/women use porn - doesn't mean I have to agree with their choice, because they DO have a choice to view, unlike the (often) poor sods who are coerced into the sex trade.

comingalongnicely - I have no problem with him wanking, but instead of using porn he could use his imagination - oh wait, he doesn't have any.

I do not want to be confronted by porn links on my pc, ta very much.

He said what I expected, not enough sex, blah, blah, bloody BLAH. Denies he's gay/bi. What a TOSSER.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now