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Is it really that bad...because I feel like I want to boot him out(232 Posts)
I've been a lurker for months and posted once when I first found MN. Ive had to create a new account for this though as I couldn't remember what I'd registered under.
I'm in danger of either massively over reacting or massively under reacting and I would like some advice from some of you wise MNetters to probably do something in between.
I'll try and keep it as short as possible, sorry if it ends up dragging on...
DH and I have had issues for a couple of years now. Particularly during my pregnancy and in the first year or DS's life. He's 18 months now. DH was just a total selfish twunt, like many others probably. Very unsupportive, moody, downright mean on occasions. He also rediscovered porn and as a result we didn't have sex for 20 months. Last Christmas we nearly broke up but decided to try and work it out.
But then another issue came up, which was his work. He is self employed and works hard but dictates his own hours. For the first year of DS's life, he worked way too much and was out most nights. Infact, he was only at home for 47 evenings . I counted on the calendar once. He saw DS for a few hours every morning but because he was never home at night it meant 1) I could never go out with friends or to the gym, 2) I never got a break from the early mornings or sleep disturbance 3) it was hard to get my own work done and 4) I felt very lonely, we never saw each other and I felt our relationship wasn't recovering because of this, it is still very strained. To me anyway, he thinks its fine.
Two months ago, I snapped and said I couldn't go on and things had to change because I refused to live like this any longer. I said we didn't need money that much and laid down some rules. He had to have at least one day off a week, one weekend day a month and two evenings at home a week.
He stuck to it for six weeks. On Friday, he told me that this week he would be out every night working again, but quickly added that he had booked this week before my rules were implemented so he couldn't do anything about it. Then he proceeded to boast about the number of days off he had taken the last six weeks, how good he's been and suggested we have sex to celebrate as we haven't it for a while and tried to get me to thank him. I got annoyed at the time that he expected praise for a basic relationship requirement and forgot to ask the reasons why he had to work.
Anyway, I asked him today. He immediately went on the defensive and told me I never listen, it's impossible to tell me anything. He'd booked the work two months ago. I asked him what and which days and he said Thurs/Fri. It turns out the work he is doing tonight and tomorrow was definitely changeable and would only have been booked last week. I know this because I did the same work for the same people and still do sometimes.
I know for a fact he could have looked at his calendar last week, seen that he was working every night and decided to pass the work on to colleagues, which would have been easy because they all want more work. He didnt want to because he is in a mood with two of the guys he works with and didnt want to give them the extra.
So he has reneged on the agreement because of a stupid mood. I'll be on my own all week, struggling to get my own work done - ive a really busy week ahead - and look after DS
I know it might not seem the worst crime in the world but I feel like telling him to pack his bags. I resent the fact he tried to bluster over it by saying I don't listen to him to distract me from finding out the truth.
We didnt speak for an hour while I mulled over it. Then he started being really nice and sweet and went to work. I havent said my piece yet because I don't know what to say. Very often what would happen is it will just get left and add to the mountain of resentment, which is a permanent fixture in our front room and has a lovely decorative elephant on top of it.
How bad is it really? Thank you, if you've managed to get this far
Why ? Will he punish you for stating your boundaries ? If so, all the more reason to do it.
Why are you worried about having that conversation Ellie?
Massively under-reacting. He should have been booted out long ago.
I feel like I want him to go but it will be just be made out that its because he is working this week
Good. Because, actually, that is the reason.
He was disrespectful to you. Like he always is.
Im not sure why. I am actually usually quite a big personality but I am really rubbish at confrontation. I just hate the thought of saying something hurtful and I never saay it right.
Whenever we talk, I always feel like he is right and I am being unfair. Even if I was so sure before. he asks me for examples of his bad behaviour and in the heat of the moment I forget. He plays the victim very well.
Last time we had a big row, he pushed me against the wall and said he would go if I wanted him to, but he will never go. I will have to kick him out and I will have to break up the family.
That's the one thing I don't want responsibility for. I don't know why. I'd almost just prefer it if he did something so awful I could just get rid. rather then working all week.
Your choice then, I guess. Live with it and STFU. Or do something to change it. Because he isn't going to.
Although, tbh, any man that pushed me against a wall would be history. Your children are getting some very damaging lessons here, from this "good father" and you are reinforcing them, sorry.
He's done several awful things.
But your bar is so low it's on the floor.
Just take responsibility for ending the relationship. But you aren't responsible for 'breaking up the family'.
How would you handle it then? Pack his bag?
I might have worded some of my comments wrong, made it sound like I wasn't going to do anything. I didn't mean that, I was trying to express what my fears are and what has held me back until now.
I know what I want to do, but I have no idea how. How to assert myself. or before posting this, whether I was just overreacting
One thing that really leapt out for me is the fact that you were effectively expected to drop your knickers then and there to reward him for being a slightly less absentee parent than usual for a couple of weeks. Is that normally how he approaches sex- just click his fingers and expect you to be up for it, rather than try to, y'know, actually get you in the mood for it? Between that, the porn and the 20-month drought it's no wonder your sexual confidence has taken a battering.
Am I right in thinking you have your own work that you have to try to fit in as and when you can, half an hour here and there while your son naps and the rest after he's gone to bed and you're absolutely exhausted? Do you have any formal childcare in place for your son to allow you to focus on your work- or, indeed, just spend the odd morning or afternoon doing whatever the hell you fancy? If your DH works so many hours, there's the money coming in to pay for it and YOUR TIME deserves to be taken more seriously than it currently is.
I'd almost just prefer it if he did something so awful I could just get rid
He has done something awful. Lots of things actually. What do you want him to do, punch you, hurt your child? What would be awful enough?
None of those fairnuff and I don't think he would do anything like that to give me a reason to be honest. I just mean in terms of a huge row I suppose. It never gets to that. If we disagree, he goes silent and then pretends it hasnt happened. If I get frustrated and shout, he refuses to argue. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I almost think it would be easier for me to say "get out" in the heat of the moment rather then sit down to talk as I find it so difficult. I never get through.
The one where he pushed me was most the mot heated we have ever been. And the only argument like that We have ever had. It was weird, all my resolve just seemed to go when that happened.
I know I'm not making any sense at all now and probably just sound really stupid. Im just making myself even more confused
It's okay to say quietly and calmly that you've been doing a lot of thinking, have been unhappy for so long now and have decided you're not compatible as partners or parents and so you'd like to separate.
This is the normal way to separate, not as a result of a blazing row.
fetch thanks for your comment
DS goes to nursery three days a week. I am freelance so sometimes this is enough and sometimes it is a struggle. OH is insistent he is too young to do any more days though, which was a big reason for my demand he is around more
Re sex - no it's not very romantic at all anymore. We have gone from me trying it on and him rejecting me for so long to the other way round. He does t try very often but when he does he suggests it rather then trying to seduce me in a loving way
Fuck, the more I write, the more I think what the hell am I doing. I must be completely barking
Google "stonewalling" love
It is a well recognised form of emotional abuse, designed to make you STFU and maintain the status quo. Which you appear to be very unhappy about.
You don't sound stupid. You sound like someone who needs some help to procss how you are feeling, as it seems you have been stifling those feelings for some time. Sweeping them under the carpet is not working for you, nor should it.
He's never pushed you before? Then he is escalating isn't he. He tested you, to see if you would allow it. If you do, he will escalate some more.
I think you know what to do in your heart of hearts but you're asking us to try to get you out of doing the inevitable. Some men have a great way of making themselves sound reasonable even though what they're doing is wrong. My dh does that so I have to be very aware of the facts! For him To push you into a wall, watch porn, never there etc. I don't think you have to find excuses, just state you're unhappy in your relationship, you have been for a long time and ask for time apart. The fact you have to make an agreement for him to spend time with you is completely ridiculous and that's all you state. I think he is making you feel very low and has ground you down a bit to be honest. Good luck with any decision you make x
If you find it hard to verbalise it, why not write him a letter OP. You would just need to condense some of the stuff you have outlined here, plus any more ways he has basically behaved like a tit. Life really is too short to waste on people like this. You will be middle aged before you know it. Reading what you have written here, he really does sound quite an odious character.
When you say he pushed you against the wall, do you mean physically?
The push was a few months ago, since then any disagreement we have just gets swept away. If I complain about anything, I just get the eye roll, the "here we go again" as though I'm a nag.
Im actually a very positive person but he has started telling me how negative I am and I wonder if its true. Im reading through my comments to see if I have exaggerated anything or twisted anything but I haven't.
OK, I just need to think about the next step.
Thanks lisy although I really need
A letter might be a good idea, or maybe I could say things better in counselling if I ask for that
Yes, it was physically
The push was a few months ago, since then any disagreement we have just gets swept away
There you go then. He pushed you and you did nothing about it. He knows that he can literally push you around. He will keep doing this and it will get worse.
He sounds horrible love and like he views you as an encumbrance to the wonder that is him
It's a very slippery slope that never ends well, particularly if you start modifying your behaviour so that he never "pushes" you again.
I think maybe I have subconsciously done that. since that argument, although if something happens I will voice my displeasure, I tend to just leave it after that.
I don't feel afraid. Maybe ive not been ready to force the issue, I don't know. I'm probably right where he wants me aren't I
What a cheeky bastard!! Well I effing well won't be. Just need to figure out my next move. steel myself and stop being a wimp
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