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My husband is on grindr. I need some hugs and advice

(145 Posts)
bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:13:36

Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 23-Sep-13 21:15:34

Sorry to hear that you have had such a shock. How did you find him? What made you look?
Is he still in the house?

Pennies Mon 23-Sep-13 21:16:36

I'm not sure but is that a gay website? Why were you looking there? Did you suspect he might be gay / bi?

Is there any possibility it could be someone who used to live at your house?

Sorry you've found this. I don't have any advice really.

Tailz Mon 23-Sep-13 21:17:28

Sorry but may I ask what Gindr is? Is it a dating Site?

It must be a massive shock.

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:17:34

Yes. He is in kitchen. God cant type. Have had doubts. Discussed it with him and he makes me feel tgat I am paranoid.

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:18:37

It is a gay pick up site.

StickEmUp Mon 23-Sep-13 21:19:44

Does he seem totally calm or like he is hiding something?
If your totally sure its him ... Christ i really dont know. I couldnt read and run.
I can hug though flowers

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:19:56

It is him.

Twinklestein Mon 23-Sep-13 21:20:41

If he won't talk you can't make him.

I would tell him:

1) To move into the spare room.

2) That given his lies & refusal to talk, you only assume the worst and consider your options on that basis.

You need some time to process this.

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:21:40

I know my DH. You can see some of his face. God I even recognise his pants and moles on his chest. He went ashen when I showed him and them defensive and then silence.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 23-Sep-13 21:22:10

You need to get hold of his phone before he deletes anything - if he hasn't already done just that.
Did you look on his phone and find the app? Or did you find him by doing a search from yours?

Pennies Mon 23-Sep-13 21:22:37

Can you print off the web page and show him the picture and ask him what's going on? If it's there in front of him on paper then he can't really deny it can he. Can you see his face in it?

I'd try and save a screen shot too in case he delete his account before you can dig deeper.

Tailz Mon 23-Sep-13 21:22:44

I would also make an apt at your local GUM clinic. If you're sure it's him, you need to assume the worst ie that he has actually met other people.

Ikeameatballs Mon 23-Sep-13 21:22:44

Sorry that you are going through his.

If you are sure it's him and he is denying it then I can't see that there is any hope for your relationship. Sorry sad.

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:23:05

I cant face him. My legs are like jelly. Still in shock.

cjel Mon 23-Sep-13 21:23:47

holding hands, hope they stop shaking. what do you want to happen? when I found out about OW I needed to keep on till I had last gory details. Do you want to confront him to get it all out in pen or do you want to give yourself time to adjust before talking to him more?

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:26:53

I downloaded the app. Low and behold up he appears. His message was beyond crude - that he would be ebegetic for a nice ass and that he wants to learn new tricks. . Feel sick. And why cant he just admit it. Tried to take a photo but it didnt work. We had sex on Saturday. We laugh. He telks me he loves me. I will have to go to GUM clinic.

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:27:45

I want to know everything and at same time I dont.

TwerkingNineToFive Mon 23-Sep-13 21:29:01

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. (Hugs)

Ithink the advice about putting him in the spare room for a few nights till you can get over the shock then you'll be in a better position to talk about where you go from here. If it was me and I talked now I'd end up screaming shouting or worse.

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:29:03

He is still in the Fxxxing kitchen.

perfectstorm Mon 23-Sep-13 21:29:23

I think you need to say you want total honesty or you're filing for divorce as soon as the solicitor opens tomorrow. Go in guns blazing. He knows it's him, you know it's him, compounding his betrayal by insulting not only your intelligence but your sanity is a disgusting additional betrayal, and you need to make that clear.

I'm so sorry to say it but you need to screenshot the profile and email it to yourself as an attachment, because if you do divorce him that's pretty strong grounds for a swift "unreasonable behaviour" petition. Another point you can then make to him.

I'm so very sorry, this is unspeakably painful. I hope he starts talking to you with a little more respect in the immediate future. flowers

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 23-Sep-13 21:31:26

You don't really need to know any more than you know.

He's into gay hookups.

Presumably your marriage is over.

What a total prick to be having promiscuous gay sex behind your back and putting you at so much risk of STD.

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:32:16

I think I am too shocked to argue and he is such a shame faced liar. How he can deny this. His phone is always locked (no wonder) and he said he will never let me see it even though I am distressed. It is obvious he got all sorts on his phone.

ThePinkOcelot Mon 23-Sep-13 21:33:19

So sorry bonnie, what a shock for you. x

Pennies Mon 23-Sep-13 21:33:31

You don't need to see his phone - just take a screen shot of what you saw on yours and that's all you need.

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