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Oh my god I am going to fucking kill dh. His fucking porn habit.

(263 Posts)
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 20-May-13 22:14:59

Have just caught him watching porn for the umpteenth fucking time and this time I have snapped.

I didn't get upset and ask him why he does it and ask him if he loves me and does he want to split up. I TOLD him in no uncertain terms that if I catch him again HE will be out on HIS arse. I told him I cannot do this anymore, worrying about should we divorce and how I'd tell our little dc's. I do so much for him, I am a sahm and quite frankly I'd like to see how he gets on without me here but I wouldn't leave my dc's.

We have a great sex life. Why does he feel the need to look at these women? What's the big thrill? I just don't understand it and I never will. I don't get the urge to look at naked men all the time. He is one small fucking step away from a divorce. I don't want to turn my life on its arse and upset my children over such a stupid thing but by god I am running out of patience.

Don't expect any advice. Am not going to ltb just yet. Haven't quite got my head around that one right now but really needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feels cathartic to write it down and know that someone might sympathise. Told DBil and his partner last time it happened. Got no help there. Think they were too embarrassed to mention it again. Lots of tutting and tea and sympathy at the time, well from her anyway, he was definitely too embarrassed to talk about it.

EuroShaggleton Mon 20-May-13 22:17:50

Is it an addiction affecting his life and your relationship?

I'm afraid it's not something I could get worked up over otherwise. It's just images.

HeySoulSister Mon 20-May-13 22:19:28

Can you not speak to him rather than TELL him what to do?

And why involve family??

MillyStar Mon 20-May-13 22:19:44

Agree with euro it's only porn, unless its an addiction then it's your insecurity you need to work on

CatelynStark Mon 20-May-13 22:24:13

I couldn't live with it.

scaevola Mon 20-May-13 22:24:17

It's not "just images" though, is it? It is a choice to put sexual attention outside the marriage in a way that is known to hurt.

OP: channel some of your anger into researching now the options for a separation. Working out the practicalities of what you need for life without him and how you secure them will give you options, should you make choices which mean you need them.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 20-May-13 22:25:32

Yes, why should you have a problem with him looking at tedious ugly misogynist wank fodder, all the time, OP, you silly insecure woman you hmm
I suggest you tell him that if he insists on getting sexual kicks outside the relationship, you'll do the same in any way you see fit. then I suggest you do it. And if he has a problem with it why, you just tell him to "work on his insecurity".

Scarletohello Mon 20-May-13 22:29:13

I am curious as to why it is such a huge issue for you, is it affecting your sex life? Can you tell us more about why it's upsetting you so much?

MrsSpagBol Mon 20-May-13 22:29:16

OP I can see this is a deal breaker for you, can you explain why?

Also, can you say what does your DH say when you ask him about it?

I feel you need to understand the answers to both those questions (your perspective and his) very well before you can take this forward. Don't make any more threats; just try to address those 2 issues first.

Do you expect your H to obey you without question? While plenty of people dislike porn for a variety of reasons, you sound a bit of a bully if you are going to involve other family members in your attempts to humiliate and punish your husband for having a different opinion to yours.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 22:30:36

Agree that a calm chat about why he chooses to watch it, despite knowing how it makes you feel, is in order. How is the relationship otherwise? Can you suggest you watch it together to gauge his response on whether he genuinely gets turned on by the porn, or is addicted to the elicit thrill of doing something he 'shouldn't be doing?

susiedaisy Mon 20-May-13 22:31:53

"And why involve family?"

Um maybe she needed someone to talk to to get a different perspective on it, or needed a shoulder to cry on!!

Would you question her telling family if op's dh had a gambling or drinking problem!!

HeySoulSister Mon 20-May-13 22:32:23

You do sound a bit of a bully op, I agree with that

HeySoulSister Mon 20-May-13 22:33:46

She got no help telling bil and his partner.... Is telling fxmily the done thing? What did she expect them to do?

zeeboo Mon 20-May-13 22:34:43

I am very surprised that you would consider breaking up your family over the fact that his fantasies are on a screen rather than in his head. No wonder your poor bil was so shock its private and really not something worth getting a giant intervention for. He likes porn, you don't. So this makes him wrong? I agree with a pp who asked if you were used to getting your own way alot.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 20-May-13 22:36:17

Don't beg, plead or involve family members (especially not that). Deal with him as he deals with you. Then when he whines (and he will), explain to him that these are the rules he - not you - chose to live by, so he'll have to suck it up.

MillyStar Mon 20-May-13 22:36:48

I would have thought someone was unhinged if they told me that unless he's on the pron 6 hours a day! I'd say more control freak than bully I feel sorry for the guy

MillyStar Mon 20-May-13 22:38:12

Porn not pron!! I've got not chance once I've taken my contacts out

MillyStar Mon 20-May-13 22:38:36

Fantastic spelling from me tonight

YoniTime Mon 20-May-13 22:38:47

I don't really have anything relevant to say to OP but I'd like to point out that porn is something real, not a fantasy. A fantasy is in someone's head. Porn is real footage of a real people.

cherhorowitz Mon 20-May-13 22:38:54

Telling his family was a bit of a step too far in my opinion. I know you needed to vent but that's what we and various other websites and organisations are for. What was the purpose other than to get it out? For them to help you explain to him how he's making you feel? To be on your side so you have more ammo? I'm not attacking you OP, I do feel for you, I'm just curious.

You have a good sex life so why don't you ask him why he feels the need to look at images outside of your relationship? Why does it bother you so much - insecurity, the feeling of betrayal, lacking the knowledge as to why?

I'd be bothered but I admit that I am rather insecure. Porn in itself doesn't bother me too much and DP and I have used it as part of our sex life together rather than just getting our own kicks from it but we both admit that we have used it separately.

Would you like to be involved when he watches porn? For instance he'll watch it while you get him off and vice versa. Does porn do anything for you?

So many questions, I'm sorry!

Mumsyblouse Mon 20-May-13 22:39:20

I have heard many 'omg, I've found him watching porn' confessions over the years, but usually from friends, not family members! Please don't tell anyone but a close friend about this, no wonder BIL was mortified, he probably uses porn a lot himself (lots of people do and not everyone has a big issue with it, it's personal to you).

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 20-May-13 22:39:56

I realise this will strike some as a startlingly radical statement, but every woman has the right to decide the sort of man she wants to be in a relationship with, and if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with a man who uses porn, she doesn't have to be.
If he wants to use porn, of course he's free to, within legal limits. But there are consequences to that, as there are to all our choices. one of those might be he has to look for a new partner. Up to him to decide, no?

CuttedUpPear Mon 20-May-13 22:40:03

I sympathise with you OP.

If it's a dealbreaker to you, it's a dealbreaker. No other poster here has to live your life.

Watch out for idiots on this thread though, I started one on the same subject last year and it got linked to a lad's site where they ridiculed me and worse.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 20-May-13 22:40:08

An I overreacting? I just don't know anymore. I'm happy to be told if I am. I really don't want to leave an otherwise happy family life. We usually get on well together. He's brilliant in so many other ways. This always hurts.

It's just that I've caught him several times, I've told him I don't like it but he's completely disregarded my feelings and carried on.

I feel awful at the thought of him ogling other women. Some of them look quite young too, all slim and gorgeous. He's nearly 40, he's probably old enough to be their father. I am a bit overweight and sensitive about it and there he is looking at these lithe sexy women. When we dtd I usually dress up in something a little bit sexy, mainly because he likes it but also because it covers my wobbly stomach. And our sex life has got quite racy lately. I thought because we'd been together for so long and knew each other so intimately that our sexual confidence was improving all the time.

It's not the porn that upsets me so much as the fact that he likes to look at all these women that are obviously so much more attractive than I am. He says I look great and sexy when I'm dressed up but I can't compete with them. And why should I? Why should I have to put up with him ogling women like this?

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