Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Fri 08-Mar-13 22:19:03

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!


Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 15-Mar-13 21:28:39

He keeps saying how sorry he is that he didn't make me feel loved and valued.

Like I'm leaving him because he wasn't expressive enough, rather than because he was AN ABUSIVE TWUNT! hmm grin

Gah, don't quite believe myself tonight, though. And he's coming back home on Sunday and staying for long enough to talk my head into a spin again. A friend said she could see it working already...

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 15-Mar-13 21:29:59

<lines up drinks at the bar and wonders where everyone is tonight>

winewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewinewine

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 15-Mar-13 21:30:20

Some of those aren't for me. grin

<necks all the drinks charlottelined up after the week she's had>

determinedma Fri 15-Mar-13 21:48:10

I'm here. Picks up glass and retreats into corner

snowshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 21:49:18

I barred myself after getting everyone's names mixed up blush, apologies again, but I will take a drink because I have to deal with FW again and he's just texted me to say what time he is coming, 'hope that is alright'. No, it is not, he knows I would rather he met DC2 somewhere else, but nope,he wouldn't agree to that. So, no, it is not alright.

Not least because everything is a mess and I can't get DC2 settled so I can clear up and FW is the kind of person who would comment on dust under the table, whilst never lifting a duster,I used to run myself ragged keeping the place clean.

So I have ignored his text, which he will complain about too. Argh, why am I even worrying, it is Friday evening fgs.

Hope everyone is ok, will catch up on the thread when i have made this place presentable.

snowshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 21:51:15

Sorry, that should say i have to deal with fw tomorrow.

Dillie Fri 15-Mar-13 22:04:13

Seems to be a night of great fwittery!

Just had a Barney with fw, feeling very wobbly so grabs wine or 3!!

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 22:34:24

snowshapes leave the mess. Play FW Bingo!

so: dust under the table

what else is he likely to say?

fi did you get my PM?

<looks knowingly at Fi and Tis brew wink >
<sidles out the back>

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 15-Mar-13 22:49:25

<refuses to comment on the funny smell wafting through the back door>

He is making me feel like I'm making a fuss over not much. HOW is he DOING that?!?!

snowshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 22:53:54

Lemonade, or rather sticky-ness from lemonade, under the table if I don't get round to mopping
How expensive all the travelling is
Something about his family wondering if I am not speaking to them
He saves up all the things he needs to say and lists them off, 1, 2, 3
We are at an impasse

because I don't want to bring up important things like, how is access going to develop, cue rants about me breaking up our family, and he complains about small things. Though his family are not a small thing, but the fwittery comes from them and the narrative is that I am stressed and clearly don't know my own mind.

snowshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 22:55:19

Oh, they are masters at making you think you are making a fuss about nothing.

snowshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 22:57:04

I am talking about two different tables by the way, lest anyone think i live in a complete midden! Or maybe I do blush

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 15-Mar-13 23:18:08

<sneaking in from back door with silly grin on face>

Evening all.

<swigs one of Charlotte's wine and settles down>

OK FP is a go then. I have to kick myself into action a lot of the time. But when I printed early posts on here (for cafcass chat), I realised how much stronger I am now. It's so frustrating how slow and scaredy cat I am, but real progress has been made and I am where I never realistically thought I'd be, thanks to this thread.

minkembra Fri 15-Mar-13 23:28:02

I am just in from the other pub. blissfully FW free.

sounds like everyone else is having a night of it though. so let me get another round inwinewinewinewinewine[wine wine]winewine

I'd sneak out the back too but after the amount i have to drink I'd be needing the bucket. plus i am out of practise cos the ex banned that kinda thing... even though he smoked - made him tense, took fat burners- made him tense, gave up smoking- you guessed it...

And i used to be the master of the foot long tulip;-)

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 15-Mar-13 23:30:00

cheers mink wine. My fw liked to control any attempt at fun on my part, too.

minkembra Fri 15-Mar-13 23:30:09

breath we're just holding your coat. you're the one doing the hard bit. well done! wine cheers

minkembra Fri 15-Mar-13 23:32:36

charlotte stay strong. he is hovering madly...sadly not literally. cannot believe he said wife and mother bit. sigh. well i can. sadly.

minkembra Fri 15-Mar-13 23:33:09

hovering hoovering!

minkembra Fri 15-Mar-13 23:33:49

Flking fws that's all we need

minkembra Fri 15-Mar-13 23:34:35

Arrrhh phone. flying fws. has someone spiked my drink hmm

minkembra Fri 15-Mar-13 23:36:08

snow it makes it doubly annoying when you know what they are going to.moan about before they do it. it is like hearing it twice! wine

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 23:37:18

you ok dillie?

charlotte can't remember if you are married or not? Anyway, you won't be under same roof for ever though it may seem like it at times

snowshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 23:44:27

Charlotte, I had a thread on here,after a really bad post-split conversation with FW where he guilted me, gaslighted, you name it. There was one poster who said just imagine a salesperson trying to sell you something you don't want and keep saying no. Regardless of how he tries to sell it, you don't want it, the answer is no. She put it better than that,though.

Dillie,hope you are okay. Hope everyone is okay.

snowshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 23:48:25

I need to switch off the voice in my head, mink. Have cleaned what I would normally do on a nightly basis, otherwise I am behaving like he is still here. Stress.

wine all round

This thread is not accepting new messages.