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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it possible to get past this

341 replies

Orkward · 15/06/2012 12:06

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2012 12:10

Your husband raped you. He'll do it again.

Do you have a friend you can stay with while you get urself sorted? I'd leave today if i were you.

Your husband has betrayed you in the worse possible way. I'm afraid there would be no coming back from this if it were me.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 15/06/2012 12:14

He raped you and he'll do it again. And it will get more and more violent. Please trust me on this. Get out of the house NOW..Even if it's just for a night at a mates. You're in shock right now.

MissFaversham · 15/06/2012 12:14

For him to have just done that to you out of the blue he has either been taken over by a demon or there is more to this (ie, other behaviours you could maybe tell us about). Either way OP he's a now a very very nasty dangerous specimen.

Original poster

Orkward · 15/06/2012 12:18

This happened a few weeks ago, nothing happened since and I feel like I'm going a bit mad because things are just normal on the surface, his behaviour hasn't changed it's just regular family life. I keep thinking he must be right and I got it wrong or I've over reacted somehow.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 15/06/2012 12:18

whatever he says, it was rape. you didnt want it, he forced you. that is rape

I dont think there is any way past that other than to split up with him.

itsthequietones · 15/06/2012 12:22

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I understand why you feel confused, I've been there, it's awful. You know what happened and how it made you feel, you know he's done something unforgivable. It sounds like he's trying to justify his actions by putting the responsibility to stop it onto you - he should not have forced you to have sex, he alone is responsible for his actions.
Please call rape crisis to talk to someone about this, it's not your fault.
Please go and stay with someone you can trust.

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2012 12:24

You haven't over reacted. You sound like your in shock.

Do you have children? Do you think he would leave if you asked him to?

PeppermintPasty · 15/06/2012 12:24

I'm very sorry that this happened to you. The reason you feel that you are going mad(you are not) is that he is trying to change your perception of what happened, but he can't can he? It won't go away I fear

Have you got some support, friends or family around? Or perhaps you could talk to someone over the phone-a counsellor with Rape Crisis perhaps? Their helpline is 0808 802 9999 and it's open from 12-2.30pm and 7-9pm each day.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2012 12:25

Without going into details can you elaborate on 'forced'? Were you physically restrained, for example?

cupcake78 · 15/06/2012 12:25

The way this is described is classed as rape. He forced you to have sex with him. The fact your married is irrelevant, it still happened.

He hasn't even recognised it for what it is! I'm sorry your going through this. If anything it has shown you what he is capable of. It will most probably happen again and again. You shouldn't put up with this. You are not his property and you are to be respected.

I would seriously consider your future!

Original poster

Orkward · 15/06/2012 12:29

Yes I've got young children. I told one person who has been really supportive but she's not around where I live, we've emailed. I really don't want to talk to anyone in real life yet i can't face it. I think I knew what you were going to say but I wanted it to be something different. Not sure what. I don't know where he'd go or where I'd go adn I can't imagine a way out of this. And things just being so normal is increasing my feeling that it's all in my head or I got it wrong, like i have no justification for calling a helpline or demanding that he goes - and yet I can't get rid of this awful feeling.

OP posts:

cupcake78 · 15/06/2012 12:38

You have every justification to ask for professional confidential support and help. Experiences such as yours can have a profound deep affect on you.

Only you know how you feel but confusion and shock are a very normal response and one that you shouldn't under value. Seek some help for this, waiting lists can be long but you won't regret it

cupcake78 · 15/06/2012 12:41

His acting normal and therefore leading to your questioning and uncertainty is classic abusive behaviour and mind games! He knows what he did, he knows you know what he did. It's not going to go away I'm afraid.

coppertop · 15/06/2012 12:45

"He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to.."

It's not your responsibility to stop him. It's his responsibility to not start in the first place unless he has your full consent, and to stop at any time that you remove that consent.

Original poster

Orkward · 15/06/2012 12:48

But then, if I had got it wrong then he'd be acting normal too wouldn't he? If I could have stopped it. I can't explain what happened here I just tried but had to delete it it's making me feel sick. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 15/06/2012 12:59

Oh darling you poor thing. Please don't let him make you doubt your feelings. A loving man who did make a genuine mistake would be horrified to think you felt forced and would be doing everything to make it up to you. The fact that he has just dismissed your feelings shows that he knows full well what he did. As for saying "you could could have stopped it if you wanted to," how fucking disgusting. He should never have done that to you, it was totally wrong.

As an aside Cogito, I think it's inappropriate to ask a person who has experienced something like this a direct question about the details. It's fine to say "Do you want to talk about it?" but to ask "were you physically restrained" is highly insensitive and I'm really shocked that a lovely poster like you would ask something like that.

Orkward, don't feel you have to give details. We believe you that you were raped. You don't have to explain yourself. If you do want to talk about it, please do, you have no reason to feel ashamed, but it's totally up to you.

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2012 13:00

As you have young children he should be the one to leave. You could call the police and have a restraining order taken out on him.

Please don't underestimate the seriousness of what he has done. He has violated you and is now using mind games to try and make you believe you had some responsibility in what happened. This is about as bad as it gets.

Please call rape crisis and womens aid.. They will listen to you and help you regarding your rights re. the house, access etc.

coppertop · 15/06/2012 13:08

Turn it around for just a moment.

Imagine if your dh was really upset about something and you had no idea what the matter was. He tells you that he's upset because you did something that had caused him emotional and physical pain.

You think back and remember the events but weren't aware that you'd done something wrong or that your dh had been in pain.

What would your response be?

"Well you could have stopped me if you'd really wanted to!" and carried on watching MN'ing/watching TV.

Or would you have been falling over yourself to apologise and to do your utmost to comfort/help your dh?

No need to answer that on here of course, but something to consider for yourself.

Original poster

Orkward · 15/06/2012 14:21

He didn't dismiss it, he reasoned it away. it was my fault because i had been making him feel rejected for a long time, I didn't seem interested in him, he was angry about other stuff and so it seemed more aggressive than it was supposed to.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 15/06/2012 14:23

So he didn't dismiss it, he blamed you for it, which is even worse.

How are you feeling?

Original poster

Orkward · 15/06/2012 14:28

Well both really - he said it wasn't how I described it, I wasn't forced, and if he'd given me that impression it was because of these reasons.

I'm feeling really unsure and confused. I wish I could just change how I feel about it, even if i just accepted his version of events it would be easier than facing it.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 15/06/2012 14:31

" it was my fault because i had been making him feel rejected for a long time, I didn't seem interested in him, he was angry about other stuff and so it seemed more aggressive than it was supposed to."

That's not reasoning it away. Cailín is right - that's blaming you.

He raped you, but he's OK with that.

Plenty of rapists don't believe they did anything wrong, because they don't accept that you can't just force a woman to have sex if you feel like it.

AnastasiaSteele · 15/06/2012 14:33

Orkward. There is no reasoning. You aren't dutibound to have sex with him. You are not to blame for this.

AThingInYourLife · 15/06/2012 14:35

How can someone "give you the impression" you're being forced?

If you felt forced, then you were fault.

Arguing that he would have stopped if you'd managed to convince him he had to is basically an admission that he raped you but feels justified in having done so.

Can you really not face talking to the rape crisis centre?

It really sounds like you could do with some expert help here :(

Of course you want it not to have happened.

But it did.

AThingInYourLife · 15/06/2012 14:36

"If you felt forced, then you were forced." - correcting above

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