DH can't and won't cook and won't do housework. AIBU?

[cantcookandwont]

Sorry this may be long.....

DH and me been married 25 years and DCs just left home. For all of our marriage my career has taken 2nd place because no matter how far I got with it, I'd never have earned what DH did- so I always worked p/t and did 90% housework & 100% cooking. I did find this hard because up to when I married at 30, I'd been a professional independent woman.

Now though I have launched a new freelance career which is notoriously competitive. It's still part time and I work from home. I DO have work that pays (I am earning around £1200 a month for us) but in addition I am generating contacts and trying to get work, so I can do as much or as little of that as I want. On an average week I probably work 3 full days spread over 5 days, but sometimes it's more than that. DH works longer hours- 8-7pm, travels both UK and overseas.

I still expect to do most of the domestic stuff BUT now that we are on our own I anticipated him doing more. He does nothing. He does no housework and no cooking or planning of meals. I feel as if I am his servant. I am not fanatical about housework- I maybe do 1-2 hrs a day which is a quick hoover downstairs, doing the dishwasher, loading the washer and pegging out, mopping the kitchen floor 2-3 times weekly, and the bathrooms 1-2 times a week -plus cooking a meal from scratch. I have now stopped ironing his shirts.

My biggest bugbear is how I have to plan, shop and cook everything. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to cook one meal at a weekend ( it could even be a semi-ready meal) but he never does- it's always "Next week I'll do it". He doesn't offer to take me out for a meal- I have dresses that are unworn because we rarely go out and if we do I have to suggest it.

Apart from wheeling out the bin, and any necessary DIY, he does nothing. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we had a list of household chores - 75% mine and the rest his. He just laughed and said it was ridiculous.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't see cleaning up muck as "my role" any more- we both make it and should both clear it up. But given his hours of work I wonder if IABU? And I can't afford, or want, a cleaner.

Any ideas?

[cantcookandwont]

Oh and at weekend he spends a lot of time keeping fit- cycling, gym, running, and having a coffee whilst he's at it, in town.

I am happy he keeps fit BUT this is against the backgrop of everything domestic being handled by me . Housework and cooking is something that for him is not on his radar.

[Gay40]

I'd suggest you just stop doing anything you do not wish to do that does not benefit you and you alone.

Do laundry, shop and cook for yourself, obviously, but just stop doing the rest. It's not going to be easy. But you are only his servant because you allow yourself to be. This won't get your dinner cooked for you, but at least you won't be running around after another useless arse.

If he wants to eat, he will soon learn to shop and cook.

[3littlefrogs]

Why can't you afford a cleaner? If you are both earning, I would say it is well worth the investment, in the same way that child care is worth the investment in order to keep a job, hold onto a career.

When I first went back to work I barely kept any of my salary for the first 2 years - it all went on child care costs, but 13 years on, it was worth it.

I would really look into getting a cleaner - 4 hours a week is enough to keep on top of the important things.

Then consider whether that makes enough of a difference to look at things objectively, and consider what you both want from your day to day life and your relationship.

My DH works over 80 hours a week. He occasionally does late night shopping and does the bulk of caring for his elderly parents.

I work 4 days and do all the cooking plus all other domestic stuff. I also do any day time errands such as bank, post office etc. I have always done most of the child care, but he has always helped at weekends.

DH doesn't cook, neither does he deal with laundry, ironing etc, but I feel he really does do his fair share.

Having a cleaner for 4 hours once a week makes it work.

[3littlefrogs]

Ah - I posted before I saw the bit about his cycling, running and coffee outings.

He is being selfish, and he should be spending that time with you.

I would be very hurt if my DH behaved like yours.

Today is my day off, and DH has brought me breakfast in bed before taking dd to school - (he drops her off on his way to work).

He won't be home till 10pm.

[BiddyPop]

I didn't want to read and not post. Perhaps, as you are earning yourself, you could organise a meal out one weekend (make booking and assume that you'll pay) and all he has to do is turn up - see what happens?

Sorry I am not much help.

[cantcookandwont]

The main reason I do not want a cleaner is money. We have a sizable mortgage still, and we are helping our DCs financially now and then as they are new grads who earn not a lot. I don't want to pay £40 a week for a cleaner and I also don't like having a stranger in my home when I am here working.It's the sheer lack of engagement from him on anything domestic that annoys me. I feel I am providing a hotel service of clean laundry, healthy meals and a clean home.

[KnickerlessCackleby]

I think a proper conversation, sit down style is in order OP. You sound lonely to me and as if the housework is only part of the problem. If DH works all those hours and then does all those solitary pursuits at the weekend, laughs at you when you suggest domestic change and your DCs have flown the nest, you need a proper partner and good conversation/affection/interaction/company.

Do you sit have a laugh together? Do you chat over your supper? Do you do things together, out of the house at the weekend?

[KnickerlessCackleby]

Also, you could have and earlier dinner and go out before he even gets back to an evening class/friend's house/pub, so he gets to make himself cheese on toast and he gets to miss you. He is taking you for granted.

Please, if he treats you with ill deserved contempt, and it is contempt if someone says "you must be joking" or laughs at you, you must make yourself less available to him. You do not always have to be home when he gets back.

[cantcookandwont]

Knickerless- that is true yes. We had a big rift last year when I left him for 2 months as I'd had enough. He promised to change and I came back. he has been unwell for a while- nothing too serious but he has felt very tired- so I have given him some slack. However, despite having a sit-down conversation and saying how resentful I am, he has not changed.

We do have some fun now and then at weekends, but I just feel that I am stuck in this role as the chief cook, bottle washer and almost his "mum".

I didn't envisage this kind of marriage and was very independent for 10 years after I left home and before I got married.

I don't know if he is simply too old to change and I am flogging a dead horse.

Last night he came in from work having been away for 3 days and driven 4 hrs, and now he is on a conference call from 8am. He will come home tonight and expect a meal and the washing sorted for next working week.....

[MarieLloyd]

I see this time and time again - men treating their wives liked the 'help'. WTF?

I would just stop doing it if I were you. And stop asking him to do it and just tell him! Say 'I wont have time to do the meal planning and shopping this week because I'm busy with work, so you'll need to deal with it this week'.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

You seem to be doing a lot of cleaning. Do you really need to hoover every day? Can two grown ups make the bathroom so dirty that it needs cleaning twice a week?

If all this cleaning get on your nerves, cut down.
If all this cooking get on your nerves, scale it down. Stick a pizza in the oven. Make yourself a tuna salad, while saying to your husband "Get your own food, I dont fancy cooking, so just grabbed a salad". And by making a tuna salad, I literally mean open a bag of salad leaves and chuck tinned tuna on top.

I am not sure if you are projecting your own expectations to his, but I get the feeling that maybe to him all this cooking and cleaning is a bit ridiculous. Chill

[Anniegetyourgun]

You can bet it would be the OP's hard-earned that would go to pay the cleaner, too, since it is her OH's view that the cleaner would be doing her job for her rather than their job for them.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Oh, missed that, you left? I think you should do that again.

[21YrOldMan]

i can see both sides- 11 hour days are pretty punishing whichever way you look at it. You say you work 3 full working days (so, 8*3 = 24 hours) over 5 days = 4.8 hours/day. I think expecting him to pitch in on the weekdays is a bit unreasonable when he works over twice the hours you do (and don't say "some of it's commuting" because if you're not at home, you can't be helping with the chores). Even if you do 2 hours of housework a day, that still comes out at 7 hours of work/day which is far less than your DP works.

"we both make it, so we both clear it up". You really wouldn't want your DH to apply that attitude to household finances. You're a team- he brings in more money, you do more housework. Not saying this is a M/F thing, it could go either way.

To me, it sounds like the main problem is you feel unappreciated for doing the housework, rather than there's too much housework, and I suspect the going out thing might be related to this. It might not be a bad idea to ask for a regular meal out together? (eg: saturday night)- two birds, one stone with a bit of luck.

[3littlefrogs]

If the roles were reversed, and the OP was working 8-7 every day, travelling in the UK and overseas, and her DH was working 3 days, would everyone be saying she should be pulling her weight with the cooking and cleaning?

I take the point about the weekends, and yes, his attitude needs to change, but I think that is more about the state of the relationship than the domestic arrangements.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Did you miss the bit where the OP said she proposed a schedule where she did 75% of the work? Would you care to re-run the figures on that basis?

[tentative123]

I say stuff to my husband like "aren't you going to get your clothes in the wash tonight if u need them again for Sunday night, see what else is in the basket too will you?' and ask him to help me change the sheets on our bed, come and chop an onion for supper etc. he won't think it's time to change the bed, but he does appreciate that he dirtys it, and we always say its quicker with two. Might be harder to change long term habits but I'd start going down that road more, not with everything if you are at home in the day but get it started..

[shelscrape]

OK, so he was unwell last year. What if you were unwell and could not do all that you do now, would he really starve and become unkempt. i doubt it somehow. Men who claim not to be able to/want to cook or clean usually can when it comes to it.

You said you asked him to cook a meal at the weekend. don't ask, tell him that he is cooking/ arranging dinner for next Saturday. don't do anything to help prepare. he can either do you cheese on toast or book a restaurant. You need to make it quite clear it not a request. If it causes an arguement, so be it, because clearly in someway you need to get across to him how improtant this issue is to you.

and tell him, if he won't pull his weight, he can organise and pay for a cleaner. You shouldn't have to sort it or pay for it if he is the one not pulling his weight. I know what you mean about not liking people in the house, but once you have a cleaner you will never want to be without one

[21YrOldMan]

gay40: I hope her DH doesn't take that attitude to finances.

janitor: "one is not pulling their weight" Is that the one working 55 hours a week or the one working 24 hours a week plus 10 hours a week cleaning? Working 11 hours days is not lazy, get a grip.

MarieLloyd: I think you missed the bit where OP works 24 hours a week and her DH works 55 hours a week?

[MarjorieAntrobus]

Agree with the above.

You probably need to lower your standards. He won't engage in the levels of meal planning and cleaning that you have maintained over the years.

You could try being out some evenings, leaving him to make beans on toast or buy a takeaway. Also you could be too busy to have done any laundry for a couple of days so he has to.

Bottom line is that you have to stop doing everything. Only then will he see what he needs to do. It will not be as much as you have been doing, and that might not be good enough for you.

[OnlyANinja]

2 adults in a house on their own probably don't need 1-2 hours of housework doing a day (unless you include cooking and spend quite a long time cooking).

There's no such thing as can't cook, unless he is both unable to read and amazingly clumsy. Since he earns a decent amount I'll assume he has no SN.

You came back to him because he promised to change. He hasn't. He should understand that if he wants to keep you he has to make an effort to make the relationship a place that you want to be.

[3littlefrogs]

But how long does it take, really, to cook a meal for 2? The DC have left home, so I am struggling to see how there is an enormous amount of domestic drudgery.

This is about the relationship, not the housework IMO.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

If you have time to clean for 1-2 hours a day, I really think the problem is that you expect too much.

Downsize, move to a 2 bed flat if the house is too much for you.
If the children have left home, you just need a spare bedroom for whenever they come to visit.

Suggest downsizing to him, as an option. Maybe he will pull his weight and cook at 8-9 pm after work, to give you a break from your chores and part time job.

If you expect him to do housework and cook after working full time, then why cant you do the same? Most people do. Not many people have the luxury of part time work and no children at home to look after.

[OnlyANinja]

frogs is right

It's not about the housework

It's about the refusing to do anything and laughing when she suggests sharing duties.