Mumsnet Talk

Hello. I am distraught. I am newly divorced and my ex is soon to emmigrate to Australia. I have two DDs aged 7 and 5. Me and my ex do no communicate other than e-mail. My girls are reluctant to see their father although I have provided him with generous access. His emmigration has been on the cards for some time and particularly the DD1 has said she does not wish to visit him when he goes. I have told her that she does not have to if she doesn't want to. I have now received an e-mail from him, saying I am to expect a solicitors letter and that I am to let the children visit. He says that we should work together to make them visit him. This is the horror of a father who has left us with nominal maintenance and who refused to carry on paying for the private schooling he insisted they have prior to him leaving me. I am beside myself. I have no more money to pay for solicitors to fight this monster and only want the best for my children. If they were happy to go I would support it but should I just ignore their wishes and make them go? xxxx

dont let him bully you. Say you are happy for him to see the girls but HE will need to pay for flights and accomodation. Why should you pay when he is the one wanting them to visit? If he wants to see them that much, he should pay. Furthermore, he would have to pay for your flights and accomodation, as they are too young to fly themselves. I think some if not all airlines have a minimum age for children to fly over themselves. Speak to the CSA and they can advise on what support you can get and also help with the maintenance issue. Good luck x

Legal aid? YOu have to get some sort of legal advice on this. I can't believe anyone could force the girls to get on a plane if they did'n't want to. Surely it would be more reasonable for him to fly over here to see them?

Sorry not to have any concrete advice, but hope this bumps for others who do.

OR yes, pay for you to fly with them.

It's his choice to emigrate, and you and your dds don't have to jump to his unreasonable demands.

Don't let him panic you. I have no idea of the legal side of this but it sounds unlikeyl that you would be forced to pay for your DDs to go to Australia, particularly when they don't want to go.

You might get more responses from MNetter with experience in this kind of thing if you post it in Legal matters topic.

Thanks so much everyone. Ok. So he is proposing that he pays for their flights and that he/his mother flies with them to Aus. I don't think his mother could manage the flight but that's just my view.

The thing is that the children don't want to go and he says that they should and that as mature parents we should ensure they do basically what we say. I don't agree. Should I make my children go on an 18 hour flight around the other side of the world, against their wills, without Mummy for three+ weeks? I suppose I want to know is whether he can legally enforce it? x

Is there a reason that your girls do not want to see their father?

Thx MmeGoblindt will post in the Legal bit. xx

88This is the horror of a father who has left us with nominal maintenance and who refused to carry on paying for the private schooling he insisted they have prior to him leaving me.88

If he is that tight fisted - where does he think the tickets for flights for Au are going to come from??

It will cost £1000 for tow return flights + he will have to pay extra as they are under 14 and flying long haul.

Sit back and let him pay for all this - cos you aren't going to pay for the flights and he cant get a solicitor to make you.

Hi MmeGoblindt. I am more than happy that the girls see their father. I have allowed very generous access weekends/ hols etc. He has cancelled seeing them last minute and generally caused havoc in our lives. I wish they were desperate to go to Aus and then it would be easy. They are just young - 7 and 5. They do not want to go. My eldest often cries and rings me when away for two nights! She has told me she doesn't want to go. I just want to do what is right. Should I ignore her wishes and tears? x

i would let him take this matter to court. its actually not his right to demand this,but the rights of the childrenn to have a relationship with their father.

you can promote this via webcam,phone calls and email. thewn he can arrange to visit over here. its the childrens rights,via the childrens act,that the courts will be looking to promote.

worth remembering that the solicitors letter is not enforcable. he will have to get a court order first.

you could try mediation to avoid court. perhaps say when they reach secondary school,then they could decide if they want to go over.

i would also worry about residency,should he refuse to rteturn them

when does he go?
thinking it might be harder to get him to fight this once he's gone. harder for him to enforce in any way i mean...he'd have to come back for every court appearence.....

Surely it would be better for him to come here to see them. Shows commitment to them.

A 24 hour flight to Aus is too much for such young children when they don't even want to go.

Have they got passports?

Thx Tiff. He was supposed to go in Sept but now says Jan - Mar 2010. Wouldn't you think he would respect the wishes of his children, rather than forcing them to do something they don't. He is a bully. I wish it was me and the girls that could run away but I know that when they are older I want to be able to say that mummy did all she could to keep them safe and happy and I don't want them to remember that I forced them on a plane. x

Ok, so you can prove that he is unreliable? If you cannot prove this, then start keeping notes of dates that he cancelled his weekends, keep copies of texts or emails.

5 and 7yo is young to go away for 3 weeks without you, especially when you can prove that he is so unreliable.

Is he doing this to annoy you? It might be that he has no intention of actually having the girls over. Or he is pretending to do it so that he can tell himself and others what a poor soul he is, his bitch of an ex will not let him see his girls.

Hi MmeGoblindt. I am so pleased someone else thinks the flight is too long and they are too young! I feel like I am the horror mummy who is keeping them away from Daddy but that is so not the case. Just last weekend he cancelled having them saying that he had to work. I have already kept a diary as he has tried to say to the CSA that he had them far more overnight stays than he actually did. You are right. He wants to tell his parents that I am being awkward and a horror whilst he is just a great daddy... leaving us with no money, a massive mortgage, me with no job, nominal child maintenance etc etc... BASTARD... sorry x

i wouldn't worry too much. how can he emigrate with an outstanding mortgage anyway??

with school restrictions only feasible time is easter and sumer next year,or christmas,so not like they'll be suddenly wisked away

Call his bluff, let him send you a solicitors letter, which is just a letter written by a solicitor - there is no power attached to it. Let him go to court, no judge would force little girls of that age to go on a long-haul flight against their wishes.

He is just trying to bully you, and his threats are empty. Please try not to worry.

I'd recommend you call the Children's Legal Centre. They can offer free legal advice as well as providing ideas for how these kinds of issues can be resolved.

Hi Tiff. Thx again. He has in fact left me with the mortgage! You are right about it not happening swiftly... he is proposing xmas next year.

Thx Verity. You are so right. There is no weight behind a solicitor's letter and I should know, I have just spent a fortune trying to get a reasonable settlement but only managing to secure a rubbish one, having spent a fortune on legal bills. Thx again.

Hi Snorbs. Thanks for the link. I will research further. x

Oh looney, on your behalf. What a knob. ('tis AA btw, was on the thread where he wanted their passports)

Let him blether. Nod and smile and be non-committal in front of him, but don't make them go. In fact if it was me I wouldn't let them go at all, even if they wanted to - do you trust him to return them? Truly?

Tell him he is more than welcome to visit them here in the UK. That'll save ££££££ on flights compared to flying two kids and an adult out there - he can give you the difference! [if only face]

Ah hello Queenie.. Long time no thread. Aye. Deffo just ignore him. Wanker! Someone even suggested I agree to his terms... him coming back from Aus.. booking the kids flights.. then, when he gets here we wont be in! Anyroad, he's just picked the kids up so I am off to the pub! xxxx

There's no way I would allow my kids out of the country without me, what's to say he'd bring them back.
What a prick.