Mumsnet Talk

and i am.
She said i dont have time to play with her.
And i dont.

I dont know how to fix this.

Im a single parent and i work part time. We leave the house at 8.10 am and get home just after 3. A quick dog walk, and small amount of housework and its 4.30.
I then have to think about tea, watering the garden, bathing, bed time for 7pm.
I have one day off in the week and its usually for housework/errands/stuff i need to do and hopefully something fun for DD and us together, like a day out or something. Maybe 1 in 4 times actually. The weekends i have her we tend to hang around the house. But im usually doing gardening, or housestuff again.

I just dont seem to have time. i want to play with her, to just sit down and do lego for hours. But after a short time i think, god, ive got this this and this to do.

its all very well to say leave it, but i cant, if i dont do it noone else will and its a small house and goes to pot really quicky if i dont do the day to day stuff.

So, how do i make more time for her?

get her to help with house stuff??

some happy childhood memories of mine were of helping my parents with various jobs.....

It must be hard for both of you

Could you involve her in house chores and cooking? you would get done it together and can use the time for a girly chat?

What are you doing all the time? I work full time and am a single parent but we spend all weekend doing fun stuff. Yes I do some gardening/shopping/errands but they can be fun for kids too. And we go on an outing both days - either to the park or to a museum (basically largely free things).

Also I water the garden and do housework after my DS has gone to bed. Can't you do that?

Children remember the time you spend with them - not how clean and tidy the house was.

She must have priority over your time. It doesn't have to be all play though. Get her her own gardening tools/watering can and let her help with shopping etc. It takes longer buta at least you are together.

Don't beat yourself up.
I doubt many people play with their children for hours on end.

Re the gardening - at this time of year I do mine when the kids are in bed. If you're doing stuff in the day can you get her to help you? My DD loves joining in and I suspect wants me to spend time with her more than she wants me to spend time playing with her.

Could any of the housework be left until she has gone to bed so you could spend maybe an hour playing before or after tea?

That sounds really hard. Can she have a patch of garden to work with you? Can you make your garden more low maintenance? Does she need a bath every day, or could you have more playtime in the evening?
I wouldn't feel too bad though, what with the dog walking and eating together and weekends, you are spending lots of time with her, which is really good.

""My DD loves joining in and I suspect wants me to spend time with her more than she wants me to spend time playing with her.""

I think you are making an essential point there!

oh- she helps with gardening and watering round. She refuses to help dust and things.
She does help and we natter while we do things.

She said i dont PLAY with her. i do spend time with her. We walk the dog daily. so we are at the park, talking about stuff, collecting feathers, or flowers , or talking about the fairys that live here.

I read her stories every night, and sing songs.

So we do do things. I just dont sit and play lego, or dolls.

lady- we do things on the weekend. Outing things. i said this to dd. i said, we went here last week. she said, yes, we did. But you didnt play with me did you mummy.

Agree, don't beat yourself up

But at least you can do something about it now

I think my dds reckon I'm pretty rubbish at 'playing' (am crap at the imaginary stuff, let's pretend etc)

But we try and do a boardgame after dinner (only takes 15m or so)

I share a bath with dd2 some evenings (she's nearly 4). We're not playing, but it's 1:1 time. Again, 15m or so seems to suffice

Could you get her involved in making dinner? DD2 will 'wash-up' while I cook

And always have a story before bed

Well, it sounds like you do lots with her!

Can you spend 10mins 'getting started' in play? Then leave her to it while you get on with other stuff?

We spend lots of time together, just doing stuff.

But thats not playing with her. She wants me to play - and thats what ive not got time for.

I cant do housework in the evening, by the time ive finished putting her to bed, had a quick tidy round, washed up, done packed lunch for me for the next day, fed dog etc.. its about half 8 and im knackered from being up since half six and just want to sit down.

Are you sure she's not just having a whinge, then, which has hit a nerve because you are suffering from "mother's guilt"?

My DD will tell me I am never nice to her, she hates nursery, I am always at work, I am always busy, I give too much attention to her sister etc etc. She's just trying to push my buttons I reckon.

she gets lots of one on one time.
its just the playing thing.

Timeisshort, from your second post it is clear to me that you do make time for your daughter whenever you can. Yes you migght not be able to often play like she would like you too but you are not depriving her of your time. Maybe you could try a quiet game with her befor bed instead of a story every now and then?

It was you saying that you tend to hang around the house at weekends! I don't play much with my DS - we build train tracks together but otherwise we play card games or make jigsaw puzzles. I don't play dolls (or equivalent) with him - he plays on his own. Could you have a playmate over one afternoon for tea? Sounds like she wants another child to play with really

I reckon she's having a whinge and justneeds a bit of direction in getting started at play

i.e - get the Lego out. Spend 5mins building a tower with her then let her carry on. She can do it at the table while you cook or something

I think you're doing a great job - you probably spend more 1:1 time with her than I do mine

Sorry that first line wasn't meant to sound quite so defensive - was just saying that it was what you said, rather than me making assumptions. I think she's probably figured out how to push your guilt button

well. we probably do half outing half in the house. day of each.

Like today, after work we need to go to tescos and get birthday presents for her two parties shes been invted too. and stuff for the picnic tea ive sorted out for with with a friend tomorrow. Then when iget back ive got paperwork that i need to find and do today.

then it will be tea etc... the normal routein and no playing.

Tomorrow, again, ive got to cut the grass etc, and i have stuff i need to do. but we will make some cakes and then have a picnic tea in the park. But we will lie in bed in the morning, and watch tv, and read books and cuddle, and talk and have a giggle.

but its not playing is it

i just cant do everything. And i cant leave the housework. im just talking about a basic standard of cleanliness/tidyness.

Sounds like you are doing pretty well OP.

I'm just reading this book, which promises to give ideas on how to play http://www.amazon.co.uk/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books& qid=1280141154&sr=8-1
might be worth a look for some ideas.

I've not finished it yet (really just started!) but it's already pretty good in terms of explaining what kid's really mean when they say things like "you don't play with me".

Oh god I hate 'playing'. Especially if it involves being dictated to about how to move bloody Sylvanians around. I will play cards, frisbee, water fights, word games... just not pretend games. And my daughter similarly wails 'Buuuut you never PLAY with me!'

Actually, she's found a whole new level of guilt trip now. She starts by saying, 'I know you're very busy Mummy and you don't like playing BUT...'

Irritatingly, DH can waltz in and spend about 30 seconds in loud rumpus, then slink off to the computer or TV for the next hour without a murmur from the offspring.

That sounds fine and I really don't think you should beat yourself up

I think you are doing fine, and this is a whinge, but because you are working single parent it is easy to take too seriously. agree with ladybiscuit.

That is very true Lancelottie. If I ever attempt to join in I am driving the train the wrong way round the track, using the wrong truck on the back of it or committing some other heinous crime. What they should say is 'Mummy, I want to boss you around for a bit. Please come and sit on the floor where I am in charge of the world'

maybe its that sort of thing she means then.
we played waterfights in the garden the other day. and if im doing stuff like hanging washing out or something ( and shes not being peg girl!) she gets in her car and makes trips to the shops for things i need. lol

Sometimes the bedtime she doesnt get a bedtime story if she choses to watch some tv or a bit of a film, and we will cuddle up and watch it togther.

its not that im not spending time with her, i am. and we are doing nice things.

its just im not playing.
maybe im being a bit too sensitive about it, bit of mothers guilt.

Fgs you are making lots of excuses about why you don't have time playing with her. Just play, forget the housework or do it in the evenings when she has gone to bed. Start off doing 30mins in the morning and 30mins in the afternoon, set a time like its a job. People work full time or have loads more kids or enormous houses and still have time to play with their kids you have time but you are not prioritising playing with your daughter.

Sounds like you're doing an absolutely fantastic job and spending lots of good, quality time with her. Talking to her, reading to her, involving her is stuff you're doing. Lots of great stuff.

Really don't beat yourself up about it.

DD1 (4.5) will not infrequently say to me or DW that we don't play with her enough. What she typically means is we're not doing what she wants to do at that particuarly moment in time or she wants to do something but needs someone's help.

E.g. can spend half an hour colouring in with her, then stop to do something else, cue "you're not helping me, you never help me". Or chase her round the graden until weak with exhaustion (me obviously, not her!) cue "why aren't you playing with me, you never play with me".

You're doing a great job - maybe you're just being a bit over-sensitive to it.

fiddle - half an hour in the morning. You are joking arent you? We leave the house at 8:10 am. I dont have half an hour spare in the morning.

And i dont really get home till gone 4 ( after dog walk.. which we are spending time together)

its not like im doing spending time with her, i am. The other weekend i read her the twits in one day. At her insistance, while laying under the apple tree in the garden eating ice lollies. we had lunch and dinner outside and i made her a den with sheets over the swing and even had a tea party with her in it.

But she still says i dont play with her.

I think we've got to pick the things we enjoy doing with them too. I don't really enjoy playing football. I do it the odd time and I know my ds would like more of it, but I instead bake and tell made up stories and I feel uncomfortable/forced playing football.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you could get shopping delivered? I actually enjoy shopping for food, so I couldn't envisage giving that up. A happy mum is important too.

I would ignore fiddle, unless she tells you that she is also a single parent working out of the home. Then she might possibly be in a position to comment.

I sort of agree with Fiddledee. Leave one of the other things and play with her for 20 minutes. If you have her every other weekend then presumably you have the alternate one to do what you want with. I'm not criticising, am not a single parent so have no idea how hard it is but I can't see that it's too hard to not wash up straight after dinner and play with her for a few minutes.

But you do sound like you're doing a grand job, don't beat yourself up

Hang on, the OP quite clearly is playing with her DD. She might not be sitting down and building lego or something but she is baking, having water fights, building dens etc etc.
Kids say things they don't really mean. They like to complain and if it pushes Mummy's buttons so much the better. Seroiusly, OP, it sounds like you do tonnes of fun things with her.

i dont know how people have time to play working full time with more children. Unless they have a cleaner, or a bit of family help or something.
Kudos to them.

Its all very well saying dont do housework. But washing has to be done. clothes need to be put away. bathroom has to be clean. Washing up needs to be done. Hoovering needs to happen ( when you have dogs) Doing it at the end of the day when ive been up since half six and at work is just soul distroying.

Plus im so knackered myself im usually in bed by half nine.

I have to prepare and cook the food.
Its only me doing it all. I think thats what takes time time.

My sister came for tea the other day, she played with dd while i cooked. then cleared up while i played with dd. She bathed up and got her ready for bed while i raced around and did things that needed doing. We both read her a story and sang songs and i was totally done of all things and sat done by half 7. it was amazing. amazing what an extra pair of hands can do.

I do make up stories and tell dd. i do all that stuff. Thats why its very upsetting when she says that i dont play with her. because actually im doing my best. there is only one of me and im trying to do it all on my own.

i do do online food shopping, its brilliant. saves time. But i sill have to be there to take the delivery/put it away. Sounds simple, but its difficult when you are the only person trying to do it all.

When my 7 were young, everyone chipped in with the housework - usually Saturday mornings. I seemed to spend my whole time cooking, cleaning, washing.
Now I'm 62 and I have grandson [11] since he was 2.
He's Home Educated so busy in the day.
I'm not as houseproud as I was.
To the OP - life is too short.
As long as there's a pathway to the kitchen and the stairs, I wouldn't worry.
Enjoy your littlies when they are young - you'll never get it back.

I think I have lower standards that you OP because I just keep the house reasonably tidy on a day to day basis and vacuum once a week. I do have a dishwasher though. It sounds like this is more about feeling sad that you're a lone parent. Am I going off half-cocked here?

Perhaps its just 'someone' she needs to play with. Does she have friends round to play? it is so much easier and more fun for both of you if she is playing with someone her own age.

My mum does a lot of work with single mums. She says one of the hardest things to learn to do as a single mum (and I am not one myself) is to detach from your child's expectations, because you constantly feel guilty that you're not managing as much as a two-parent family would, whereas often the reverse is the case.

You will probably find that your daughter grows up humbled and awed by the effort you put in. She won't understand it now, but frankly a neglected child doesn't complain she's not getting played with. A neglected child shows bigger symptoms of neglect.

You have a loving child who like all children would like 100% of your attention all the time.
I am in a two-parent family but I have three small children and boy do they all make me feel bad at times for not playing with them enough!

Water the garden when she's in bed. Same for some other household chores. If she's in bed by 7 you've got loads of time after that! Maybe you could sometimes get food ready for the next day's meal then too?

lady - im not sad im a lone parent. id rather be that that still be married.
But i do feel bad that i dont have as much time as i would have if i was with someone ifswim.
ie - another pair of hands, even if they didnt help much other than wash up every so often, or flick the hoover over, or maybe even cut the grass once in a while, would give me the time to play with DD more.

She plays with friends at nursery. She would love to have friends over, i need to organise it. Ive done it a few times but probably not enough. ( im always in such a race and something, not always housework is going on)

You know, im doing the best i can. I do as much with her as i can. I know she has a fab time at her dads and i know he plays with her. Their weekends are about fun stuff. ( because he has 12/14 other days to do all the day to day stuff) My 12/14 days are filled with work, and errands, and house things and day to day things. Its a bum. It annoys me, beacuse then if i dont do something, like the other week, i thought sod the garden, yes there are tons of weeds, and the grass is long.. but so what. So we did stuff in the garden. DD had a water table out, we read, we had a waterfight, dens, etc.... but then, it was a whole nother week ebfore i had time to cut the grass again and it was really long, kept clogging up the mower and took twice as long.
its a pain. thats why if i dont do stuff it takes twice as long to actually sort out.
Add on the fact that ive actually been at work for most of the day as well..... im tired.

planet earth. I could do that. But ive not got loads of time. I tend to go to bed about half 9. I get up early. Im tired. Plus ive been at work for most of the day.
I used to do that, the housework when shes gone to bed thing. But really. after being at work for most of the day myself thats just not good. Im a person too.. .not just a robot. I have to have a little time to just sit down for a bit and relax.

Im tired. its tiring doing it all on your own the whole time. i thought we were kind of doing ok though, until dd came out with this and now i just feel shit about it as clearly she is not ok.

I think she sounds fine, honestly. Children are brilliant at finding out what winds you up and then exploiting it to their advantage. But you do sound a bit down to be honest.

I work full time, commute 2 hours a day and I am not as tired as you (and am probably quite a lot older than you are) so it does sound to me like you're unusually exhausted. Having said that, I chose to be a single parent so I knew this was what I was getting into from the outset. I think it's a lot harder when you weren't planning it.

how are you not knackered then? How old are your children?

Do you have a cleaner, or help around the house or anything?

I feel worse now, like im making a right hash of it beacuse im crap.

I think your last post is quite telling...

You're tired
You're exhausted in fact
You thought you were doing fine (and you ARE)
But DD's comment has hurt you.

I have two boys, and a DH, and work part-time. I do lots of things with the kids, but I don't 'play' with them (at least not in the way they would probably like) or at least not very often.
I find it incredibly mind-numbingly boring... and after 1 minute of Lego Star Wars (Oh look, here comes the Jedi Fighter.... yawn...)
I try to sneak away.

Kids will always find a way to press your buttons and turn on the guilt complex IMHO.

Have you asked her what she means by 'play' with her? Could you squeeze in just 10 minutes a day?

I always hated the fact that 'playing' involved getting a lots of things out/ leaving a mess which I always ended up tidying up (i.e. = more work for me!)

You clearly are NOT a crap parent, and it's clear to me from your posts that you do spend a lot of time with your daughter, doing things.

Oh god no!! That's not what I wanted to happen at all - I'm so sorry You just sound so hard on yourself and I really think we single parents have to give ourselves a bloody big pat on the back for working and raising children.

I have a cleaner for 2 hours once a week so that helps a lot. My DS is also 3 but he is very independent - he plays on his own for hours and enjoys it.

But I make him really easy food, tend to eat a big meal at lunchtime and just have a sandwich in the evening and never iron. The house is a mess a lot of the time too but I'm really not very houseproud. I just tidy up in advance of the cleaner coming. I can't bear to feel like my life is a total drudge so I just ignore it half the week.

Right! You are spending time with her. OK, not playing, but still time spent doing things with her. Think back! How much time did your parents spend actually playing with you? 10 mins a day? Or less. I think in my case it was less. So what? Being with you is what matters. She would like someone to play with but it doesn't have to be you. Can you have a friend round to play regularly?

yes, im bloody tired. Im always tired.
I find it difficult trying to:
work
be a mother
be a father
walk the dog
clean the house
do the garden
do all the paperwork
try to have a social life

Im shattered most of the time. But i thought we were chugging along ok.
yes i was/am damn hurt by what she said as it just makes me feel awful. That all im doing already isnt enough and somehow ive got to find more of myself to give when im already stretched pretty thin.

and yes, i also hate that playing means leaving a big mess which i then have to sort out = more work for me.

She must moan about loads of things that you don't give in to - biscuits/DVDs/new toys/treats/whatever - and I bet you don't feel the slightest bit bad. So this is your guilt talking, nothing more.

You sound like you need a break

I think you are doing great, honestly. Some people aren't into the "playing" side of things - like me - however DD's father will play for hours at tea parties, lego etc. I admire his ability, but I don't have it.
We have our own 1-2-1 time doing other things.
Plus, this mind sound harsh, but whatever you did they'd find a thing that you SHOULD be doing with them - the latest in our house is "I wish you could pick me up from school" but in my defence when I get an early finish and do that, she'd rather go to her after-school and hang out with the other kids!!!!

(PS I work full time, I'd rather not but needs must at the moment.)

of course she does moan about other stuff. And of course i dont feel bad about it.

Maybe this is just the same and i feel bad beacuse i dont feel like im doing a good enough job.

A break with the pressure off for a while would be fab, except its not going to happen. So ive just got to muddle though.

We did have a weeks holiday not so long ago. we had a day at an attraction, went to the beach, visited horses, swam, played in the park, went on boats. etc.. etc... i reminded her of this when she said i didnt play and she just repeated that we did things but i didnt play.

Thats why i feel sad. I took her on holiday on my own, with dog. When i couldnt really afford to and it still wasnt enough.

I'm pondering the comment further down the thread about how much your parents played with you. Good grief, it was never on my parents' radar AT ALL (and yet I remember them as spending a lot of time with us).

Nope, no point in expecting the little horrors to be grateful.

lady - i did have a cleaner for a while but i cant afford it anymore. it made the world of difference and i had much more time for DD then.

Thats why when people say leave it until she is alseep i just cant. it then feels like a total druge and makes me depressed.

She does play on her own, and i too thought she was happy doing so. She had never complained before and shes almost 5.

orm - i cant remember my mother or father actually playing with me/us at all. but then there were 4 of us, so thats a little different. In fact i just remember lots of being told to go outside and play, or go in the playroom and play, or go in your rooms and play. I dont even remember being read to, or even watching tv with let alone baking or anything.

I think im going to try and play for half and hour after dog walk every other day. See if thats better. Its as much as i can do really.

'Please come and sit on the floor where I am in charge of the world'

Spot on, LadyBiscuit. OP, could you try saying to your daughter, 'I think you'd like to be in charge for a little bit, wouldn't you? Let's swap and pretend YOU'RE the mummy till the pinger goes off.'
<obviously don't try this if your daughter is likely to model Being A Horrid Victorian Parent>

They just have a way of finding your sore spots, I think. I had it a bit because I'm a rubbish "player", but when DD 8 found a friend a few doors down, we were all superfluous to playing requirements anyway.

You are doing a great job. No one can be all singing all dancing supermum. There's plenty of parents out there doing half what you do with your daughter.

My SIL somehow makes her own party invitations, yet has 3 kids and works twice the hours I do. And I think: you must do this in your sleep. No wonder she's always crying.

timeisshort - wow, I am in awe of what you manage to achieve just you. It far outstrips what DH and I manage with just 16mo DS to accommodate.

Having read more of your posts, I wonder if what your DD is picking up on is your tiredness, and maybe a lack of joy in your life (sorry, putting words into your mouth with that last one)? Maybe she is trying to say that she wants you to be happier, and play is what makes her happy?

Could be way off here, of course.

lol - yes. could do.

Thing is, before she said that i thought she was ok.
this week we are:
After work today going to pick presents for her friends and get things for picnic in park with her friend tomorrow.
Tue: potter round getting house things done, bake cakes and have picnic tea in park with friend ( can play on swings etc..)
Wed: after work, walk dog in park
Thur after work, walk dog, pack things for her to go to her dads the next day.

Every night she gets stories and songs, when we are in the park we chat, collect sticks/feathers/pine cones/ talk about trees, birds etc.. what they might eat, what dinosaur lives behind what tree... etc.. etc...

Fri afternoon till sunday lunchtime shes at her dads and then saunday afternoon she has a party to go to.
Monday im off and planning on taking her crab fishing.

I kind of thought that was ok for a child who is under 5 and at nursery from 8:15 - 3pm four days a week.

Ok? Sounds amazing!

I'm increasingly convinced it's you who needs to have some more fun. Do you get to do fun things for yourself when DD is at her dad's?

isitme - there is joy. I fit it in everyother weekend. I should probably be sleeping though as it doesnt help with the tiredness levels!!

Am I naive in hoping that you can also have fun in spending time with your DD, so that she can see it too?

Wow! timeisshort I am so impressed by your dd's lovely life! I'm sure she is a very happy girl. You are obviously working so hard and I wouldn't worry about one little winge.

and just had a text from a lady we met at a bug hunt and pond dipping thins we had in the local park a few weeks ago wanting to see if we wanted to go pond dipping tomorrow.

so we will do that too.

Thats why it upset me that she said that, beacuse i think we do quite a lot of things and its not good enough.

and yes, i do have fun. Again, its hard as im stretched thin, and often im tired. but i do... it jsut doesnt help with the tiredness levels. Plus if im out all weekend the stuff round the house doesnt get done either.. meaning more for me to do it the week.

its a fine line all this juggling about.

I am not a single parent and I don't work and I rarely 'play' with my dc's.

We do things together that we all enjoy; reading, painting, drawing, chatting, walks, films etc, but I can't remember the last time I sat on the floor and played lego for example. I'm not interested - I love my children, but I am 40-odd and not into the same things that they are. I figure that they get all this from other children and as I have three dc's each other.

Please stop beating yourself up, it sounds like you are doing a fab job.

You are doing loads of things.

I don't think I'm making myself clear. As a SAHM to one 16mo DS, I found myself waiting and waiting for the time when I would actually enjoy being with DS - by which I mean feeling relaxed and having fun. It has finally happened for us in the past month or so.

So I know it's possible, but it doesn't sound like you're experiencing it. I don't think that's right, and is not to do with how many things you do.

well - thats what i though. that she is at nursery long enough and will be doing plenty of playing there.
And that all the things we do do were fab.
But it seems not so, and that actually playing with mummy is whats needed.

OK, I don't go with this children say things they don't mean business. It's obviously bugging her (not saying it to make you feel worse OP, I promise), So why not give her the option every so often? Tell her she has a choice between, I don't know, playing or going to the park or playing and making cakes. Don't think of it as an extra but as an instead of. She might prefer the idea of you just sitting on the floor doing a puzzle with her rather than flying about doing activities.

That sounds like a criticism, it really isn't, I'm in awe of how much you pack in

I think you are doing a great job.

If you managed to squeeze in some playing with DD she would no doubt find something else to feed your 'parent guilt': "Mummy you don't give me enough chocolate / let me watch TV / stay up late.......".

timeisshort pleaseplease stop worrying about this - as other posters have said she's just what I call AskingForMore. If she was moaning that you didn't give her enough crisps or let her play with sharp knives you would soon put her straight regarding that wouldn't you?

I'm not advising you to be rotten to her when you can't play but she needs to find her own strategies to fill time when mom can't play.

FWIW I would love you to be my mom - I think what you do for her is amazing and you acheive far more with her on a daily basu
is that I could only dream about with my 4.

And don't pay heed to Fiddle's post please.

Your DD has a fantastic mom, but like all children she probably won't realise this until she's a parent herself.

Definitely sounds to me like she's pushing your buttons. Making dens and things is playing, just she has a different definition that specifically involves her toys.

But, also like someone else said, maybe you have higher standards of cleanliness than me if you are doing cleaning every day. Our house gets blitzed once a week, and then left for the rest of the week, unless there is some specific mess to clean up. Maybe try it that way, and free up a few minutes each day for lego or whatever it might be. After all, a bit of dust isn't going to hurt.

I am also not good at playing either, as I do find it dull, and I figure that's what nursery is for as well. DS 'just' gets to join in with what we're doing a lot like you.

timeisshort,

as a fellow LP you have completely put me to shame with what you manage to fit in! Thanks for that.

Honestly, I think you should be proud of what you're doing.

Being a LP and fitting in the 'fun stuff' is always a challenge. Seems to me that you're suceeding though.

I rarely 'play' with DS, we go out loads when I'm not working (soft play, park, swimming etc)
The 3 days I work, I collect him from the childminders, come home and DS plays whilst I make tea/ wash up etc. Bath, story and bed!

Yikes, I feel bad now!

Seriously though, well done.

I think the 'you don't play' with me hits harder if DD is an only child.

I have one DD aged 4 and yes spend lots of time with her like you do but not much time as she would like playing my little ponies or polly pockets or pretending to be the handsome prince.

The pang for me is DD is an only due to my health reasons not choice and it does make me think she's lonely, wants someone to play with.

I know, from my own childhood experience, that siblings don't always play well together but Dd ssaying paly with me makes me feel horrible about her lack of sibling.

tis You sound like you are doing a fine job. I rarely play with my 2 dc's, whenever I try and start some playing it usually ends up a in squabble moments later. They are at nursery 4 days a week and thats a hell of a lot of playing and messy play so I never feel the need to get the paints out at home .

They help me in the garden a lot this time of year. DS is only 3.8 but managed to earth up my potatoes a treat. I have to save the mowing / strimming for when they are in bed as it's not safe otherwise. We've reached a stage where it's easier to involve them in what I'm doing, even at a basic level, than get out the toys / messy play and make more work for me.

goodness, she's just having a whinge - that's the problem with parents today, they don't realise that children are programmed to complain about whatever pops into their birdlike skulls.

Drag her round the house with you and give her jobs. She wants time, and even if she does want you to pretend to be a compliant 5 year old, the house cannot stop running because she wants someone to sit on the floor and be told "No, no, he doesn't say that, he says 'Ok Mummy' - now you say 'ok Mummy' --- you said it wrong!"

You're a human being, you have to do sertain things to meet both of your needs.

Put her in charge of atering the garden, and do something else while you get on with it.

Also, instead of a bath, every other day sit and play a board game with her. My kids love that.

thanks. has put it a bit in perspective.

The park thing ( this makes me feel bad) but we only go all the time as we have to walk the dog. We dont often stop to play on swings etc...

But she wonders about saying ' can you hear all the crickets' or ' i can see new bat boxes' so we will have a bit of a chat about that.

Ive just got home from the trip to buy things for the parties, just turned pc on expecting important email.
DD is having to amuse herself. ive got to get washing it, put some out, make her bed ( had to strip it in the night as she wee'ed in, which she never does) and then its the dinner, bath, story and bed thing. While i try and sort the sprinkler out and the paperwork will have to wait till when shes gone to bed.

We arent racing about doing fun activities all the time,in fact she does hardly anything compareed to a lot of her friends.

colditz - your right. i have to do certain things to meet our needs. that will not change. i do the best i can. just will try and squeeze a bit ot playing time in as well.

somewhere....

Do the kind of playing she wants instead of baking or instead of bath or story time one night.
Instead of den building or water fights ask her if she wants to do sit down playing.
Sounds like you do plenty with her but if she would prefer Lego to baking then why not swap things round a bit? Won't take up extra time you don't have then

TIS sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. Being a single parent is so draining - I was until DS was 4 and I worked full time. I felt constantly guilty and didn't do half the stuff you do. I really think she is just having a whinge and you are prob so stressed and tired that you have taken it too personally.

I have to say i rarely play with my kids, but we do lots of stuff together - and that sounds like what you're doing. Don't beat yourself up over it - this is a remark made by a small child. My kids say stuff like this from time to time and it doesn't bother me because I know I do the best i can. If she seems happy and content then you are doing a good job. The fact that she can say stuff like this to you means that she feels that she feeels she can trust you to listen to her vent and whinge without it changing your relationship. You clearly have a good relationship with her and are doing a good job.

You are putting me to shame with all the nice stuff you do - I stick mine in front of the telly a lot

Fel is right-let her choose.I too found playing BORING-until we got to games I liked.You are doing a brilliant job.

you are doing loads with her. Sounds like she is too used to it!!!
you also have to teach her to play by herself, which is difficult
I think it's very unfair of her to say that, and if she says it again,I would point out(nicely!) all the things that you have done.
please don't worry about it anymore.
If anything I think you should be trying to find time for yourself, not more time for her.

OP - try not to feel guilty, you sound like you do loads with your DD.

I once told my mum that I felt guilty that I didn't do many activities with DD. My mum literally had no idea what I was talking about. She just asked why DD doesn't just play nicely with all her (many) toys on her own like I used to!! All this 'quality time' business is a modern invention IMO!

I am particularly bad at actually playing with my DCs. My DD talks to me incessantly though, and follows me round the house every minute we are together. So we may not have any playing time together, but we certainly talk a lot!

Also, the problem with little kids, is that they just don't think 'mummy hasn't got time to play with me today, but that's okay cos we went to the zoo yesterday'. You get no good parenting credit!!!! It drives me mad that I will take DD and DS to the park, the library, then for a walk over to play with friends, and then when I have to cook the tea later, DD tells me that she is bored and she never gets to do anything nice!

you have to consider that children with parents who are separated often say things to get stuff, my nephew was 4 when he told his mum, separated from dbrother, that grandma gave him all the sweets he wants...she called my mum really enfuriated, she doesn't aprove of him eating lots of sweets....he rarely gets any sweets, he was trying to get his mum to give him sweets after dinner, thought it might work. maybe she is done with baking,... but you do a lot of stuff with her, and you certainly don't sound like an uncaring mother to me.
and i know what is like, my dh works a lot, so no help with house, small house too, newborn baby equals really dirty house, not a lot of clothing to chose from, but who cares,... happy baby and happy mummy, unless she chooses to look around the house at everything is not done, gardening, haven't done it for months, pay a neighbour kid a tenner to do it a few times a month and problem sorted.

From what I have read sounds as though you are doing a really fab job. But if you want to free up some time, try as often as possible to make double the amount of food you need so one day you have less cooking as you are just heating up the spare portion. Would probably give you 20 mins or so for Lego etc.

Also you could 'play' restaurants, making menus etc to play while you are cooking - she could be waitress whilst you are the chef.

aw you sound so lovely and like your doing a great job.

personally i do think it's very important to sit and play with her even if only for 15-20 mins a day.
esp if shes an only.

what is it you do with your garden to be gardening so much?
i'd try and cut that down abit.
cut the grass every other week.
let the plants die.
who cares

i know you say at 8.30 you just want to drop, but if you set aside even 15 mins you can still sit down at 8.45

good luck to you, your doing so well

also have plenty of easy dinners, like tonight we are having eggs on toast lol

also forget about bathing everynight.
everyother is more than enough

I think you need a day to get organised!
organisation is key to your happiness.....

I get no help at all from my husband on housework or helping at bathtime etc, so I dont have that extra pair of hands. It would be wonderful for him to look after dd whilst I do the pots or something, but he wont.

I have a day off in the week so spend that time cleaning, shopping, jobs, paperwork etc.
During the week I just leave it. House is a mmess but thats life! I know how tiring it is I finish around 430 get in do tea etc i go to bed around 9pm
are you anaemic? might be worth checking out.
I think you do lots with your daughter.

I think that when your daughter said you NEVER play with her, she probably meant that you weren't giving her the attention she wanted at that particular moment in time. It probably just hit a raw nerve. From what l've read you sound like a fantastic mum.

My DD would like me to play games she makes up with her soft toys and ponies etc a lot more than I can handle. Half an hour is about my limit. So I make sure I do half an hour each weekend, usually just after a meal while DH is washing up. She is 5 and understands there is no time for this in the week. DH is away about 1 weekend in 4 and it still works. I leave the clearing up until after I've played with her, by which time she's usually into her game and will carry on by herself while I clear up. And if she's not in the mood for that, she stomps around being cross while I get on with the clearing up anyway.

You are really hard on your self and you are probably also trying to hard to be perfect - and unfortunately, you are destined to fail at that!!

I read a book about being a busy Mum and there was one thing that really resonated with me - how hard it is to live in the moment, to put everything else aside and just focus on one thing.

I don't have a magic answer but here's my suggestion. Give yourself an hour or so when you get in to whizz round, get tea etc bearing in mind that there is always more that can be done - be strict with yourself!! Give your DD some things she can do while you do that (colouring, model making, watching a DVD, having a snack, playing on her own). Tell here that she then gets a half an hour of dedicated playing time, let her absolutely lead it, give in, get involved, switch off from the other stuff and force yourself to enjoy it!!

Give yourself a break - no one is this perfect without being a little loony!!

thanks.

i built a lego tower with her. She pottered about in her car while i was sorting out washing outisde ( but we usually do this)
then, after tea i cleared up really quickly and we played playmobile and did some dancing at dds request.

i think i get a gold star!

I think if i can manage that every other day that will be good.

I get the thing about the seperated parents as well. I think that probably makes a difference as when she goes to her dads is just 48 hours of playing with her and fun stuff. I cant do that with the 12 out of 14 that i have her. Its just how it is.

cant really leave the grass cutting to everyother week. wish i could. its new lawn and it grows like crazy. It really needs doing every 3 days but thats just impossible.

I could do with a bit of time to get really organised i think. Ive been trying to build a new social cirlce as well so have been accepting every invitation ive been getting. Im going to be out 3 evenings this week. Which is great and all, but then the weekends without DD where i would normally have a blitz on the garden, or massive tidy or her room or whatever.. well, they just dont get done.

I find it really hard to get the right balance of stuff i think.

Anyway - tomorrow is bun making, and present wrapping. Picnic lunch in the park for a few hours with one of her friends. ( and taking dog - two birds, one stone) gardening in the afternoon and a few admin phone calls. bath and ive a load of laundry to put away. and im out tomorrow evening.

Will try and fit in some time to play pet shops or something. even if its just for 15 mins.

It sounds a bit as though you are asking us to decide whether it's you or your DD who is being unfair. Obviously she is - you do loads of stuff with her (as well as everything else that needs doing). But she is the child, and you are the adult. From time to time she is going to say hurtful things, she won't really mean them and it doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate you. It's your job to let them pass and not take them to heart; it's not fair to expect a small child to be properly grateful and appreciative, sadly they just aren't! I'm sure when she's older she'll look back and be amazed at how you managed to create so much time for her, as well as working and looking after the house etc.

OK, everything apart from your comment about the lawn sounds reasonable and sensible. Take a deep breath and read this several times.

IT DOES NOT MATTER IF THE GRASS IS WAIST HIGH. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU ARE RELAXED AND HAPPY ABOUT THE TIME YOU SPEND ENJOYING YOUR DAUGHTER.

And - to be brutally frank - three nights out a week? Of COURSE you are exhausted.

OP - sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

I think you should get a timer - then you can do 15mins housework and then 15mins playing. Maybe have a look at www.flylady.net for ideas on routines/making housework fun/doing little and often.

You say that when DD is at her Dad's it is 2 days of fun - can you not do this on your weekends - i.e. ignore household tasks as much as possible for those 2 days?

It's more efficient if you put laundry away is big batches, several wash loads I find. Get a basket for each room and put stuff that belongs elsewhere in it, sort once a week. Cleaning is definetely worth doing in batches, blitz once a week, sit back and admire clean house, ignore till next week. Leave the grass, wildflower meadow is much more eco friendly and very trendy. Bun making is for bored SAHM Mums who have kids at school all day and housekeepers to do the housework.

You need to read How to be Idle and The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson.

I wouldn't wory, my dd1(6) has said far worse, the other week she called me 'a lazy cow bag' .

you explain mummy loves her v much and mum works.and working and stuff in house make mummy busy.perhaps work out wee games that she helps.-like polishing

If you don't have hours to spare for lego etc don't feel bad. Could you think to yourself I'll do x for 30 mins then sit down with DD and read stories for 15 mins. Then I'll do x house work for 45 mins then bake a cake or something else fun for a short spell of time. Set the timer and say when it goes off mummy is going to stop her jobs and do something special with you.

She will totally apreciate it I'm sure.

Also very good idea above about doing lego or whatever at the table in kitchen while you're cooking/cleaning so you can still talk to her about what she is doing.

You must be exhausted, but seriously no lawn on earth needs mowing every 3 days and I could not even countenance going out 3 nights a week and I work p/t and have a DH to (allegedly) share the work.

I wouldn't worry so much, we looked at the Mr Men the other day and was asking DS which one was me and he went "MR Busy because you are always so so busy" which didn't make me feel the best either. I figure it's just something he said not a biggie so I don't take it to heart, like when he calls me Fat Mummy, he calls everyone fat so it's not exactly heartfelt.

Something I found useful for a while though have been a bit lazy recently is Mummy time. I use a timer and each day we set aside a portion of time 10 - 20 mins dependant on boredom threshold to dedicate to DS doing whatever he wants in his room. Obviously I don't ignore him for the rest of the time, but it is focused time so if the phone rings then I will let it go to answer phone as it is his time. DS enjoys this and his behaviour improves when I do it consistently.

But generally it sounds like you are being a fantastic parent I would try not to stress about your daughters remark.

OP - my DD (4) spent 30 minutes outside sweeping up grass cuttings tonight (DH was mowing lawn), and cleaning the grass off her slide. She said it was her favourite thing she has done all day.

Seemingly boring household tasks can be great fun for kids. Best to encourage it before they become stroppy teenagers!

OP it sounds fine.

Iworked FT from when dd was a baby, and was single then. I did the housework when she was in bed at night (well the crap stuff like laundry and mopping). She has always been involved with cooking - her standing on a chair stirring something in a pan was like playing with playdo (that's how I think of it anyway).

We also bathed together until she was quite old, about 5 or so - it was nice to have cuddles and a chat in the bath with no distractions.

She also slept with me until she was school age - I fekt guilt about working and we liked the closeness and contact of co-sleeping.

I read to her every night but to be honest I didn't spend loads of time builing stuff with lego etc. One thing we did do togethr was to make cards, so made christmas cards and birthday cards for all her friends. That was probably enough arts and crafts. We also used to go for walks on the beach and trips to feed to ducks at the weekends, and swimming together without fail on Sundays.

One thing which DID go by the wayside was my social life. I didn't go out - I didn't have the bloody time anyway, and was studying for a degree whislt working. So my social life was pants for yuears, but frankly something has got to give. It wasn't gpoing to be work, wasn't gpoing to be study, and certainly wasn't going to be the precious time I spent with dd. So I had few friends.

Frankly, there is nowt wronmg with your dd growing up knowing that money/toys/life doesn't get granted by the benevolent gods from on high, and that mummy has to work to pay for it all. DD has inherited a good work ethic, and at 14 doesn't think she has missed out on having a FT working mother. So don't beat yourself up over a random remark she made.

I would borrow DH's line - practise, and repeat

"It is not my job to play with you. It is my job to look after you, make sure you are safe and happy, and well cared for. But it is not my job to play with you. Children play games, adults don't play games. If you'd like to come and help me (build a wall/wash the dishes/weed the garden/insert as appropriate) that would be lovely. But if you want to play lego, I'm afraid you'll have to play on your own."

(Disclaimer - dd has loads of friends to play with, she's not that hard done by!)

I too am a LP and work too long hours, 4 days a week getting home at gone 6. My DD too would like to play all day, particularly babies where we pretend to be babies! It is a struggle to get all the jobs done and have fun and agree some things can be done post bedtime but not much as by the time bedtime is done it is gone 8! However, I think as a LP your guilt feels worse but really it is a working mums guilt and dilemma as lots of dads don't do much either! Also, a lot of your 'stuff' comes from only child syndrome. It sounds to me like you do fab stuff with your daughter and, like other posters are saying, she is doing what kids do and pushing your guilt button. I say 'ok I'll hang out the washing, then we'll play babies then we'll make lunch' for example. Jobs need to be done but as long as she gets 10 minutes solely devoted to 'playing babies' she doesn't mind. That way the game is her choice but you still get the jobs done! Perhaps it is the fact that she doesn't get to dictate the activity which is the problem. Every now and then perhaps let her lead even if it is only for 10 minutes and entails pretending to have your nappy changed (oh, the humiliation of it!) - ps. my dad babysat the other day and she tried to get him to play babies - he put the telly on quick she she sure pushed his buttons!

OP - when your DD comments that you don't play with her, could you start to talk with her about what she actually wants you to do? Make a list together of games she would like you to play with her. Over time you'd be able to work through this list (if you are able to do housework/gardening when she's in bed or relax about the length of the grass) - and then the next time she says you don't play with her, you could point out all the things you have done from your list. Could that work?

OP, you are doing brilliantly. Only read the first half of the thread and I can see how some posts would make you feel worse. I am not a lone parent, have occasional family help and a cleaner for 2 hours a week and I still don't find much time to "play" with my DD. We do loads of stuff together but I just don't really like playing (which actually means being bossed around an awful lot and told exactly what to say and do with the disney bloody princess dolls). My parents never played with us in this way, not to my knowledge anyway.

One thing I do do however which you could perhaps incorporate is "play" whilst doing other things. For example, we sometimes play restaurants at meals times. She makes a menu and I am the waitress/cook and we pretend she is out to dinner. Likewise with getting dressed/putting shoes on (clothes./shoe shops), washing and rying her hair (hairdressers). That way, we are getting on with our day but also incorporating "pretend play". Seems to keep DD (aged 4) happy.

oh i like twofalls idea of playing restaurants.
i think i'll do that with dd this week.

"I think that probably makes a difference as when she goes to her dads is just 48 hours of playing with her and fun stuff. I cant do that with the 12 out of 14 that i have her. Its just how it is."

And that is exactly why she said what she said. She is getting 48 hours of sole attention at her dad's, presumably, because I would suspect that her dad would be on top of the housework by the weekend as he does not have her during the week and so has time to keep on top of the housework during the week. Unlike yo - you ARE doing everything, and you are doing it VERY VERY well, and really you should congratulate yourself, not beating yourself up about one comment she made!

Someone further up asked why you couldn't just let the housework go on the weekends you have her? But I suspect you wouldn't be able to let it go at weekendss if you are doing your best to give her time and attention during the week - if I didn't do any housework during the weekend then my kids would get no attention from me all week after work as I'd be having to catch up then. It is very hard, you only have so much time, and it does seem like you spend a lot of time wtih her doing lovely things.

Really, you are doing fabulously well. Fabulously. I have a feeling she has only said this because of the amouhnt of attention she gets at her dad's house - she's become "spoilt" for want of a better word, and expects exactly the same at home where you are trying to be superwoman doing everything.

I bet if she had a sibling she wouldn't have made this "playing" comment. The only time I ever felt like my mum could have made more of an effort to play with me when I was little was when I was recovering from chickenpox and my sister was at school. Mum just seemed to be cleaning/ironing/cooking all day. She was ovviously doing those things on other days, it's just that I never noticed because normally after school I had my sister/neighbourhood kids to play with and so didn't need my mum to play with me.

Just one last suggestion, have you tried asking exactly what she means by "playing"? i.e. if you are about to start making dens/baking/reading etc you could always call her bluff and say "or would you rather we played instead?" She might actually say "But this IS playing, mummy!" Even if she doesn't say that, it's an opportunity for her to pick a playing activity that she wants, even if it IS mind-numbingly boring My Little Pony acting out rubbish.

I think from the sounds of it you are doing brilliantly. Children always want more, if they had you full time all day every day, they'd want to see someone else, go somewhere etc.

As a slight aside, ds (6) thinks I don't spend enough time with him, we're on holiday now and I'm making a huge effort. He then asked me today if I minded if he went off to play by himself for a bit as he was too tired to play with me again!

However, I'm not a lone parent, my mother was and I'm in awe of how much she did!

Just seen Takver's post, which made me laugh, but it is half right really. You are NOT your DD's playmate, and she needs to learn that.

What is it about the fact we feel we have to entertain our kids so much. You are spending heaps of time with your DD, doing fun stuff, involving her in chore stuff and yet people are still on here saying sod the housework you should be on the floor playing.

Rubbish. Kids needs to learn to entertain themselves. You are not neglecting her or ignoring her and so letting her get on with it sometimes and play by herself is perfectly fine.

That said, Im sorry but you have a misty idea of what having another half about can mean. My Dh works such long hours he does zero housework or garden work. But I appreciate the emotional support is priceles. You get the time at the weekend when you can zip about in the car and do errands withouth getting a child in and out the car`etc, so maximise that. Altho your social life is important, being out 3 nights per week plus the weekend is bound to be tiring so if you want to do it, accept you will be shattered in the week.
Who babysits for you? maybe they can come earlier and help with bedtime if thats a time of major stres for you.

Oh, and the dog may be just one thing too many? (sorry all ardent dog lovers)

herecomesthescience - does your dh work all day every day including weekends?! Surely he helps with house/garden stuff on his days off?

i dont think she wants pretend play. We do that all the time. ( while im doing things around the house )
I think she wants me to sit down and play with her toys with her.

We do loads of stuff together thats not the problem at all. and she is generally happy pottering about after me while im doing house things. or she helps and thats great.

But i dont actually sit on the floor and play. Today, playing playmobile people for half an hour was actually very difficult. Thats a long time to be making up voices and walking them about and just repeating the same thing. Though dd seemed to like it. Worse is i have a very active imagination. I can tell wonderful stories, about all sorts, and make something magical out of a stick and a puddle.. and she belives it all. We have wonderful conversations about all sorts of made up things. But im just not good at lego or playmobile people.

Though she wanted me to do dancing with her before bed time. Which involved her standing in front of me, jumping about like a loon and shouting ' mummy you have to copy me' and ' mummy do it like this'.

i cant let my social life go. I moved to a new area and have been here for 18 months. I still only know a handful of people. I need to have nice things to do when DD is at her dads else i go bored and depressed quite quickly. Its just quite full on at the momment. Probably trying to do too much again.

Promise the grass does grow that quick. And i stupidly planted loads of veg again this year, after last year growing too much and saying i wouldnt do it. But DD loved planting it/watering it/picking it/eating it.. So i did it for her. Thing is, its more work on top of everything else.

You're doing a brilliant job by the sounds of things! Don't be so hard on yourself! She's old enough to understand that there are jobs that just have to be done to keep your home clean, welcoming for your friends and organised so you can find stuff and not be late for going out to enjoy yourself etc. Set her goals for helping you, set the timer, sing songs as you work or whatever works, and then reward her with times when she can chose from two or three activities.
I'm not a single parent but can understand that when it's just the two of you a remark can take on higher significance within the intensity of your relationship. Doing the 'real' stuff can more fun and more valuable long term. Relax!

Sounds like you are a great mum and spending lots of quality time with your DD. However, sure some of the gardening and housework could slide / find shortcuts.

I used to work the same kind of time as you when DS was your DD's age (but 5 days pw) but I did play, go to the swings, play ball etc. I just didn't mow the lawn, clean the bath every day and I didn't have a dog to look after, I bulk cooked sometimes, had a salad etc.

Make life easy. Have a birthday card and pressie drawer, with wrapping etc. - buy toys in the sale - cheaper and no dragging round the shops all the time (or buy online).

When she starts school I'm sure she will be asked on playdates so some evenings you will get a break / opportunity to catch up on things.

No wonder you're tired if you're out 3 evenings in the week with a child (and work)- you're not a teenager!

timeishort, one thing I have learnt is that however much you do, it will never be enough in the eyes of your children. They will just take as much as you can give and still want more . Some people are rubbish at making up stories but great at playing with toys, others are good at arts and crafts but have no imagination in other ways.

I honestly think you have to stop feeling so guilty. DD1 sometimes moans that I don't do this or don't do that and I have to remind her of all the things I do do (which obviously goes in one ear and out of the other). Play with her when you have the time and inclination but don't let her take you on this guilt trip, you sound like a great Mum. And of course you shouldn't et your social life go in favour of housework. you are a person too.

i agree you need to build a social life, but you can do that one or two nights a week, i'd be knackered goign out 3 nights, in fact one does me in lol

is there anyone that could rehome the dog?
even if just for a holiday?

are there any toys you think you would enjoy playing with?
ifso perhaps you could get a few bits,
i'm one of those freaks that enjoys playing with toys esp lego and sylvanians.
but certain things like playing shops i find a bit wearing, perhaps theres toys out there you might both enjoy?

also don't focus on being good at playing, just do it anyway, esp with things like play mobile, ust act out the everyday stuff.

the key is to aim for good enough, not perfection, noone can be perfect all the time.

timeisshort

As I recall, when I was little I played with my toys with friends who came round to tea - not with my mother.

Does your DD have friends who visit? If not, maybe that is something you could do more of? It sounds as if she is really looking for another child to play the sorts of things she likes playing, rather than specifically wanting to do more with you (since you do plenty with her already).

lol - i dont clean the bath everyday. i dont have OCD!!

its just general housestuff im doing.

re the dog. Yes probably one thing too many. All the walking and extra hoovering. But i adore him and so does DD and he is involved in many hours or being read too. or dressed up or having some part of Dds make pretend world...

she doesnt begrudge me doing housework either, she usually helps and has never mentioned anythign about it. Literally she said this the other night just as i was putting her to bed. That i was always busy and didnt have time to play with her.



yes at her dads, of course hes all caught up on stuff, and he has a partner too. And they do wonderful fun things with her. Im pleased she has such a great time and i dont have to worry about her when shes with him. But i think maybe thats not helping my situation at home as i just dont have the time.

i dont think i have a misty eye about what a partner can do. I was married actually. to someone who was in the forces, so he wasnt there much anyway. And when he was he was a useless lazy bum. But he still did some things sometimes. Its actually amazing how a tiny tiny amout of help can make a big difference. Even just being there for someone else to talk to the child. DD just has me to talk to.. so its constant.

I don't think you should feel you have to be a playmate on top of everything else you are doing with her, which is considerable.

I am not great at playing either. I did play Top Trumps and a Harry Potter board game today but that was rare and DS2 got me while my defences were down.

I think the reason we're adults is because we're well past the stage of hours and hours of imaginary stuff with dolls, and onto playing house for real with a proper one. That's perfectly fine. It's like not wanting to stuff your face with sweets any more. We all grow up, which is OK and the natural order of things.

I would say a few more playdates with kids her own age and this may pass.

Another one who is not good at getting down to my children's level and playing with them.

You doing pretty well, I reckon.

Timeisshort - I totally know what you mean. I have a (helpful) husband, only work 2 days/week, have a pretty self-managing child, (and no dog) and i STILL spend my life thinking 'have to put the washing out, water the garden, cook, tidy up...', and spending next to no time actually interacting with DD. I'm pretty sure when she's 4 I'm going to get the same whine. The point where she goes to bed is so precious to me, I just want to collapse and DO NOTHING til bedtime. Or drink. Saving up the chores til then makes me want to cry. All my energy just disappears.

I haven't quite decided what the issue is in all this, but I think not having fun for myself in the day is somewhere close. Also maybe something about not being able to self-direct our time? (And possibly why your heart sinks at the thought of being literally directed by your daughter in 'playtime'.) We don't live in the 1950s so we follow our children's timetable and needs, not the other way round. And it's soul-destroying. I can never quite get DH to understand that, even though he works steadily on his hour's commute to and from work, it's still HIS time, as opposed to belonging to another small human being -which the main carer doesn't get in the 12-hour day at home with the kids.

PS my father in law had a nanny as a child in the 50s, who insisted on 6.30pm bedtime, whatever their age, AND to have 2-hour naps (!) during the day - when they weren't allowed to read or play if they weren't tired... that woman knew what she was doing!

Timeishort - you've had lots of lovely positive comments here. Can I add one more? Perhaps she's just a bit lonely? Could she have a friend over to play (and then she could go on a return trip and you get an hour off - result!)

Also, please don't feel bad because it sounds to me like you are doing a fab job under very trying circumstances. Kids do get a spell of the boreds and get very dissatisfied. My DD has not eaten any meal for a week without complaining and it's just because her routine is out of whack because of the summer holidays.

Roll on September and normality I say!

Try not to get down. You are coping with something most of us would struggle with (ie doing it alone).

Have read/scanned most of this thread. Am sure that as many other posters have said, that yr DD's comment is not worth worrying about as you are doing an amazing job.

but...maybe it's worth having a little chat with her and asking her what she meant, and more importantly, asking exactly what she wants mummy to do. maybe she is thinking of a game she played with her dad, something she saw at someone's house etc. Maybe you could make a wish jar (or something) and she can put in ideas of what she wants to do during playtime and when you have 20 min, you can dip into the jar and do that. or plan things ahead of time - yr ex gets nearly 2 weeks to plan how to be marvellous for 2 days. Don't bother cleaning after she goes to bed tmw night, get online and find something lovely you can both do that will really create a memory for you and her.

I do believe kids are happier if they feel like they get properly listened to from time to time. I am sure you do listen but maybe having a really clear conversation about anything she wishes was part of her day would make you feel better.

You do sound like you're doing a really good job. But for everyone who says you're her parent, not her playmate, can I just second the recommendation above for "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen. It's a fantastic book and really helpful for getting into playing with children and all the subsequent benefits it can bring to your relationships with them and their emotional development.

Sorry, I have to laugh out loud because kids are such little monkeys for making us feel bad.

This morning I got up with my 4yr old at 7. we ate breakfast and then played the following:

making towers
building lego houses
transformers

Until daddy got up at 9 o'clock. That's 2 hours of play! And also very unusual. Normally we have nursery and stuff to do and so on...hubby has a week's holiday this week too.

So hubby gets up and we're all getting ready to go out for the day and 4yo says "daddy, will you play transformers with me?"
Daddy says no coz we're going out (theme park I should point out)... kiddo says "but...but..." bottom lip wobbling... "no one ever plays with me..."

I recommend you take a read of the following:

The Idle Parent, Tom Hodgkinson
The Secret of Happy Children, Stephen Biddulph.

Both great books and will make you feel a whole lot better about what a great mother you are.

Also, one more tip. Each time you do something with DD - even if it only 5 mins, put a penny in a jar. i.e. you walk the dog together, you eat tea together and chat, you read a bedtime story, you bath her, cuddle her, drive home from school together... do this for thirty days and watch those coins pile up. That's what parenting is... that's the great job you are already doing and when you look at that jar of coins, you will smile when LO complains that you're not playing with her...

xx

you are a wonderful mum because you clearly worry about the happiness of your child.

I am a child minder.. i have worked full time for the last 4 years, thats 3 children under 4 every day from 8 till 6.

my own youngest child is 11 and I feel incredibly guilty that I was a sahm for my older children and she is frequently put last behind the minded children.. summer holidays were the worst..

I recently cut one of my days.. made so much difference ..and joined the local gym which has a nice pool.

most nights we go swimming, to the cinema or chill and watch a movie together... guess what.. my older boys say she is spoilt and they never had this much attention...

as a mum you can never win..

I'm a SAHM and I don't play with my kids! The idea of a mother having the time (or inclination) to play is a pretty new. Get her to help with watering the garden. Kids love helping, although it's a PITA because it takes 3 times as long, but at least it's getting done
The only quality time I make sure I set aside is a couple of stories a day, usually at bedtime. IT's a lovely way to reconnet. Try to just make sure you get 1 thing in, like a story.

Jesus, OP, you run the entire household, take the dog for a daily walk, play with your daughter loads, work four days a week, grow your own vegetables, mow the lawn weekly, organise an active social life for her, go out three nights in one week yourself, involve your daughter with the housework and chats and stories and baking, and you still put half an hour into being a freaking Playmobil person AND doing pretend dancing?

Yeah, you're doing too much.

My mother raised me and my brother as a lone parent, and was always broke and busy and stressed (no maintenance from father, Thatcher era), at one point commuted from Bristol to London daily to bring in a paycheque, was utterly shattered all the time. I know that now, as an adult, from talking to her. But what I remember is:

Eggy bread on a Sunday morning
Playing in the (horrible, tiny, concrete, but fine by me) garden with friends
Rainy day drives, when we would just drive for an hour to get out of the house. I still love driving in the rain.
Hours and hours of reading on my tummy in my room
Saturday morning cartoons (Mum would get up, organise cereal and juice, switch the TV on and go back to bed)
Learning fractions with her in the evening
Board games at Christmas and on birthdays
Picking blackcurrants, and she'd try and make blackcurrant jam, and every year it would fail and we'd end up with blackcurrant syrup instead

Etc. I have oodles of wonderful family memories. Oodles. And your daughter will as well. She's honestly just pushing your buttons, and you're at risk of martyring yourself on the pyre of Perfect Motherhood, I think.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to play five year old style games. These games are not designed for grown ups. Some grown us enjoy them, and that's fine - my dh really enjoyed playing Babies with dd, whilst I'd rather slit my wrists. But I did the reading and talking stuff and I quite enjoy playing board games and puzzles too (although not I have to admit with five year olds too much).

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying to your dd that you don't really like to play (whatever you find difficult) but you do like to play (whatever you think you'd enjoy together). I think most small children would like their parents to play with them lots, but I really don't think you are in any way failing your dd by not playing playmobile etc with her. She'll have lots of play time at nursery, and it sounds like in general you have a lovely time with her, more than many other families. My two learned to accept that I didn't do a number of things, but that daddy did, or their nursery teacher did, or my mother did. Sometimes that meant waiting until they saw their father/teacher/granny, and although they grumbled, they also accepted that that was how it is (along with other things that I did and he didn't).

They seem pretty happy and well adjusted now (at 9 and 11 they no longer wish to play with grown ups, but still enjoy talking to me at length).

No parent is perfect, and I'm not terribly sure it would be good for children if they were, but you really do sound more than good enough. Once you have your social life sorted you'll probably have more potential playmates for her, which means a bit more of a break and other little girls to play with, which is probably what she woudl really find most satisfying.

You are doing an amazing amount of stuff. I am saving having a pet and veg garden for later because of lack of time. And there are two adults in this house.

I would try to get to the bottom of this in case there is something specific she's referring to, something which you might be able to fit in. And if there isn't, try to forget about it and remind yourself about everything you are getting right. Your DD isn't going to say thank for all that stuff for a long while yet!

Well the dog was from when i was married. I would never have chosen to get a dog if i was single, as it a drain on time and finances.
BUT - i would never rehome him. Hes old and i adore him. So i just have to deal with it.

The veg garden. yes, well i wasnt going to do it this year, beacuse it was such a lot of work last year. But DD pestered me about it, so i did.

Ill try and have a talk to her about it at some point today. Though of course there is every chance she has totally forgotten what she was talking about.

And ill try and do a playdate every other week or something. ( beacuse we dont do many of those)

Thank you everyone who says im doing a good job. makes me feel a little bit better. But i still care about what she said. I dont want her resounding memory of her childhood to be that i was always too busy ( which i am, but .....)

Can i also repeat to those that say just make sure you read a few stories. I do. every night without fail. Two books. Three songs. Two songs of her choice, last one always twinkle twinkle little star. Her dad sings it to her too as the last song. Shes coming up for 5 and shes been sung that song, as the last song everyday of her life.

Anyway - buns are needing to be made.

Timeisshort, you're still defending yourself, love. Those of us saying that you're doing loads aren't attacking your choices (veg garden, dog, etc), we're expressing our admiration that you manage all of that and are trying to suggest things that make your life easier.

Your guilt shines out of every post. You're reiterating, in detail, all the things you do, as if you need to measure up to every single expectation that everyone in the world could possibly have of you. You really don't need to do that.

Trust me, she'll remember the good bits, the funny bits, the interesting bits. She won't remember you being too busy unless you actually give yourself a nervous breakdown trying to be perfect.

yeah - i am defending myself arent i.

i have my own issues ( set in childhood) of never being good enough. Very insightful to pick that up. I didnt even realise myself.

i spoke to her about it while we were making the buns. I asked her what she meant, and she said she meant what she said. That i dont play with her.
So, i asked her what she would like me to play and she just say playmobile and the fish game.
I said, yes, we played playmobile last night didnt we and with a huge grin she said ' yes, we did'.

So, i dont think shes wanting hours and hours of me sat on the floor with her, maybe just the odd 20 mins here and there.

Im really going to make an effort on the playdate thing. WE are having one in the park today ( picnic all made) and shes very excited about that. Then we are pond dipping with a new friend of hers next week. The week after shes at her dads. But if i can try and do something with another child every other week then thats a good thing i think.

You are obviously doing brilliantly. It will get easier.

I have an only dd and my advice is to ruthlessly cultivate child friends for her. Children love to play and really its best if they play those "pretend" games with other children who enjoy them too. It may save you a lot of guilt to have friends round for her...it may even work out easier as you can get things done while they play...and it will certainly work out easier when she gets invited back! You can build up a network of good friendships with the parents too and all help each other out.

Remember she is getting lots of playing at nursery so she is not really being deprived, and if she is really desperate for more play you might look into a local childminder in addition for occassional afternoons - lets you get things done, and gives her a big dose of play with other kids.

Tortoise, your failed blackcurrant syrup just made me laugh, and brought back a pin-sharp image of my dad failing once again to make blackberry jam, and having to chip it out of the jar in huge crystalline chunks.

OP, clearly what your daughter needs is some seriously rubbish cooking to jeer at. Especially if you can reliably repeat the failure year after year.

Perhaps you'd feel less exhaused if you didn't go out 3 nights a week. God I'd be happy with one night out a month.
How do you afford it? Who babysits?

Well, as you just said, you still care about what she said. So it doesn't matter how many other activities you do with her, if it bothers you that she thinks you're too busy to play, you need to change it.

Half an hour of play a day is easy to fit in, before bedtime for example. I cannot BEAR playing role play games with my 5yo (lego bank robbery etc.) - but there are certain things I like doing, so he gets to choose from them - snakes and ladders, ludo, lego, building a train track, getting some beads and making 'jewels'.

My dh works till after midnight every night, sometimes weekends too, I also have a 16mo too, and I often have to work (freelance) after the boys are in bed. I don't usually get to bed myself till well after midnight.

I can't afford to go out 3 times a week, but I do get a cleaner once a week - have you thought about that, to help with the housework?

Just do what it takes to make sure you can give your dd half an hour a day of playtime a day with her - which I think is really about just giving her some undivided attention.

Hi timeisshort

Sounds like you're doing a fab job.

Your dd also sounds a lot like mine!

The solution for us was to cut down on the trips out and arranged stuff at weekends and just sit and play with her instead.

Might be worth a try?

You're doing a fab job timeisshort. My parents worked full time from when I was tiny; as a result I have always been very self-sufficient and indpendent. Children can't be entertained and stimulated every minute of the day; they have to learn how to entertain themselves - it's a fantastic skill to have, and means you're rarely lonely or bored in later life. It sounds like you spend looads of quality time with her; walking the dog must be precious time together when you're a captive audience for her. And you're not necessarily worse off without a partner - no one to moan about a bit of untidyiness, abandoned washing up or un-ironed shirts should you ever feel the need to abandon the housework for a day... (and presumably no MIL visits to stress over?!)

sorry but do buns 'need' to be made? and yes get on to those playdates - so your daughter gets some 'social life' too.

As a matter of interest, how much actual time do you spend on housework?

LanceLottie, if crap cooking is the way to a child's heart, it's no wonder I adore my mum so much.

I agree with the other poster who suggested that she might benefit form more time with other kids.

(sorry not sure who it was, I can't find it again and only have a couple of minutes online)

Although she is complaining about you not playing with her, perhaps the bigger picture is to do with feeling a bit lonely or bored of playing on her own. If she spent more time playing with mates I expect she'd enjoy it and it could take the pressure off you.

Would that be possible?

timeisshort, try googling flylady - following her routines have freed up my time immensley and stopped me being so perfectionist. Also there was a blog post on simple mum (i think) about making life full rather than busy recently, that really helped me prioritise - good luck!

i reckon its probably about an 2 - 2- 2.5 hours a day. But that includes preparing and cooking tea, clearing dinner stuff up. Washing, putting washing away, packed lunches watering garden, general tidying up at end of day, paperwork, then a bigger thing like dusting one day, or bathroom the next.

We dont do baking once a week or anything. im not some manic baker! lol

The three nights out is not normal. One night my sister is babysitting as im popping round a friends ( free). This weekend DD is at her dads so i dont need a baby sitter. Fri is in pub ( £10 max) sat cinema (£7)

Its not really a lot of money. I dont smoke, i dont gamble, i rarely drink, i dont do drugs...

I think she does want me to play with her, and im going to make 20 mins a day. and then work on the playdate thing. Park was very overcrowded so we came back here and she played in garden with her friend. Shes tired now so is chilling out in front of the tv have organised a play date for next tuesday and then one for the week after she comes back from her dads.

sorry and lisasimpson - yes the buns needed to be made. DD asked to make them to take on the picnic. She wanted to make pink fairy cakes to share with her friend.

fair enough - so I guess you have to explain about a trade-off with playing time and then she gets her choice?

but read this thread I was surprised by the number of people who had special memories of doing simple things while their parents worked away.

Nice support from Ladybiscuit (and I fail to see how your entire week-end can be spent doing fun stuff - surely you have to prepare meals, bath him, take him to swimming etc?)

My mum was a SAHM and a lone parent until she married when I was 7. She read to me, made cakes with me, took me to the park, but she NEVER played with me. At a push she would get toys out for me to play with. And she was a young mum too! I honestly think it didn't matter a bit. I think it is a modern thing to agonise about not playing with our DC's enough - I know I certainly worry about it! And I think it is easy to say not to worry about the housework - but I live in a tiny 2 bed flat, and it very quickly turns into chaos if we don't keep on top of things.

You are doing a fantastic job. Don't worry.

I had parents who worked very long hours, but who had very different attitudes to their jobs. My dad would pretty much leave his job in the office when he came home and would always take time to help me with my homework, test me with spellings, joke around with me and my brother etc. He used to pick us up from school maybe once a term (was at CM every day) and it was such a special treat. He'd take us to the cinema or to the big bookshop in Birmingham (I was a bookworm so loved this). Although he worked such long hours, I always felt that he had time for me.

By contrast, my mum was a workaholic. She always complained about being tired or busy and wouldn't deal with stressful situations very well, so she would snap at us and make us feel a bit of an inconvenience. That's a parent who doesn't have time for their child. It doesn't sound like you're anywhere near that bad, in fact you sound like you're doing a great job - I'd love to have had waterfights with my mum.

timeisshort, just flipped through your thread and as a single mother of 3dc i sympathise, my 3dd had a phase of saying last year, "you don't play with me" but its passsed now. Not because I play with her more(truth is, by the time 3dc comes along and then you are single working mother, there really is little time to play) but because I make her life more interesting. We'vew just cpome back from indoor pool with her friend, both can swim good and after 20 mins with me in water she was happy to play with friend and I could rerire to book and relaxation. Perhaps your dd is oin through a phase where she needs more input beyond nursery, arrange more children visiting or outins together, try some hobbies toether and enjoy time together-it oes quickly!

timeisshort, you sound fantastic. I work and have a husband to share childcare/chores with and I don't do half what you do. But I think they say things at that age (mine now nearly 7)without realising how very much it will hurt, or wanting to get at you a little, especially girls, but not knowing how much it will hurt. We used to have a cleaner and now can't afford it. I am thinking again about it though. I would say one thing though, I agree with the lady who said we never get the time back, I had a big trauma a few years ago and now if my house is a mess, it sort of seems less important. I love Star Wars, but give me Peppa Pig and ponies and I'd go crazy. Woman, you're doing great. My best friend lost her dad when she was really little and she is so strong and so close to her mum. You're her role model and you're fab.

haven't read all the posts, but loved the Grandma's post about a clear pathway to the stairs and kitchen!

sounds like you are doing just great and IMO playing with your DD plenty enough. I haven't played nearly as much with my DD as I did with my elder DS. she is much more self sufficient and doesn't ask all the time, unlike DS. now this could be because thats the way she is, or because I've not raised her expectation. some children need more external input.

i agree with megancleo - friends over to play more often if possible may take a bit of pressure/feelings of guilt off you.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but in my experience children often say "you always do xyz" or "you never do abc" when, because they don't have much concept of time, they are talking about what is happening right now. E.g.

"why aren't we getting an ice cream at the park, we ALWAYS get an ice cream at the park, when they happened to get an ice cream yesterday",

or, on the other hand,

"why can't we get an ice cream, we NEVER have ice cream", when they have been living on an ice cream diet for three days.

OP I have finished reading this and just feel like such a crap parent! Your daughter has a lovely life and def gets the best of you. I feel sorry for my two (third on the way) having read all the lovely things you do together. I have a full time job, DH works opposite hours to me so we are either at work or alone with children. I have to do an hour or two paperwork most evenings after the kids are gone to bed and cant afford a cleaner etc. So all my housework laundry etc has to be done at the weekend. Most of the time Im just trying to keep my cool. Tired and exhausted is a constant state of being. I thought I was doing a good job just hiding the stress from the boys and doing whatever nice things I can fit in. I dont play with them per se. we try to make day to day things fun and have as many outings as we can. other than that its the usual painting playdough etc
You are doing a wonderful job. I dont think playing etc needs to be a daily activity as long as its fairly regular and you both enjoy it. You should read back over this thread and maybe see yourself in a different light. Seems to me you are superwoman and your daughter is a very lucky girl.

thank you.

Im far from superwoman though. if i were it would be much easier to do it all.

I did manage a bit of playing yesterday. Playmobile again, and a kerplunk game she wanted to do. so that on top of the cake/picnic making. Plus almost 4 hours in park and at home with her friend.
I did do some house work/weeding/digging up potatoes which she loved doing/tax credits renewal as well. AND i still went out last night.

Thinking about it, and from what everyone is saying, im not the only one without lots of time to actually play with her. So that makes me feel a little better.

pinkpanettone - I'm sorry if you thought I was being unsupportive. That really wasn't my intention. I was trying (and failing by the looks of things) to say that really you don't have to keep the house spotless and that the OP originally said that they spent every weekend hanging around the house. So I suggested they go out and then she said she did!

I don't take my DS swimming but of course I cook food for him and give him a bath. It's just that those bits aren't the focus of our weekend.

I think that the OP is giving herself a really hard time and all I was trying to say is that I think she's putting herself under immense pressure. Just the thought of going out three nights a week makes me feel tired