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Baby-proofing your marriage - online chat with author CathyO Neill, Monday 26th Feb 9pm

(266 Posts)
carriemumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 22-Feb-07 10:53:25

Cathy O Neill is co-author of Baby-proofing your marriage - How to Laugh More, Argue Less and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows and will be answering your relationship queries live here on Monday 26th Feb from 9-10pm.

We've got five copies of the book to give to the first five members to join the live discussion, but if you can't make the live chat, you can post your questions in advance below.

Thanks and hope to see you on Monday

MNHQ

malaleche Mon 26-Feb-07 22:05:18

Mummypenguin - without taking away from anything Cathy may say - buy this book: 'How to talk so your kids listen and listen so your kids will talk'

malaleche Mon 26-Feb-07 22:03:17

Talk about Whiplash - after i gave birth the first time i felt like i'd been yanked back to prehistoric times, nothing like having a baby to put you firmly in your biological place...but still no excuse for DP not pulling his weight in this day and age

CathyONeill Mon 26-Feb-07 22:02:37

JARM,

You asked how to get as much attention from your OH as he gives your girls. You need to get him away from the kids. Put a little distance between the two of you and them. While it's lovely that he's revelling in fatherhood, he does need to revel in husband-hood occasionally. If you can swing it, get away for an overnight stay. If not, an evening out would be a good start. Also, it probably wouldn't hurt to give him the same adoring look that your daughters are probably giving him!

NadineBaggott Mon 26-Feb-07 22:02:03

nowt wrong with the 50's


"So they weren't as disappointed"

could be they were a good deal happier too.

No chasing up school league tables
Not having a whole class round for a 5th birthday party
No deciding what the frig was going in a party bag
Not having to manouevre a 4x4 into a teeny parking spot on the school run
Not having to resort to ready meals
Not having to look like the latest catwalk beanpole
blah, blah, blah

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 26-Feb-07 22:01:09

And a couple more from below, Cathy:
One from Maggi:

How do you deal with very different views on discipline? I had agreed with husbands authoritarian and smaking approach but since becoming a childminder I have had to become fully devoted to the 'correct' method of positive discipline. This leads to many arguements between us of the nature of "I'm not being told how to bring up my kids by someone who wrote a book" which is my husbands view. How do I get him on my side all the time and not just when mindees are in the house?

And one from MummyPenguin:
How do I get my kids to toe the line? They are 11, 8 and 7. A girl and two boys. They are causing a lot of grief at home at the moment with their fighting (the boys, mainly) squabbling, laziness, not listening to us, having to be asked a hundred times to do the simplest thing. My Daughter (the eldest) won't keep her room tidy, and that is a source of constant friction.

It has got to the stage where my Husband and I feel like we are 'a family in crisis'. He in particular, is quite depressed about the way things are right now.

How do we communicate with them, without shouting, to make them see that we are fed up with their behaviour and the way things are, and we want it to change for the better? We all need to work together on this, but how do we make the kids realise that? What changes should we make? The youngest is very immature for 7, so is quite difficult to 'get through to.'

malaleche Mon 26-Feb-07 22:00:14

My mum was disappointed, she expected my dad to pul his weight financially if nothing else.

TheArmadillo Mon 26-Feb-07 21:59:31

You say your book is divided by giving the male and female perspective.

Why did you decide to do it that way?

Do you not feel that would discrimate against same-sex couples?

Does it not discrimate against those relationships where the father is the main carer or takes on the traditionally female roles?

Why did you put marriage in the title? What about those of us who are not married? For a start that would put me off the book?

CathyONeill Mon 26-Feb-07 21:57:39

How did our mothers and grandmothers manage?

I think one of the reasons it seemed so much easier for them is that they didn't have the expectations that we all have ... career, house, material things, a real domestic and parenting partner. So they weren't as disappointed! Also, many of them started having babies in their 20s a lot of us wait until our 30s after at least a decade of doing our own thing and it's hard to embrace the self-lessness of parenthood. Also, if you end up staying at home after working for a decade you can experience Whiplash - the sensation that you've been yanked back to the 50s. I don't think our mums had that.

PeachyClair Mon 26-Feb-07 21:57:14

Ctrahy- thanks! That amde an awful lot of sense you know- I will pnt Dh towards this!

jeangenie Mon 26-Feb-07 21:57:05

Nadine, I thought that about the ring too. Or, God Forbid, you don't have one (obviously didn't give enough BJs earlier in the relationship methinks)

JARM Mon 26-Feb-07 21:56:51

Of course they do, by which time I am shattered and want to do NOTHING!

NadineBaggott Mon 26-Feb-07 21:55:41

JARM, don't they ever go to bed?

lulumama Mon 26-Feb-07 21:55:18

sometimes you just have to get through it, anyway you can....nowadays, we expect so much more!! and rightly so i think ! having a baby is such a life changing experience for all concerned. But it is sometimes irksome to have to ask for help. especially from a DP / DH !

on that note, thank you very much Cathy....will catch up on the rest tomorrow

NadineBaggott Mon 26-Feb-07 21:54:58

well lulumama, like everything in life that's true for some and not for others. My mother got no help. Hell they managed when there was a war on!

JARM Mon 26-Feb-07 21:54:49

Ok, a question....

How can I get the same attention from my DH as he gives the girls?

The girls rule him 110% and I actually feel jealous of the attention they get over me.

Wise owrds appreciated.

malaleche Mon 26-Feb-07 21:54:34

Hespera - i live many many miles from my family and inlaws and it is very hard, you need to find some friends without kids who'll take them out or babysit sometimes

CathyONeill Mon 26-Feb-07 21:54:29

Reply for Peachy Clair,

My heart goes out to you. You have a hell of a lot on your plate. Here's a few thoughts in no particular order:

At least one night a week go to bed the same time as your kids. When you're not getting enough sleep your threshold for dealing with the smallest problems gets really low, so try to get as much kip as you can.

Try to take a team approach with your partner. As in all this work/crap is the enemy; not you. I know that is really, really hard but honestly the pile of work you have to get through is the enemy.

If you can, sit down with him and make a list of everything that needs to get done on a daily, weekly. monthly basis from the small stuff like paying bills to the big things like picking out schools or whatever. Then Divide and Conquer. Assign different responsibilities to each other.

Give each other Time Off. You both need some down time. One morning at the w'end he takes kid duty so that you can just lie in bed or read a book or whatever, the following morning you do the same for him.

Be nice to each other. Just start with "how are you love?" take 10 minutes to just talk about nothing at the end of the day before dealing with the "administration of the empire" ... leaky roof, bills etc.

Ask for help and accept it. Friends, relatives. people are usually flattered to be asked and like to have an opportunity to show how much they care.

PeachyClair Mon 26-Feb-07 21:54:15

nobody helped my Gran either- and she was disabled with sixteen and an alkie for a H. Thank goodness time have moved on somewhat

malaleche Mon 26-Feb-07 21:52:57

lulumama, no-one pitched in to help my mum with 4 kids useless husband who left when we were wee and she had her own business but no time to run it, am amazed she didnt go crazy

lionheart Mon 26-Feb-07 21:50:57

I didn't really think it would be, Cathy. Thanks.

malaleche Mon 26-Feb-07 21:49:26

I think the problem is getting DP to read this kind of book actually

Hespera Mon 26-Feb-07 21:49:06

Yes lulumama - and also you were more likely to live near your family I guess. I don't and this is another worry.

CathyONeill Mon 26-Feb-07 21:48:40

Lionheart - no, the books focus is not addressing shortcomings in men. in fact men get a fair shake and a loud shout. Even though we didn't alawys like what they had to say when we heard a lot of them saying the same thing, we included it. We didn't want this book to be a girls bitch session, because that's not really going to help anyone.

WideWebWitch Mon 26-Feb-07 21:48:14

lol capp at love tokens.

lulumama Mon 26-Feb-07 21:47:10

there is less help now from exteneded family, NadineBaggott, women are having babies later, their own parents my still be working, maternity leave is short for many, due to financial constraints..where as a generation or two back, everyone pitched in a lot more

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