Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

(623 Posts)
BEAUTlFUL Mon 24-Nov-08 22:32:30

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually -- weirdly -- feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

snowleopard Mon 24-Nov-08 23:05:14

Have you actually seen the Stepford Wives btw? (The original 60s one I mean) It is actually about this and it's fucking scary.

Sazisi Mon 24-Nov-08 23:05:48

I suppose something like this could possibly work if it was completely reciprocal; but DH certainly wasn't anticipating my needs last night when I got home to a bomb-site, and in my hung-over, delayed-flight state too angry

BEAUTlFUL Mon 24-Nov-08 23:06:12

Dittany, I can't remember! I've had it for a few years, unread. then 3 weeks ago, things were so bad with DH -- not talking, just boring, no feeling of intimacy, etc -- that I got up at 3am and sat down to send him a long letter about everything I was fed-up with. Then I thought, "Oh sod it, I'll look up 'marriage advice' instead" and found the book.

I dug out my copy, started reading (she hooks you in at the very start, describing how lovely & affectionate husbands can be), and decided I'd give it a try.

Resented it for 2 days, but then the atmosphere became SO much nicer rapidly, that I got swept along.

dsrplus8 Mon 24-Nov-08 23:06:54

claws in ladies please. the op just wants to instagate a social experiment, would we be able to do it? would it work for others as it has worked for op? it is a intresting topic ,it would be like steping back in time to when our grannies were our age.i sort of get what the op is suggesting.it isnt realistic for girls who have been brought up with a equal partnership notion as ideal for marriage,but i do wonder did our grannies know something we dont???or was the lower divorce/seperate rates because they put up with shit, as their" wifely duties?"hmmsad

dittany Mon 24-Nov-08 23:07:39

Apparently there's a fascinating womanhood movement in the US.

dittany Mon 24-Nov-08 23:10:18

My granny was miserable and it had a lot to do with having to be subservient to a man who was not her superior for all her married life and being trapped in the marriage because divorce was almost unheard of. The women's movement came into being for a reason you know.

Beautiful, maybe I'm mixing you up with someone else but I was sure you've been promoting this "surrendered wife" stuff before. Is it really only 3 weeks since you had an equal relationship with your dh?

BEAUTlFUL Mon 24-Nov-08 23:12:17

This re-organising the day thing...

I have 2 DS, 1 is 5 yo, 1 is nearly a year.

All I did was feed them earlier and get them in the bath by 5:30pm, so the house was relatively quiet when DH got in. Then he could sit and relax for 30 minutes, before he took DS1 upstairs to read him his story.

How hard was that??!

Plus, I liked it too. I felt like I was on top of things.

TBH, I felt I had more dignity managing the day so it was quiet when DH got home, then letting him come in to a chaotic house, kids everywhere, no meal prepared and me in a babysick-splattered tracksuit, as had happened before.

Drsplus8 the lower divorce rate might have had more to do with the enforced economic dependence of women - no benefits, no good jobs, women not being entitled to own anything (any inherited wealth a woman might have became her husband's property), women not being allowed to open a bank account or get a mortgage without a man's permission in writing...

Sorry but I don't get what would be so 'interesting' about reducing women's status to less than fully human.

beanieb Mon 24-Nov-08 23:14:11

"how to get him to release all his inner resentments in a massive "clear the air" session in order to let back in all his feelings of love, romance, affection"

how does this bit work?

Do you then get to tell him your resentments. If not it seems awfully onesided to me.

dsrplus8 Mon 24-Nov-08 23:14:26

dittany , i think you might be right there, something stinkest of troll

thumbwitch Mon 24-Nov-08 23:14:31

drsplus8 - my gran did all the housework, my granpa sat in front of the tv (literally - his chair was right in front of it so almost no-one else could see it) and smoked his pipe. He did the gardening and the washing up on Sunday (after he retired).

When he died, the poor woman didn't even know how to pay the bills, write a cheque, nothing. She was of an era when a woman needed her husband's permission to have a bank account. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

walkingbus Mon 24-Nov-08 23:14:34

I don't get the bit about "how lovely and affectionate husbands can be"

Like "husbands" are some sort of species, like german shepherd dogs or something

Beautiful, you might find this more fun, there's rather more understanding of the only dynamic under which this kind of relationship can function properly.

CharleeInChains Mon 24-Nov-08 23:16:30

You lost you dignity becuase he came home and the house was a mess and there was no meal prepared? shock and hmm

I bet your one of those women who never fart in front of her DH as well aren't you? grin

Seriously though my dp saw me in labour and has cleaned me up when i puked on myself after getting drunk when i was 16! I think ly dignity may be 10foot under by now.

anyfucker Mon 24-Nov-08 23:17:25

I don't think beautiful is a troll

seriously deranged, yes

troll, no smile

dsrplus8 Mon 24-Nov-08 23:17:53

infact no troll, worse MAN HAS HIJACKED MN, incognito as "beautiful", who serves her man ,and makes for happy life for all,(mans dream if u throw in some bjs ,eeewww)

thumbwitch Mon 24-Nov-08 23:18:14

but it might be a troll thread - a joke? Please? let it be a joke?

BennyAndJoon Mon 24-Nov-08 23:19:16

My husband is lovely and affectionate and horny as hell when he comes home to chaos

and he often tells workmates how he loves the fact that it is a riot when he comes home with children throwing themselves at him as he comes through the door

(mostly because mummy has been saying daddy home any minuite for the last 15)

thumbwitch Mon 24-Nov-08 23:19:39

and Beautiful (or whoever is inhabiting your nicknme at the mo) - getting my DS into bed before his Dad came home would be an epic achievement. And would probably really upset DH as the highlight of his day is seeing DS's little face light up when Dada gets home.

StayFrosty Mon 24-Nov-08 23:21:32

My Nanan was just as vocal about my Grandad's shortcomings as any modern day MNer, I must say, he drove her round the bloody bend each and every single day of their 50 odd year marriage.

CharleeInChains Mon 24-Nov-08 23:23:43

My nan although she loved him in her own wierd way she hated my grandad and he hated her to. Divorce just wan't looked kindly upon in the days or your.

BEAUTlFUL Mon 24-Nov-08 23:25:19

I'm not a troll! I'm just a bit... carried away. you know when you start a new diet or stop smoking and overnight go all righteous and enthused? I feel like that. It'll wear off.

But I don't see why there is SO MUCH opposition to the idea of being lovely to your DH and taking care of your house. Really. Especially if you're a SAHM. It doesn't work if you have a full-time job, I'll admit that. But if you are at home anyway, why not try it?

It's easy (and funny) to announce that you'd never in a billion years pander to your man, but I'm not suggesting we all lobotomise ourselves.

One of my male friends married recently (before i'd read this) and they were showing me round their house. I asked his wife, "So will you be ironing Mark's shirts then?" She huffed and puffed, "Certainly not!" like I'd asked her if she was going to carve his name into her forehead and perform genital mutilation.

It's all a bit extreme. maybe this book is too, but it seems to be hard to find a happy balance.

Anyway, I'm loving it at the moment. Really!

StayFrosty Mon 24-Nov-08 23:26:44

That's right Charlee, much better to swallow your burgeoning resentment every day until you choke on it and stay together until you hate every molecule of each other's body, so celestial dontcha think? grin

LeCynic Mon 24-Nov-08 23:27:46

I can't trust myself to give a polite, rational answer to this pile of shite

VivaLaPotPourri Mon 24-Nov-08 23:28:11

I get you, Beautiful. Ish. I love 'looking after' DH, it does make for a nicer relationship - he works 12 hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week and is very grateful when he can just relax when he comes in. It makes me feel good too. But I have depression so there has been times I have sat in tears while DH ran around like a blue arsed fly. It's all give and take. If DH demanded it, i'd tell him where to shove it, but on the whole I like 'being a housewife'

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