Funniest bit of childbirth(792 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
DS came very very fast at the end - 4cm to birth within an hour. The MWs didn't believe me and weren't even looking when he shot out - DH said he nearly shot off the bed! Then no one saw when the placenta came out. It pretty much fell out, tbh. The MWs had their backs to me discussing office politics (!) so I asked
"what do I do with this?"
"Feed it?" [didn't look round]
"No, I mean this. The placenta"
"What the hell?! When did that come out?!"
I distinctly recall shouting "fucking hypnobirthing bollocks!" Several times. The MWs found this quite amusing, possibly because they knew me and how I planned to train to be a hypnobirthing consultant
When I was in early labour with DS mum came round to help with DD(3). She ran up two flights of stairs to the bedroom when she arrived because she could hear me and DD yelling at each other. I was actually mid contraction andDD was copying me - mooing and counting and bouncing (me on birth ball, she'd found a football). The look on her face!
G&A was fab! I kept offering DH and the MWs a go. It was a homebirth and I had this fixed idea that I had to be a good hostess!
have loved reading this thread. i read it over 5 days going home on the train. laughing like a loon and making a spectacle of myself!
ok so funniest bits for natural birth of DS:
1. waters going at 4am. jump out of bed (which had the expensive mattress protector on it should waters go in bed) run into the hall and have waters explode all over the carpet!
2. puffing around tesco having contractions in the chiller isle
3. sending DH and BP out everytime i had to have an internal. the student midwife who attended half way thru thought i meant i didnt want them back. DH sat out side for 2 hours not knowing what was going on.
4. letting DH back into the room, ordering him to the top end of the bed, on pain of death was he look at the fanjo end!
5. DS arriving and me apparently looking shocked and like i had lost somehting.
6. DH looking at the fanjo end just as placenta is delivered! never seen him look so green!
7. after all day and night in labour. DH goes home for a nap coz hes tired!!!
had only G and A for pain relief, DH asking how im feeling. me keep saying "stoned, so stoned. dont tell the MW"
DS1 - Had just moved to a new area and meeting new MW at new doctors. Was around 38 weeks gone, bent over to put shoes on (9am appointment) and waters break.
Go back upstairs to change trousers/underwear/socks and wake up ExP, telling him I'd either peed myself, or my waters broke and make the 10 minute walk to the doctors.
Told MW that I thought I was in labour, she checked and told me to get to the hospital (possibly boggling over the fact I was calm and not screaming blue murder with the couple of contractions I had while with her). Walk back home and pack up the few bits I was talking to the hospital while phoning DM (who asked ExP "who's coming?" - I blame it on being early).
ExP and DM were birth partners, as I refused to let her out of the room. Most of the time I didn't notice the contractions and made more noise when I felt DS1's NOSE passing through my fanjo than any other time.
DS2 - Can't remember how labour started, but once again phoned DM up to get me to the hospital (neither myself or ExP drive), dropped DS1 at ExMIL's. This time we also remembered to tell DF that DS2 was on his way. DF picked up ExP and cracked a joke about the other women in the birthing center sounded like a CD to make new mothers nervous. DM, me and MW gave him a death glare.
Still wasn't screaming blue murder with contractions, but were coming close together (I honestly kept thinking they were BH, my period pains were worse than contractions!). MW told us that my Iron was low so had to be transferred to another hospital - cue ambulance and blue lights - and even more people staring at me like I'd grown two heads when I calmly told them when a contraction started and ended.
Once again refused to let DM out of the room so she and ExP were birth partners...
tough as old boots me
HUGE Pushing contraction , Bearing down HARD, MW says "The head is crowning I can see the head!" Me Bearing Down Harder with another massive contraction, MW standing to one side near my knee so the trainee MW can see One more HUGE Push and........The amniotic sac explodes all over the MW, trainee mw & the wall behind them, without missing a beat the MW grabs a towel, wipes her face, drops the towel & mops the floor with her feet while catching the babies shoulders as DD#2 is slipping out, trainee is just standing there in shock with amniotic fluid dripping off her chin and running down the front of her scrubs.
I spent a good while in the birthing pool clinging to the gas and air pipe like it was the only thing keeping me alive. When they took it away so I could start pushing I found myself with my face part in the water; every time I breathed out I blew bubbles and probably sounded like I was drowning. Poor MW had to keep checking whether the water level was too high. I was so out of it I was convinced I needed my face in the water because it "helped" me deal with the contractions (which, thanks to the gas and air, had taken on physical properties. One was a big house and another a credit card).
No wonder I can't bloody remember what the contractions actually felt like, that gas and air is incredible stuff.
Oh, and not funny as such, but the relief I felt when I realised the MW really didn't care if she had to deal with bodily fluids. I was knelt against a birthing ball and really couldn't hold my wee the professionalism with which the MW calmly slid a mat beneath me was a real credit to her!
After being told I wasn't in labour and put onto a maternity ward thinking that I needed a really big fart, but not wanting to as the lady in the bed across from me would hear.
Writhing in pain I eventually thought 'fuck it, if I fart now I might ease some of this pressure, which could actually be trapped wind (since I'm told I'm not actually in labour anyway)'
So I try and ease out said fart and as I do, my waters POP and soak me, my pyjamas and the bed. Oh the relief! As I turn around to reach for my buzzer to call the nurse the overwhelming urge to push another 'fart' comes and DD2's head crowns!
Meanwhile, my (now ex) H is waiting for a taxi outside to take him home and realises he's lost his wallet. He comes back inside and the midwives all start congratulating him and telling him what a surprise that was. 'No no' he tells them 'I'm just in to look for my wallet, you must have the wrong person'
I love this thread! I'm due with DC1 in September & I hope I have some funny stories to tell. I'll let you know
My dp telling the midwife he had ' a really bad cold' , as I was pushing my ds out , with no pain relief ( it happened so quickly we got to the birthing centre just in time )
The placenta got stuck, I waited 2 hours for an ambulance and lost a fair bit of blood. As I was being carried out on a stretcher, midwife called out to dp ' get well soon! '
Great thread! Couple of offerings from an 'old bird'. In hospital 6 weeks before DD1 birth (pre-eclampsia ?) Loads of mothers came in, delivered and left - me still there! 2 days before I was due to be induced a woman came in to be induced the next day. The morning before she was taken to delivery suit she got up really early to prepare - at 8 that morning she was taken down looking like a model - perfect hair, newly polished nails, immaculate make-up (late 70's, think thick black eyeliner and really heavy mascara). 10 hours later she arrived back on the ward; her hair looked as if she'd been plugged into an electric socket, nails were broken and chipped and her face had slid into her chest. She was a lovely woman, she just had no idea what to expect - did any of us with our first? I went make-up free the next day
Second pregnancy was twins Same scenario - 7 weeks in hospital! Finally induced early, slow start, read newspaper, did crossword, chatted (only epidural of 3 that worked!). Just before delivery the theatre began to fill up - 2 mw for me, Consultant, registrar and House obstetricians for multiple birth, 2 paediatricians for babies, 2 specialist nurses for babies, 2 anaesthetists - to be fair they were expecting trouble. DH asked to leave (can't remember why) told he could come back in 5 mins. Just then the Head mw asked if the ALL the student nurses could come and observe as they'd never seen a multiple birth - said they could bring their grannys if they wanted (gotta love G&A). Finally I realised someone was missing - 'where's DH?' - panic - dragged through the door by mw - yep DH had been waiting outside over 20 mins and just made it in time!
When we counted up afterwards we reckoned there was somewhere between 20-25 people in delivery (they don't call it a theatre for nothing) - thank God they weren't looking at my face!
Having an epidural and realising to my horror that I could no longer hold in any wind. Sat chatting to DH and midwives throughout the night with random loud farts peppering the conversation - to their credit, they all pretended that they had no idea why I kept saying 'sorry, oh god sorry... oh I'm so sorry again...'
Taking my first whiff of entonox as they broke my waters and yelling 'This is really cooooooooooool!'
Sorry if I've commited a faux pas concerning a classic thread, but I've got to tell this 35+ yrs later. So here's the story....just delivered a girl. Had episiotomy. Needed stitches. Also delivered by epidural. So Dr sits down between my legs to stitch. Meanwhile I have a reaction to epidural. Legs in stirrups start shaking uncontrollably. Young Dr says " are you shaking because I'm between your legs"? I kid you not. WTF.
I had two moments that DH still ribs me about.
First one, when DD started to move down and I felt her head moving... I announced in a very panicked way that I was "shitting a tennis ball"... Took the midwife a fair while to convince me otherwise!
Just at transition, same midwife offered DH a drink and he gladly accepted a coffee. Oddly enough, this narked me intensely and I proceeded to ask why he got rewarded for not doing anything other than sitting there! I got a glass of water and promptly proceeded to do what I'd done throughout pregnancy and labour... Puked it everywhere...
This thread has turned me into Mutley the dog!!
DS - labour started Friday morning and eventually had him Monday morning. Turns out (discovered during DD's birth 4 years later) that I have wonky pelvic area and he was stuck. Was totally off my face on G&A and they decided to break my waters. Was led down giggling hysterically after they had done it cos I thought I was in a coffin and said I'm gonna drown if it doesn't stop coming out!! Many hours later and still puffing Away despite DH's attempts to get it away from me I say bolt upright (like the undertaker from WWE), pointed at DH and shouted I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!!!
During DD's birth she got stuck with her chin pushing against my bum so all contractions were there! After eventually being told I could have a epidural a really grumpy anethitist banged on about how it would take so long to set up, Administer and take effect when an enormous contraction occurred where I screamed by bum is breaking!! He moved very quick to Administer it and even told me to push the button for an extra bit every 15 mins. Throughout all of this my DM was sat watching and afterwards told me by bum was expanding like a baboons every contraction!! Why she never got up and moved I will never know!!
I dont remember this myself as I was sky high on gas and air but my DH takes great pleasure.. quite often in fact.. in telling me that I farted in the face of my midwife as she was inspecting my fanjo.. he said it stank like hell and she made her excuses and left the room.. quite possibly to die.. haha! he always brings it up when I tell him he stinks!
High on entonox during labour with my first DC I convinced myself there was a TV in the corner of the room that was showing Loose Women (there definitely wasn't). I told DH: I've just had a dream about Loose Women and now I've got a Nolan Sisters song in my head! DH: Have you? Which one? Me: I'm In The Mood For Dancing, it's pissing me off because I'm really not!
Cannula came out at the same time as my waters broke leaving a bloody mess all over the bathroom of the induction room. Almost reached level of haemorrhaging so delivery room, bathroom, induction room and bathroom were covered in blood everywhere like a crime scene. Midwife who delivered said I would be remembered as 'the bloody lady'.
Not funny at the time but the sheer look of panic on the midwifes face when she realised that when I said my breech baby was coming, she really was bloody coming! Had told me I was definitely not in labour for the previous 6 hours and then realised I very much was.
Then arguing with the anethiatist over how easy it is to sit still mid contraction with no pain relief whilst he stuck a huge needle in my back
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I realised I needed to lay off the gas and air when I was being stitched up and started giggling because it tickled.
I don't remember laughing once. But I do remember the midwives laughing right at the end of a four day labour when I was pushing and pushing. I asked them what they were laughing about and they said "don't worry, you can have surgery".
They were taking about my piles...four days of labour wasn't fun.
They actually laughed. Never forgotten it and it was right after I had been told his breathing was up the swanny so I needed to get him out NOW.
Talk about the most inappropriate laugh ever. Chelsea & Westminster Hospital if anyone wants to avoid..
Five weeks ago. Had waters broken in theatre then shipped to labour ward and put on drip to get labour started. After a few hours I was on gas and air solidly and pretty woozy. We had the radio on in the room, Magic FM was the station and I zoned in on the DJ presenting the news.
DH: you ok?
Me: magic news! It's like fairy land!
DH and Midwife: what?
I eventually told them that the DJ had announced "we're now going over to the magic news room for the headlines" which to my addled mind sounded like noddy would be next on the radio.
I live in a country where everyone is a footie fanatic (not UK) and when I was in labor this other woman was in a bed next to me (public health, don't ask), when the Dr tried to make conversation to make us feel more relaxed (?) he asked where we were from. We told him and turns out there are football teams from both our cities, so he started saying, "oh whoever has the baby first means their team wins!". Every time he came back to check on us he would say, "oh such and such team is winning, a couple more centimeters!".
Another gas and air victim.....I asked my midwife who was male if he had any kids. He said no then started rabbiting on about his dogs saying they were just like children. I said 'well you didn't have to shoot them out of your ass did you?' My DH was mortified!
As the anaethestist came into the room to do pre c-section checks, a contraction began and I inadvertently rolled onto the tens handset setting it to full power, cue screaming from me and an incredibly concerned doctor until I managed to shout 'I'm sat on the tens machine' to my DH and he yanked it off the wires.
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