Funniest bit of childbirth(767 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
my eldest child had just been born by caesarian, so was fairly blue... my (now) ex said "errrr is he supposed to be that colour? He looks like a smurf!"
Was so out of it with pain during my induced labour that I removed my pessary, jumped on it then innocently told the disbelieving midwife it had fallen out. Not so funny at the time, but makes me giggle a bit now, It had previously come out when they'd put me in a bath (assume it went with my plug?) but they'd put it back in at my insistence
DH finds it hilarious that after I'd pushed the head out the MW said "well done, you've pushed out the head" and I said "Fuck, that was just the head?!"
Once DD was born DH phoned his parents, gave them all the details and measurements etc, his mother screamed "what is it?!" down the phone after he'd been whittering on a her for a good 10 minutes!
DH had to stop rubbing my back at one point because the completely insane position I'd got myself in on the bed meant it was hurting his knees, he got himself a fairly blue response to his complaint about his knees, and there is paracetamol packed in the bag especially for him this time round!
Back ache at home, couldn't sleep. Got up and had a shower. DH came into the bathroom as I got out to see why I was up. Waters broke all over his feet and the floor.
We went up to the hospital a couple of hours later and I was 6 cm. Lots of walking around and then I decided I would have an epidural but it was too late.
Pushing and DH says 'D'you want half a ham sandwich love?'
Me ' No I am vegetarian .'.
we have only been married 5 years
Bit later, DH ' Lu you're squeezing my hand really hard and it hurts'.
Me ' Oh fuck off. And I'm fucking telling you now if my fanjo falls out I am holding you entirely fucking responsible. And we are never ever having sex again. Have you got that?'
I can only blame the gas and air for this. behaviour
Bit later, me ' I'm pooing myself.
Midwife 'No you aren't'
Me -- in a stage whisper-- 'I am, DH have a look at my bum. Is she lying? She's a liar, a poo liar isn't she' and apparently I giggled.
Ooh great thread!
My contribution was the midwife'd horrified face when my dog tried to eat my newly delivered placenta. Still makes me chuckle
Ahh I loved my DDs birth! I was hooked to the drip and really needed a poo! The midwife got me a commode and I barked at everyone to get out so I could poo in peace... Well I was contracting every bloody minute so it was a massive struggle just sitting on the thing. All the while my DP & DM kept popping their heads in sayin "you done yet?! need any help" JUST FUCKKK OFF AND LET ME SHIT IN PEACE!!!!!
Saucy, the doctor who confidently told me the gas would not make me throw up lived to regret that particular comment.
I was saying i felt sick, the midwife assured me i wasn't going to be sick so to calm down.... Yep all over her.
Then when i was given my son covered in blood and poo "i'm not licking him clean" i read an awful lot of James Herriot during pregnancy.
I DO NOT talk like that in everyday life btw
Off my cake on gas and air and it made my voice go really weird. It made my DH laugh and I said whilst midwife was present 'Stop laughing at me just cos I sound like I am sucking cock'!!!! Obviously so embarrassed later on. I'm sure the midwife had heard worse. Mind you, I also thought there were kids outside the room playing clap hands!!!
Not that I recall a lot of birth1 as I was quite high on everything that had been thrown at me (it was a very long labour), but my DH loves to tell everyone how I was whispering to him that I was mortified that I was sure I was going to poop in front of the clinician lead team. Apparently they found it quite funny too as I wasn't so quiet. I practically had a whole room reassuring me that I wasn't pooping, that giving birth did feel like you were pooping. Fun times!
Being left alone in the delivery room for a few minutes after the birth, with a cup of tea. Swigged it down gratefully then realised I was going to be sick. Couldn't find anything to spew into so sicked up into the cup
So excited that I've finally got a story to add here!
DD was ELCS for breech, the day before, during the pre-op, I gathered courage to ask the (rather cute) anaesthatist whether I should ahem tidy up downstairs, or if they'd do it for me. He went bright pink, and told me that unless it was "70's style down there" that I shouldn't worry.
Next day, wonderful CS, lots of smiles, baby on chest, very emotional. The same lovely anaesthetist leans over to tell me he's put the painkilling pessary in, "oh and by the way? The question you asked me yesterday? You didn't need to worry, it's ever so neat!"
I told my DH that I could smell steak bakes and new pencil cases. I went into detail about the kind of pencil case I meant- those cheapo plasticy poundland ones that come with a pencil, sharpener, ruler... I then told him about all the pencil cases I'd ever owned in chronological order.
Know I think about it, the plastic smell was probably the gas and air mouthpiece, but the steak pies...?
Oh, when I went for a shower afterwards, I spent ages wiping down the bath and floor with wet loo roll as I was too embarrassed to leave the bathroom covered in blood. (Forgetting the state of the bed and floor in the delivery room!)
My friend coming in to see me and DD at hospital and promptly bursting into tears. I still tease her about that 7 years later.
The green and orange puke because of gas and air, that was weird yet so fascinating.
Not my own, but...
A (nice) male colleague told me that he was holding his labouring wife's hand with one hand, distractedly massaging her cramping calf with the other. Wife went "when are you going to do something about my leg!?". He then realised he was actually massaging the breast of the rabbit in headlights student midwife.
Apparently student midwife didn't like to embarrass him.
Another two from #3.
Baby had somehow got herself onto a nerve, so my right leg was in utter agony: could hardly move. Anyway, I needed the toilet so was in there trying to go (a #2 which was ironic considering how constipated I'd been during pregnancy...), but I couldn't sit down properly due to the nerve pain, and was contracting every two minutes. So basically in the 45secs between contractions I had to grit my teeth, sit down properly (which was so much more painful than it sounds: I had never realised how dreadful nerve pain really was...) and try to go. Then the next contraction hit and I couldn't do anything until it had passed.
And about half-way through DH woke up, walked to the toilet door and on hearing I was 'doing a poo', starting bricking himself that it was actually the baby and I was about to give birth into the toilet (I wish - still had 8hrs of fun left...). Only just managed to stop him ringing for the midwife.
Also - #3 was born Christmas Day. Midwife had never delivered a baby on Christmas Day so physically pushed the consultant out of the way in order to catch DD2
Utterly awful at the time but quite funny in retrospect.
First - my waters being broken by the
hitler midwife who told me I didn't know what real pain was despite having been awake for 50 hours at that point with a back to back baby! They went so forcefully they sprayed up her face
Second - having a shot of pethidine, closing my eyes for 5 mins when in RL it was an hour and a half later and telling my OH off for daring to go to the loo despite him apparently asking me if it was ok and me telling him it was fine!
Third - it was fairly quick (3 hours) no time for pain relief, I begged, the mw said no and then as soon as DD was out, mw lifted her up and she peed all over her shoes!
Fourth - husband wearing the sick bowl as a hat...having a puff of gas and air only to fall over giggling like a school girl...and everyone falling silent to wait for me to scream "fuck off!" at the Peak of every contraction then resume the conversation when I stopped as if nothing had happened!
What a great thread! Here's my contribution. After 26h of labour at home and in the birthing centre and having "failed to progress", I was transferred to the labour ward, whereupon I started shouting statistics I had downloaded and memorised for that very hospital about medical interventions. I said, "I'm not waiting for you to cut me, shove forceps up me and then resort to an emergency c section. I want to cut straight to the c section now and get this over with".
(Male) registrar: "you've only been in labour 6 hours"
Me: I'm not listening to a man about labour. I've been in labour since Wednesday evening and it's now Friday.
Him: I'd like to try an induction drug for four hours and see if we can get going.
Me: you've got two.
Two hours later when I'd complained enough he wearily brought in a female colleague who took pity on me and agreed he should do the c section. Even then I had the gall to say, "right, it's 2.30am. Are you feeling up to this? Not too tired?" Er, yes, Jaffa, it's my job. DH was just v quiet hoping the embarrassment would be over v soon. DS was born 20 mins later in a really chilled c section.
Now 5w pg with dc2 and will be planning a home birth.
I love this thread I've read it all over the last two days, my funny bits are;
With DD, I just finished a contraction and mw left the room, DH said can I try the g&a so I gave it to him just as another contraction started, I tried to take it back but just smacked him in the face with the mouthpiece giving him a nice fat lip.
With DS, we arrived at hospital and DH said should I get a wheelchair, I said no thanks, I'd like to walk before I lose all my dignity. Suddenly I'm on the floor crawling around in the foyer saying, I don't give a f* who see's me I'm having a contraction!
10 minutes later DH was helping me get changed and on to the bed while mw leisurely asks questions and fills in forms, asks if I want gas and air which I did so she goes off for ages to get it, I'm sucking on the mouthpiece saying it's not working like it did last time and she said that is because you are close to having your baby, let's do an internal, she looks panicked says you're 10 cm and the trolley isn't ready, runs out the door shouting for help while I'm asking DH should I push? (like he'd know) thankfully not much happened because I needed an episiotomy but I was there less than an hour before he was born and I was all stitched up
End of a very long induction for #3.
Doctor had decided to take a sample from baby's head to check oxygen levels. I was 6cm at this point. They put my feet up in stirrups and she went in with all her bits of metal and was rummaging around. Suddenly I have to push (so 6-10cm in a matter of minutes), and I start screaming at her to 'get out of me, because the baby is coming now'. She told me to hang on a minute, at which I screamed again that she was in the way of the baby, I was DONE being in labour, and that I was going to push whether she wanted me to or not. She then obligingly got out of my vagina and let the baby be born
I had a really long labour with DD and probably a poor choice of birthing partner in my mother. She managed to drop a cannister of gas and air on my foot mid contraction which I only clocked afterwards when I found a mysteriously swollen, blue foot post labour and she confessed.
I had opted for a home birth and had a pool ready. The only thing was we'd never actually filled it with hot water and our tank didn't have anything like enough water to do the job. Cue birthing partner and mum running across the road to get the neighbours to put their kettles on to fill the pool and lots of sniggers from the MW.
The first time it happened wasn't so funny, the second time was amusing - now, with hindsight it makes me giggle!
Dd 1; after a couple of hours "I can't take it, I have to come in" "no dear (complete with implied pat on the head) take some paracetamol and we'll see you tomorrow" 1 hr later we were there "I really need pain relief" "look we'll bring you in and take a look but we're busy so you'll have to wait" 30 minutes later "dp buzz them, I need to push" mw arrives, sighs, rolls eyes, tutts. Lifts sheet, turns puce, yells "press the red button" and catches dd (and most of the waters )
Dd2; ^^ exactly the same only much quicker, right down to the "press the red button" screech!
You'd think they'd give me some credit seeing as it was my second and my notes said PRECIPITATE all over them in red! The look on their face still tickles me now, many years later. In fact I meet the assisting mw a few years ago (I work there niw). She actually remembered me, apparently mw1 was known as a bit of a dragon and it had pleased everyone when she emerged dripping and somewhat embarrassed!
The midwives had quite a chortle at the point when I was bellowing at the top of my voice: "THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE FUCKING HYPNOBIRTHING VIDEOS" (I, however, was not finding things quite so amusing....)
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