Funniest bit of childbirth(776 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
whilst kneeling on the bed holding onto the foot end with wite knuckles from the intensity of grip being in agony despite epidural and gas & air the useless midwife telling my dp to tell me to move to the head end in case I fell off........ quote "I don't see how she can fall off and I'm not telling her anything"
High on gas and air, I talked avidly about football....I know nothing about football
Erm - can't think of any. Oh except I now PMSL at the thought of taking in honey sandwiches and puzzle books in case I got hungry or bored...
When with my sister in her second labour, she pooed herself, I hooted at her, but managed to stop in it (she was lurching over the bed at the time).
She laughed at me for my pooey shoes. But my revenge was sweet, I had borrowed her shoes in the rush to the hospital.
LOL at all of these.
With DS, my mum phoned the delivery suite just as I was being wheeled out (after strict instructions earlier in the day to wait for DH to call her). DH said to her 'it's a baby' in the manner of Del Boy and did not reveal the sex straight away.
With DD, did not have any gas and air or other drugs, but mw's thought it was hilarious when, just before the birth, in between contractions, I turned to DH and urgently enquired if he was OK.
Most definitely those gas and air moments. High on entonox and bouncing on the birthing ball pretending to be the Lone Ranger 'Hi Ho Silver, Away!!'
During the running sitcom that was DS's arrival (see previous post) My MW said I could have managed a sucessful home birth
Me 'don't think so I really need this G&A'
MW 'Oh we can bring a portable supply'
Me (out of my tree due to the whole can of G&A I've taken) collapses into hysterical laughter thinking/explaining of a BOC tanker parked outside pumping it through a tumble dryer vent tube via the window.
It was such fun it's a shame I don't ever intend to do it again
<warning. Cheesy joke alert>
I don't think my dp found anything funny during childbirth, but afterwards she was in stitches.
When I was in labour with DD2 there was a point towards the end (I think I was in transition) when I was really sort of zoned out and every time I had a contraction my eyes would roll back in my head. DH was holding my hand and whispered softly to me...."you look just Frodo when you do that". It was being videod and all you can hear at that point is my two doulas absolutely pissing themselves laughing.
These are hysterical
sockmonkey you brought back a vivid memory (30 yearsago now)(I was a child bride by the way)
of a tiny little woman coming to break my waters in yellow wellies and a plastic coat and I kid you not a sow'ester. Apparently she frequently got absolutely soaked and was taking no chances this time.
I had to present myself at the maternity unit as I was ten days late and they wanted to induce me with DD1, I can remember standing at the bus stop(no car) and saying to DH I've changed my mind, lets get a kitten instead.
This is making me laugh!
I remember thinking it was hilarious the the Doctor came in with white wellies on.... but he did need them! DH said he had never seen so much blood & gore. (Still think white is an odd colour for a wellie though)
These are really cheering me up.
With DD1 I was stood up leaning on the bed with my back to the mws and in betwwen pushes apologised for not even knowing what they looked like! I guess they thought the same but knew my bum well! I am caught on video immediatley after the birth saying 'I can't believe that was so easy'.
Second time around I tried for a homebirth at at mw shift change there were 4 mws in the kitchen drinking tea and reading palms whilst I bounced on ball with a bare bum!!!!
After transferring to hospital I realised I'd grabbed a posh black top with beads on it and then 'cos I had a drip I couldn't take it off and so did skin to skin with it bunched up at my neck which seemed very weird.
Oh yes also remember the journey to hospital when DP kindly took the scenic route with the mws in convoy, we parked at the unit door and I got out and screamed my way through a contraction next to a poor man phoning his relatives.
Not so funny was when my second G and A canister was empty and I had to wait 40 mins for a MW to go and get one from the hospital.
Sorry, got carried away there reliving my births, which I must add were fab, but I'm not doing it again.
lol lol lol
this brightened my saturday morning - and given this is my first - relieved teh sheer panic and dread!
No particularly funny bits, other than being distinctly aware I could hear a cow moo-ing. And realising it was me.
During C/s trying to gag/cough, finishing and saying 'you can start now' as they held ds up
me , contractions every 4 minutes, best friend, DH and me...all in my bedroom...me leaning over air conditioning unit, huffing and puffing through another contraction, BF helpfully massaging small of my back...DH saying ..'that looks like a good position! must remember that one for after the baby!!" me, without turning my head, saying in a demonic voice,'one more comment like that, i'll rip your f**ng head off' and recommencing huffing ....
i thought it was funny ! not sure about DH ! BF still reminds of it now and we chortle about it !
also DH , quietly eating an entire packet of custard creams , whilst i was in labour, as he was stood slightly behind the bed....and texting my friends 10 minutes before DD was born, saying 'nearly here', one friend was terribly impressed i had been able to do that ! i did tell her eventually it was DH !!!
see, knew i;d think of something!
oh yes !! and asking the registrar to let me stay in hospital 87 times, while she was giving me the pethidine....she was very sweet, and kept saying, 'of course you can stay' ..87 times.....bless her...i had gone a bit loopy with the pain at that point ( no pain relief and OP baby turning !! )
i was in labour for 2.5 days before actually going into active labour so thought i would do some shopping and lunching with my mum - had many a contraction in Starbucks <<ooh i'll have a chai tea latte and OHMYGOD there is another f'ing contraction - can i have that skinny with wings please >>
Other "funny" bits were being stitched up and i was sucking on the gas and air so hard i was delirious hearing DH saying "i can't get his nappy on - help" and a MW saying in answer to my question how long was this going to be "did i want my sex life ruined forever?" - err at that moment YES i did!
While being stitched up and very high on gas & air, threatening the consultant - "You'd better make a good of job of it else I'm coming to get you!" My DH was mortified as I'm so shy usually!
She then went over the other side of the room and muttered something to my DH. I shouted across the room - "I might be spinning on the ceiling but I can still hear you you know!"
playing flight of the bumble bee on the water on the pool(it was friday night is music night radio 2)
saying i,m glad i am not an elephant.
Mw saying they would have to give me rectal paracetmol did i mind. me answered well you have been in every other orifice i have might as well go the whole hog
with ds2 mw saying look we know you think you are going to poo and you will but you cant stop the baby form coming cos you are scared you will embarress yourself.
Me(lolling around on bed)'it hurts'
MW Where does it hurt goodasgold?
Me (sitting straight up, slightly worried)'in my fanfare'
With dd2 at home
Dh 'sorry I just need a minute'
Me MV looking at him with great concern???
Dh 'my nose was itchy...I thought I was going to sneeze.'
Telling the midwife to "Shut the fuck up and don't you dare speak to me like that again!"
She had snpped at me to keep the noise down mid contraction!
The funniest thing is, she did shut up, then someone else came in who was whole lot nicer than her.
When I was on G&A for the stitches (it lasted an hour!) I asked if anyone ever asked for their fanjo's to have an extra stitch in to be a bit tighter!! They didnt answer.
Also, the horrible doctor ran in stuck the knitting needle up me and told me to move around, then left. I was spurting water everywhere, trying to mop it up as I went along (WHY???).The lunch lady brought my sundat lunch into the delivery room (not supposed to) and I walked over and ate every single bit I could pick up with my fingers (no fork or anything) it was the best food I have ever eaten but was terrified the MWs were going to tell me off!
Watching Alien resurection (sp?) and thinking I was going to have to go through that!
Oh and making my DP leave the room whenever I needed a wee and the MW saying he was going to see much worse than that!!
Sorry I cant wee in front of anyone,ever!
these are brilliant, laughing so much
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