What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

(549 Posts)

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house? hmm

these, but even pointier

spongebob5 Sat 27-Sep-14 15:38:44

My MIL told me how DP had asked as a small child 'Why are there so many poor people around here?' They were poor because they were catching the bus!

19lottie82 Tue 16-Sep-14 13:04:07

it's ok to park in the parent and child spaces at Waitrose, because people with children can't afford to shop there anyway

cherrybombxo Mon 15-Sep-14 16:40:37

Well, I thought she sounded like a knob. Maybe it was the over-the-top "golly gosh!" accent that accompanied it, whatever. I'd never had an almond croissant when I was 12, maybe I'm just scummy.

ChasedByBees Sun 14-Sep-14 15:33:59

Ooh, I have one from today.

Yesterday I spent £450 in an outlet version of an upmarket but still high street chain of shops. I had been told that if there were any problems I could take anything back within 14 days.

I realised the shoes, though lovely, were going to cause me agony so I brought them back today.

I was told I couldn't have a refund because they were seconds.

I pointed out that it didn't say that anywhere in the shop and I had been told I could take them back. They said I could have a refund just this once.

I said thank you and that it didn't say anywhere that they were seconds - perhaps they needed better signage. The shop assistant looked at me with witheringly and said, "well they were only £50" implying it was obvious that they could only possibly be seconds at that price.

It was so ridiculous I couldn't help but smirk.

TurnOverTheTv Fri 12-Sep-14 22:36:22

An almond croissant is pretentious? Really?

Feartheescalator Fri 12-Sep-14 22:31:25

I was shopping at Tesco with DD1 when she was 3 or 4 and she asked for Sharon Fruit. In told her they didn't have any and she very loudly said 'well, that not good enough. They always have Sharon Fruit at Waitrose!!' A woman passing by gave us the dirtiest of looks

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Fri 12-Sep-14 17:45:14

Mea culpa also.
Ds was a total pfb (before twins when I had time) and I took his lunch in to nursery. Teacher looked at it through lid. "Oh don't worry, mozzarella on ciabatta with black olives are his absolute favourite. If he doesn't feel like it though,there is some pitta and houmous"
Dick.

Hoppinggreen Fri 12-Sep-14 17:29:16

I'm embarrassed to say that the worst one I ever heard came out of my own mouth!!!
I had made a certain buffet dish for a party and DH asked that I do it again for Christmas morning breakfast as a treat.
I went to the supermarket and realised at the checkout that I had forgotten the key ingredients - I asked if someone could pop back for me. The lady said of course what do you need?
" quails eggs and caviar please" - Arse!!!
The rest of my shopping was really normal honest.

OhGood Thu 11-Sep-14 12:50:42

Why, though? It's just a croissant. She's 12. It's not like she's eating roasted peacock in gold leaf. Genuinely confused

cherrybombxo Tue 09-Sep-14 16:43:01

I was on the train from London to Edinburgh a few years ago and a very well-to-do man was sitting with his young (12-ish?) daughter across the aisle from me. They started sharing out the snacks that they had brought for the journey and the girl said, "there's nothing quite like a good almond croissant!"

I rolled my eyes so hard I'm surprised they didn't pop out of my head. Shut the fuck up.

Miggsie Tue 09-Sep-14 12:54:00

At a National Trust property...couple admiring the chandelier and ornamental ceiling are spoken to by the innocent, well meaning, silver bearded old lady volunteer: "it is a lovely room isn't it?".
"Yes," comes the reply "we were just saying how much it is like our DD's school, only their chandelier is bigger."

Miggsie Tue 09-Sep-14 12:33:24

"Anyone worth knowing has a private tennis court"
Said by teenage daughter of a friend.

So, I am not worth knowing and neither is 99.9% of the population then.

ApocalypseNowt Tue 09-Sep-14 12:30:20

Benedictinemonk I've been to Margate.....she has a point grin i'm including myself in the common people btw

ApocalypseNowt Tue 09-Sep-14 12:28:55

DH to DD at a dad's playgroup: "Ooh look there's some nice bread over there"

Other dad: "That's not bread, it's Foe-catch-eea"

Ahahahahahahahahaha. Still bread innit? grin

BogStandardOldWoman Tue 09-Sep-14 12:17:01

I once passed comment on a wine by saying 'it's so evocative of the grape!'. What a twat. I'm still teased about it now, years later - and rightly.

Benedictinemonk Tue 02-Sep-14 17:16:15

My DW tells a story of how, when she was a 7 year old child, her mother suggested a coach trip to Margate for the day. 7 year old DW responded "Oh no, that's where the common people go".

Roobix04 Sat 23-Aug-14 23:16:22

Me and my dp started buying bottled water about a year before I got pregnant mainly cos it tasted better. Anyway come new years eve I'm six months pregnant and the only sober one at my dad's and I asked dp for some water. He quickly returned and I took a sip and asked in a confused tone "Is this tap water?" Everyone else fell about laughing and immatating me in a very forced angry posh accent! I was just confused! They still take the piss now!

peachybums Mon 31-Mar-14 16:39:46

'You have to learn that myself and people like me are far more superior than people like you' said BIL to my confused 11 year old DS hmm

EurotrashGirl Sun 30-Mar-14 22:33:44

amateurcynic is your friend student at the University of East Anglia?

EurotrashGirl Sun 30-Mar-14 10:09:57

Once when I was a child I asked for a chip sandwich. My mother said "No Euro, that would be too Appalachian" .
When I was 5, I told my mother she could only buy dolphin safe tuna.
The one about dating someone without a degree could easily have been said my me. Growing up, I don't think I knew any adults who didn't have degrees. I don't think the one about name changing and publishing is pretentious at all.

Odaat Sat 15-Mar-14 21:19:53

The girl in question (ie the thorough bred, ha!) was from Edinburough but everyone thought she was American due to the public school she went to- all of them spoke in the same posh, generic American accent. Weird.

Odaat Sat 15-Mar-14 21:18:12

Worst of the worst : "She is a from good stock, a good breed"
Overheard at my Uni, a fellow student talking to another student about a girl we lived with. A good breed!? What is she, a fucking horse!?
Vomit...

SuddenlySqueamish Fri 14-Mar-14 13:02:02

"We could just land the helicopter in the garden"

Seriously. I just bought a very small pond for my very small garden and worried about it being crowded.
Heard in Falmouth, Cornwall last summer when DP and I were walking behind a very posh looking middle-aged man and an older man.

There is a chap who DH knew at school - they were actually good friends even in the first year of uni then they kind of drifted apart. In the 14 years I've been with DH I've met him 3 times, and he is the most money orientated tosser I think I've ever met.

Some gems:
- have you been to the States recently? (He "pops across the pond" every couple of months)
- oh, the tax man is a thieving bastard. I'm in the 40% tax band, are you?
- I have absolutely no DIY skills whatsoever. I can't even put a curtain rail up. But then of course I do pay through the nose to have these things done for me

He had dropped out of uni in Scarborough (!), worked in Pizza Hut when coming back to London, then mysteriously got a well paid job brought daddy's connections. The last time we saw him we had bought and were gutting/renovating our 3 bedroom house ourselves, whilst he was living in a 1 bedroom flat a few miles away. So he turns up, poor girlfriend in tow, to see the house. Cue us answering the door covered in plaster dust, paint stripper and builders caulk. He turns up in his porche (both our separate reactions - bloody hell where did you nick that from grin ) dressed in designer jeans and a pale Armani blazer. Not quite sure what he was expecting - he was visiting a building site! shock

woodmouse2 Wed 05-Mar-14 23:59:53

Overheard in small market town library in stockbroker belt, very posh and well upholstered lady to husband 'O Jeremy. I've got pudding in my fingernails!'

Perhaps the opposite of what the OP asked for but it made us laugh.

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