50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

(473 Posts)
TiggyD Fri 29-Jun-12 21:05:56

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 00:15:36

It was Friday night and Beverly knew what that meant.

Bent over the sofa she couldn't help but notice the way the pampas grass in the front garden swayed in time to Bernards thrusting.

Kowalski Sat 30-Jun-12 00:15:55

But this was soon forgotten when beverley saw the horse peering over next door's fence...

usualsuspect Sat 30-Jun-12 00:18:46

Her converse lay abandoned,flung off with her boden dress

localcrackpot Sat 30-Jun-12 00:21:20

"I will give you a clothing budget. You will need suitable attire to accompany in public. I am trusting you with this. I will be very. disappointed. indeed if you come back with a waterfall cardigan and Capri pants."

MrJudgeyPants Sat 30-Jun-12 00:24:21

"How did the Pombear get up there?" asked Bernard to no one in particular whilst spanking the goat like a bongo player with Parkinson’s.

"He definitely has issues" thought Beverly... "But he's so handsome."

He led her out to his purpose built sex shed. The mumsnetter next door peered through her net curtains, again wondering what was in that bloody shed that required it be hidden behind such a huge fence...

usualsuspect Sat 30-Jun-12 00:26:07

Bernard looked her in the eyes and whispered ,shall we go up the oxo tower

Kowalski Sat 30-Jun-12 00:38:02

"Ok" said Beverley, "as long as we can bring the goat"

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 00:42:11

"Then maybe Center Parks" she whispered in a sexy croak.

Bernard scowled.

Beverlys sex pinged.

Kowalski Sat 30-Jun-12 01:01:24

"But do they allow goats in Center Parcs?" wondered Beverley aloud. Bernard rolled his eyes. "For the love of God woman, leave the sodding goat behind!" he exclaimed.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 01:10:59

Beverly loved it when Bernard was masterful.

Beverlys sex winked.

Napdamnyou Sat 30-Jun-12 01:43:49

'I.must.have.you.' growled Bernard, his trousers tenting like the Oxo tower as he bent her over the hostess trolley, grabbing a handful of twigs from the stone marble vase. He thrashed them against her quivering cheeks as her sex sobbed with satisfaction, wetly. Taking an ornamental pebble from the granite fireplace, he thrust it between her lips. Her fingers splayed against the mantelpiece, and her knees buckled as she came apart like a hot wash cycle.

Beverly lay sated on the floor.Bernard pulled her to the floor his trousers sloping down to reveal his silky crab ladder.

"Beverly" he murmer throatily, as he stood like a T-Rex "Beverly, I want you to punch me"

"twat" said Beverly and floored him with a bag of frozen mixed peppers. As Beverly went to see if the White Stuff sale had started, Bernard writhed in ecstasy amongst the, mostly green, frozen peppers.

Beverly bought some naice ham. Watching the meat hang limply from her fingers in that way, she bit her lips and was thrust into the throes of orgasm. Again.

GetDressed Sat 30-Jun-12 07:24:31

Holy shit my fifty shades is hot. They were back in the shed. Bernard pinged Bev's bra off. She carefully pulled down his slacks and he sprung out to greet her sex. He tweaked her nipples and told her to shout "naice ham". At that moment of their simultaneous peaking, the fireworks went off down the road. Shweet though Bernard, my bag of weed has made it to my dealer. He pulled up his slacks and left Bev and her inner goddess lying on a blow up mattress.

5inthebedPPA Sat 30-Jun-12 07:27:11

Later that day Bernard asked her if she had ever experienced the MN haircut to which she replied "no", biting her lip, so dragged her into the bathrom. Eyeing up the toilet brush he started getting all sorts of ideas.

bumbez Sat 30-Jun-12 07:37:57

Her hair was bad, very naughty, it needed sorting out and pronto. "Tame your locks with a Brazilian blow dry and then use only shampoo that has no salt "he growled.

bumbez Sat 30-Jun-12 07:41:25

Her inner goddes was cross she liked her hair and was beginning to wish he would fuck off to the far side of fuck , but his beautiful bony pelvis distracted her so she yielded let again to his throbbing length.

helips Sat 30-Jun-12 07:42:54

He tied her hair back with an old scrunchy he happened to have, 'oh my' though Beverly biting her lip. 'are you hungry?' Bernard asked with a wicked glint in his eye. 'actually, I'm still full from the naice ham and pom pom bears we had earlier' replied Beverly...

NonnoMum Sat 30-Jun-12 07:43:02

Bev visited Bernard at Bernard's Big Business emporium, downtown, complete with marble and blonde receptionists.
"Is everyone who works for him blonde?" mused Bev.
Then she saw an African-American come out of the lift.
"Thank goodness for tokenism in mummy-porn," muttered Bev to herself.

helips Sat 30-Jun-12 07:46:46

She walked into his office, tripping over her mumsnet boots...

Psammead Sat 30-Jun-12 07:52:18

50 Shades Of Mumsnet - The musical - After The Passion Subsided

Let's do it

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 07:55:47

Beverley couldn't help but wonder why all seventy of Bernard's blonde receptionists had their hair in plaits and spent their whole day kneeling on the powerful marble floor , looking down demurely with their hands clasped. She really should ask one of them, she supposed. Her musings abruptly ended when she tripped over her own Crocs and landed face down in a powerful potted plant.

Bev wandered into his office and spied his laptop on his desk. She quickly went over to it and the screen jumped to life. Biting her lip, she quickly dismissed any thoughts that this might not be a good idea, afterall she had his best interests at heart. Her fingers flew across the keyboard as she typed in the web address for Boden. She was certain that cable knit cardy would just bring their lovelife back to the heated simering passion which it once was. Whilst she was there also downloqded all financial records afterall a girl has to protect herself!

KatoPotato Sat 30-Jun-12 08:28:33

'Oh my lord!' exclaimed Beverly to her own inner goddess... 'That's the third day in a row next door have parked their huge white Honda CRV just past my dropped kerb... But then she but her lip as Bernard Kumon all over her swishy big hair...

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