The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

(294 Posts)
Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 12:31:53

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 12:32:22

your boob

SummerLeaps Tue 16-Aug-11 12:34:29

YY on the teen reading raising teen books. When I was a teen, my DF did a degree in child psychology... i avidly read his books and knew ALL the techniques the poor man was trying to implement.

He talks about it to this day....post traumatic stress.

Don't leave your DC unspervised with shaving foam. Even though she may be 10.4. DD did a prank yesterday. How I laughed.

Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 12:43:19

grin

May I also add if a random and unfortunate series of circumstances on a day trip leads you to providing your dc a meal that is basically a Doughnut and chips. They WILL TELL PEOPLE. In particular your most judgy diet concious acquaintances.

Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 12:44:07

kittens

what kind of prank?
<pen ready>

naught Tue 16-Aug-11 13:01:52

Make sure your co-parent is another adult, not a child. grin

Pretty simple one really. She thought it would be funny to squirt a whole tin over the taps in the bathroom.
She didn't think cleaning them was anywhere near as funny.

Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 13:14:06

<goes upstairs & puts shaving foam on higher shelf>

Hellishday Tue 16-Aug-11 13:17:04

Do not cut head off ds's favourite cuddly when abroad.
Especially not in front of him.
(disclaimer..it was dh not me)

Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 13:22:48

Hellishday

What did he cut the head off with confused

InfestationofLannisters Tue 16-Aug-11 13:33:26

Please link, Hellishday. I don't remember the full story. I'm often tempted to do that to the Nursery Bear.

I have trained DS (4) to call MNing, "Mummy working" and was most amused to discover the other day that someone else had too (am SAHM)

cornsilx Tue 16-Aug-11 13:37:15

when they go quiet do not carry on Mning. They will be busily unscrewing doors from their hinges. Or is that just mine?

Hellishday Tue 16-Aug-11 13:47:11

We were on holiday, ds was about 3 or 4 and had refused to do something. No idea what. Dh lost it, got the (blunt) scissors from the villa and hacked off Blue Bear 's head. It s a very low point in dh's parenting skills, which thankfully have improved.

Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 13:57:19

i guess from bear beheading they can only get better smile

TheArmadillo Tue 16-Aug-11 14:20:21

Keep sudocreme in a locked container that only you have the key for (kept on your person at all times), otherwise no matter how high a shelf you put it on your child will at some point get it and cover themselves/your house in it.

piprabbit Tue 16-Aug-11 14:27:31

Sudocreme doesn't wash out of anything - hair, carpet, soft toys.

If you cut your child's hair, make sure they don't know where you keep the scissors.

Do not let your 7yo DD read MN over your shoulder - you will have to answer some tricky questions.

If you explain the facts of life to your LO (perhaps because your are expecting DC2 and DC1 is curious), make sure that you use words that you are happy to have quoted back to you on the bus, in Tesco and to be shared with all DC1's more innocent pre-school friends.

AbsDuCroissant Tue 16-Aug-11 14:27:52

Surely honeydragon you should also include
NEVER immac your baby's head?

<looks innocent>

piprabbit Tue 16-Aug-11 14:34:47

ROFL @ honeydragon.
Not sure which would be worse, Immacing a 6 week old on purpose or by accident?

Honeydragon Tue 16-Aug-11 14:36:54

Did consider it Abs blush

but figured that surely no one else could be as thick unlucky as me grin

theglove Tue 16-Aug-11 14:37:55

Never leave a large packet of Haribo on the table and tell two 6 year olds to 'help themselves' just before a school disco.

The subsequent intense (and quite scary) rise of energy, shortly followed by a sharp decline in their temper, is too much for anyone's nerves.

And it'll all be your fault.

sad

piprabbit Tue 16-Aug-11 14:42:30

If you buy your DD a nice little pink cami (it goes perfectly with the Boden ruffle skirt), she will choose to wear it with the pair of fuschia shorts you bought her two years ago and which now resemble Kylie's hot pants in terms of skimpy fit to wear on the beach.

You will not able to wash or even remove this outfit for the entire summer holiday.

AbsDuCroissant Tue 16-Aug-11 14:52:29

Look on the bright side, you could have accidentally waxed your baby's head. That would have been worse

LimburgseVlaai Tue 16-Aug-11 15:03:29

When buying/receiving as a present a set of paints of whatever kind, remove the blue one. Blue paint cannot be removed by whatever means possible.

Remove mashed banana off clothing immediately. Otherwise it will turn black and and the stain cannot be removed.

LimburgseVlaai Tue 16-Aug-11 15:05:36

If, on attempting to close a door, there seems to be some resistance, do not pull harder. The likely cause of the obstruction is your child's fingers. The sound effect may be delayed but it is shockingly loud.

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