Mumsnet Talk

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

Please do not shut your brother in the freezer.

No willies at the dining table please.

No thank you I do not want to see you put your finger in your bottom.

Those ones are just from yesterday ( sigh ).

no I dont want to see your foof thankyou

stop putting snails in the fridge

can I please just crap in peace!!!!!

snailwhaletail, they are really funny

op, good iea for a thread

this could be very cathartic

no I dont think you're teacher would like to see your rotten fish

Trust me love, the ladybirds would be much happier if they weren't in a tupperware box.

Please stop licking the television.

Love the willies on the table one. I thought feet were bad!

No dear, your willie isn't broken, it is meant to do that

We don't lick strangers

Sadly said on more than one occasion

'we dont lick strangers'

This from ages ago, when my son was under a year. He had a frog that he was only allowed to play with when having his nappy changed so it was a distraction.

'Son, please take the frog off your penis. Thank you.'

"Please stop putting the Stig up Mummy's skirt".

"Please don't put your dinosaurs in the toilet" (to which the response was "But Mummy, they're having a wee!").

Why is there a stapler floating in the toilet?

"Yes DS. That's your willy. See? It hasn't disappeared in the last five minutes."

"My nipple is not a button."

Please stop licking the dog .

"Dont throw the elephant at the window,please"

"Get the pirate out of your mouth"

"stop raming your motorbike in the tv"

"Sorry, but i dont control what is on tv"

"Oh look you did a poo in the bath, lets get out and your Dad can send it down the toilet"

"My boob is not yours, no its not, stop twiddeling"

"My nipple does not twist that way it hurts mummy, please stop laughing"

"no, the dog does not want your willy in his eye"

"How did you manage to wee on your head?"

"I'm not really sure I want to sleep in the kitchen cupboard tonight, but thank your for putting a cushion in there for me."

"Stop putting cat food in the welly"

"Where did you leave your poo?"

'I'm glad you're enjoying Singing in the Rain, but can you get off the coffee table and put your clothes back on?'

'STOP DRAWING ON YOUR BITS'

'The baby in mummy's tummy doesn't like tea, stop trying to pour it through my belly button'

'Thanks for that condescending round of applause, but I have actually been doing MY wee-wees in the toilet for several years now.'

...I'm sure there must be many more. There'll be at least three by the end of today!

Please detatch yourself from my boob, you are 8, you should know better.
I know tickling gives you a stiff willy - that's why I DON'T want to do it.
Put your todger away.
Don't eat your brother's bogies, please stick to your own.
Please lower your voice to a loud shout.

Oh, and said daily:
Your bottom hole is NOT the Octohatch and I don't want to see you open it.