Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

(830 Posts)
iloveblue Sat 23-Oct-10 19:20:14

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

iloveblue Sat 23-Oct-10 19:22:56

I have to add - all the midwives and doctors we saw yesterday were fantastic and made the whole experience much more bearable. i honestly couldn't fault them.

Creative79 Sat 23-Oct-10 20:00:41

I had a really similar experience. I was 18 weeks pregnant and really didn't feel connected with my pregnancy in comparison to my son. I mentioned my concerns to the midwife, who dismissed it as being part and parcel of a life as a busy mum. She did try and listen to the heart beat, but there was non. My baby had died at just over 15 weeks and two days after seeing the midwife I delivered my baby. It was a normal labour and I did get to hold it.

This happened to me a month ago today and it has been an emotional time that has got easier as each day passes. I have trawled through numerous website to see if my concerns about not feeling as one with my baby was me or something that others have felt too. And I have come across 1 medical website which says that women sometimes do feel this, particularly those that have been through successful pregnancies. I've also noticed other blogs by women that say they've experienced this instinct. It really helped me reading these websites as I felt so guilty, and like I was going mad. I really believe this feeling was an instinct that something wasn't quite right, but it doesn't take the pain away. x

sh77 Sat 23-Oct-10 20:18:40

So very very sorry for your loss. I have suffered 2 early miscarriages and before that, the death of my baby a day after her birth.

Like you, I was at my calmest just after my daughter died. I stayed numb for about 2 days before it started dawning on me what happened. It didn't feel real.

Before she died and before my first MC, I had dreams. Re daughter, the dream made me cry but then I thought she wouldn't possibly die and so pushed it to the back of my mind. When I had the dream before MC, I knew the preg wouldn't work out. So, I do know what you mean about feeling things wouldn't work out.

Also, the guilt about not seeing your baby. You did what you thought was right for you at the time. When my baby was in the incubator wired up, I never touched her and didn't hold her after she passed away. This will be my biggest regret throughout life. Still makes me cry I didn't hold her. But, things were happening so fast that I couldn't process what was happening. I did go to the mortuary to her the next day.

Having a wonderful OH and the support of others will really help in the days to come.
I really hope that you will get the answers you need and that, when you are ready, you go on to have another baby. I was desperate for another baby as soon as my post-natal bleeding stopped. I think I was physically and emotionally very weak, which is why I may have miscarried. With hindsight, I needed some distance from my daughter's death. Preg so soon wasn't the answer.

I wish I could offer you comfort. Just want you to know that I know how you are feeling.

Much love.
xx

sh77 Sat 23-Oct-10 20:21:25

creative79 - sorry for your loss also. Much love to you.

AnytimeNOW Sat 23-Oct-10 20:23:26

Iloveblue I'm so very sorry for your loss...I have not experienced such a terrible loss, but have had two early losses this year.

I think you are very brave, and will help others sharing your grief...

Sending you lots of ((((hugs))) X

iloveblue Sat 23-Oct-10 20:48:58

Thankyou so much for sharing your stories - it really means so much to me at the moment.

Creative79 - so sorry for your loss too, it must still be very raw for you.
I find the instinct thing really interesting. I almost felt relieved yesterday when I knew my baby had died because I could stop worrying about what might happen.

Sh77 - so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. Have you managed to go on and have a successful pregnancy?

I am thinking of contacting the bearevement counsellor at the hospital to see if I can send something in to be placed with the baby before cremation - a blanket or teddy maybe. The feeling that we didn't acknowledge it (we didn't even find out if it was a girl or boy) is hurting the most at the moment. There is also hand and foot prints set aside for us - which we didn't feel ready to take yesterday.

It really does help writing this down - thanks for your support also anytimenow.

sh77 Sat 23-Oct-10 20:54:39

Am on my 4th preg - 19 weeks at the mo. Some days I feel hopeful. Other days, I feel really worried that something will happen again. Every scan brings huge relief but still some way to go. As I haven't experienced a happy outcome yet, it is v v hard to imagine. But many women do have happy outcomes.

Sending a blanket or teddy sounds like a lovely idea.

Did the docs do tests, scans, etc on baby?

cece Sat 23-Oct-10 20:55:21

I lost my baby at 19 weeks. It happened nearly 3 years ago now but I still find myself having a cry now and again.

I am very sorry for your loss and recognise the numbness feeling you are talking about.

If you would like to see your baby would it be possible to arrange through the bereavement midwife or did they take any photos?

I know I found it a huge help for me to see my daughter. But I understand not everyone is able to. DH didn't see her, as he didn't feel able to.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit Sat 23-Oct-10 21:01:12

I think they do take photos now don't they and you can go and get them when/if you feel able? I'm sure I heard someone saying that is standard practice now on the radio.

Also, while I have no relevant experience to share I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I had a mmc at 13 weeks and I felt numb for a couple of days.

NonnoMum Sat 23-Oct-10 21:04:20

Sorry for you loss.

Look after yourself and so pleased to hear your DH is fab.

xxx

iloveblue Sat 23-Oct-10 21:04:38

I really hope this pregnancy works out for you sh77 - sounds like you've had an awful time of it.

They are going to do a postmortem of the baby - we decided on a full PM so we had the best chance of finding out what went wrong.
So much paperwork and info to take in yesterday we were a bit dazed to be honest.

Cece - they did take photos which will be in my notes I think, so I can access them if I want. Does your DH have any regrets about not seeing your daughter?

iloveblue Sat 23-Oct-10 21:05:46

Thanks Headless and Nonno

ilovesprouts Sat 23-Oct-10 21:13:25

iloveblue so sorry x

sh77 Sat 23-Oct-10 21:14:21

See how you feel in the next couple of days - if you want, maybe you could see and hold your baby. Visiting my baby in the mortuary was truly heatbreaking. She just looked asleep. But, it gave the situation a sense of completeness.

Not sure if you have seen the site babyandbump. It has a section for 2nd tri losses and so you could get more info there.

iloveblue Sat 23-Oct-10 21:20:00

I will check out that site thanks sh77

cece Sat 23-Oct-10 21:24:00

He has never said he regrets it. Our loss was soon after his father had died. He had seen him after his death and I think it upset him too much to then see our DD as well.

Personally I found it a great help but I can see why it is not for everyone.

Minione Sat 23-Oct-10 21:32:09

Iloveblue - I am so sorry for your loss. My son Malachy was stillborn in June at 30 weeks. It was a difficult pregnancy but as I had little to compare it to (my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks) I didn't really know what to expect.

I didn't see Malachy but Dh did. We were told he was very red and macerated (sp) as he had died almost a week before being born. I was in too much of a state to see him, I'd had a lot of morphine and just couldn't do it. Dh saw him and I'mn glad that one of us did. I have his hand and footprints and several scan photos so I feel like I have seen him IYKWIM but at times I wish I actually had seen him.

I hope the pm results give you answers and some peace, take care and look after yourself.

iloveblue I am so so sorry you've lost your baby.

My baby was born 2 weeks ago today at 20 weeks (an induced delivery as it was a MMC picked up on my 20 week scan, 2 days prior to the birth). We saw, held and named our baby and took lots of photos. It was the right thing for us to do, though I know people feel differently. I asked the MW if we could come back and see our baby again if we wanted to and was told yes, if we phoned in advance. So if you do want to see your baby you should definitely contact the delivery ward and ask.

Unlike you I had no suspicions at all that there was anything wrong and it was the most almighty and horrific shock to find no heartbeat at the scan. I too was numb. It took until about 5 hours after giving birth before I cried on the Saturday. I cried the day before as well but I think that was as much out of fear and shock rather than an actual reaction to the loss. I just couldn't process it at all. It's taken days to sink in, for me the real grieving has only just started in the last few days. I still can't quite believe I'm not pregnant. The pain and grief is indescribable and my heart goes out to you as you have to go through it too.

If it helps, my story is here and lots of MNetters shared their experiences too.

Go gently on yourself, we're all here if you want to keep talking xx

BBB81 Sat 23-Oct-10 22:53:52

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at 18 weeks a couple of weeks ago, and like you I chose not to see or hold my baby. I am still not sure if I made the right decision or not, but like you I know that was how I felt at the time, so I think it must have been the right decision for me. I can so completely understand your feelings though, I wished that I had asked one of the nurses to wrap my baby in a blanket for me. But your baby knew that you loved it so please don't feel guilty.

I am glad your H is supporting you, sending you lots of love. xxx

iloveblue Sat 23-Oct-10 23:08:37

Thanks Minione,*Spilt* and BBB81 for sharing your experiences - very sorry for your losses also.

Just read through that thread you linked to Spilt - its v helpful, the poems are beautiful, am going to write some of them down at some point - too painful at the moment.

BBB81 - I know it sounds silly but knowing you made the same decision as me about not seeing the baby is very comforting. Did you have any keepsakes - handprints etc?

BBB81 Sun 24-Oct-10 00:16:44

Hi iloveblue. I know exactly what you mean, from reading a few forums, I felt like everyone saw their babies, and named them. They did offer us hand and foot prints but I said no...again it might not have been the right thing to do but at the time I was too upset and thought that having these would just have made me even sadder. As soon as you find out that you have lost your baby you are expected to make so many decisions in such a short space of time, it is so hard, especially when you are so upset. I do now think that I don't have much to remember my baby, but I have the scan pictures, which are a happy memory, rather than a sad one for me.

I do think that there is no right decision in this situation and you have to decide what helps you most at the time, but I totally understand your feelings. You must be feeling unbeleivably sad at the moment, but 2 and a bit weeks on I can honestly say that life has got a little bit easier again. xxxx

littlewish Sun 24-Oct-10 08:57:10

Hello iloveblue, just wanted to say that I too lost our baby this year, no heartbeat was picked up at the 20 week scan. The heartache is undescribeable. Crying was the only thing to do in those first few weeks.

Thinking of you x

Creative79 Sun 24-Oct-10 09:27:42

Hi iloveblue, I just wanted to add to my post that I opted not to have the prints or photographs done and I now feel that I have nothing of my baby. I have come across the SANDS website, which offers lots of advice and support and have found that you can have a certificate signed by the hospital that recognises your baby. I have put a link here. I have contacted my hospital and they are more than happy to fill it in.

Just to echo what others have said, if you feel you really want to see your baby I'm sure the hospital will be more than willing to help this happen. Go with what feels right for you and your family and take your time, you don't need to rush, just let the hospital know that you might want this. xxx

http://www.uk-sands.org/Improving-Care/Resources-f or-health-professionals/Forms-and-certificates-to- download.html

Creative79 Sun 24-Oct-10 09:31:01

I have just tried the link and it appears to be broken. Once in the SANDS website if you go to the search box and type: 'Forms and certificates to download' you should get to the relevant documents. xxx

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