I've gone mad

[milkybarkid]

I can't keep this to myself any longer; I need to tell someone I feel.

Some of you may have seen my thread about feeding my son a lot to get him to sleep; at first I thought it was the tiredness from lack of sleep, bf whilst pregannt etc making me feel low. I said onthis thread that I didn't have anyone round to help and my partner had left and wanted a divorce.

Now I realise its not the tiredness; I think I have true clinical depression but I am too scared to see my GP, I'm scared SS will get involved and my son and baby I'm carrying will be taken off me.

My son is so demanding, I feel isolated, for some reason I've started thinking about the rape again even though it happened ages ago, and it hurts so much that someone who I thought the world of hates me so much now that he has left me when I'm pregnant and have a baby to look after when he knows I have nobody else to help.

I am almost constantly crying and although not really actively suicidal, I wake up every morning thinking "Oh god, why am I still here". I am not enjoying my pregnancy or my baby and I have become such a shit mum

[CountessDracula]

oh god mbk I'm not surprised you are depressed you have so much to cope with on your own. Do you have family nearby or good friends who could give you a bit of support?

[Freckle]

Go and see your GP. Unless your child is in danger, there is no need for SS to become involved. However, if your depression continues untreated, it may well happen that you inadvertently place your child (or your unborn baby) in danger. Please seek help. You have taken the most important step in admitting that you have a problem. Now take the next one and seek help for it. You are strong enough.

[milkybarkid]

no, I don't. I feel so guilty cos I have a lovely little boy, even tho he is hard work, I should be so happy but I just wnant to die

[milkybarkid]

no friends or family; I asked homestart for help but they have no volunteers

[justaquickchange]

hi milkybarkid, please go to see the doctor, it will only help you. Last year I went through so much. I split up with my dd's father. He raped me, and it still affects me now. I suffered from depression at the beginning of the year and was so worried I would have dd taken away from me, but lucky for me, I wasnt on medication for too long as I found I could be strong on my own. But like Freckle says, that won't happen unless the circumstances are extreme and that you are a danger to yourself or ds. Getting help doesnt make you a bad person. It will help you. Have you thought of counselling? Try to go out to baby groups so you can meet other mums, or even hang around the baby clinic. I do that just so I can have a chat to other mums and allow dd to play with the toys and children there.

[Blu]

Sweetie, so sorry you are having to cope with all this.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, it is a real illness, and sets in very easily in the turmoil of pregnancy hormones - and you have plenty, plenty of other issues to add to your burden.

I have been on Cipralex since I fanally realised / admitted that i had depression, and i now feel so much better - trust myself much more, and after 8 months am now confidently coming off them.

The other things that have happened to you are the doing of other people, not you.

Please please take care of yourself - and let your GP take care of you too.

[anorak]

milkybarkid, there is nothing to be ashamed of in being depressed. It can strike you as randomly as a virus or a broken bone. It isn't anything you can control. It's an illness like any other and your doctor will treat it like any other.

No one will take away your kids and social services will not be informed. You are not a shit mum. It is very common to think that because you have a beautiful child you 'ought' to feel happy. But depression is not the same as being 'down in the dumps' or unsatisfied, or a moaner. It's about deep-seated injuries beginning to rise to the surface and hurt you, that's why you are thinking about the past. You have tucked away unresolved suffering in the past and it now insists on rising to the surface and being taken notice of. Allow it to do so. That way it will eventually be resolved and your normal happy disposition will take over again.

To go through this process you will probably need help in the form of medication and/or counselling. Obtain that help - you're entitled to it and you owe it to your child. It isn't a gift to yourself or your son to ignore your own needs. If you want to function well as a mother, taking care of yourself is vital.

Don't try and suppress your depression, you will only feel worse. Don't allow guilt to add to your already heavy burden. You didn't choose depression, it chose you and the sooner you realise that you can't snap out of it the better. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking any of this is your fault.

Mumsnet will give you support too. Good luck xxx

[MummyToSteven]

MBK - agree with everyone else - you have such a lot to cope with, and its such a shame that you have been left in this position and it most certainly is NOT YOUR FAULT.

SS wouldn't get involved just because you were depressed - I had problems with OCD and Depresssion during my PG last year and ended up being referred to a psychiatrist and being put on Prozac at 30 weeks PG- and that was one of the things I was afraid of - but nothing like that happened - like freckle said SS would only become involved if they had concrete fears that your child was in danger. Talk to your HV and/or GP - whichever you get on best with. Your HV should have done a PND questionnaire with you already. If not, ask her to do it. Your GP can refer you to counselling and/or prescribe ADs and/or refer you to the Community Mental Health Team. If you are referred to the Community Mental Health Team, they can provide you with a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who can visit you regularly and give you counselling and some forms of CBT, and/or refer you to a psychotherapist and/or psychiatrist. It is possible to take ADs during PG, especiallly after first trimester. If your GP isn't any use, then you should hopefully be able to get help/referral to the Community Mental Health Team via the hospital gynae department (my GP wouldn't refer me to a psychiatrist or prescribe ADs so in the end the hospital referred me to a psych). Also your hospital may have a disability support or postnatal depression midwife who specialises in dealing with depressed mums who can also be a useful source of health.

What I found when I was depressed etc when PG was that the health professionals were very concerned as to my well-being as person, and keen that I should have whatever support I needed to get me well again and to be a good mum - there was never any agenda of having the baby taken off me!

Did you ever receive proper counselling or therapy after the rape? Even if you did, if it is starting to trouble you again you may find it beneficial just to talk through that again with someone qualified.

If you want to know any more about my experiences, feel free to CAT me.

[MummyToSteven]

MBK - btw antenatal depression is surprisingly common - I have read that about 10% of PG women suffer from it. You are most certainly not alone.

[milkybarkid]

I don't find my doc easy to talk to at the best of times

[nappybaglady]

mbk, you don't need to speak to your doc initially. Tell any healthcare person that you do feel able to speak to eg midwife, practice nurse, HV. All of them SHOULD take you very seriously and may suggest which GP in your practice is the easiest to approach about these things.

YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD. You are depressed and you need and deserve help. PND/AND and any other mental health problems are not your fault.

[roisin]

Hi MBK - I am devastated for you that you are going through this, I've thought of you often this year, but haven't caught up to speed recently with how things are with you.

There's loads of people on here with experience of what you're going through. Please take some of the excellent advice on here. You are a very special person, and you need some care and support. I know what it's like to not get on with your GP, is there another Dr at the practice who might be more approachable? What about your HV? Or in the first instance you could contact your midwife, if that's someone you feel you could talk to.

Take care honey,

[MummyToSteven]

Hello again MBK. I agree that you don't necessarily need to approach your doctor in the first instance - just any health professional that you feel most comfortable with - whether it is midwife/HV/practice nurse etc. Feeling depressed during PG is nothing to be ashamed of - a lot of women feel that way, and you have had such a lot of sorrow in your life that it is no wonder that you are finding the burden heavy to bear at times. There is treatment out there - and you will feel better once you have managed to get treatment for this.

[milkybarkid]

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies. I woke up feeling terrible again today, I just get more depressed everyday. Can't get to see doctor for about 3 weeks usually anyway, always so busy, only 1 doc at the practice. Health visitor has you in and out of clinic in no time at all, nice but neverhas time for anyone, mw not due for ages yet.

[MummyToSteven]

MBK - you deserve help now. Don't wait for your appointment. Phone up either your mw (or whoever you get answering the phone in the mws offices) or hv and ask for a home visit. If you really feel desperate, you can go to A & E and explain how you feel, and ask to see the duty psychiatrist.

[MummyToSteven]

MBK - do have a NHS walk in clinic near you? they could help/refer you on to the correct people. Alternatively NHS Direct. You have had so much sorrow to cope with in your life that I think it is inevitable that you are struggling to cope. Do you have any friends/family that can come and help you look after your son? don't suppose you live anywhere near Liverpool?

[whymummy]

MBK sorry you're feeling so low,you have lots of reasons to be but you also have lots of reasons to get better so please,please ask for help,no one is going to take your baby away
hugs

[roisin]

MBK - have you got anyone you can confide in? When I was really low after C (Dsreally1) was born, a friend took me to the clinic, and so she braved the fearsome dragons at the reception desk, and insisted that I needed to see a GP that day. She also came in with me to the GP to make sure I told him everything I'd told her.

Once I got past that point, it all went really well. The GP was fantastic.

If you haven't got someone to do this for you, I'm sure there must be someone on here who's near to you who would do this for you. Please tell us whereabouts you are.

Thinking of you.

[milkybarkid]

Thanks for everyone's concern, would be great if someone could come with me to the docs but afraid to say where I live in case anyone guesses my ientitity

[MummyToSteven]

MBK - you could put where you live on, then ask tech to delete the post afterwards - or do a separate thread under another name just saying where you live and briefly describing the situation. i doubt though that anybody would guess who you are, unless you know people in RL that are on MN

[milkybarkid]

the midlands

[whymummy]

i'm nowhere near MBK but i'm sure mumsnetters near you will email you
good luck

[milkybarkid]

As far as I know I dont know any mumsmetters but you dont know who could be on here even if they are kjust lurking do you. I hope nobody from where I live guesses who I am

[MummyToSteven]

MBK - you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and i think that the need for you to start getting the treatment/support you need to get better is far more important than the small risk of 1)being recognised and 2)ever even realising that you have been recognised and suffering adversely from it. I would guess that you won't believe that tho, as your self-esteem is at rock bottom atm partly due to your depression, and that you have been through some really terrible experiences lately. its the horrible experiences you have been through and your depression that make you feel as if you have to hide the real you, and that the real you is so dreadfully shameful - absolutely honestly it isn't. what happened to you could have happened to anyone of us reading this - you had horrendously bad luck - please don't blame yourself. you are a great caring mum who has had a really rough time lately. with help you can get through this.