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It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)

(138 Posts)
Grockle Wed 03-Apr-13 11:12:56

Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...

Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.

1) I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.

2) Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.

3) DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me confused I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.

4) I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.

5) I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.

I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.

<sigh>

Grockle Fri 05-Apr-13 08:36:33

Yes pirate, I'm in the SW. Just.

Pussycat - I have a psych - that's how I contacted the crisis team yesterday. Not that they were any help. Because I carry on pretty much as normal, they all say I'm doing well & don't seem to think I need any help.

I don't have an issue with taking ADs, I just haven't needed them (for depression - I take a low dose for pain relief). I don't know if I need them now - they won't change any of the things that I'm finding difficult. They won't make me able to walk properly.

I'm doing all the stuff I should do - going out, seeing friends etc. I just no longer care or having any feeling other than dread & exhaustion.

No-one ever really knows that I am struggling & in the past when I've it's become very serious, no-one had any idea how I was feeling because I make a point of being 'normal'. I wash, dress, do my hair, meet friends etc. This is the same... I still have a knot in the bottom of my stomach & feel so disappointed that I woke up again. That means another whole day to get through. Another whole day to resist falling in front of a bus or slipping off the edge of the cliff. I won't do those things but I wish I could.

sad

Thank you both.

Badvoc Fri 05-Apr-13 08:42:55

It's hardly surprising you are depressed darling.
sad
So much to cope with and you must feel very alone.
Can you get an emergency appt today with your gp/MH team?
I ink you need to see someone before the weekend looms...
X

piratecat Fri 05-Apr-13 09:55:26

perhaps anti-depressants might be a step to parts of you feeling more balanced? They do help with your mood, lets say they normalise you, and make the best bits of you be you again mentally. ime anyway.

x

Grockle Fri 05-Apr-13 10:35:14

GP will tell me to call MH team. MH team weren't interested. They said they'd probably get back in touch next week when they've talked about me.

sad

Grockle Sat 06-Apr-13 02:41:24

I can't sleep. This is ridiculous.

Grockle Sat 06-Apr-13 02:43:17

I can't sleep. hmm

Grockle Sat 06-Apr-13 02:51:22

Oh, don't know how I posted twice blush

diamondee Sat 06-Apr-13 03:31:17

I'm sorry I can't help you in a practical way grockle, I just wanted to know I'm thinking of you and hoping tomorrow (today) is a better day for you. Unmumsnetty hugs from me x

piratecat Sat 06-Apr-13 06:11:22

i don't understand why a doctor won't prescribe something for you. get a different gp that gp is not helping at all. being passed on is not good for your mood. bloody hell that is angry

Eastpoint Sat 06-Apr-13 09:06:33

Another brew for you, sorry things are so tough. Thinking of you & how brave you are being.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 06-Apr-13 10:21:15

Sorry I didn't read properly grockle. I think I would press for ADs for depression, you won't know if they help till you try.

If one of your conditions has a national society or something, could you access someone to talk to you by phone, at least to offload.

Grockle Sat 06-Apr-13 16:13:38

I started on ADs last year (after a break of several years). I went through 3 or 4 different ones, including the ones that saved me last time. None of them helped at all which is why I was then referred to the psych. clinic. Then they referred me to the rheumatology clinic because they agreed with me that if I weren't exhausted or in pain that I'd probably be a lot better mentally. And that helped a lot.

GP wont prescribe anything that I have a consultant for so I just have to wait.

It's sunny today so things feel a little brighter. I've been out, walked the dog, seen a friend & am going out again now but I'm exhausted. I'm on the verge of tears all the time & am resisting the temptation to drive to (D)Ps & beg him to come home. I know I'm better without him but I miss him. I've never been this pathetic. Not through my divorce, never. I want my happy family back. sad

mummylin Sat 06-Apr-13 18:13:00

If I can help in anywayI will. You can get through this x

Grockle Sat 06-Apr-13 19:26:43

Thank you mummylin. I know I've got through bad patches in the past... I should have counted my blessings - little did I know I'd end up with something as debilitating as all of this. Why does everything happen at the same time?

I've had a lovely day but it's worn me out. I'll be good for nothing tomorrow & I bet I won't sleep tonight.

mummylin Sat 06-Apr-13 19:47:18

My email is still the same if you need

Grockle Sun 07-Apr-13 03:47:18

Thank you smile

Why can't I sleep? I feel so tired during the day that it makes me sick yet I wake up all night. sad

I don't know how to makes things easier for myself. I don't understand how my life ended up like this.

mummylin Sun 07-Apr-13 10:50:31

Hope you managed to drop of eventually.sometimes the more tired we are the more our brain seems to work overtime, so preventing our body from being able to relax enough to sleep. Do you have apts lined up to see various people who can help you ? Thinking of you x

Grockle Sun 07-Apr-13 19:33:22

Thanks mummylin. I have rheumatology apt at the end of the month but that's it. I really feel like no-one understands... my GP, friends, family etc. I'm sure my GP is sick of seeing me. I think he has no idea the impact this has had on my quality of life & the effect on my family as well. I can cry & explain it a million times but I'm just another patient to be dealt with in 10 minutes.

I tend not to moan about stuff & just get on with it so when I AM moaning, it means it's quite bad. I am terrified of using the phone so to psych myself up to phone the crisis people was a big deal for me. Them asking if I could find something to do to keep me busy was not very helpful. If there were a simple solution like that, I'd use it instead of calling them. If I tell them I don't feel safe & am scared, suggesting I do some paperwork is not enough angry

I've been a bit more together today but haven't managed to leave the house. I have this week off then need to be back at work sad

mummylin Sun 07-Apr-13 21:48:11

Any chance you could change your Doctor for a more sympathetic one ? I don't know why some people don't hear what you Are saying. I think some doctors can be very dismissive.sorry you didn't get to go out today at all, it was lovely.i was nearly down your way today ,I was going to visit my dd but I thought it was a bit too close to her meal time so didn't go.do you mean you have to go to work tomorrow or that you have the next week off ? Is your apt With the hospital ? If so have you said you could take a cancellation if one came up ? Is this possible do you think.

Grockle Sun 07-Apr-13 22:41:43

My GP isn't unsympathetic, as such. I just think he doesn't 'get' it & the knock-on effect it has on my family. I'm off work this week but fretting about going back after that. Work makes my symptoms much, much worse & I find it really hard to cope.

When my appointment with Rheumatologist came through, I asked if I could have a cancellation but the secretary said she had 10 people on the list already so couldn't put me down for one. I could pester psych team I suppose. I'm so tired that just the thought of having to fight for appointments is too much.

I will PM you my number, then you can pop in for a cup of tea if you are down my way.

mummylin Sun 07-Apr-13 23:43:10

Yes that would be good. I have now read about all your different illnesses.its surprising you are feeling so low. How long has this been going on? What a nightmare for you, and having to work as well,and be a mum,my god you are stronger than you think. It's a shame about not being able to go on cancelation list. Hope you get some rest tonight.

Hoophopes Mon 08-Apr-13 00:07:00

Hi. Things sound really tough for you. I have physical health difficulties and a job that exhausts me, plus MH difficulties. For me when my physical health breaks down my MH deteriorates. Perhaps your apt with the OH person could help with physical health issues, such as a fit note to reduce work duties etc?

Grockle Mon 08-Apr-13 03:18:08

Maybe, hula hoops, I don't know. I do know that atm, I cannot manage the hours I am meant to do.

Mummylin, I've been I'll for about 3 years, steadily getting worse over time. I hate it. This time last year, dP left me without saying a word & only contacted me with suicide threats. That lead to me being really unwell. I gradually got better but he's left again & that's put me straight back to feeling very low & ungappy

Grockle Mon 08-Apr-13 03:18:32

Ungappy grin

buildingmycorestrength Mon 08-Apr-13 08:24:44

Hi Grockle. Wanted to come over and say hi. Sounds like you feel awful and have good reason to. You've had some great suggestions on here about calling the crisis team again (maybe make more of a fuss?) and maybe getting another GP to increase/change meds. See if you can get your Psych appt moved to earlier too, that might help.

A couple of practical thoughts. It seems really important to you to seem normal. But you aren't in a normal situation just now, and that isn't your fault. It is okay to ask friends and family around you for help. It really is. Late last year I had a really bad patch where I could hardly walk and had to get people to take the kids to school (100 yds down the road) and so on. It wasn't easy but I had to let my pride go to a certain extent. People are often kind and will help without then holding it over you in some way or getting otherwise weird about it. Just ask the right people (I.e. not the idiots).

Also, to me it sounds like you are doing a lot, physically, even when you aren't working. Walking the dog, going out and seeing friends all in one day is a lot for someone with your condition. Carrying on with a normal level of activity is not likely to be possible just now, as it will set you back. I would suggest getting a friend or neighbourhood teenager to walk the dog just for now or at least sometimes.

And please prioritise eating, strictly necessary activities, seeing friends and telling them what is going on, and resting. Your son sounds lovely...and at 7 I expect he can be helpful and entertain himself while you lie down for an hour after lunch for instance. Maybe you are already doing that but you haven't talked about trying to rest in the day... if not, maybe try it? I listen to relaxation videos on YouTube when my mind goes weird during 'rest'...it helps.

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