Disappointing AS and A level results from both DC's. How do I maintain a good relationship with them when I want to kill them?

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Just got results for both kids and they are both dissapointing. DS cant go to uni as he only got a B,C and a U. He did not have good results last year so we had planned for him to apply this year with results and work in the meantime. So he will work and now have to do OU as that is his only hope of a degree and then pray he can go and do a masters somewhere.

DD got her AS results and they are bad.We have tried to keep telling her how she needs to work hard to make sure she is not in the same position as her brother and if anything her position is worse.

Both have been in private education and they have not performed at all. I just keep thinking that we have wasted all our money on them and should have kept it to secure our financial future rather than investing it in them. My husband will go ballistic when he finds out and I will get blame as he wanted to take them out years ago but I insisted they stayed.

I had to give up so many life chances for them and now I sit here in tears as it was all for nothing - the anger from my husband about the money we wasted, the destroyed relationship with him over this issue, the fear of facing family and friends who told us we were stupid for paying for their education and who will now laugh at us and say told you so, the knowledge that they, despite everything we tried to tell them about how important education is and the sacrifices we were making for them to ensure they had life choices, they were not prepared to work hard to get the results.

I gave up my career for them as it would have meant working full time and with my husband's demanding job it was too much for us. I could have done it with more support but that was not forthcoming so something had to give. At the time I thought it was the right thing but now realise it was not.Now it is too late to get back to where I was and move forward.

So what do I do? I have nothing else to say to them and everytime I look at them I know I will be disappointed and to be honest angry and will find it hard not to let that show.

How do I ensure I dont say anything to totally destroy the relationship when I really just want to kill them and feel that they dont respect me, or my husband as they know how important this was to us.

I know they are good kids and I dont have the worries about them that many paprents have and they will come good in the end, I hope, but what do I do in the meantime to get us through this time. I have no-one in real life so would really welcome any advice. I have a crap relationship with my parents, another thread entirely,and had always hoped my relationship with my kids would be different.

[cornsillkk]

Try not to be upset with them - they will be disappointed enough themselves.

[ragged]

I think you make a big effort to not talk to them, and even actively avoid them for a few days (maybe even a few weeks), until this news has settled in and you can find better perspective.

[MaeMobley]

I agree with Ragged. Don't talk about it yet.

I am so sorry for you.

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Thank you for such quick replies. I appreciate them.

They are both out for the day with friends so hopefully that will give us all a break to let the news settle.

[silverfrog]

could there be any more cliche-ed stereotypes in your post?

surelyif they have not been working sufficiently for years, then the school woudl have indicated this to you?

and you cannot in any way blame them for you giving up your career - that was a choice made by you, for you.

take a deep breath, have a cup of tea (or somethign stronger), relax, and start thinking about what you (and they) CAn do about this, rather than wallowing in pity and blame

[fluffyanimal]

OP, your message suggests so much more going on here than being upset with your children's exam results. I expect your children have felt tremendous pressure to do well when they may just not be the most academic sort, and they may well be feeling mortified now. Don't be harsh on them. Love them and value them for the unique people they are, they are not defined by a set of exam results.

Not going to uni is Not The End Of The World. Your children still have loads of possibilities to shine and make you proud. You have a duty to believe that, you're their mother. I think you've lost sight of that in the face of the so-called prestige attached to public schools. Take this opportunity to reassess the priorities in your life and address issues in your relationship surrounding power balances and how to make financial decisions.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but i'm a little by your post TBH.

[EdgarAllenPop]

this is the time to put aside your own disappointment and be the most loving parent you can.

they are on the cusp of adulthood and things that happen now may lay the foundation for things to come - you don't want that to be a battleground.

[cleanandclothed]

Poor you. It must be very difficult. Come and rant on here instead of at them!

Never feel that doing the best you could for them was a bad decision. You would be, probably, in exactly the same position if you had not paid for their education - their results might still be poor and you would be blaming yourself for not having paid.

Try not to blame them for your decisions - by all means show that you wished they had worked harder (if lack of work is the issue) but do not expect them to be grateful for the money you spent on the school - that was essentially your/your husbands decision.

Is university (and you mention a masters) important for them and their careers, or an ambition you have for them that they do not share?

If nothing is time critical (ie your son does not want to go through clearing) leave everything to do with this a couple of weeks. Then sit down and ask them what they want to do, and how you can help them achieve it.

Do they expect to be supported post 18? Is this something you want to do unconditionally?

Best of luck

[DuelingFanjo]

I am a little too. A B and a C are not the end of the world although I know the grades I got in 1988 probably wouldn't have got me into university these days.

Do they really want to go to University or is this a path you are pushing them down?

They can always work and still do well in their lives, plenty do.

[Theochris]

Look kids can be idle, it is not a reflection on you or how much they love you. You said they are good kids, well you are right they will find something they want to do/care very much about in the end. They are still the same people that they were yesterday and they must be disappointed for themsleves too.

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

It must be disappointing, but their education is really up to them and their own motivation. It doesn't mean they won't be able to get a good job, or decent income, based on A level results alone, but maybe have a discussion about what do they propose? My cousin was not very academic, barely scraped through high school, but was brilliant at computers. This was about 15 years ago when only 'nerds' understood computers, and he now is quite sought after. He didn't start his own business as his strengths are technical.

And several friends of mine did their masters in their 30s, so it isn't as if there is a deadline.

As far as your DH is concerned, he needs to be part of the, 'where do we go from here' discussion. It shouldn't be a confrontation or you having the 'right' answers.

Maybe call a family meeting to talk about it all?

[BelligerentGhoul]

I agree with those who think there's way more going on here than exam results. They are their own people; they don't have to form themselves in the image which you wish for them, however much you feel you've sacrificed to aid this.

I don't understand why you 'pray' your ds can do a masters somewhere, after an OU course. You need to let them think what THEY would like rather than what YOU 'pray' for tbh.

I can see and understand your disappointment as we all want the very very best for our children but you need to just be there now to help them on the road to what they want/need now - and none of that need cost loads of money.

[Lulumaam]

did you never consider that not achieving was a possibility? most parents and children do

some children are simply not academic

some cannot cope with exams

it does not make them any less wonderful or deserving of support


you have invested far too much in living vicarioulsy throuhg your DCs who will have felt this terrible pressure for teh alst few years and now have your utter contempt and disappointment to bear

he wanted to take them out of school, your friends and family were against it and you forged ahead and now are reaping what you sowed.

i am sorry for your children

[Strawberrycornetto]

My parents made lots of sacrifices for both me and my brother to go to private schools.

I am generally academic, so I did well, went to uni and am now working in a professional job.

My brother was less academic. He got average a-levels and didn't go to university. My parents were probably a bit disappointed although I don't think they told him so.

However, his education meant that he is a generally well rounded individual. He has benefited from the education in less obvious ways, so he's good in social situations, hard working and he has a good common sense and understanding of the world. He never did go to university but he works in a good job and is doing professional exams at work to further himself in his career. He's also generally pretty happy with his life.

So although it is terribly disappointing, not everyone can get A*s and go to Oxbridge. Your children may well have done better than they would have in a state environment, it is often the average children who perform worst in terms of their abilities in that kind of setting. They will have benefitted from their education in ways that you will not see for a long time.

Try not to be too hard on them or on yourself. Degrees aren't everything. My brother is more successful and happier than lots of his peers who did go to university and read academic subjects which did not help them when it came to finding a job.

[BaronessBomburst]

Does your son actually want to do a degree? A 'B' and a 'C' are perfectly respectable but a 'U' sounds like he wasn't even interested in the subject. I'm with the LadyintheRadiator - please stop pressuring the poor boy! You've got it mapped out right up to his Masters. And then what? His job/ career/ wife?

[theyoungvisiter]

Ok first of all huge sympathies and a pat on the back - I totally understand your upset.

However [deep breath] I am not sure how to say this but I think you need to rethink your position on this.

You sound like you are living your life and ambitions through your children and emotionally blackmailing them with the sacrifices you've made - they shouldn't have to excel because you gave up everything for them, it was your choice to be a SAHM and to send them to private school. They didn't force you to do that and they don't owe you any particular results as a consequence.

My parents made it very clear that it was my decision to work hard, or not, because the consequences would be on my shoulders if I didn't.

The real issue here is that they are not doing themselves justice - not that they are "disrepecting" you and are not performing as a financial investment should.

I think you woudl do better to give them a big hug, tell them that you love them and you are sad that they didn't do themselves justice for their own sake - but stop thinking of them as some kind of future investment which must make up for the financial and personal sacrifices you've made. Is that really why you had children?

[Miggsie]

I agree with those who say don't have the discussion when the emotions are so raw.

If they can't get to uni it isn't the end of the world. The next step is to look into careers/jobs with vocational training.

[Strawberrycornetto]

By disappointing, I mean you are obviously disappointed, not that you should be disappointed in them.

[RunningOutOfIdeas]

Did their teacher think they were capable of achieving higher grades? I can understand your disappointment in them if their results are purely down to not working hard enough.
However your post reads as if you have unrealistic expectations of them. You are burdening them with being responsible for the outcome of your own life! That is enough to make any teenager give up. Are you really saying that if you had not put them into private education, you would have carried on with your career? I don't see how they can be connected.

Why does your DS have to get a Masters? He may do very well in a career of his choosing without one.

My Mum had excessively high hopes for all 3 of her children. This resulted in my brother and sister going to university when they did not really want to. Both dropped out. However several years later, with much less contact with Mum, they are doing well in their chosen careers (not the careers that Mum wanted for them). I did get my degree but often wander whether I would have been happier doing something else and wished I had not caved in under the pressure from Mum.

If you hold your DCs results against them too much, you risk you future relationship with them.

[theyoungvisiter]

oops x - posted with lots of other people saying the same thing I see!

Honestly, it's NOT the end of the world that they got the results they did.

Your son has loads of options - he could resit, take time out, apply for a different course, do a completely different 3rd A-level (a U sounds like it was either appallingly taught or completely the wrong subject for him).

OU is not the only option at all.

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Thanks for comments so far. I 'hear' what you are saying and think you are right that I have been living life through my kids. I guess I need to deal with that separately.

I will give it a break before we sit them down and discuss how they move forward with their educational/work lives.

[RunningOutOfIdeas]

Oops, should be your .

[fabsoopergroovy]

Do you think that part of your distress could be associated with what your friends/acquaintances will think?

I'm sure it will be hard for all of you right now but given time, things will get better - please don't abandon them, I'm sure they haven't gone out of their way to 'underachieve' (in your view?).