Thread for those fed up of pregnant friends... actually pregnant women everywhere... while they themselves have been TTC for ages or keep having miscarriages.

[GordonTheGopher]

I know it's not very PC. But I can't help but be really jealous. Just this morning I got an email off another friend telling me she's pregnant - first month of trying.

That makes 6 friends who are pregnant. I have been TTC no 2 for two years. I had a MMC last May and an early MC last week.

I do try and be happy for them. But in reality I'm not.

Am I normal? Anyone care to join me?

[Cies]

I can understand why you feel that way. Poor you, so many friends. I think you just have to believe that it will happen for you some time. And in the meantime, keep yourself busy. Don´t spend too much time with pg friends if it makes you feel bad, but also don´t isolate yourself.

Do your friends know about your ttc and mc?

I have just suffered an early mc too. For me only my first but still. I went into work the next day, to find a colleague gossipping with receptionist about being 4 weeks pg. She was getting all excited and worried about the birth. I felt like saying, "look, who knows what could happen, you might want to keep it to yourself for a while." But of course I didn´t.

[GordonTheGopher]

Hiya - I recognise you from the May thread.

A few of them know. And I had a recount and actually made it 8 friends. Argh.

I do feel like isolating myself but I know that's not healthy.

Fingers crossed for both of us, eh?

[TheUNITUBER]

I'm glad to see this thread; it sums up how I've been feeling.

I've only had one (very early) MC but I have also had 2 ectopics this year.
We stopped using birth control last July, didn't get pregnant until March and since then I have had three losses back to back. Since the first ectopic every time I have tried to get pregnant I have succeeded, had between a couple of days and two weeks of feeling happy and then a crushing disappointment.

I think - or at least I hope - it is normal to have such mixed feelings when someone else gets pregnant.

One of my best and oldest friends called me 3 days after my first ectopic was treated (when I was lying in bed feeling dreadful from the effect of the drugs I had been given) to tell me she was pregnant. I would love to feel completely happy for her, I really would, but I can't help being quite jealous and miserable. And on the conception board when someone gets pregnant I say all the right, nice, congratulatory things but inside I am battling the green eyed monster and wondering when it will be my turn. Although having said that if I knew they had had problems conceiving it would also give me hope and I probably would be genuinely pleased. When my friend called I knew for a fact she had been trying for 3 months less than us and that hurt.

I know that what happens to other people is not really relevant to the hand I have been dealt but that doesn't make it easier.

[PicknMix]

Can my green eyed monster make a home here too?

Thankfully only one of my close friends is pregnant at the moment (as a result of a one night stand so she has her own problems to combat, doesn't stop the envy though) but had to endure a wedding at the weekend at which 4 of the couples sat at our table were pregnant. Cue much talk of forbidden foods, weeks gone, sickness, names lists etc...,

We have stopped using contraception in dec 2006, got pregnant in the same month (I know, I know, that makes me one of those smug pregnant people) and then had a miscarriage in Jan 2007. Have had no 'luck' since.

Couple this with a SIL who has 3 children all under 3 (yes, she's managed to conceive and carry to fullterm 2 babies in practically the same time its taken me to ftc just 1).

Wow. I'm a lot more bitter than I thought! Helps to get it off my chest though.

Love my little mn sanctuary but, like uni (hi btw!) I find it difficult to get excited over bfp results anymore, unless I think the person is 'worthy' enough which is a hideous thing to admit but I'm hoping you guys know what I mean.

I now find I isolate myself from any pregnant friends - if they are not close close friends then I just don't stay in contact. Nasty? Me? Yep.

I genuinely am sorry to hear of both your stories C and GtG. I appreciate this may sound trite but I hope you realise I know exactly where you're coming from.

[herbaceous]

Hurrah! A thread for the bitter and twisted.

I started TTC in 2006, at age 39, and got pregnant within three months. I miscarried at six weeks, however. Got pregnant again five months later, but miscarried that one at 11 weeks. Six months later, pregnant again, but had a MMC at 13 weeks. Four months after that, pregnant again, but MMC at 11 weeks. My heart broke more after each one.

The last MC was in March 2007, and I haven't conceived since. I'm now 42. So to add to the grief, time is running out.

My sis has three perfect children, all the requisite two years apart. Her latest, a girl, was conceived the first month of trying, a few months after my last MC. It sent me a bit mad. Now, my best friend has got pregnant, with twins, at her first go at IVF with donor sperm (she's a lesbian). At first she complained to me about 'how was she going to cope', etc, but I put a stop to that.

At a party the other night, two more friends just arrived with bumps. I had to pretend to be happy for them, but just wanted to scream.

So - yes! I totally understand. I too want to isolate myself from pregnant people (although once their babies are born, it's not so bad), but find if I gird myself, meeting them isn't as bad as I think it will be. Unless they moan about it.

[pinnygig]

hello, do you mind if i join in?
Im so sorry to hear your stories.

Ive popped in and out of this site since my mc in Jan this year and found it very comforting. This is the first time ive posted though - because i understand exactly how you feel. Everyone seems to be pregnant!!
Im lucky enough to have a 4y old dd. Probably because of this no one understands how sad i feel.

There is a rather irritating girl at work who is 23 weeks and behaves like shes the only person ever to be pregnant. I should be happy for her but because of the green eyed monster i just cant (though her attitude of using the pregnancy card to get out of doing things she doesnt like does not help!!) I have said all the right things though. Just wish these people wouldnt be so insensitive sometimes.

Thanks for listening, sorry if i sound bitter!

[lastboxoftampons]

Can I join you all?

I'm finding myself more and more bitter these days and I hate who I'm becoming. Like P&M I was one of those smug pregnant people who scored the first time around. Ended in mc at 11 weeks in March and since then nothing. At the time, my brother and SIL and DH's brother and SIL (each our only sibling) both announced that they were expecting within weeks of our due date. Both unplanned. Since then six more of our friends (some closer than others) have announced pregnancies.

I even look at children on the street that I don't even know and I'm jealous!

GTG I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I came across you on another thread where you said you had had a few scares

P&M I know exactly what you mean about 'worthy' BFPs and I hate myself for thinking that way too.

Herby I know I've said this to you before, but I'm so so sorry about all of your losses. I can't even imagine what it's like {{hugs}}

[sadminster]

I'm lucky enough to have two kids but have also had 6 losses (most recently a little boy who died at 17 weeks, that was in July) and a long period of not being able to conceive at all - we ended up having IVF & got pg with twins both of which died. I'm terrified of not being able to conceive again & terrified of what will happen if I do.

I have a complex formula for deciding how pleased/excited I am when someone announces a pregnancy which is determined by a number of factors including how much I like them, how many kids they have, how many losses they've had, how long they've been trying, how excited they are, how grateful they are, how smug they are, what other hardships they've had in their lives & how charitable I feel that particular day All very complicated stuff

[TheUNITUBER]

I understand pinnygig. I have a child too -a lovely little two year old girl. She is completely brilliant but it does not take away the sadness I feel because my family is not complete.

I am starting to think that we might never have another child and I am wondering how I am going to come to terms with that when the time comes. I'm not ready to give up yet but I hate being this bitter.

(Hi picknmix - I hope the foot's healing nicely )

[lastboxoftampons]

sadminster - I'd say your formula is right on. Close friends of ours went through hell to have their first. They're now pregnant with a "surprise". I want to be thrilled for them, but they're not grateful at all, in fact they're dreading the 'baby' stage and actually complaining a bit about it. I want to smack them upside the head!

[ClairePO]

Signing up. I am sure pregnant women gravitate towards me in restaurants/public transport/shops etc. That's without considering friends and colleagues. I live in dread of pregnancy announcements.

All I want is to get pregnant again and not to miscarry. Other people find it so effortless why can't I? Last week it was a year since mc and since then nothing at all.

[PicknMix]

My miscarriage (sorry, can't bring myself to say 'baby') would've been a year old this week. Usually I don't think like that as it would tear me apart (I can't even begin to imagine how you cope Herby and Sadminster with all you've been through) but it occasionally hits me like a blow to the chest.

I don't like to dwell but sometimes threads like these are incredibly cathartic.

LBOT grr at your friends....

The thing I find really galling are friends who 'plan' when they're gonna have children - I have friends who have said they will finish their travelling by end of 2008 so they can get pregnant in Jan 2009 and have a baby in Sept 2009. This 'fits' in with their lifeplan. My DH has tried to sympathetically tell them it doesn't often work like this (they know of our difficulties) and yet they just nod and smile smugly and knowingly at him as if to say, 'yes, but that wouldn't happen to us' thereby insinuating we are failures and obviously not trying hard enough.

[mistlethrush]

Lots of familiar faces here - and some others - Hi!

I managed to avoid seeing our secretary when she came into work with her 3mo - I should be off on maternity leave with a 2.5mo... - but then, I would also have a 1.25yo, ds (3.5) and a 5.5yo - actually, if things had gone to plan, I would have had an 8 yo and a 6yo, but ds took 6 years coming along...

When I had first mc (followed by nasty post mc complications that had 18mo + implications) dh had to break it to me on New Year's Eve that good friends were expecting - he wanted all the crap out in the old year and more positive for the New Year.

Post ds, mc have been emotionally painful, but not as bad as pre-ds - but it still hurts that other people seem to conceive so easily and not have any mc...

[pinkmook]

Can I join in? TTC 15 months and nothing, nada, no chemical pregnancy nothing, feels much longer than 15 months as Ive been wanting to get pregnant for years but had to wait for DH to agree to a vasectomy reversal first (we have 1 DS age 7). Several of my friends are pregnant and I live in abject fear and dread of my work colleague who I work in a team of 3 with falling pregnant as I will explode if she goes off on maternity leave while I have to deal with all the shit at work AND STILL WONT BE PREGNANT!!! arrrggh rant over!

I'm not evil really, just desperate

[TheUNITUBER]

Yes, agree that [grrr] at LBOT's friends.
When people say things like that I always have the urge to tell them "don't worry. Just have the baby and give it to me". But then they would mark me down as a desparate potential kidnapping stalker. Which of course I'm not. But they could always give the baby to me .

My former acupuncturist told me the she had clients who had been through lots of attempts at IVF and were still ambivalent when they managed to conceive. Hrmph.

[GordonTheGopher]

Wow! Hi all. Looks like I have a few compatriots in the bitter world of TTC.

TheUNITUBER It's so hard to congratulate people isn't it? I'm very good at my fake smile now.

PicknMix and herbaceous It's hard seeing people who seem to get pregnant so easily with close age gaps isn't it - especially someone in the family.

pinnygig how long have you been ttc? I'm finding it hard coming to terms with the fact the age gap between ds and any future baby is getting wider and wider - will now be 4 academic years apart. I know there are positives to that but all I see around me is close age gaps!

lastboxoftampons (at least your name cheered me up!!) sorry about your MC, are you avoiding your pg friends or putting on a brave face?

sadminster I'm sorry for your losses - god you've gone through far worse than me. I know what you mean about that formula - I find it easier to be happy for friends that have had a tough time conceiving, which really sounds terrible!

ClairePO sorry you're having so much trouble conceiving your first. Please feel free to be bitter on this thread.

mistlethrush do you feel that you should be grateful for that fact you've had a child? That's how people make me feel - "Well at least you've got ***".

pinkmook Welcome - feel free to rant. Does your ds know you've been trying? I'm often grateful for the fact that ds is too young to understand he doesn't have a brother or sister.

Good luck to everyone. And I promise not to be bitter when you come back to the thread and announce your BFPs!

[HeyThereGeorgieGirl]

Hi, can I join too please. GTG, thanks for starting this thread. Was beginning to think that it was only me that had mastered the 'fake' smile of approval when another one of my friends announced that they were pg.

Whilst I'm not in as bad a situation as some on here (I have 2 DD's), TTC No3 has been harder than I ever thought. Had a MMC in Nov 07 and a mc in Mar 08. Started TTC again July 08 and so far nothing. I know we haven't been trying for long, but can't help feeling like a failure every month when AF turns up. I'm 38 now and know that time is running out. DD1 is 7 and DD2 is 2.9 so age gap (if we're lucky) will be another big one.

I think it's really important to acknowledge all of our negative feelings. This is a really safe place to do it and I'm really impressed that everyone has had the balls to let go and really rant. It's not easy pretending to the outside world that everything is hunky dory when all you want to do is curl up under your duvet and cry.

LBOT, Mistle and ClairePO I remember you from Avengers thread. Am really sorry you're having a rough time of it. Life sucks.

Hope everyone gets what they need out of this thread. I tihnk it's going to be one that helps a lot of women out.

[maidinamerica]

Thank goodness someone has said the 'unmentionable'. We're now in our 7th year of TTC. A gazillion tests, horrific calender BD, IUI, IVF and now IVF with an egg donor in California. And we've managed one pg which didn't make it beyond 6 wks. I get so angry at my friends who have NO IDEA how hard it is for some and complain endlessly about feeling sick, or getting up in the night or whaterever. At least in the time we've been trying almost everyone we know has had their two perfect children and moved on.

Completely agree with sadminster that my happiness for others is totally dependant on how hard it has been for them and how many other 'real' troubles that they've got in their life. Closest friends who've had 2nd and 3rd was very happy for on the basis that a. I really like them and b. their 1st DS is severely disabled. And then I hate myself more for feeling like that and qualifying my genersoity on such grounds.

Even worse, I now find it hard to be sympathetic to oldest friend who's doing IUI and can't get pg, because she's only been trying 1 yr and hasn't been through everything we have. How sick is that ?

[Treats]

I'm signing up too. I'm ttc-ing my first and been trying for a year. In that same period of time, I've had no fewer than 11 friends give birth or announce a pregnancy.

It wasn't too bad to begin with - I just kept thinking "My turn next" - but it has started to really get to me. I've been quite honest with most of my close friends so thankfully we haven't had too many insensitive remarks. But the worst bit is when friends who've had babies try to be "helpful" and say "What you need to do is........" As if we didn't know!!!!

While it frustrates me that I've never been able to conceive, I do feel so sorry for those of you who've experienced mc's - especially multiple ones. I think it must be much harder for you to feel that sense of loss, than it is for me, who hasn't yet had anything to lose. If I do finally get a BFP I think I'll feel quite tormented - delighted to finally be pregnant but so afraid of how I'll feel if I should lose it. Sending my best wishes to you all.....

[Treats]

I meant to add that, even though I'm currently child-free, I'm not one of those who thinks that those who already have children should consider themselves 'lucky'. I can totally understand that ftc is always painful - even if you've already had a baby.

[ClairePO]

Treats 'what you need to do is....' makes me want to scream and scream and scream and say shut up you silly cow you have no fucking idea.

Best one was - 'what you need to do is. have sex every three days, it only took us 5 weeks to conceive that way' well there you go. The answer to all our prayers.

maidinamerica seven years

[fircone]

the worst that happened to me was a pregnant 'friend' saying "Go on, feel my bump, you can share it." Aaaaggghh! I didn't want her stupid bump. I wanted MY stupid bump!

[GordonTheGopher]

God maidinamerica my heart goes out to you. Wishing you all the best and welcome to the thread.

Welcome heytheregeorgiegirl, and treats.

Vent away ladies!

[GordonTheGopher]

My friend who was (and still is) 2 weeks pg ahead of me gave me a bottle of wine to show her sympathy for my mc last week. I know she meant well but it didn't half rub my face in it. She also keeps showing me her tummy and asking if it's getting bigger.

I did enjoy the wine tho!

[ClairePO]

GTG that's awful with the bump

People are so tactless yet you're scared that if you say something they'll treat you as a loon.