30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Bloody hell, Cho. I'm impressed. Are you our spiritual leader then? What is your title? Answers on a postcard please and they must be more creative than my offerings of the Dalai Besh and the Alpha Besh.

I'm hoping 7) will happen next weekend. Care to join?

Ommmmm. Now where is my saffron robe and razor?

This is Aries' final post from old fred:
What do we think of this?

uple-spent-60-000-IVF-family-Devotion-friends-said -unhealthy-obsession.html

Hi Ariadne I am a bit too 'beta' for leadership I am afraid!

Is there a BESHmeet next weekend? I am up norths thins coming weekend...

So sorry to miss all the Gaga drama - have everything, everything crossed for you for this afternoon lady (not allowed BESHcancdle in office :)).

Following on from last thread:

LoobyLou, problem I have found with the NICE guidance is that it is horribly out of date, so lots of places (like my hosp) no longer following it to the letter. If you look here it shows the kind of thing they are going to include in the next edition - which will not be published for couple more years. I couple of things I found interesting in that was

a) they had nenver intended a BMI of 30 to be a strict cut off, more of a guide - the cut-off is how the PCTs have chosen to interpret it

b) similarly with age, it just doesn't make sense that EVERY 38 year old will be less fertile (or less likely to respond well to treatment) than EVERY 32 year old - it entirely depends on the individual, of course. So in the next edition they may focus more on hormon profiles such as FSH and particularly AMH (which I don't think any of us have had yet?)

Also, and related to Salad's point about clomid, IIRC the current NICE guidance basically says "oh, give it a go", but more recent studies have shown that it doesn't help in unexplained fertility (and why would it? If you're ovulating, you're ovulating). I was on a thread about it just yesterday.

I think it can work in PCOS though, because people with that often aren't ovulating, so stil used as first line treatment in that case. Your friend was probably talking about metformin for overweight PCOSers. I think about 50% of women with PCOS are overweight, 50% not. I'm still not sure whether or not I have it - doc said yes and then, 2 years later, no .

FYI: This is the best thing I have ever seen. EVER.

Back in a bit.

Re IVF - er...they had 5 IVF cycles...BFD! How many times do normal couples shag in order to get pregnant - a few more than 5 times, and no one is calling them 'obsessive'.

This is really about money isn't it - these people paid £50k for their kids...is that what makes it obsessive? maybe they should have just spent the money on a 4x4, and got a dog???

I thought that article was revolting. In about the 2nd or 3rd para the journo twat was already daring to suggest that anyone else would have stopped at one and been damn grateful for it and only a selfish fool would want another child.

GAH! I just wrote THIS over in BESHory Towers: Nice one, GuruChoCho. But BESHies, let's fill this one up first.

GaGa, will be thinking of you constantly. Good luck for 2.15. BESHes, PESHes and FESHes across the country (and abroad) will be sending you whole kilowatts of love and luck... just hope it doesn't affect the machines wink). Am sure it will be fine - we're here for you.

BB, you weren't being daft. Oh, to be someone who can take baby-making for granted and be so light-hearted about it all sad angry envy

BTW, if it's OMG_TWINZ!1!!1!!!1!11!!! then what do we call triplets? HOLYFUCK-3OFTHEM??!!1!?!!!?1?11!! grin

PS Lovely Newbies, re: 'womble'. We have many fine terms for one's womb: Womble, Wimbledon Common, Wembley Arena, Ute, Joe Mangel...

Are we going to fill it up or just start on here

PS Cho, that opener had me bellowing with laughter. Bellowing, I tells ye! You iz a komeddi jeaniuss!

Fab opening Cho. Verily the BESH is with us indeed

Some ideas (8) for the Commandments:

Thou shalt have no other conception thread but the BESH.

If a twat shall maketh tactless comments about thy age, fertility or lack of baybee, thou must smiteth them with the deadly voice of a harpy. Or slaughtereth them, whichever is appropriate. Do not forgive them, even if they know not what they do.

Thou shalt covet thy neighbour's insta-diff and Bugaboo.

Thou shalt give thanks to the Goddess Zita West, hallowed be her name.

Thou shalt read our holy tomes: TCOYF, The Infertility Cure, The Baby-Making Bible and Heat magazine.

Pierceth thineself with the needles of Acupuncture, yea verily as though wearing a crown of baby-making thorns.

Do not flinch from chastising thy sisters-in-arms with novelty erotiviolence; spare the sexy beating and spoil the BESH.

Other women do become full with child easily for the sole purpose of mocking thee and thy wizened eggs and brokened womb.

Obvy, we don't have to choose all of 'em. Whaddaya fink, laydeez?

Cho we iz not worthy. Comedy genius!

A little bit of wee just came out Scorps... vey good. Love the opening Cho, I think it spells out perfectly the nature of the palais.

Drom I know I'm a bit late with the driving stories but here are a select few:-

1. First accident. Car in front broke, indicated right and came to a stop. I didn't. But but but it wasn't really my fault as the accelerator cable jammed on open and the brakes didn't work and I actually accelerated into stationary vehicle. I had a bit of whip lash, passenger friend broke a nail. Car written off.
2. Parked car in work car park. During the day it snowed. At 5pm had absolute meltdown as someone had stolen my car. It was just buried under 3 inches of white fluffy stuff and I didn't recognise it.
3. Also lost car in ikea and waitrose car parks.
4. Second accident. A motorbike drove into the side of my car. Apparently he did not see me.
5. Just got car back from repair shop after the motorbike incident. Driving along A39 doing about 80mph, beautiful sunny day, on way home from work. Singing along to radio, trying to light a fag whilst looking at my favourite view of the cornish coast, failed to notice column of traffic in front had stopped. Again, this was due to someone having the NERVE to indicate right. Bastards. Broke, but it was too late and hit car in front (nowhere else to go due to oncoming traffic) doing about 60. That one really hurt. Car written off. Spend 18 months visiting chiropractor.
6. Driving along, minding my own business when some girl decides that I am invisible and pulls out of a side road. Car spun 180 degrees, yet more whiplash and loads more money spent on chiropractic treatment. Car written off.
7. Filled up TG's audi with unleaded fuel. Twice. It take diesel.
8. Reversed out of friend's drive, after she warned me about tightness of turning and closeness of neighbours wall. Hit wall.
9. Rush out of house with baby, late for appt at the vets. Rush rush rush. Pull out of drive. Realise the dog is still in the garden.

There must be many many more.... like the time I dropped a motorbike on my foot during a lesson. The time I ran boyf's car out of fuel. The many many times I've hit the bumpers on the audi because I cannot tell how long it is. Oh yes, and the most recent one...

Builder has started work on barn conversion next to ours. They have put up those big metal barriers along edge of our drive, blocking the bit we used to use as a turning circle. Builders had only just finished putting up fence and were stood around admiring their work and drinking tea. I rushed out with Boo, late for something as usual. Put car in reverse. Reversed straight into fence. Knocked it over. Cue much taking of piss from builders and big scratches all over the back of my car.

Not sure I should really be let out alone, or indeed admit to these little faux pas.

Is it 'broke' or 'braked'?

Don't blame your incontinence on my jokes, Pooface

"Pierceth thineself" HAR!

OfficeSnort at marvellous new fred; in particular at the choice phrase "apply tape to the lady gardn" - tis genius I tell thee

Poo I don't know where you live but I never want to be a pedestrian there.

Now Scorps don't you dare insinuate that my pelvic floor muscles aren't up to scratch - after the seeing to you gave me in that alley, you know full well they are like iron.

Oh really, it is ok Owlie. I only tend to hit inanimate objects these days, or very gently nudge other cars with bumper. I have also hit a badger and a deer, but definitely no people. Honest guv.

Liking the new place although I'm sure I'm not nearly enlightened enough to be here. I will however try for a better attendance record than I managed at BESHory towers.

The thing with articles like that one is that you only ever seem to hear the success stories. Whatever you think of how much money they spent, they've got their 2 kids, which is obviously great. What about the people who spend that kind of money with no success, who end up both heartbroken and broke? It worked out for them, but it won't for everyone, and I guess stories like that might give people hope to keep carrying on when really they should stop. Hope's obviously a good thing, we all need it to cope with this at all, but I know from watching friends further through this journey that for some people there comes a point where you have to say now's the time to stop, grieve for what you're never going to have and work out how to move on to the next phase of life, whether that's childlessness, adoption or whatever.

(Not saying anyone here's at that stage by the way, and I'd always offer support to people in the decisions they made because ultimately it's everyone's choice to make).

And of course the Daily Mail take is never going to be a helpful one.

Oooh, Polly, I know you have a pelvic floor to put a Thai Ping Pong Show Girl to shame, but I don't want the others to find out and want a go on you too

Bleeeurgh, I feel a bit sick after mistakenly drinking Cass's wee at the end of the last fred

I think that if the IVF couple can afford it then it's no-one else's bidniz if they chose to spend it on IVF. I mean, what could they spend it on that could ever be better than having a family? And if they didn't have kids, it'd probably just get passed onto some random undeserving 3rd cousin who they only met twice, etc. (would be nice to think it'd go to a philanthropic cause but I bet it wouldn't).

Occie, your point is v sage. I personally can't think of deciding ever to stop TTC without weeping hot, snotty tears. So I won't.

Gah, have got to struggle with a massive box almost as big as myself to carry it the 10 min walk to the P.O. Sending back the vile, ill-advised ASOS cape monstrosity. Why do they have to send everything in such giant boxes?

Poll, I will also be posting your cardnpressie which I gave to TYF to post Saturday morning and which I found in a drawer about 20 mins ago Bloody MENZ!

Sorry, but is hopefully better late than never (also my TTC motto, hurhur).

I am snorting at the image of Scorps walking along with huge cape monstrosity in a box. I don't think my thoughts are pure enough to join the temple of BESH but I will do my best.

Ooo, missed the Commandments from Scorps further up. All are excellent and have caused more office-snorting

Cass Splendid thread filling there; what ho. Cannot believe term is already over at BESHory towers. Is it time for the SUmmer Holidays yet?