For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

(421 Posts)
mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 14:06:16

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 15:06:05

BiscuitsandBaileys i am glad you found the new thread.I feel exactly the same as you.On the outside i appear to be ok ,but inside i am in such despair.In a few weeks it will be a whole year ,but it all seems like yesterday in my mind.I have no idea where the last few months have gone.I find myself re-thinking over things again and again.Was mum scared . did she feel pain,how she never got to say goodbye to any of us becasue it was all so unexpected,all these things plague me constantly and then of course i get upset all over again.The morning she died i had been in the shop to buy her a bag of her favourite sweets which i intended to take her that afternoon.Within an hour of me buying them ,mum had suddenly died.I still gave them to her because i put them in her coffin.Now i cant buy those particular sweets without thinking of my mum all over again and that awful day.Everything revolves around her.No matter what i am doing or who i am with ,my mum is in my mind constantly.It is all so sad and i miss her so much.As you can see by everyone on this thread we all experience very similar things.There are a lot of very hurt people on Mumsnet.

Am very glad to find this thread. So many people hurting sad

My dear Mum died in February from lung cancer. It was a dreadful shock as she was fighting so hard and everyone treating her was so upbeat about her progress. Turns out it had spread everywhere and she had no chance at all. Am so cross with the hospital for not warning us so we could make plans/discuss things. I feel like there was so much left unsaid...

My dh was fantastic during mums illnesses, I couldn't have managed as she lived 200 miles away and I often had to leave things and just go. But I do feel like I'm expected to be OK now and just get on with things. It was my birthday at the weekend and I spent most of the day sobbing, it was so hard. Oh well, one 'first' over and done with. mummylin I'm going to go and try to find an old card from Mum - you're right, it's the gap of no 'To my daughter' which really hurts.

I think I didn't really know what it felt to be bereaved and it's made me realise that maybe I behaved as my friends are now, so I've made a point of checking up on friends who I know have gone through this.... Hope it helps a little!

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 16:57:50

maybeyoushoulddrive I hope you can find a card from your mum ,it made me feel so much better and one of my brothers is going to do it this xmas time too.I also have a rose bush which one of my brothers got me.It is the same name as my mum and is very fragrant.It now has pride of place in my garden.For anyone looking for a special rose there is a very good rose grower called david Austin/ Austen,This is where he got mine from.Its another little link to my mum.I think its such a shame when we dont get to say the things we want / need to say to our loved ones.But maybe if we say them in our mind somehow it will get through to them.I dont know ,i just hope.

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 17:02:43

My mum used to talk about " when im not here anymore " and i hated to hear it and would tell her to stop talking about it ,as even the thought of it used to upset me.My mum would be very happy with me this week because i managed to find a home for her knitting machine !! She knew i wouldnt want it and used to worry about who could have it,I put it on mumsnet local and a very nice mumsnetter came and collected it. I know mum would be very glad it now has a good home. And i also got to meet another mumsnetter !

lovemydogs Tue 02-Oct-12 18:54:02

hi everyone - lots of love to you all and hope you are all doing ok today. I am in the middle of the administration of my dad's estate and just sold the family home where I grew up. That was another loss of sorts. Sometimes I think I am obsessed, other times I feel I am just grieving normally. My dogs have helped me get through so far - they are always so pleased to see me and having them has changed my life - truly.
xxxx

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 22:38:10

That in itself is quite stressful isnt it lovemydogs we had to sell my mums bungalow and i found it very upsetting ,especially when the sold board went up.I have not been down my mums road since.I just cant do it.I would hate to see anyone else in her front garden.

The card is up mummylin and it does help, thank you for suggesting itthanks

lovemydogs - great name btw - my dog is such a comfort. He's always loving and ready for a hug. He seems to sense when I'm struggling and is just there IYKWIM?

Selling the house must have been such a wrench - be kind to yourself, it's hard to see the world moving on and changes happening. Dad is still living in their house, which brings its own mixed emotions. It's hard to visit and see all Mums things there, I seem to cry most when I'm there... Goodness knows how Dad manages - I'm hoping he finds it a comfort, he certainly is against moving out!

BiscuitsandBaileys Wed 03-Oct-12 11:21:14

The card is a lovely idea, it's my birthday this month so I will do the same. I knew I kept old cards in the loft for a reason, not just because I'm a hoarder!
Thanks for your reply mummylin. I'm feeling better today, just a bit of a down day yesterday. I also go over and over things in my head, more so lately. The same as you, did she suffer? Was she scared? Most importantly for me, did she hear all the things my dd's told her a few hours before she died, I so hope so sad
Hope everyone is ok today x

Solo Wed 03-Oct-12 11:36:21

I spent several years finding old receipts lying around and checking the dates on them...if they were pre Dad's terminal cancer news, I'd be thinking 'that was when life was ok' or I'd be thinking of what I was doing/buying at that time etc; really odd behaviour. I find myself touching Dad's handwriting on things...it's all part of grief I guess.

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:37:48

Glad that the cards will bring you a bit of comfort.I am getting quite edgy as on the 17th of this month my siblings ,dh and my mum went to Barcelona for 5 days .I know on that day that i will also be re-living those few days.We came back on the 21st.Little did we know what was coming just 9 days later.But i will remember one funny incident.My mum said she was going to stay in the hotel to read etc so the rest of us went for a walk.Coming back near the hotel there was a street band playing this lovely music,i looked and there was our mum jigging away in a crowd of people.It was so funny ,especially as she had said she was tired !!! i will remember that always.She looked so happy.

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:43:08

Solo i do exactly the same .In fact dh opened a jar of beetroot the other day which mum had done for him and i wanted to keep the jar as it had mum's fingerprints on it !! I have lots of scraps of paper too with her scribblings on them.I also have something very special.I have a lock of her hair which i took whilst at the chapel of rest.I put it in my gold locket.But now of course i wont wear the locket in case i lose it ! Dh has suggested I split the hair and get another locket but i really want to keep the hair as it is.

ByTheWay1 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:45:48

Hi - not my dad - but my FIL ( like my dad since mine died a while ago) died last month - it is hard.....

he was old and infirm - basically had come to the end of his life and just switched off - he was surrounded by family , he fell asleep in front of the TV after a nice lunch and did not wake - it was, I suppose, as "nice" a death as anyone could hope for - but it makes it so hard to grieve as everyone just says -" it was his time, he did not suffer" etc...

but as I read in a card - It is ironic how the presence of an absence can be so devastating.....

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:50:32

BiscuitsandBaileys I am quite sure that your mum would of heard anything that was said to her.I believe that the hearing is one of the last senses to go.After all when people are in a coma you are encouraged to carry on talking to them as normal.So yes your mum probably heard everything.
maybeyoushoulddrive i bet your card now has pride of place ! Its a little thing but it means a lot dosent it.Anything which brings us a bit closer to our loved ones has to be for the good.

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:54:58

hello ByTheWay1 yes i too have had several people say to me that if they could go like my mum they would be happy.But to be honest it still dosent make me feel any better.Of course i am glad that my mum didnt suffer with a bad illness and grateful for that.But the shock was enormous and i dont think i will ever get over this.It sounds like you had a lovely realtionship with your FIL

Solo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:03:20

A friend of mine found a piece of toilet tissue in her Mum's bedroom whilst clearing her house sad. It had lipstick blot marks on it smile the other person that was helping, picked it up and threw it in the bin, my friend rescued it and has it in a pretty frame in her own bedroom now; a lovely thing to have.

lovemydogs Wed 03-Oct-12 13:09:09

maybeyoushoulddrive - sounds similar to my dad - lost mum first to cancer and dad wanted to stay in the house - even when he became very frail and poorly 2 years ago he wanted to stay there so gave up work - promised him would do all I could to keep him in there but it was tough and he was a real hoarder - could hardly get in some of the rooms and I ended up with about 100 kitchen rolls new ha ha.

Bytheway - my dad died in his sleep - was not unexpected but still a shock - he wanted to die - he was very frail, so small and thin and had said he wanted to go. I saw him in his coffin - something I did not do with my mum. And the funeral was fantastic - played "You'll never walk alone" - every time I hear it now I choke up but he was a big Celtic fan and it seemed fitting. It's his birthday in a couple of weeks.

I have all sorts of things that were my parents, even things like their old shopping lists and cards I gave them when I was a child. Have lots of photos including their wedding and will collage them when I am up to it.

love to you all I hope you are all doing ok today xxxx

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 16:42:07

Isnt it strange how what some people would call rubbish or even we may have done ourselves,now becomes a treasure to us.

ssd Wed 03-Oct-12 20:21:00

hi, hate to join in with this thread but have no choice

mum died 4 weeks ago, am in limbo

cant leave the past alone, am living in it constantly

maybe its because the present feels so strange and wrong

there are so many posts here I agree with, sorry to not point them all out, but they are there

I feel like the world has turned on its axis and everything is out of balance, every last thing

although I'm stuck in limbo land, I know she has moved on, she has moved on to the next world and isn't in my world anymore, its something I feel definite about

I know she wont come back, she cant

but hopefully she'll send me wee signs to let me know shes still there for me, she sent me one last Sat night and I was so enormously grateful

its an awful awful time and I send hugs to all of us here

shallweshop Wed 03-Oct-12 22:06:34

ssd, so very sorry ((())) I lost my mum 6 years ago and my dad in April. Life is never the same after the loss of a parent as you are realising but it is so lovely that you are getting some sense of your mum still being there for you. I felt that strongly about my mum and dad back in the summer when I had an important decision to make - they were certainly there helping me. Please be kind to yourself and keep posting on here when you need to. Love and hugs. xx

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 23:07:08

Hi ssd Im glad you have come over to this thread now.as you can see there are lots of us in the same sort of situation so hopefully it will help you to see how we are all doing and for you to realise that what you are coping with is quite normal.Of course you are devastated.We completely understand that.Do join us and we will try and help you through,in fact we must all help each other.
shallweshop it sounds awful to say welcome to our thread,but i hope you know what i mean.Unlike most of us you have had the horror of losing both parents as have a couple of people on this thread.I really dont know how you get through it all.

Oh ssd it's such early days for you. I felt every one of the emotions you're feeling, it's such a strange other worldly time, when you've got to sort out practical stuff without the person who would usually be the one you'ld talk things through withsad Are you getting any support in RL?

Sending ((())) to everyone on this thread and brew too - one of the last things my Mum said to us was 'be generous with cups of tea, you never know when someone is in desperate need of one but are too proud to ask' so if you're drowning under offers of tea from random strangers you might have met dsis or megrin

shallweshop I can't imagine the pain of losing both parents, how lovely that you have felt their presence so strongly and of course they both live on inside you. xx

BadRoly Wed 03-Oct-12 23:25:51

Another newbie to this thread sad My Dad died in May, 4 days after dh's stepfather. It was a fairly unpleasant time. Day's birthday is looming, he would be 70 this month 3 days before my birthday. The children want to celebrate my birthday. I don't but am going out with good friends anyway. It's crap. Just crap. I just want my Dad back sad

BadRoly Wed 03-Oct-12 23:28:17

Sorry, I went a but it's all about me. I have read all the thread but am on the phone so didn't note names this time. Except SSD I think we were both on a thread? But I'm so sorry any of us have to be here, especially those who have lost both parents.

Solo Thu 04-Oct-12 00:35:01

Ssd they do stay with us I think. They are in our hearts and our memories. And thank goodness for the photograph! I can't imagine not being able to look at my Dad's kind face.

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