anyone is grieving for a parent

(829 Posts)
2shoes Sat 20-Nov-10 23:40:24

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

Haribojoe Sun 26-Dec-10 20:49:13

Having found the last few weeks difficult yesterday was actually okay. Though I think a lot of that is because the day is all about the children and you don't really have time to think about much else.

Hope it wasn't too hard for the rest of you (if that's possible).

Ladyblablah - since my DM died and family fell apart (now have virtually no contact with my family) DH often says that my Mum was obviously all that held the family together.

I think it's just a shame that none of them felt they could offer some support to me whilst caring singlehandedly for my Mum at home and then through the grieving process. Still I can't change that.

Thinking of you all.

FiveColdRingsForSolo Thu 30-Dec-10 01:08:22

How are you all doing?

aristocat Thu 30-Dec-10 14:12:02

Five xmas wasnt too bad for me however it is my birhday on NYDay and that is always difficult sad

LoveBeingADaddysGirl Thu 30-Dec-10 14:21:39

Hello all

my dad passed away a few days after this thread started so it's been a tough few weeks, I also had a mc a week after dad died. Not sure why I'm posting really, so hello and I will be back.

FiveColdRingsForSolo Thu 30-Dec-10 15:09:39

Aristo, glad Christmas was bearable. Fingers crossed for the 1st.

LBADG, so sorry for your loss. It must be very raw. Come back when you are ready as I'm sure you'll find some support and comfort here.
Take care.x

Haribojoe Thu 30-Dec-10 15:24:07

five doing okay, stepdad being a pain but have come to accept that he is not going to change.

LBADG so sorry for your loss, thinking of you.

Am hoping New Year isn't too painful, worked last New Years Eve which made things better but am on maternity leave this year so no such distraction.

FiveColdRingsForSolo Thu 30-Dec-10 15:35:45

Family cn be both a comfort and a pain can't they...

Haribojoe Thu 30-Dec-10 15:41:08

IME they can also be downright nasty, I console myself with the fact that they have to live with how they behave and I just let it wash over me now.

LittlePushka Thu 30-Dec-10 23:40:21

Hello LovebeingaDaddysgirl. Sorry to hear about your sad sad news. Hope that you finding some peace my lovely. x

whitecloud Sat 01-Jan-11 13:36:49

I was ill all over Christmas and did not have to spend it with dh's family. They are all still together and I find it really, really hard now I have lost both parents. Lying in bed and listening to Radio 4 was a relief really and I felt less alone and sad than if I had been with others and had to put a good face on things for their sake. Hope you all got through Christmas somehow.

Haribojoe Sat 01-Jan-11 19:14:46

whitecloud hope you're feeling better.

Know what you mean about being around other families, DH insisted on having his family round to celebrate DS2 birthday a week after my Mum died.

Watching all his family together is the loneliest I've ever felt, and when you try to explain it most people just don't understand.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl Sun 02-Jan-11 12:52:35

A friend has just text me doesn't live near me, and it's all set me off, hadn't sent her ds a Xmas present and I feel so awful now can't stop crying cause I've told her how I'm feeling but feel bad that I'm offloading onto someone who can't do anything.

Sexonlegs Sun 02-Jan-11 17:58:03

My mum died just 2 days ago on New Years Eve.
Although it was expected, I am utterly knocked sideways.

She had battled so bravely against bowel cancer which had spread, since October 2008.

I was there when she died and was able to say goodbye.

I feel overwhelmed with sadness, and feel so utterly exhausted.

Just wanted to say I am sorry for everyone who has lost a loved one.

NewYearNewSolo Sun 02-Jan-11 18:07:35

Sexonlegs. I'm so sorry for you.
It really doesn't matter how expected a death is, it's never easy to accept it when it is someone you love so much. So glad though, that you were with her. That was important to me, to be there so that Dad was not alone.

grumpypants Sun 02-Jan-11 18:11:31

Hi all. Can I join? Although I can't really talk about it blush My dad died when I was 16 and on a school trip. I missed him when I got married, had dcs, everything. And now dh is older than he was when he died and that makes me sad. The awful thing is that sometimes I can't feel sorry for people whose dads died when they were much older because I am so jealous they got to see their dcs, what they made of their life. So, apologies as I know that's really unkind of me.

whitecloud Sun 02-Jan-11 18:47:52

Saxonlegs - thinking of you. Try to rest if you can - grief is so exhausting, especially in the first, raw days.

Grumpypants - my parents were old when they died but knowing the strength of my feelings when I have to be with dh's family, who have done nothing wrong, can understand how awful it makes you feel when others talk about their parents doing things with grandchildren etc. It must be really hard to be gracious about it. It has helped me to think that I can't help my feelings, even if they are not very kind. They are just there. Seeing the other family happy and busy makes me feel very jealous and aggrieved sometimes.
Haribojoe - am feeling better, thank you. Well done for getting through DS2's birthday. It is cruel that what were once happy occasions can become ordeals after a bereavement. I think a close bereavement changes everything and it is something that is done to you and you have no control over. Hope you are all coping somehow.

grumpypants Sun 02-Jan-11 18:51:19

Thank you WhiteCloud. I really regretted posting as I felt sure I was admitting to just being unkind. I know that it is hard to lose parents when you have had a longer time with them; it's just that I have so many blank spaces insted of memories.

The other day my I popped over to drop something at my bf's parents' house, and they invited us all in. i have known them since being a child. Her dad played for ages with my boisterous dcs and i was happy (obv) but also so sad for my dad.

NewYearNewSolo Sun 02-Jan-11 19:53:15

Grumpypants, it is brave of you to admit to your feelings, but I doubt many would be offended personally by that.
It really doesn't matter how old a loved one is when they pass, it's always but always too soon and they are always too young.
I recall an old school friend of mine losing her Mum at 11yo. We'd just gone into secondary school and it was a huge shock to all of us that knew her as I don't think she was very much into her 30's.
And whilst we're admitting things; I lost my first baby to MC and resented every pregnant woman in the world because of it. I don't believe it makes me a bad person, just a grieving person so don't be so hard on yourself.

MrsNonSmoker Mon 03-Jan-11 15:43:14

My Mum died of cancer this week in 1976. I can barely remember her. In those days it wasn't uncommon to be sent away to relatives and not see your parent before they died - I can't really remember the last day I saw her. it was also pretty much expected that no one spoke about it. I was 13, my aunt put me back on a coach from Birmingham to London on my own, and that was the end of that. There was no counselling, no support. I can hardly believe that's what really happened. I got used to not talking about her, my life was pretty grim before she died and even worse afterwards.

When I had my first child I started to have flashbacks and things have gotten to the stage now where I can hardly sleep, waking at night jsut going through it all in my mind over and over again, so I am going to try to get counselling. I've found it helpful to see other people's experiences, although obviously I wish none of us had those experiences to relate to iyswim. And of course, I completely see where Grumpypants is coming from.

Sexonlegs Mon 03-Jan-11 18:01:13

Hello again.

Day 3 without Mum I thought I was doing ok. As Dad was coming to lunch I went to Waitrose to buy some lovely things and just kept seeing all these ladies who could have been my Mum's age or older. I was in a right state by the time I got home.

Hope everyone is ok.

trumpton Mon 03-Jan-11 18:14:57

SOL Just wanted to respond to your post.... I miss my mum so much and "saw " her the other day...it was strangely comforting. I felt I had a huge stone of grief sitting on my chest after I lost both my Mum and Dad so close together. The days move on and I promise you it does get easier....never goes away but does get easier.

Haribojoe Mon 03-Jan-11 19:31:37

SOL - so sorry for your loss. It was cancer that took my Mum, I cared for her at home and was with her when she died.

Be proud that you were with her and she was not alone.

I hope you are doing okay (if that's even possible) take each day as it comes and don't expect too much and look after yourself as much as you can.

Grumpypants - I don't think what you said is mean, it's your grief and that is how you feel.

Thinking of everyone

hannahsmum76 Mon 03-Jan-11 23:21:58

hello everyone

this is my first post.
im mum to 2 boys and had my little girl july 2010.
i the may 2010 we found out mum had cancer of the gullet-because of her age and health op was not possible or radio therapy and they said chemo would not add much time and make her really ill.she was my best friend and i miss her sooo much.

as i was 7 months pregnant at the time-it really knocked me for 6-straight after my daughters birth i began having severe panic attacks-and depression-it got very bad i was given valium....
we knew it was coming but still did not expect it-nov 2010 she passed away.....am still struggling to come to terms with it......
i am trying to look after my 80 year old dad/my 9 year old has autism,have an 8 year old and 5 month old daughter -my husband been very supportive............at least she got to meet our daughter before she went.

today -a home pregnancy test showed positive and im late for my period...........to say im very scared is an understatement......i feel that all my energy has been sucked out of me....and im worried about coping.....my husband is very supportive...but i felt very traumatised by my little girls birth because of my state of mind-about my mum...at the time....that it really has put me off going through it all again.......am going to try see gp in morning to discuss it....its not that the baby wouldnt be wanted its just would we all be able to manage and cope

grumpypants Tue 04-Jan-11 10:10:07

hannahsmum - hope you can make a decision you feel ok about. Sorry you are having tough time.

thanks all for the reassurance. tbh now i am nearly dad's age it's almost worse - i know how young grin he was to die, and how unfinished his life was.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl Tue 04-Jan-11 10:54:45

Just a quickie via my phone.

Today is awful everyone at work is asking about Xmas and new year but can't say how it was really, I feel terrible cause it like I am dismissing how much I missed him and what a horrible time I actually had.

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