Remembering with love all our departed brothers and sisters – “The angel inside us”.

(236 Posts)
dejavuaswell Wed 19-Jan-11 09:04:36

My sister Jane died on 24th October 1992. We never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something.

Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table and my younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.

After many years of hardly mourning her death Christmas 2010 was really difficult for me. I had such strong images of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend were that it has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.

When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.

This thread follows on from this very moving one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/641812-For-Jonny- and-all-our-darling-departed-sisters-and-brothers

lookout Sun 26-Oct-14 19:21:51

Pudding sooo pleased for you that Stephen's bench has finally been sorted. Must be a weight off your mind, and good to have that done. It is good to get those milestones done. Very frustrating that it took so long to sort out, but at last it finally is.

October = lots of hugs being sent out for bereaved siblings xx

lookout Sun 26-Oct-14 19:16:43

foofooyeah yes, I feel guilty often. For many and different reasons. I wish I had called him more often, especially after he as mugged in Leeds. I might have persuaded him to come back home. Amongst other things. We did silly simple stuff too. He was the best at making something ordinary into something extraordinary. I remember an afternoon spent reading the map book of the British Isles and outdoing each other with the silly place names we could find. Or the most ridiculous piss-taking dance moves he would make up for his girlfriend. I miss that kind of thing.

foofooyeah Fri 10-Oct-14 06:08:10

pudding I am so pleased to hear you finally have the bench and headstone sorted for Stephen.

Does anyone else suffer from guilt and think if they had done more been there more, their sibling might still be around? I miss Charlotte dreadfully, I sometimes think if she hadn't moved so far away or if I had taken control of her treatment she might still be here.
I was looking at old photos last night: we were always larking about. I miss those times and our ridiculousness, I just miss everything.

PuddingandPie1 Tue 30-Sep-14 16:18:02

I've just noticed that no fewer than 5 posters (out of 14) posters had a sibling who died in October. So spare a thought on October 14th,17th, 19th, 24th and 27th for Jenny, Jim, Matt, Jane and Helen.

PuddingandPie1 Tue 30-Sep-14 16:14:01

I've waited and waited and waited for everything to be sorted out before posting here. On Friday the memorial bench was installed and on Monday the new gravestone was erected and that part of my life finally has a full stop after it. It took, near enough, four months from first to last.

PuddingandPie1 Sat 16-Aug-14 17:37:24

Hello Lookout - I'm pleased that somebody has posted. It has been something of a saga getting Stephen's memorial bench sorted out and now it will not be in place until school returns in September. Ditto getting him a more informative gravestone in the church opposite "his" primary school. Church folk seem to move in ultra slow motion regardless of the upset it causes the bereaved.

lookout Fri 15-Aug-14 22:44:38

Pudding a bit late, but xxx

Still think of you all. No idea why tonight more than any other, but thought I would just pop in and wave. Hope you are all still being kind to yourselves as your siblings live on in your hearts.

We miss them everyday...

PuddingandPie1 Tue 27-May-14 18:31:40

PuddingandPie1: twin brother Stephen, birthday October 23rd, died 27th May 1964

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died 26th April 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Lookout: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday 9th March, died 17th October 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday 29th September, died 27th August 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died 19th October 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, birthday 14th November, died 29th January 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died 14th June 2012.

Serendipity16: brother David, birthday 22nd May, died 7th December 2012

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday 29th May, died 15th January 2013

Junewoony: sister Helen, birthday 31st October, died 27th October 2013

PuddingandPie1 Tue 27-May-14 18:29:15

By brother died of asthma 50 years today - there isn't anybody around who remembers Stephen apart from me so I thought the big wide world of Mumsnet was the place to put a message.

lookout Sat 04-Jan-14 20:05:59

Juney how are you getting on? How was your Christmas? Any luck on the counselling front?

I sometimes have moments when I think of all of you who have accompanied me over the years, and then I come and post. Another year begins without our siblings, and I actually found the turning of the new year harder than Christmas this year. I felt terribly guilty, because apart from a thought on Christmas morning, I was so wrapped up in my children's joy, cooking and drinking that I forgot to think about my brother much on Christmas day sad. I made up for it on NYE though. He would be 30 this year in March. He could be married by now. I am disgusted by the waste.

We also had a visit from a friend of his, before Christmas. It was lovely to know people are still thinking of him and miss him, but the things she said were very painful to hear. So may wonderful and personal memories, it just accentuates the bloody loss.

Thinking of you all xx

lookout Wed 04-Dec-13 13:18:40

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died 26th April 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Lookout: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday 9th March, died 17th October 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday 29th September, died 27th August 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died 19th October 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, birthday 14th November, died 29th January 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died 14th June 2012.

Serendipity16: brother David, birthday 22nd May, died 7th December 2012

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday 29th May, died 15th January 2013

Junewoony: sister Helen, birthday 31st October, died 27th October 2013

lookout Wed 04-Dec-13 13:14:23

I can identify with the younger sibling thing, my brother was 7 years younger than me, and I got on much better with him than with my closer-aged brother.

I don't have any experience with suicide, but do with grief, sadly. Are you able to access any appropriate counselling? I found it really helped me. It sounds like there is anger to deal with as well, understandably aimed at the mental health support system (or lack thereof). Talking about it can help so much. Can you talk about Helen with family/RL friends? If not, please do feel free to post. We've all unfortunately been through horrible losses and will be able to identify with some of how you feel.

Helen sounds lovely, so special to you, and that she was brave for a good long time. She must have felt desperate, and how hard for you to know she was sad, we hate to see the people we love suffer. How did you find her funeral? Was it helpful in any way?

Still such early days, the best advice I was given after my brother died was by someone on MN in fact, take it one hour at a time. You do whatever you need to do to get through that hour. Try not to look too far ahead. And keep talking, here, in RL, anywhere! We will certainly do our best to listen

Juneywoony Mon 02-Dec-13 06:18:15

Thanks lookout,

Helen was the youngest, I'm 36 and our brother is 30.

I was 8 and a half when she was born and loved mothering her, changing nappies etc. She was such a lovely baby and child.

As we got older the age difference seemed to get smaller and from her mid teens she would come out with me and we really got on, had the same sense of humour, swapped clothes and did the usual sister thing.
At the same time we would have our arguments and squabbles as siblings do, I think it was because our characters were just so similar.

Five and a half years ago her ex boyfriend of 6 years took his own life, they were the sort of couple who split up and got back together quite often. She blamed herself for his death and it just changed her as a person.

She tried to get on with life after a time and started a nursing degree, she eventually found another boyfriend who was such a lovely lad but it just didn't work out. She used to say to me that it just wasn't the same, she couldn't feel the same way about somebody else as she had with her first boyfriend. She had to quit her degree just as she had nearly completed her second year as the depression had taken over. Two years ago she moved to live near me and my family for a fresh start, she struggled terribly and the mental health services were involved. In July this year she moved back to our mums as she just couldn't cope. She had the crisis team visiting her daily for two months on suicide watch, why she wasn't put in hospital is beyond us all.

Sadly in the early hours of the 27th of October she had decided enough was enough, our poor brother found her at 7.30 am.

I don't feel any anger or blame towards her for doing this, the poor girl was ill and desperate, I do however feel immense anger towards the crisis team and the system for failing her and not providing her with adequate care she so desperately needed.

Rest in peace Helen 31/10/85 - 27/10/13

I miss you so much, xxxxx

lookout Sun 01-Dec-13 19:31:38

Juney, so sad sad. Was Helen your younger sister, were you close? I can completely understand your missing her, it is like losing a part of ourselves. Things are so raw for you right now, and in such tragic circumstances, I can only imagine your sadness. If you want to tell us about Helen, please do. Sending you strength for the days ahead, one at a time.

Juneywoony Sat 30-Nov-13 15:48:35

Hi I hope you don't mind me joining you all.

My dear sister Helen tragically took her own life on 27/10/2013 four days before her 28th birthday.

I miss her so much.

Juney, x

lookout Sat 30-Nov-13 09:12:59

popmusic84 even if you weren't close, you still suffer the effects of loss. Grief can catch up with us at the funniest of times, but being the only person left of your family must be understandably hard. Are you able to talk about it with anyone in RL? Are you marriage problems related to your grief or a separate issue, do you think? If you want to keep posting, please do. I will listen smile

popmusic84 Mon 18-Nov-13 02:45:48

Hi my sister died in 2010. We really weren't that close as she was so much older than me. However, I still feel so sad. I have lost my parents and a sibling and I feel so alone. My marriage is falling alart. So sorry to all suffering.

lookout Wed 13-Nov-13 19:54:19

I thought of this thread today and wanted to come on and say hello. I was tidying the shoe rack and came across the shoes Jonny was wearing at the time of the accident. We didn't get them back until a long time afterwards as they were in police evidence, and then there they were today. I couldn't help but hold them and cry.

Most of the time life moves along nicely, but sometimes I get an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss just wash over me. If ds2 hadn't have been here I'd have collapsed in a puddle for a while.

If any of you are still reading, I'm wishing you strength and peace for Christmas, it can be a really hard time of year xx

Binary Sun 21-Jul-13 11:04:28

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died 26th April 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday 9th March, died 17th October 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday 29th September, died 27th August 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died 19th October 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, birthday 14th November, died 29th January 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died 14th June 2012.

Serendipity16: brother David, birthday 22nd May, died 7th December 2012

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday 29th May, died 15th January 2013

With love to the regulars XX

Sparklyblue Wed 17-Jul-13 22:17:12

I'm still finding it really hard. It's been six months now and it's not getting any better.

foofooyeah Mon 08-Jul-13 07:49:49

by the way Binary my sisters birthday was 14th November

foofooyeah Mon 08-Jul-13 07:48:38

Hello everyone, haven't been on here for a while but had a really hard weekend. My sister Charlotte has been on my mind constantly - she loved the sunny weather and normally we would have been sat in the garden with her, with a paddling pool and wine laughing and larking about ... and Sunday would have been a blast with the tennis. I don't know about any of you but nobody else can understand the loss one feels - even the rest of my family - I just miss her dreadfully. Couldn't get to sleep last night for crying. Everyone expects you to be 'over it'

caffeineaddict Sat 06-Jul-13 14:59:45

Thanks for kind words lookout.
Binary - thats dreadful, but do understand about waves of emotion. A man at the bottom of my street was on top of ladder precariously repairing upstairs window. He saw me passing and shouted. ' How's yer sister, haven't seen her around'. Couldn't tell him that she was dead as was worried about dreadful accident - on the other hand couldn't say that she was fine (RIP!) Somehow saw the funny side of it though. But horrible to receive post etc. x

Binary Mon 01-Jul-13 15:50:46

I've tended to avoid sharing too many of my feelings about the death of my twin with the rest of the world. Even on Mumsnet I have felt uneasy about sharing my sadness. It is coming up to 4 years now since Caroline died and I still miss her so much. This week end I was out with my family having a good time when, with no warning, an enormous wave of emotion just seem to overwhelm me. What caused this? It was some total stranger shouting the name Caroline across the car park. Cruelly and almost unbelievably I still get post addressed to her. Last Saturday it was from the man who used to come once a year to sharpen the blades of her lawnmower. In April it was a slightly grumpy letter from a former school friend who "hadn't heard from you in ages" . Sometimes it is really hard to cope. sad

With love to the regulars. XX

lookout Thu 30-May-13 20:04:43

caffeine! Still going, but very slowly. I am still struggling along too (much like the thread grin). My heart goes out to you xx

Five years ago my youngest brother Jonny died from injuries sustained in a hit and run. He was 24. Today I was brave until the kids went to bed and now I can't stop crying. I will never stop missing him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now