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AIBU?

for not wanting sil to film dd1 in the bath

171 replies

kreamkrackers · 19/05/2007 19:31

dp's sil is a lesbian and i have no problem with that but she insisted on filming dd1 in the bath and dp let her. she lives quite far away so we don't see her often. she didn't want to film dd2 so it strikes me as odd that she wanted to film dd1 and dp wouldn't stand up to her saying it must be innocent and he doesn't want to upset her by saying no. she hasn't filmed them playing but has taken a couple of pictures of them.

i bathed dd2 and then ran the bath for dd1 and was in the girls bedroom when i told dp i put extra bubbles in to hide her bits on film. forgot the baby monitor was on and sil heard everything but she didn't say anything. it stills seems odd that she stilled filmed her despite of what she must have heard. she isn't a good person in general and if i had my way she'd never see the girls (she takes drugs, drinks, sleeps with anyone, cuts herself and displays the marks).

there is another reason why she might have filmed her, she is a very depressed person and seeks a lot of attention. dd1 has had heart surgery and has a gastrostomy. she might want people to feel sorry for her by somehow using the film of her. she has never been there for us when we almost lost dd1 through her heart condition and still isn't there for us now so i don't want people to feel sorry for her.

really feel like i don't know what to do now. she's gone back now but i feel sick knowing she has dd1 on film in the bath.

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kreamkrackers · 19/05/2007 19:37

sorry shouldn't say dp's sil cause it's his sister (well step sister) she's my sil!

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VoodooMama · 19/05/2007 19:40

oh dear, at least now you know how you feel for certain for next time she asks, if you get my drift.
Try not to worry, 99% it is totally thoughtlessly innocent.
Just think of some tactful reasons to say no next time and get dp on side!

lulumama · 19/05/2007 19:42

don;t think her being a lesbian is an issue

but taking drugs, drinking etc is a worry

what do you think she is going to do with the film?

can you or DH talk to her?

i would not want film of my kids done by anyone i couldn;t trust implicitly, to not put it 'out there'....

madoldcatlady · 19/05/2007 19:42

It sounds like your SIL needs alot of help.

I wouldn't be worried about the film. There's a big difference between lesbian and paedophile.

Spidermama · 19/05/2007 19:42

I wouldn't want anyone but me and dh filming my kids in the bath. They need their privacy. I would just say, 'No don't film them in the bath please. Would you like to be filmed in your bath?'

BUT the fact she is a lesbian has absolutely nothing to do with it.

I DO feel really sorry for your SIL as she is obviously have some real emotional difficulties (self harming ect) and gets a hostile reaction from you.

pinballwizard · 19/05/2007 19:43

well it's done now and i wouldn't worry about it any more.

But next time try to be a bit more assertive and say no if someone suggests something you really aren't comfortable about

you don't have to have a reason...your apprehension is enough

take care

Aimsmum · 19/05/2007 19:45

Message withdrawn

KaySamuels · 19/05/2007 19:45

Did she ask in advance of your dd getting in the bath, you agreed even tho you were uncomfortable with it, then overheard you and still filmed her? Wierd.
Why did you not feel comfortable saying no to this? She is your daughter, next time say no you are not comfortable with it.
At my son's jumping jacks class the whole group is asked permission before any parents get their cameras out, and these are fully clothed children!! I think in this day and age you should not feel uncomfortable saying no to someone filming your daughter in the bath!!

allgonebellyup · 19/05/2007 20:01

so what if she is gay??????????????????????????????????????????

kreamkrackers · 19/05/2007 20:08

i find it hard to say no to her. i don't get on well with her she talks non stop about people she slept with etc to me. we just clash but i can't help the way i feel about her. i know she has lots of problems to show off her self harming scars to people, most people would cover it up.

she is seeing a psychologist and should be on medication but she doesn't take it.

because of all her problems i don't know what she'll do with the film. i know i should have thought more at the time instead of being left to feel like this.

i know it's my fault for letting it happen. we've been through so much as a family, i try not to upset dp and he doesn't like to upset his sister. i should have told her straight i'm not comfortable with it but i didn't. it'll look really bad if we phone her now and tell her how i feel.

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kreamkrackers · 19/05/2007 20:10

i don't mind her being a lesbian. i said that already. it's just to let people see the whole picture of her. sorry for pointing it out if you all think it's uneccessery, i wasn't sure if it was or wasn't.

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Judy1234 · 19/05/2007 20:29

I would normally say fine but she sounds a very dubious sort of person so I'm not surprised you weren't happy.

I don't have problems with nudity and my children have been naked on beaches when very little but she's a drug user, cut herself etc so it just doesn't feel right. I don't think either of you should have agreed.

moondog · 19/05/2007 20:31

Oh for Christ's sake...

StinkyPete · 19/05/2007 20:34

did you say how old dd is?

allgonebellyup · 19/05/2007 20:39

exactly, moondog..

elasticbandstand · 19/05/2007 23:07

is she 3?

elasticbandstand · 19/05/2007 23:10

are you generlaly worried around her, not being on her medicaiton?

DevilsAdvocado · 19/05/2007 23:59

I can't say i'd want anyone auntie or not, filming my dd in a bath.

mummytosteven · 20/05/2007 00:28

agree with Devil's Avocado.

UCM · 20/05/2007 00:32

I haven't read entire thread but I will start off by saying that I have filmed my children in the bath. Me. Thats it. I wouldn't let anyone other than me take photos or film. Even the scrapbook I have been doing for my children has their bits cut out. But my personal photo albums have a couple in all their glory, ready to blow up onto a poster at their 18th birthdays.

mamazon · 20/05/2007 00:38

her sexuality has nothing to do with it. her self harming and general attention seekign nature would be a worry as you say that she are concerned she may use the video for this purpose.

tbh i dont know what you can do about it now as you haev allowed her to take the film.

uif you were uncomfortable about it then you should have said something then, you shouldn't allow anything to happen to/with your children you are not entirely happy with. offending an adult is always preferable to placing a child in a vulnerabel situation

UCM · 20/05/2007 00:57

Definitely Mamazon

kreamkrackers · 20/05/2007 09:59

yes dd1 is 3. i know i shouldn't have let this happen. i was thinking about it a lot in bed last night. she is definetely the kind of person who would use this to make excusses for her self harming and other destructive ways. she has had loads of help from so many people. i don't think she filmed her for any other reason now, i think i was just jumping to the wrong conclusion at first as i am so over protective of my children.

i was sexually abused myself when i was only a couple of years older and i think i listened to dp being ok with it because deep down at the time i thought it must be to do with my past why i'm feeling like this. i've taken pictures of the girls in the bath but have always showed from waist up.

i think if she asks again dp will definetly say no this time as he now knows how much this has upset me. i feel so stupid for not standing up to her myself, i never stand up to people no matter what i always end up crying about things later. i really do need to become a stronger person for the sake of my girls.

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pinballwizard · 20/05/2007 10:04

I think you could find a class for assertiveness training or a self help book....I always think it would benefit me but I talk myself into being more assertive than I am naturally (naturally I'm a doormat)

perhaps you could practice on mn!

good that you have been able to discuss it with dp and he is supportive

I'm sure it will be ok, but do try to put a high price on your own feelings

and you don't need to give people reasons, if you want a certain outcome then your opinion in this kind of sitution is good enough no question

kreamkrackers · 20/05/2007 10:08

thanks for the advice, i think it's really made me think now and i really will need to do something about this.

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