To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

[KindergartenKop]

Maybe try only drinking on the weekend? Or every other day?

[SleepFreeZone]

Could you not try and get better for your children's sake? I know mine are s huge motivating factor to be the best person and Mother I can be.

[Suppermummy02]

You aren't an awful person, you cant do this on will power alone. I dont have any answers.

'Hit rock bottom' is a crap saying.

If you find any answers please share as the world would love to solve this addition.

Lots of love.

[GrabtharsHammer]

I've tried just drinking on the weekends and had a fair bit of success with it, but it makes me cocky so I'll have a Wednesday bottle of wine because I've done so well.

My kids are my priority but I still justify my drinking. There's a whole cognitive dissonance there. I think it doesn't affect them so it doesn't affect them.

I feel like I'm broken and then I get self destructive, thinking I've fucked it all up anyway so what's one more drink.

I'm a mess.

[Suppermummy02]

PS, Non addicts have no idea what its like, so here isn't a good place to look for answers.

[GrabtharsHammer]

Thank you supper.

One of my groups is mainly older 'middle class' sahms. We all drink to varying degrees but all want to stop. It's quite comforting, in a way, than its so common. Scary though.

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

Grab I hear ya. I know I need to seriously reduce my drinking but I love the buzzed feeling. Not physically addicted ie I can go without for days, /weeks if I need to but I still love the feeling of the first (double) gin hitting my empty stomach x

[Suppermummy02]

it has to be an empty stomach

[Graceflorrick]

I really enjoy the odd glass of red wine, I love the taste of it and the relaxed feeling. However, for me, as I'm drinking it I think abut potential health implications and studies that link alcohol with cancer, degenerative liver and organ impact. Personally it kills the enjoyment for me. I want to be healthy and live to see my DC get old and have a family, for me that aspiration is more important than enjoying more than the occasional glass of red wine. Perhaps you could read around the health implications so that you're fully aware of what that amount of alcohol will be doing to your body.

[Thatsnothername]

You are very brave to open up about your feelings.
I hope you find the answer you are looking for.
Do the long term health worries scare you enough to action?
Do you drive on the school run? (I know someone who did that's all)

[ispymincepie]

I have a friend who was exactly like you regarding the drinking, the bipolar etc....in fact I'd have thought you were her except that a few months ago her dh finally had enough and left. He took the children. You need to change something for everyone's sake but you have to figure out why sober feels so jagged and painful. Good luck.

[QuiteLikely5]

you put your own needs above your family when you consume alcohol throughout the day all day everyday.

You are lucky that you still have them as I certainly would not expose my children to that level of alcohol via a parent. The impact of your alcoholism will be lifelong and at the moment not apparent to you.

I genuinely wish you well in improving your circumstances.

[FizzBombBathTime]

Hi op

There is a long running thread called the brave babes, they will be able to give you a lot of advice/support/someone to rant to

I will try and link it bear with 🙂

[beachhaven]

'stone cold sober feels jagged and painful....'
I guess you need to get to that point of wanting positive change and/oryou are ready to face up to and deal with the 'painful and jagged'. But please do think very hard about the impact of all this on your children. There is an impact and it will be negative.

[GrabtharsHammer]

I don't drive (due to the bipolar).

My biggest fear is that Dh will leave. I walk a tightrope between pissing him off (unlikely, he's the most chilled husband anyone could hope for, I 'accidentally' drank one of the Christmas presents last night while he was out and he held me while I cried and apologised, although he does a fine line in 'disappointment') and just wanting to feel a bit pissed.

I'm scared that I'll need to hit a breaking point. I want to be able to kick it before I get there. How?

[stitchglitched]

You know it does affect your children though. All your recent threads about your daughter and her behaviour, yet you minimise the role your issues impact on her. Don't you think she sees that you are drunk on the school run, hears arguments when your DH objects to you drinking a litre of vodka?

[FizzBombBathTime]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2756292-Brave-Babes-braving-the-Autumn

[Trifleorbust]

I would suggest getting the thread moved to 'Health', OP. You are going to read some very judgemental posts here from people who don't understand addiction. Please do get help, though. The financial aspects of alcoholism are the least scary part about it.

[FireSquirrel]

What you're feeling is very common, of course the idea of never drinking ever again is daunting. Try not to think about it in terms of forever. Just focus on getting through the day. Take one day at a time. It will get easier.

[TheHiphopopotamus]

No advice, I'm afraid as I was on the other side (DH is an alcoholic).

You say you've hit rock bottom but how would you feel if he left and took the kids with him? I was 'soft' like your DH but there's is only so much a person can take. I told him it was us or the booze and I meant it.

Don't kid yourself that it's not affecting your kids either. Your DH might forgive you, but your children won't.

[fourpawswhite]

OP that made my blood run cold. Massive personal experience here upbringing wise. I read a book recently, another love by Amanda prowse. You should read it. From what you have written in this thread, you should read it. A litre of vodka and still able to write like you do. That terrifies me. This will be affecting your children. The fact that you understand you need help says a lot. Get that help before its to late.

[thisismyfirsttime]

I also drink a lot (a bottle of wine most nights and a 10 box of cigarettes to go with it) and I feel awful. I don't get hangovers or feel any different the next day but I know it must be doing me all kinds of internal harm, I've hit 30 and it's starting to affect my weight/ skin and I'm terrified I'll die of it years down the line and leave dd (2 now) motherless at a young age. But I can't stop, my dh massively enables me because I only drink once dd's in bed and I can and do get up with her in the morning or if she's sick. I just think it must be doing me damage I'll regret. Do you want to stop?

[Suppermummy02]

There is no such thing as a breaking point. You need to ask for external help not look for a solution from events.

[GrabtharsHammer]

Stitch, not that I'm minimising the effect on her; I don't pick her up from school (secondary) and me and Dh don't argue, ever.

I'm sure it has an impact on her but I wanted to address that.