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AIBU?

To be confused that dh has said I should get a part time job

178 replies

oopsIdiditagain21 · 30/09/2016 17:32

DH has a good well paid job and we have always agreed that he goes out to work and I support him by looking after home, DC, him etc. I thought we were both happy with this arrangement and he has only recently said he couldn't do what he does without me doing what I do so he can relax, do hobbies and so on when he is not working. I don't complain about my role and have always felt lucky. Then today he said I should get a part time job to get out the house. I do have a hobby I love and friends so it's not like I'm stuck in all the time. How do I take this?

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TheSparrowhawk · 30/09/2016 17:33

Ask him why he's suddenly decided that

NapQueen · 30/09/2016 17:34

If he gets out of the house for hobbies and so do you then surely yoy both get time out of the house?

His comment was odd.

LurkingHusband · 30/09/2016 17:36

Then today he said I should get a part time job to get out the house

cloudyday99 · 30/09/2016 17:36

I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to discuss and reappraise as your kids get older. Are they still preschool? As kids get older they do cost more and most couples manage without a full time SAH parent once they're school age.

Maybe he thinks it would be good for you to be in the world of work? Maybe he's feeling under pressure as the sole earner and would like you to earn a bit too? I think it's fair enough up discuss, regardless of what you agreed in the past.

MidnightVelvettheSixth · 30/09/2016 17:38

Talk to him, its possible that he said it when he was resentful & angry. Or not.

gettingitwrongputingitright · 30/09/2016 17:40

Ask him to elobrate? Do you spend alot if time at home?

dybil · 30/09/2016 17:41

I think it would be a good idea to have a conversation with him.

SaggyNaggy · 30/09/2016 17:44

Did he say,
"The house is a shit tip, youre obviously a lazy fucker who spends every minute on mumsnet, you may as well get a part time job"

Otherwise I think he sounds like he's trying to make sure youre happy, like he doesn't like the thought of you stuck in the house all day etc.

Unless there's more to it?

gillybeanz · 30/09/2016 17:44

I'm a sahm and would have asked him why he thought this?
did you just leave it there with no discussion?

Do you handle the finances and know if there was anything amiss like being worse off than you thought?

I suppose there could be one or several reasons he said it.
You won't know till you ask him.

Babyroobs · 30/09/2016 17:44

As pp says maybe he is feeling the pressure of being the sole wage earner or perhaps his job has become less secure and he wants the added security of a second wage coming in. Whatever the reason you need to talk to him about it.

Linpinfinwin · 30/09/2016 17:50

How do you take it? You find out more about why he said it.

We can speculate - I think the pressure of being sole earner can be intense, or he may be feeling hard done by - but you'll only know if you ask him.

HyacinthFuckit · 30/09/2016 17:51

You need to find out where he was coming from I suppose. Whether he's asking because he thinks it would benefit the household financially or whether he just doesn't think you ought to be relaxing and doing hobbies.

A lot will depend on circumstances, but if he does want you to get work, do make sure he understands that this may require a greater contribution from him to non-earning activities. I would also ensure you're well appraised of what the local job market is like, what you could realistically hope to earn and whether you'd be likely to get anything to fit around school hours (this will obviously be less relevant if your kids are 18 and 17 than it will if they're 8, 6, and 5). But he shouldn't just get to unilaterally click his fingers and oblige you to take the first thing that comes up because he's changed his mind about a mututally agreed arrangement- your OP, after all, doesn't say that your agreement was time limited so that can't be presumed.

waterrat · 30/09/2016 17:51

I'm not sure how anyone on Mumsnet can answer the question of why your DH would like you to reassess your current family arrangements.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 30/09/2016 17:55

I second Saggy.

waterrat · 30/09/2016 17:56

Life is long - I think it's reasonable to reassess these kind of arrangements. Have you thought ahead to when your children are at school? the longer you are out of work the harder it will be to find work you enjoy.

Queenbean · 30/09/2016 17:57

Have you actually asked him why? I think that's your first step rather than asking people to speculate on why he said what he did

ImperialBlether · 30/09/2016 18:02

At the risk of being slaughtered, do you have enough to talk about together?

QueenLaBeefah · 30/09/2016 18:08

How old are the children?

I used to be a SAHM but once the DCs were at school I got a part-time job.

You really need to talk to your DH about this but though.

Eva50 · 30/09/2016 18:08

If my DH suggested that I would start looking for evening or weekend work, preferably both, and draw up a timetable for him of the jobs that will require to be done whilst he is in charge. If I was feeling kind I might ask him what the reasoning behind his request was.

GoMeGoYou · 30/09/2016 18:09

Do you ever fall out over money? Is it possible that he thinks you waste money?

RedSauceAndJellyJuice · 30/09/2016 18:12

Did he say it in a ' I know you have sacrificed your career to support me so if you want to work I will support you ' way or a ' get off your arse and earn some money ' way ?

yorkshapudding · 30/09/2016 18:13

Didn't you ask him why?

There may be lots of perfectly valid reasons why he thinks you getting a part time job is a good idea. He might feel stressed and under pressure due to being the only earner. He may be worried about money. We can only guess, you need to have a conversation about this and find out his rationale.

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coffeemachine · 30/09/2016 18:13

being the sole earner can come with a bit of pressure so he may want to shift some of that? how are you coping financially? do you need the 2nd income.

If you are healthy and there is nothing else preventing you from working, I don't see why it is such an odd suggestion. most adults work, it not uncommon

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/09/2016 18:16

I am the main earner and was the sole earner for quite a while and there are times when I do feel the pressure of having the bulk of the financial responsibility so may be that is behind it. You'll only know by talking to him.

BalloonSlayer · 30/09/2016 18:18

There are quite a few reasons why he could have said that and not be being nasty:

do you feel guilty at spending money and he thinks you might feel better if you earned a bit? (was the case with me)

are you always on at him about decorating/buying new stuff and he thinks the fact that you are at home so much makes you bored of the house/noticing everything that's wrong with it? (was the case with me)

do you get upset about stuff that shouldn't really be a big thing, ie overthinking stuff, because you are alone all day and have too much time to think/dwell/brood? (also has been the case with me)

do you feel sad at giving up your career for the family (also me!) and he is trying to support you into building the foundations of a new career?

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