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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby watching porn

353 replies

SarahJane333 · 15/06/2016 07:25

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 15/06/2016 07:29

Is it the porn or the wanking? Porn is a no no in this house but wanking is nobody's business but their own. Unless it's at the dinner table in front of Aunty Dot. Aunty Dot doesn't like wanking at the table.

toolonglurking · 15/06/2016 07:31

I would talk to him.

In my opinion watching porn is completely different to having sex with someone, so I wouldn't take it personally as a slight against me or my figure. I would see it as him getting a release, having a wank isn't emotional, it's a purely physical thing, brains aren't always engaged at the time.

humblesims · 15/06/2016 07:32

Sounds like he was embarrassed to be caught. If he is good in other respects (helps out, is loving/caring etc) and your still having sex (even with a baby) then I'd ignore it. Men look at porn, its usually not a reflection on your relationship.

Original poster
SarahJane333 · 15/06/2016 07:32

I think its the porn but can't really explain what it is that bothers me so much. 😬

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/06/2016 07:35

I agree with ShowofHands.

And "good" fathers are not "helping out"- they are doing their job as parents.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 15/06/2016 07:36

I hate it too i dont think its right x

TheNaze73 · 15/06/2016 07:40

Just as estrogen levels are at their highest in women at night, testosterone levels are highest in men in the morning, so I'm not thinking his timing is weird at all.
Think you need to tell him, if it bothers you that much about the porn. I think that if it effects intimacy, then it's a problem however, if his drive is high & it takes stopping him from pestering you, if you're not interested/in the mood (and how many sulky men threads, have been on here of late) then I really don't see the problem

OptimisticSix · 15/06/2016 07:41

I also agree with Showofhands, except we don't have an Auntie Dot. I still won't tolerate or do it at the dinner table though :)

Oysterbabe · 15/06/2016 07:43

I don't see it as being a problem. I also don't think it's odd that he didn't volunteer the information, I wouldn't have either!

LurcioAgain · 15/06/2016 07:47

Okay, there are a number of issues round porn.

One concerns the ethics of its production. There are enough accounts from women who've exited the porn business for it to be clear that in a lot of instances the sexual acts involve women who are being expoited, coerced and even in some cases raped (for instance, a woman who agrees to have vaginal sex on camera, and finds herself coerced into a scene involving, say, double anal). Since you can't tell just by watching whether all the people involved are freely consenting and happy about what's going on, that's enough to rule it out on ethical grounds for some people.

Secondly, there's the issue of misogyny within porn. Your husband may be watching vanilla porn, in which case this isn't an issue, but I've read threads on here where men have been watching violently mysoginistic porn and wanting to re-enact it in the bedroom. That for me is a big no-no.

Thirdly, there's the question of whether it's impacting on your sex life. I'd say (although a lot of people frequently write this off as "the wife's problem for not having enough self-esteem") that if you are having body image issues, and his porn use is upsetting you on those grounds, if he respects you and values your feelings, he ought to be able to refrain from using porn for your sake. (NB, this doesn't mean giving up wanking - people are quite capable of wanking without using porn and it's ridiculous to suggest otherwise).

As for the "all men do it" claim - actually they don't. It's true that practically all men will have been exposed to porn at some point in their life (dirty mags in the bottom of a mate's wardrobe, clips on their school friends' mobiles), but this doesn't mean that all men habitually use it. Perhaps a majority do. But I certainly know men who don't, either because it doesn't actually do anything for them, or because they worry about the ethical problems surrounding its production.

VocationalGoat · 15/06/2016 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 15/06/2016 07:48

"if his drive is high & it takes stopping him from pestering you, if you're not interested/in the mood "

Or he could try not being an arse? Just a thought..........

SpaceDinosaur · 15/06/2016 07:49

Porn is just a lazy way of a means to an end. Doesn't mean I don't love my husband (I'm female) doesn't mean my husband doesn't love me. As long as you're not watching it in front of auntie dot, that you ensure auntie dot or the kids can't happen across it. As long as it is legal. It's not hurting anyone. Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. Most women have a mental image/memory that they "use" Most men prefer an image. It's a means to an end.

Original poster
SarahJane333 · 15/06/2016 07:51

No I suppose I wouldn't really own up but likewise I wouldn't be doing it. If it ever actually happened that he had all of the children out of the house at the same time I would be running around like a mad woman trying to clean and hang washing out, not be sat in the living room with porn getting myself off!

OP posts:
MLGs · 15/06/2016 07:52

Sounds to me the biggest problem here is him not doing his bit with the kids when he clearly has time.

Although everything said about the ethics of the porn industry is undoubtedly true.

Bettydownthehall · 15/06/2016 08:01

Sometimes I take myself off for a 'nap' or say I have a headache and need a lay down.

I know it's a bit dishonest and I am leaving DP to it with all the kids, but it's the only time I get and I really enjoy like it.

I don't watch porn but I do read literature, if he has not really thought about the ethics of porn then he probably doesn't see a problem.
Just say to him "oi, how come you have half an hour to have a wank but not help with the school run?"
Or when he comes home from work, tell him you are going upstairs for a wank and can he sort the tea.

19lottie82 · 15/06/2016 08:03

It's just a bit of porn. If you think the majority , if not all, men, don't indulge then you're living in cloud cookoo land I'm afraid.

Personally, I don't see what the problem is.

Original poster
SarahJane333 · 15/06/2016 08:03

Thank you everyone.

I probably should have mentioned there have been two other instances over the last few years, one time when he had porn on his phone and one of the children found it, dd was only about 2yrs at the time but I obviously went mad and he promised he wouldn't have it around anymore.

Then about a year ago I went for a bath after the dc were in bed and came back down for something to find him watching porn and wanking in the living room (I guess he really likes the living room?!) I was really annoyed as it could have been one of the dc getting up, plus I was pregnant, not feeling great, etc and we had words. He agreed then that he wouldn't watch it anymore.

I don't think he has a proper problem with porn but how can you tell? Our sex life is ok, once a week or so is the norm for us at the moment, which I think is ok (ish)?

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahJane333 · 15/06/2016 08:06

Love that idea Bettydownthehall. Could you imagine his reaction if I said that when he gets home today - just popping upstairs to get myself off whilst you do the tea. Lmao.

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 15/06/2016 08:06

Literally all men use porn. When researchers in the US tried to do a study comparing those that do with those that don't, they couldn't find any that didn't/haven't.

I share PPs' concerns about how it is produced and the harmful effects on both porn actors and porn users but I am afraid it is completely normal, as is having a quiet wank in the morning.

BertrandRussell · 15/06/2016 08:14

"Literally" all men don't use porn.

Particularly the ones who have any idea about the ethics of the industry.

The significant bit of that post is "didn't/haven't"

It would be very difficult to find anyone who hasn't seen porn at some stage.........

LurcioAgain · 15/06/2016 08:14

Shiney - just to correct that impression, the study you're referring to showed that pretty much all men had been exposed to porn (as have most women - when I was a student, for instance, I came back from holiday to find that the conference delegate who'd been using my room had left a stash of porn mags in the bottom of my wardrobe - so I've definitely seen it, although I don't use it). Being exposed to porn, or having wanked to it as a teenager, is not the same as habitually choosing to use it as an adult, and that study did not differentiate between the two.

OP, you'll be exposed to an absolute barrage of voices both on here and in wider culture saying "it's ubiquitous, all men do it, you're the uptight one if you don't like it." Please at least note that there are women (and men incidentally) out there who say "well, actually it's not ubiquitous, and it's perfectly okay not to be comfortable with it."

I use written erotica - but if a partner said to me "you know, I'm struggling with the idea of you comparing me to these unfeasibly muscled hunks (or whatever) who can keep at it for an hour and a half magically finding the woman's g-spot every time due to a combination of the most wonderful technique ever and a degree of telepathy that just can't exist int he real world, and it's making me feel inadequate" I'd like to think I'd listen, bin the erotica because my real life partner was more important, and focus on getting sex with each other to be a really fantastic experience.

TendonQueen · 15/06/2016 08:21

Even leaving feelings about porn aside, though, it's selfish of him if he would usually be saying 'no, got to get to work' if asked to pitch in in getting the kids ready, yet will spend time wanking. If he'd been sat on his arse reading a book while the OP raced around, that would be unacceptable, right? It's not any different then. So you need to address 1) the selfishness and 2) the porn, not necessarily in that order.

shinynewusername · 15/06/2016 08:24

I am certainly not defending porn. But it is ubiquitous. 70% of young men use online porn at least once a month and use by middle-aged men is even more prevalent. And the US study I mentioned is not the only source for this - the police also report that they always find evidence of porn use on men's smart phones and laptops (and not just when searches are due to sexual offences).

shinynewusername · 15/06/2016 08:25

..(pressed Post too soon). I honestly don't know what the answer is. Is ethically-produced porn actually ethical?