Hubby watching porn

(354 Posts)
SarahJane333 Wed 15-Jun-16 07:25:58

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

ShowOfHands Wed 15-Jun-16 07:29:29

Is it the porn or the wanking? Porn is a no no in this house but wanking is nobody's business but their own. Unless it's at the dinner table in front of Aunty Dot. Aunty Dot doesn't like wanking at the table.

toolonglurking Wed 15-Jun-16 07:31:33

I would talk to him.

In my opinion watching porn is completely different to having sex with someone, so I wouldn't take it personally as a slight against me or my figure. I would see it as him getting a release, having a wank isn't emotional, it's a purely physical thing, brains aren't always engaged at the time.

humblesims Wed 15-Jun-16 07:32:03

Sounds like he was embarrassed to be caught. If he is good in other respects (helps out, is loving/caring etc) and your still having sex (even with a baby) then I'd ignore it. Men look at porn, its usually not a reflection on your relationship.

SarahJane333 Wed 15-Jun-16 07:32:34

I think its the porn but can't really explain what it is that bothers me so much. 😬

BertrandRussell Wed 15-Jun-16 07:35:25

I agree with ShowofHands.

And "good" fathers are not "helping out"- they are doing their job as parents.

Chocolatefudgecake100 Wed 15-Jun-16 07:36:37

I hate it too i dont think its right x

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Jun-16 07:40:15

Just as estrogen levels are at their highest in women at night, testosterone levels are highest in men in the morning, so I'm not thinking his timing is weird at all.
Think you need to tell him, if it bothers you that much about the porn. I think that if it effects intimacy, then it's a problem however, if his drive is high & it takes stopping him from pestering you, if you're not interested/in the mood (and how many sulky men threads, have been on here of late) then I really don't see the problem

OptimisticSix Wed 15-Jun-16 07:41:21

I also agree with Showofhands, except we don't have an Auntie Dot. I still won't tolerate or do it at the dinner table though smile

Oysterbabe Wed 15-Jun-16 07:43:21

I don't see it as being a problem. I also don't think it's odd that he didn't volunteer the information, I wouldn't have either!

LurcioAgain Wed 15-Jun-16 07:47:02

Okay, there are a number of issues round porn.

One concerns the ethics of its production. There are enough accounts from women who've exited the porn business for it to be clear that in a lot of instances the sexual acts involve women who are being expoited, coerced and even in some cases raped (for instance, a woman who agrees to have vaginal sex on camera, and finds herself coerced into a scene involving, say, double anal). Since you can't tell just by watching whether all the people involved are freely consenting and happy about what's going on, that's enough to rule it out on ethical grounds for some people.

Secondly, there's the issue of misogyny within porn. Your husband may be watching vanilla porn, in which case this isn't an issue, but I've read threads on here where men have been watching violently mysoginistic porn and wanting to re-enact it in the bedroom. That for me is a big no-no.

Thirdly, there's the question of whether it's impacting on your sex life. I'd say (although a lot of people frequently write this off as "the wife's problem for not having enough self-esteem") that if you are having body image issues, and his porn use is upsetting you on those grounds, if he respects you and values your feelings, he ought to be able to refrain from using porn for your sake. (NB, this doesn't mean giving up wanking - people are quite capable of wanking without using porn and it's ridiculous to suggest otherwise).

As for the "all men do it" claim - actually they don't. It's true that practically all men will have been exposed to porn at some point in their life (dirty mags in the bottom of a mate's wardrobe, clips on their school friends' mobiles), but this doesn't mean that all men habitually use it. Perhaps a majority do. But I certainly know men who don't, either because it doesn't actually do anything for them, or because they worry about the ethical problems surrounding its production.

VocationalGoat Wed 15-Jun-16 07:47:55

It just feels shit, doesn't it?

I mean, to be honest, a wank is a wank and we all have needs. But porn can be a bomb under the chair for many couples.
I don't mind if it's the one-off or once in a blue moon, but it very rarely is that. It quite often becomes the replacement for real sex. Not always. You'll have to see how this cat jumps and if it becomes an issue in your marriage/sex life.
You'll get people who defend porn use in a relationship because both partners are into it. That's not you though and you're not here to be convinced that you have to be ok with it.
You'll get others who will say "It's quite normal after having a baby, hun."
Yes well, maybe it is 'normal'.
Does this mean you have to accept feeling low because it's another person's normal?

I have lived out a porn addiction in my marriage. It started out with me coming home from the school run with the kids (this is years ago) to find hubby with the door to the bedroom wide open going at it in front of the PC while our cleaner was in the bathroom next door scrubbing the floor.

He was wanking to a 'house maid/cleaner' themed video.
My stomach still churns when I think about it.

I've been up and down and all around the porn addiction journey. But I've never recovered from that first discovery. The dishonesty is what killed an element of our marriage. We're still here, muddling through. But it became a stain on our marriage and we've never managed to rub it out.

Now he no longer watches porn (or at least I never catch him).
But we don't have sex. At all.

It sucks.

You need to ask him direct questions. If this is something you're not cool with then he needs to not resort to watching porn.
How is your sex life otherwise? You don't have to answer me, but ask yourself if you're happy in that area.
Kids do change the dynamics of a household and of course we all know that it's not fireworks and bending over the kitchen table antics when you're nursing, up nights, doing school runs, etc.
But I get fed up of the 'Oh you're too tired. You're nursing. You're the reason I've had to turn to lithe, nubile, haven't-had-kids-yet, twenty year old women to get my rocks off' myriad of excuses that I've swallowed (no pun intended) over the years. Boo hoo. Cry me a river. Don't let him put his guilt and dishonesty on to you.

You have all of my support. You're not wrong at all in feeling upset about this. If it makes you feel badly, then it's not right. End of.

BertrandRussell Wed 15-Jun-16 07:48:10

"if his drive is high & it takes stopping him from pestering you, if you're not interested/in the mood "

Or he could try not being an arse? Just a thought..........

SpaceDinosaur Wed 15-Jun-16 07:49:27

Porn is just a lazy way of a means to an end. Doesn't mean I don't love my husband (I'm female) doesn't mean my husband doesn't love me. As long as you're not watching it in front of auntie dot, that you ensure auntie dot or the kids can't happen across it. As long as it is legal. It's not hurting anyone. Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. Most women have a mental image/memory that they "use" Most men prefer an image. It's a means to an end.

SarahJane333 Wed 15-Jun-16 07:51:07

No I suppose I wouldn't really own up but likewise I wouldn't be doing it. If it ever actually happened that he had all of the children out of the house at the same time I would be running around like a mad woman trying to clean and hang washing out, not be sat in the living room with porn getting myself off!

MLGs Wed 15-Jun-16 07:52:40

Sounds to me the biggest problem here is him not doing his bit with the kids when he clearly has time.

Although everything said about the ethics of the porn industry is undoubtedly true.

Bettydownthehall Wed 15-Jun-16 08:01:40

Sometimes I take myself off for a 'nap' or say I have a headache and need a lay down.

I know it's a bit dishonest and I am leaving DP to it with all the kids, but it's the only time I get and I really enjoy like it.

I don't watch porn but I do read literature, if he has not really thought about the ethics of porn then he probably doesn't see a problem.
Just say to him "oi, how come you have half an hour to have a wank but not help with the school run?"
Or when he comes home from work, tell him you are going upstairs for a wank and can he sort the tea.

19lottie82 Wed 15-Jun-16 08:03:24

It's just a bit of porn. If you think the majority , if not all, men, don't indulge then you're living in cloud cookoo land I'm afraid.

Personally, I don't see what the problem is.

SarahJane333 Wed 15-Jun-16 08:03:29

Thank you everyone.

I probably should have mentioned there have been two other instances over the last few years, one time when he had porn on his phone and one of the children found it, dd was only about 2yrs at the time but I obviously went mad and he promised he wouldn't have it around anymore.

Then about a year ago I went for a bath after the dc were in bed and came back down for something to find him watching porn and wanking in the living room (I guess he really likes the living room?!) I was really annoyed as it could have been one of the dc getting up, plus I was pregnant, not feeling great, etc and we had words. He agreed then that he wouldn't watch it anymore.

I don't think he has a proper problem with porn but how can you tell? Our sex life is ok, once a week or so is the norm for us at the moment, which I think is ok (ish)?

SarahJane333 Wed 15-Jun-16 08:06:25

Love that idea Bettydownthehall. Could you imagine his reaction if I said that when he gets home today - just popping upstairs to get myself off whilst you do the tea. Lmao.

shinynewusername Wed 15-Jun-16 08:06:29

Literally all men use porn. When researchers in the US tried to do a study comparing those that do with those that don't, they couldn't find any that didn't/haven't.

I share PPs' concerns about how it is produced and the harmful effects on both porn actors and porn users but I am afraid it is completely normal, as is having a quiet wank in the morning.

BertrandRussell Wed 15-Jun-16 08:14:18

"Literally" all men don't use porn.

Particularly the ones who have any idea about the ethics of the industry.

The significant bit of that post is "didn't/haven't"

It would be very difficult to find anyone who hasn't seen porn at some stage.........

LurcioAgain Wed 15-Jun-16 08:14:47

Shiney - just to correct that impression, the study you're referring to showed that pretty much all men had been exposed to porn (as have most women - when I was a student, for instance, I came back from holiday to find that the conference delegate who'd been using my room had left a stash of porn mags in the bottom of my wardrobe - so I've definitely seen it, although I don't use it). Being exposed to porn, or having wanked to it as a teenager, is not the same as habitually choosing to use it as an adult, and that study did not differentiate between the two.

OP, you'll be exposed to an absolute barrage of voices both on here and in wider culture saying "it's ubiquitous, all men do it, you're the uptight one if you don't like it." Please at least note that there are women (and men incidentally) out there who say "well, actually it's not ubiquitous, and it's perfectly okay not to be comfortable with it."

I use written erotica - but if a partner said to me "you know, I'm struggling with the idea of you comparing me to these unfeasibly muscled hunks (or whatever) who can keep at it for an hour and a half magically finding the woman's g-spot every time due to a combination of the most wonderful technique ever and a degree of telepathy that just can't exist int he real world, and it's making me feel inadequate" I'd like to think I'd listen, bin the erotica because my real life partner was more important, and focus on getting sex with each other to be a really fantastic experience.

TendonQueen Wed 15-Jun-16 08:21:44

Even leaving feelings about porn aside, though, it's selfish of him if he would usually be saying 'no, got to get to work' if asked to pitch in in getting the kids ready, yet will spend time wanking. If he'd been sat on his arse reading a book while the OP raced around, that would be unacceptable, right? It's not any different then. So you need to address 1) the selfishness and 2) the porn, not necessarily in that order.

shinynewusername Wed 15-Jun-16 08:24:31

I am certainly not defending porn. But it is ubiquitous. 70% of young men use online porn at least once a month and use by middle-aged men is even more prevalent. And the US study I mentioned is not the only source for this - the police also report that they always find evidence of porn use on men's smart phones and laptops (and not just when searches are due to sexual offences).

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