To be really furious with my mum over what she said to my DD

(114 Posts)
TealLove Tue 16-Feb-16 11:35:36

A relative by marriage has very very sadly died recently. He was only 9 my DDs age. She knew he was v poorly. We didn't break it to her for v specific reasons - she is v emotional at the moment and I have come out of a dreadful period of depression which has impacted her. We are trying to keep things mindful and positive in the family. Also, I think a child of her own age dying is relevant , I was going to sit her down and be really careful in how I talked to her about it with no religious overtones.
My bloody mother had DD and has told her! She said he had gone with " the Angels" to be with his mummy ( who sadly died years earlier)
I am absolutely furious with her. Apparently they were talking about the funeral and DD asked who has died so she must have known we hadn't said!!
There was absolutely no need and when I told her I couldn't believe she did it she just stormed out of the house after dropping DD.
How do I manage this? She has completely taken away something I wanted to control - the issue of death, a child's death and explaining it to my daughter of the same she in a mindful way!

TealLove Tue 16-Feb-16 11:36:19

*same age

hefzi Tue 16-Feb-16 11:38:54

What would you have expected your mother to say in response to "who's died?", given that your DD overheard them discussing a funeral? Do you think she should have lied? (Genuine questions: not being goady)

senua Tue 16-Feb-16 11:39:34

If it was that important then you should have pre-warned your DM. She's not a mind reader.

Pollyputhtekettleon Tue 16-Feb-16 11:40:43

What's done is done. You need to sit down with your daughter and firstly ask if she is ok. Then you can try to explain things how you wish. I think she will take your words more seriously than her grans. Also if the discussion arises, it's fine to say that religion comforts some people in theses sad times/situations and then move the topic away from religion.

nocabbageinmyeye Tue 16-Feb-16 11:41:13

Did you tell your mother you hadn't told dd and she should not mention it? If you didn't tell her then I think yabu, it sounds to me like your dd overheard your mother talking about a funeral and asked your mother who died, if you hadn't spoken to your mother then she was probably caught on the hop and handled it as best she could, it certainly sounds like she was being sensitive, although it may have been differently to how you would have.

Obviously the funeral is over so the child sadly died days/weeks ago (depending on where you are), why didn't you speak to your dd before now?

Mammabrown Tue 16-Feb-16 11:41:51

I'm sorry granny upset you but I think what's done is done I think you should have told her as soon as could everybody in the family is upset a child has died maybe you should be mind ful of that

19lottie82 Tue 16-Feb-16 11:42:58

I'm not religious and I don't see what your problem is. It's a sensitive way of explains death to a young child. YABU.

Your DD is 9. If you wanted to explain death yourself then you've had plenty of time but you have just chose not to so far.

SelfRaisingFlour Tue 16-Feb-16 11:43:01

You should have told your mother that you wanted to tell your daughter yourself.

Gatehouse77 Tue 16-Feb-16 11:43:50

If I felt that strongly about it I'd have explained it to my mother knowing my DD was going to spend time with her and it was highly likely it would come up in conversation as it's such a recent event.

I understand your frustration but it should be directed more at your handling of the situation, not your mother's. How was she to know?

HPsauciness Tue 16-Feb-16 11:44:19

I don't think your mum had many choices once your dd overheard her discussing the funeral. It would have been deeply worrying and confusing to her to have heard that without an explanation. She asked, your mum answered. I personally think being frank is by far the best in this situation.

As for the fact she said he was going with the angels, she's just softening the blow, not trying to convert her! You can say your perspective now, but your dd can then choose how to think of it for herself.

I get you wanted to control the info, but honestly, 9 year olds aren't stupid and they have big ears, you can't control it completely anyway as you have found out.

WorraLiberty Tue 16-Feb-16 11:45:30

I'm so sorry for you loss thanks

However, I agree with PPs who say you definitely should have spoken to your Mum beforehand.

LastOneDancing Tue 16-Feb-16 11:45:41

Reading that, your DD overheard and asked who's funeral, and DM replied truthfully - she wasn't to know you hadn't told her unless you had made that clear.
Once she'd mentioned the name she had no choice but to explain as best she could really, especially if your DD was upset.

Sorry for your families loss flowers

Helenluvsrob Tue 16-Feb-16 11:46:01

Sorry. I'm afraid the fault lies here with you attempting to overprotect your child. Pretty much always the imaginings are worse than reality. If you'd have felt brave enough to keep her gently up to speed with the news , rather than a vague " he's very poorly " then it would have been less of a big thing.

I also think perhaps you were underestimating your dd. She might well be thinking that he was likely to die etc anyway.

Gentle facts. Not too much cotton wool. Your mum did the best she could under the circumstances I reckon.

acasualobserver Tue 16-Feb-16 11:46:48

Is there a specific reason why you want to avoid religious overtones? Could you explain that some people, like Granny, believe you go to heaven after you die whereas others ... etc. I don't think that your "mindful way" has to be abandoned, or will have less impact, just because your mum got in first with her explanation.

Finola1step Tue 16-Feb-16 11:46:59

I understand your frustration but I find it a little odd that you didn't tell your dm that you hadn't told your DD yet. That the subject was off limits. It sounds like a genuine mistake.

I thought you were going to post that your dm disapproved of your decision to delay telling your DD so she went ahead and told her. But that was not the case.

I think you should cut your dm some slack.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Tue 16-Feb-16 11:47:49

You're a fool to hide death, it happens to everyone and it needs to be dealt with openly and honestly. You'll cause more issues with your attitude than your mother has with hers, although the angels bollocks is twee as fuck.

milkysmum Tue 16-Feb-16 11:49:17

Totally understand why you are upset and why you wanted to be the one to talk to dd about this but I don't know what else your mum could have done in this situation really I don't?

abbsismyhero Tue 16-Feb-16 11:49:23

she had a choice "no one you know" and change the subject tell you later and apologise for talking about it in front of her honestly could the conversation about the funeral not have waited?

PumpkinPie2013 Tue 16-Feb-16 11:50:11

Did your Mum know you hadn't told DD? If not then I'm afraid YABU - your mum was caught off guard by the question and handled it as best she could.

I'm also not sure why you hadn't told your DD already, if you were going to tell her anyway? Presumably, you would have to tell her eventually because she would either hear it elsewhere or notice that the person isn't around?

I appreciate you were trying to keep things positive within your family unit but sadly, something like a death in the family can't be kept quiet and kids pick up on things very easily.

I would say don't blame your mum, give yourself time to come to terms with things and talk with your daughter.

mouldycheesefan Tue 16-Feb-16 11:50:49

Did your mother know you didn't plan to tell your daughter? If not, how was she supposed to comply with your wishes about what to say?

Mammabrown Tue 16-Feb-16 11:53:23

If your mum had fobbed your DD off with a nobody dear it would be more awkward for you.

Whycantweallgetalong Tue 16-Feb-16 11:53:30

What has been your DD's reaction to this news?

JennyOnAPlate Tue 16-Feb-16 11:55:52

You were unreasonable not to have told your mum. What was she supposed to say when your dd asked whose funeral? Did you expect her to lie?

I completely disagree with hiding death from children.

Fairenuff Tue 16-Feb-16 11:57:56

YABU to not have anticipated this and pre-warned your mum.

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