WIBU to let DD go to this party anyway

[Songofsixpence]

DD (14) has been invited to her best friend's 14th birthday party and to sleep over afterwards this weekend.

DD's BF lives on a farm out in the middle of nowhere so they're having a marquee in the garden, disco, BBQ, etc. About 50 kids have been invited from 7pm - 10pm, all friends from school, BF's hobbies - all in that year 9/ 13-14 age group

This party has been the hot topic of conversation for weeks. It's been planned to within an inch of its life, they've been shopping for new outfits and they're all desperately excited.

The party will be supervised by BF's family - her parents and 2 much older (late 20s) brothers will all be there. The girls have been best friends since they started in reception together, they've been friends for years, they pretty much live in each other's houses, had god knows how many sleepovers over the years, so we know the family pretty well and I trust them. DD is pretty sensible and I trust her too so I have absolutely no problem with her going and staying over.

Last night, DH announces that actually, he doesn't want DD going. He thinks the party is inappropriate for their age, he's worried that someone might bring alcohol/it get out of hand

DD is obviously very upset and disappointed.

I spoke to DH after DD had gone to bed and he's 'compromised' by saying she can go but will have to be picked up by 9pm - however, he's away for the weekend so it will fall onto me to pick her up

I still think this this is pretty unfair of him to be honest. He knew exactly what this party entailed and has had weeks to make any objections and hasn't so I really feel for DD that he's said this now.

I'm happy for her to go and sleep over, he's not going to be here anyway so I'm tempted to just let her go and tell him that I won't be picking her up, if he wants her collected he can come home and pick her up himself.

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place

[KoalaDownUnder]

I think your DH is being a real jerk, and she'll never take him at his word again.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

Dh is being ridiculous. Don't let him do this. Why do his ideas trump yours? Nope! She's been told she can go and he's just afraid....he needs to let her grow up.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

I would probably let my dd go, but dh might well go all protective. Is there any chance that you could offer to go and help out and then go home once it all quietens down?

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

How about a better compromise of

She can go, but she has to text her df every hour until bedtime, to prove she is still sober, and capable of operating her phone.

If she misses a text, he can text to remind her. Still no answer, then ring her. Still ignored (check they haven't gone to bed...) then collect her.

[momb]

The party finishes at 10ish anyway doesn't it so collection then wouldn't make her stand out if he's worried, but if the sleepover was just for your DD and her friend then it does seem harsh to drag her home.
Can you touch base with the parents to say if things do get lairy you'd rather collect and then get your DD to contact you at 10ish to confirm?

[wigglesrock]

Well, she'll soon learn to lie to you both about her plans if your husband decides all of a sudden to not let her do things. Does he not trust the parents and older brothers? 50 kids being supervised by 4 adults sounds ok to me. To be honest it all sounds tame enough to me anyway. A finish time of 10pm for 14 year olds. How many are sleeping over?

[Spartans]

You aren't between a rock and hard place. Your dh is being awful.

If he trusts the family to look after at other times there is no reason to not trust them now.

He is being a dick and expecting you to do the running in support of this. Sorry I would tell him it's too late to object.

I certainly wouldn't be making her text every hour. Maybe a text before she goes to bed. At most.

[LongTimeLurking]

Your DH has left it too late to voice his objections..... saying she can go and then changing his mind at the last moment is unfair on everyone. He is being very unreasonable and she will just lie about future plans.

They are best friends + four adults supervising in a relatively safe location. I would let her go.

[5Foot5]

Your DH is being an idiot. It sounds as thought the party will be well supervised and well under control so I think his fears are unfounded. It also shows a lack of trust in your DD.

I can see what you mean about the rock and the hard place I think. Part of me thinks just don't get in to a discussion about it with him and let her stay over anyway. OTOH I wouldn't normally suggest one parent undermines the other parent.

[Ifiwasabadger]

YANBU. I'd let her stay over and not even tell DH. Sure that won't be smiled on here, but I would

[patterkiller]

Your DH sounds like my DF. I learned to lie about where I was very quickly and became skilled at covering my tracks.

What he is doing in effect is telling her he doesn't trust her before she has done anything wrong. He is an arse and if he continues he will damage their relationship. Trust me I know.

[molyholy]

Surely this reflects his behaviour as a 14 year old boy, rather than any reflection on your DD.

He is being an arse. Why does he get to be the boss of the decision!

[MythicalKings]

Your DH is a tosser. Far too late to voice objections. Tell him she's going and he can suck it up.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

YANBU. He should have objected at the time. He doesn't get to change his mind at the last minute for no good reason - your poor DD - let her go.

[CrapBag]

Why does this party sound inappropriate? It sounds great for their age!

He is being an unreasonable arse and it's not for him to suddenly decide that she can only go until a certain time and then you will collect her early.

I can't see the parents and older brothers letting 50 14 year olds drink tbh.

[Songofsixpence]

Thanks!

It is just DD invited to stay over afterwards

Part of me feels like I shouldnt undermine him, but I think he's being very unfair and I'm totally with DD on this

I think a quick check in text before she goes to bed would be an idea

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

My parents were like this and, like patterkiller, I learned to lie about where/when/who/what. Not great tbh. Let her go.

[BertrandRussell]

You're not stuck between a rock and a hard place. You've said she can go- so she can go. He doesn't get to make the decision .

[Songofsixpence]

He thinks they're too young for a big party like this.

He's not normally a dick about stuff like this really, he's usually quite laid back so I don't know where this has come from

But to me he's punishing her for something she hasn't actually done which isn't fair.

And yes, too late to pipe up now

[willconcern]

I think your DH is being an arse too.

It sounds like a great party. I doubt anyone'll bring alcohol (and if they do, a hangover from hell will put them off for a long time...). It sounds like there's lots of supervision from parents and older brothers.

I would talk to the parents to let them know your DH's concerns. I expect they'll be v reassuring.

Plus, why does DH's view take precedence? He has tried to put his foot down. Now you put down yours!

And speak to your daughter about alcohol etc. Make her aware of the risks.

[tbtc20]

How dare he voice his sudden objection w/o discussing it with you first.

Why does he get to call the shots? Fair enough if he's got concerns, but he should discuss them with you and then you both come to a decision and THEN discuss with your DD.

Why is it OK for him to undermine the agreed decision but then not OK for you to undermine his?

Has he even said what he's worried about?

[LisbethSalandersLaptop]

Honestly he is being ridiculous, she is 14 not 4.
Yes there probably will be booze.
He is probably projecting about the way he used to behave at his own teen parties..
Why should she be the only one coming home at 9?
I like the idea of the two older brothers being there - it will all be fine.

[babyboomersrock]

It is just DD invited to stay over afterwards

So he can't even say it's because there will be loads of 14 year olds sneaking drink in all night?

If he'd been at home and had said he'd prefer to pick her up at 10, when the party ended, then fair enough I suppose. But allowing her only two hours and expecting you to collect her before the party has finished? Not on.

It's exactly the sort of thing my mother would have done. I learned never to enjoy the anticipation of an event - and later, to lie convincingly.

[InTheBox]

It will be fine. He is being highly unreasonable. Let her go and stay over and have fun. It sounds as though they've all been looking forward to this for so long so why should it be ruined for her. She's done nothing wrong. I'd bluntly tell DH that she's going and staying over and I'd happily deal with the resulting fall out (if any).