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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

323 replies

Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:12

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

OP posts:
Aubrianna · 27/03/2015 14:14

In the nicest possible way YABU!

A girl is not a mysterious being, I have 4 girls and one boy and mothering them is no different.

Stinkersmum · 27/03/2015 14:14

You're lucky you even have one child, let alone two with another on the way. Go have a look at the conception forums here, read about the infertility, multiple miscarriages, failed ivf attempts. Then think if you really are that disappointed.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 27/03/2015 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:15

sorry meant to say my in laws want a grand daughter. they have one daughter and they always say 'she is the best thing that ever happened to us'- my father in law said at his daughters 18th bday that his daughter gave him a reason to live.

pretty bad thing to say when your two sons are standing next to you.

it made me so angry that boys are considered lower than or less than girls

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 27/03/2015 14:16

You will get over it. It's just one of those things.

I was the opposite to you, 2 Dd and wanted a third but I love my DS so much I wish I had three boys!

WilsonWilsonWoman · 27/03/2015 14:17

YANBU for your feelings! But you are underestimating yourself. You know exactly where things went wrong with your upbringing and this puts you in a really powerful position to work towards a loving, open, healthy relationship with your daughter.

Go easy on yourself, remember you're full of hormones too which effect our thought processes too. You have time to get used to this and come round and knowing about nails and fashion has FA to do with being a great mum!

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/03/2015 14:17

My DD is fab tomorrow we are going to watch Saracens v Harlequins.

Original poster
Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:17

I know I am lucky to have two children and a third one on the way

I guess it's a shock and I am trying to come to terms with it

I know I will love my DD, I guessmy fears come from my own insecurities about whether I will be a good role model for her and whether I will be good for her considering my history of rather poor positive females in my life :(

OP posts:
Chubbychopsmolly · 27/03/2015 14:17

My little girl is 7 months old, it's my first baby. I'm not a girly girl and my mum died young so ive been brought up with brothers and dad and I get along better with men. But I know me and my baby girl will have a special amazing relationship and I'm going to try get her into activitys such as jujitsu etc it doesn't all have to be girly and she will be into whatever she is into and you will grow and learn together all you have to do it love her

WilsonWilsonWoman · 27/03/2015 14:18

Shocked at the foul vitriol I x posted with. What horrible people some of you are. Hmm

adora1985 · 27/03/2015 14:18

YABVVU, there are thousands of women who would give anything to be in your position, how can you possibly feel disappointed that you get to be a mum three times over, regardless of the sex of the baby?

Pantone363 · 27/03/2015 14:19

In the nicest possible way you have a very narrow idea of what a 'girl' is.

Hair, nails, shopping, spas.....

lemonyone · 27/03/2015 14:20

And yet you seem to think of girls as less than boys. Don't already decide she will so brainless as to think that you will only bond over things like doing nails, hair and shopping!

I think it sounds as though this poor little girl is going to be heaped under yours and everyone else's expectations! I'm hoping to get over this.

FWIW - my DD loves soccer and ice hockey, loves sci-fi like Dr Who and Star Wars and is her own person. She also loves pink things and making cupcakes. My son loves bunny rabbits and cuddles, as well as Lego and snowboarding.

Stop pigeonholing your child before they are born. They will be just fine and you will love them!

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 27/03/2015 14:20

Also, what's to say one of your son's doesn't want to go on shopping trips whilst your daughter is up to.her ears on.mud?

That's how my brother and I roll. To this day he spends more time in the bathroom than his wife!

WilsonWilsonWoman · 27/03/2015 14:20

Dumping other people's infertility issues at this poor woman's door is absolutely ridiculous and fucking cruel. Read her op properly.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 14:20

I think you need to address the issues you have with women in your life, especially your own mother. It sounds as though you're afraid you're going to recreate that same relationship with your daughter.

Your new baby is a person, a person whose personality won't be dictated by the fact she has a vagina and ovaries.

I've even heard that some of these modern girls enjoy playing football!

shinynewnamechange · 27/03/2015 14:22

Right ok I kind of get that feeling about the in laws. My MIL is Asian and so very clearly wanted a boy. I had 2 DDs and my 3rd I had a few moments of "oh god if it's a boy I will almost resent their joy because of my poor 2 DDs" in the event they now have 2 DGSs (from SIL) and still adore my DDs so it didn't pan out and you need to give your head a good talking to!

As for the rest YABU I'm a girl. I hate shopping clothes etc. 1 of my DDs I reckon will love being girlie, the other is permanently covered in mud looking for something to climb or kick. Your kids are your kids not a stereotype!

paddyclampo · 27/03/2015 14:22

She might not be a girly girl! My DD isn't - having an older brother helps!

shovetheholly · 27/03/2015 14:22

YABU and really, really sexist.

Just because she's a girl does not mean that she will want to do shopping and day spas, fashion and nails. After all, you are a woman who dislikes those things, so it should be absolutely bleeding obvious that not everyone in possession of a vagina lives up to the stereotype.

By the sounds of things, it will actually be an incredible blessing for your household to have more of a male/female balance, and to recognise more glorious diversity between the genders. I imagine that having to live up to the male stereotype could be exhausting for your sons as they get older, and perhaps this injection of difference will be liberating for them too.

BikeRunSki · 27/03/2015 14:22

I get it. I am not a girly girl and don't have many (any?) close female relationships - friends, mother, sister - but no really tight female relationships.

When I was expecting dc1 I really wanted a boy, and that it what we had. With dc2 I liked the idea of another boy - outdoorsy, tough, muddy boys. Found out at 22 weeks that she was a girl. But if a shock. Took me a while to get my head round the idea of a girl.

Well. She's 3.5 now and she is awesome. As tough, muddy, wildly competetive as any imaginary boy. I adore her . I adored her ftom the moment she was born of course, and I've never for a second missed the second son I never had.

Ubik1 · 27/03/2015 14:23

FGS

Grow ip

squoosh · 27/03/2015 14:23

it made me so angry that boys are considered lower than or less than girls

Can't you see the irony in this statement OP?

Roussette · 27/03/2015 14:23

Goodness me. You have stereotyped girls unbelievably. They don't all want spa days, nails varnished, into fashion and want to go shopping all the time.

They are all different, one of my DD's was an absolute tomboy. And is not into all that stuff. They are individuals FFS, you are being ridiculous. I am hoping it's just the shock/surprise at having a DD after two sons, but really...

As for 'I don't know what to DO with a daughter' - what on earth do you mean? You mother your daughter, like you did your sons. That's it.

It sounds like you don't like the female species very much. When your FIL said 'she is the best thing that ever happened to us'. Maybe he meant her as an individual, not the fact that his DD is a female.

SaucyJack · 27/03/2015 14:26

Yes, YABU. Girls are awesome Grin

This morning, my baby girl has been copying me doing my weights with an apple core. It's not all shopping and spa treatments.

DeliciousIrony · 27/03/2015 14:26

It sounds like your relationship with your own mother is having a major influence on how you're feeling.

Look, just because she's a girl, doesn't mean that she'll necessarily like everything that is stereotypically 'girly', obsessed with nails, hair, spas and shopping. She could turn out to be more similar to you than you think, but even if she's not, she'll still be your child - you might just have to make a bit more of an effort to relate to her. That might not be nearly as hard as you think.

The environment in which you raise her will also have an impact on her (FWIW, I grew up with brothers and no sisters, and a mum who is not stereotypically 'feminine' - I went through a girly princess phase, then a complete tomboy, wear-only-boys-clothes-and-cut-my-hair-short phase. I am now just a fairly average but reasonably well-rounded person).

You are not a "bad role model" just because you don't like shopping or spas. There are so many ways in which you could be a good role model, and stuff relating to physical appearance wouldn't be relevant for that.

Not quite sure what you mean about not complying with the in-laws - are you worried they will try and turn her into a spoiled, girly princess?

Have you ever had any counselling to talk about your family background, and how it might relate to what you're feeling at the moment?