To ask my son to move out?

(136 Posts)
ConfusedDotty Sun 06-Jul-14 19:43:42

This is a huge decision for me, wasn't sure whether to put it here or the WWYD board. It's gonna be a long one.

My DP and me live with my DS who is 20 in a rented house. My DS is 20 and does not work, go to college and is not actively seeking a job of any kind. This has been a bone of contention for a while now. DS plays on his PC till early hours of the morning and gets out of bed late afternoon.

I have asked and pleaded with DS to do something with his life, this has never happened. He contributes nothing to the household.

This is the crux. Me and DP have been offered somewhere amazing to live. It's a beautiful place and the rent is £300 cheaper than what we pay now, but it's only a one bedroomed place, so no room for my DS.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to go and live with either his sister or his father?

I may not have given you enough information to go on, so feel free to ask me anything more.

TheFirstOfHerName Sun 06-Jul-14 19:45:45

With a reasonable amount of notice, I don't think this is unreasonable. He is an adult.

So, basically you are considering downsizing. Maybe improving your life/reducing debt/setting up old age/freeing up cash for adult fun of your own?

Nope not bu. Son can still stay occasional visits on a z bed / blow up bed in lounge.

Do it.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 06-Jul-14 19:46:13

Yanbu, at 20 years of age if he hasn't done anything with his life then how long do you expect to carry him along. He needs a good dose of reality. I think this would be a very good opportunity for him you to provide that.

magoria Sun 06-Jul-14 19:46:51


Your DS needs to learn that he has to earn his life not sit/sleep and have someone dish it up on a plate.

MrsKoala Sun 06-Jul-14 19:47:32

Does he get any financial support? Can you declare himself homeless if you move? or get housing benefit? I am unsure of what criteria you need for these things.

But, no, i don't think you are unreasonable at all. It sounds like he needs a kick up the bum and this might be it. Would he be able to move in with his dad?

HermioneDanger Sun 06-Jul-14 19:48:19

I think you would be unreasonable to foist him on his father or sister. You would certainly not be unreasonable to tell him you're moving without him and that he needs to look after himself.

My younger sister was like this and has only moved out in the last year at the age of 32, and is only managing that because my parents are paying the rent. Don't let it get that far - it's made my parents lives rather miserable having a giant child living with them.

WaitMonkey Sun 06-Jul-14 19:50:55

I would 100% do this. He is an adult and needs to look after himself. Good luck in your new

ClashCityRocker Sun 06-Jul-14 19:51:11

I would certainly discuss it with him, provided he has enough notice.

At twenty, he should be old enough to stand on his own two feet a bit more and this might be the biggest favour you could do for him. Plenty of twenty year olds live completely independently and it might help focus his mind and get his arse in gear.

ConfusedDotty Sun 06-Jul-14 19:59:59

Thank you all.

It would be so much better for me and DP and you are all correct in saying he needs to get his arse in gear. He is a really clever boy who can do lots with his life if he chose to.

I have been at him for over two years to do something. Both me and DP work long hours to have what we have, whereas DS gets everything for nothing.

It's just such a difficult one for me.

Optimist1 Sun 06-Jul-14 20:00:46

Without the opportunity of moving to the less expensive one-bedroomed place I wouldn't mind betting that you'd be posting on here in a few months about how to give your son a boot up his backside. So go for it!

ConfusedDotty Sun 06-Jul-14 20:00:51

Just realised I called him a boy, he's actually a man, there lies my problem.

Icimoi Sun 06-Jul-14 20:04:47

I think getting him to move out could well do him a favour - it may be just the spur he needs to do something with his life.

ConfusedDotty Sun 06-Jul-14 20:08:01

Has anyone else here been in the same situation and asked them to leave? If so, what was the outcome?

Mrsjayy Sun 06-Jul-14 20:09:01

He is 20yrs old far to old for pocket money from his mum get him told he is getting no more money from you let his dad deal wih him notvfair on his sister he will just sponge of her

Sandthorn Sun 06-Jul-14 20:10:03

All things considered, I doubt that an extra £300 is a matter of indifference to you. Can you afford not to do it?

gimcrack Sun 06-Jul-14 20:10:17

Do it. Give him plenty of notice, but he does need a kick up the bum.

x2boys Sun 06-Jul-14 20:10:22

At twenty I had been living away from my parents for a year I was training to be a nurse I qualified at twenty two I moved back in with my parents for a couple of years for conveinance but they were not too encouraging and I moved out again it was the bestvthing they could have done your son is not a child moving out hopefully will give him the impetus to do something with his life .

Mrsjayy Sun 06-Jul-14 20:11:38

No ive an adult living at home she is at uni but she is working I told her after she left school I wasnt keeping her shecruns her car and clothes herself etc, I do think its time for her to leave though

TheFirstOfHerName Sun 06-Jul-14 20:11:57

Has anyone else here been in the same situation and asked them to leave? If so, what was the outcome?

Eldest still only 14, so it hasn't arisen yet. We have told them all that we'll only continue to provide or pay for accommodation while they are in full time education (let's hope none of them want to do a PhD). Whether we will actually go through with this? I don't know; I can't see into the future.

Rebecca2014 Sun 06-Jul-14 20:12:38

It is sad how a man of 20 who has two role models in his life who works still decided to not do anything with his life. How is he getting his money? benefits? from you?

usualsuspectt Sun 06-Jul-14 20:13:59

I wouldn't kick my DS out. No.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Sun 06-Jul-14 20:20:01

My 27 year old db lives with my dgm. He doesn't work apparently too proud to claim job seekers.

Sits on the PC from the moment he gets up to the moment he goes bed.

It's really unhealthy and he has terrible social skills.

I'd do it.

maras2 Sun 06-Jul-14 20:22:59

What has he been doing since he left school? Surely not just dossing around for the las 4 years.Does he have any skills at all to enable him to live independently? I'd like to say downsize and leave him to it but if he's got no life skills then you and DP must take some responsibility for this.You can't really just chuck him out can you. Maryz is the person to give advice.Are you there Maryz?

Purplepoodle Sun 06-Jul-14 20:26:35

I would sit it down and discuss it with him. Explain you have been offered a lovely property, cheaper ect but it would mean he has to look for somewhere else to live and see what he says. Ultimately it's your decision but it wouldn't hurt to make him feel like he is being consulted

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