to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

(436 Posts)
wotoodoo Wed 09-Apr-14 01:38:16

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

justmuddlingalong Wed 09-Apr-14 01:41:25

Did the culprits break in, or did your dd let them in?

Monty27 Wed 09-Apr-14 01:42:00

I think the people that need punished have been. You and your dh for being so naive. Sorry OP, but you read your dd wrong.

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 09-Apr-14 01:44:54

No, I would expect a legally-able-to-work 16 year old to be looking for a job right now for the summer to pay for the damage. It's pretty appalling that she thinks some half-hearted weeding is the best she can do.

Don't let her go to the festival, I'd let her go to the prom- but I'd deduct hair/shoes/limo/dress money from the cost of damage and say she is paying you back that way.

I'm sure you'll get loads of people on who assume that ALL teenagers would do this, and you were a fool to leave the common teenager for a night on their own, but most teenagers would not allow friends into the family home who would break shit and vomit all over the floors.

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 09-Apr-14 01:47:33

Put the ticket on eBay, claw back some of the cost of damage that way.

Anything else that would be worth selling? Her GHDs? Any branded clothes that be shoved on eBay?

She needs to see the actual consequences of her actions. Those light fittings, upholstery and expensive bottles of spirits in the cupboard cost MONEY. A shit attempt at mowing the lawn and a week of grounding will not make her understand that.

SconeRhymesWithGone Wed 09-Apr-14 01:53:49

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

This would really make me angry. I would say no, what I expected was for you to behave in a responsible fashion. And since you didn't you can compensate us for the entire cost of the damage.

I would let her go to the prom.

dollymixedup Wed 09-Apr-14 01:53:55

Do you really think she would have had those people round if she knew what would happen? Sounds like she has been foolish and naive rather than vindictive or purposely destructive.

Time will heal, don't let this ruin your relationship with her, or her final months/years of childhood. She has not done this to spite you.

You need to give her the opportunity to earn back your respect and trust, if she thinks that is impossible then you run the risk that she doesn't try to.

In ten years time, five even this will be nothing more than a bad memory.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 09-Apr-14 01:54:45

OP, I am so sorry that this happened.sad. When I was 16 my parents would go away overnight and leave me in the house. So this is not your fault. However, I doubt very much that your DD intended for this to happen.

A girl I know who was left overnight intended to have a few friend's round to hers. However word got out (long before the Internet) and things got really bad really quickly and her house was wrecked, not by her friends, but by a load of fuckwits who knew her boyfriend.

Does your DD seem sorry enough or is she minimizing the damage?

mermaidbutmytailfelloff Wed 09-Apr-14 01:57:14

I don't blame you op for trusting her I think a lot do 16 year olds can be trusted, I left mine at that age. So don't beat yourself up. And it is only stuff she's ok, you are ok so be thankful for that.

But I also agree actions have consequences. She needs to regret this for a long long time.........agree with selling ticket, making her pay for prom stuff, getting a summer job.

OwlinaTree Wed 09-Apr-14 02:04:22

Oh some things never change! Sorry op, must be awful to come home to this. Your teenager has probably stopped all her friends making the same mistake.

Yes to getting her to take some responsibility for the damage. Does she have pocket money or allowance? Could you reduce this for the foreseeable future till the debt is paid? Could she do some baby sitting or gardening for neighbours to earn a bit of cash?

I would have a conversation with her about it once more to discuss the practicalities of how she can make it right, and also discuss with her what happened and why it went so wrong, presumably she must have extended some sort of open invite to people if those other than her friends turned up.

I think then draw a line under it, with agreement over payment made with her. She won't do it again.

BlackholesAndRevelations Wed 09-Apr-14 02:06:52

Don't stop her going to her prom! You'll regret that in future IMO. Agree with getting her to pay for the damage in whatever way, though.

(Ahem. I was otherwise an angel but did this too at a similar age. I didn't expect for a minute that things would escalate and some older boys would turn up and wreck the joint. The parents didn't speak to me for a bit and I had to do some serious, serious grovelling. Is she remorseful? We don't ever discuss it...)

Pawprint Wed 09-Apr-14 02:09:24

Definitely ban the concert. Agree with others re. prom - she can go but must sort out her own clothes, hair etc.

wotoodoo Wed 09-Apr-14 02:10:04

I have told her she can have her phone for 1 hour a day from now on and only for school (needs it for me to collect her).

I think her attitude is blase. What makes it worst is that she has had parties here before under supervision and they went well.

She actually invited ex 6th formers knowing full well they had trashed other people's homes and we had discussed how bad that was.

I trusted her because she had earnt that trust. She is so well thought of a family have asked her to go on an all expenses paid holiday with them after her exams to look after their 3 dc. Should I refuse to let her go?

I have been giving up my w/es prom dress shopping with her but do not want to indulge her at all now. I don't believe she should go.

She now needs to spend the easter holiday cleaning up the mess instead of studying.

This is going to affect her gcses and relationships with her friends as I have involved the police now.

Is this enough punishment? I am still upset as the damage was done to irreplaceable items and I have a massive deadline to reach with work now selfishly she has wrecked that.

If this is enough punishment how can I talk to her kindly? I just want to carry on snapping at her!

Bogeyface Wed 09-Apr-14 02:12:10

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

THis would have got me mad. Had she been upset, horrified, crying etc then yes I would have been more forgiving but her telling you what is acceptable? No. She isnt as sweet and innocent as you thought and isnt sorry for what she did, but sorry for getting caught.

I would not let her go to her prom, I dont get why anyone would say that you would regret her not going! Her going to prom will cost you £££ and she already owes you many of those, why on earth should you pay out for her to do something she enjoys when she allowed your home to be wrecked to the tune of 4 figures?!

She needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Pawprint Wed 09-Apr-14 02:13:34

She was bang out of order and I would cancel the holiday. If she deliberately invited the older boys, then that is a massive betrayal of trust.

So, def ban holiday and concert and let her sort her own prom outfit etc out.

Bogeyface Wed 09-Apr-14 02:15:46

You will get back to being kind when you feel you can. At the moment she shows no remorse and you are dealing with carnage, why would you be kindly with her?!

Bogeyface Wed 09-Apr-14 02:18:24

Actually, re Prom. Let her go but refuse to pay a single penny towards it, that will probably have a bigger effect than grounding her.

If you ground her then you are the enemy, but if you say "You can go, but I will not buy your dress, pay for your hair, shoes, car, ticket etc because that money has to go to the damage" then she might realise that she did this rather than blaming the "bigger boys" Mrs Patterson and you.

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 09-Apr-14 02:20:19

I'd let her go on the holiday if she has grovelled enough and accepted of your punishments without kicking off. I think you should let her go to prom too, but certainly not be paying for limos and nail extensions.

If you're flogging the ticket, she's cleaning up the mess, grounded and phone access restricted, that seems adequate. Her attitude is pretty sad though, considering some irreplaceable items were damaged.

Do you need to speak to her kindly? confused You shouldn't be horrible, snapping and constantly bringing it up, but you don't need to be kind. If her attitude is stressing you out and you can't look at her, just be civil and try and keep your distance into the dust settles. When I was being a nightmare as a 16-17 year old and stressing my mum out, she used to just sit in her bedroom. Never snapping, just keeping out of my way. It did make me think about what I was doing...

You love each other to death still, and like a PP said 'this will all be a bad memory' in 5 years time! flowers

augenblick Wed 09-Apr-14 02:20:32

I think the anger, which is clearly keeping you up at 2am must be so massively frustrating. Can you get some time to calm down, to do something nice? It feels like otherwise the temptation is to keep adding punishments and it's not going to be enough to make you feel less shit.

I would separate out the paying it back from Easter - if she does need time to revise, then I think you can draw up a list of jobs and leisure time over Easter goes on making it right. Then summer job to pay it back.

My sister did this at same age at the same point, and my mum and her became locked in a power struggle. I think 16 yr olds have the same impulse control as two year olds, look that thing is hot, I must touch it. It's easy to say and hard to do, but I think you can say this has really hurt me because I trusted you, and just know that somewhere inside the hormones your daughter is still in there.

"I love you, and this is how you're going to put it right."

VenusDeWillendorf Wed 09-Apr-14 02:23:09

She probably didn't do all the damage herself.

Please let her study for her exams rather than cleaning the carpets.

Stop thinking about punishments. You sound a little unhinged tbh.

Bogeyface Wed 09-Apr-14 02:28:34

venus no she didnt, but she had a party despite telling her parents she wouldnt, and invited older students with form for trashing houses! How on earth is the OP unhinged by thinking about punishments? The only way the DD will learn that actions have consequences is by her parents showing those consequences.

sesw Wed 09-Apr-14 02:33:36

You are not unhinged to be thinking of punishments. If she doesn't learn the reaction to her actions then that is a bad thing. Yes she needs to revise and do well at gcses. But she needs to be a responsible adult too. Lack of remorse would drive me insane, and she would have to pay it back to me - every penny. So, I don't know when exams are (sorry my children are too young) but I remember them being pretty early. So maybe a clear (possibly written) understanding that she is grounded ( not draconianlt physically grounded ) but the tacit understanding that all fun is gone till you are paid back £1000. Ok she can go to the prom but the fees are added to the money. I wanted to earn some money so my parents helped me go to the job centre etc so I could achieve that aim (after exams).

Your daughter was irresponsible. And sadly you have to balance how she deals with this, and achieving exams. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

2Retts Wed 09-Apr-14 02:34:09

Such a dificult situation wotoodoo, but I am in agreement with Bogeyface's post regarding the prom; let her go but make her bear the brunt of all the expenses up front.

Our DC's need to learn the importance of responsibility/consequence and this may be your last chance.

For what it's worth, I would probably decide the 'all expenses trip' upon her level of remorse. She is supposed to be looking after 3DCs in exchange or said trip after all; is she responsible enough to do so?

Best wishes and hope you can restore your relationship.

marcopront Wed 09-Apr-14 02:34:56

Don't stop her studying, but don't let her go anywhere else. She should either be doing school work or house work.

I agree with others about letting her go to the prom, but giving her no help with it.

AdoraBell Wed 09-Apr-14 02:40:32

With a blasé attitude I'd say she needs to pay for the damage.

Someone will say I'm being extreme but I would look at pocket money she receives, if she does, and withhold that until the bill for repairs is paid off.

If she wasn't blasé I'd say what you've done so far plus cleaning up and fixing the things that don't need professional attention. I notice she did try with the carpets.

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