to not want the OW at my child's football match?

(264 Posts)
Yogagirl17 Thu 09-Jan-14 20:41:17

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

LynetteScavo Mon 13-Jan-14 18:44:57

Good news that she agreed not to turn up! x smile

Yogagirl17 Mon 13-Jan-14 07:17:23

For those of you who have been supportive, thank you so much. xx

wellthatsdoneit Mon 13-Jan-14 00:11:12

Actually SGB, I think if someone posted - "I had an affair and left my partner because I was unhappy, and now my ex doesn't want to see me and the affair-partner at our dc's football match/school play/other event" I think the poster would be told to stop being such an insensitive arse. What you've posted is not at all the same situation as the one posted by the OP here.

It is grief and we all deal with it in different ways and to different timescales.

Neverending2012 Mon 13-Jan-14 00:06:53

Keep reminding yourself it's about your son playing at a match - he's most important in all of it.

Lilacroses Mon 13-Jan-14 00:03:22

SGB being dumped by your spouse of 18 years who is cheating on you with someone else is NOT a simple fact at all. Add to that the fact that they then start encroaching on your own life with your children? It must be bloody horrible and incredibly painful. Yes people move on etc but I don't agree that if things were reversed people would say the ex was bu. I think they would say be sensitive and give them time.

Lilacroses Sun 12-Jan-14 23:56:40

I have a friend who tells me she hates her ex after 15 years and only wants him and his ow to be unhappy. Now that is bitterness that is actually hurting my friend. Op is completely different to that.

I know yoga. Some people thought I was BU to say no! I wasnt even horrible about it.

BlingBang Sun 12-Jan-14 23:38:06

SGB - that's not really the case here and you know it. Think it's perfectly reasonable for the OP to speak to her ex about this as she is really struggling and to ask for some consideration so this kind of thing can be managed and eased into a bit more considerately.

We know you have brass balls and think everyone should just be able to deal with things like you can but the Op is just not ready or feels strong enough yet. She actually sounds like she is dealing with it, not some self obsessed spiteful bitch but just someone who is legitimately hurting and trying to deal with it best she can.

Think folk have been really inconsiderate on this thread.

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 23:30:40

Whatever solid im sorry my problems don't meet your criteria.

If someone posted 'I left my partner because I was unhappy and now s/he is giving me all kinds of shit and insisting that I can't be seen in public with my new partner' then the responses would generally be 'tell him/her to get over it and fuck off.'

Yes, sometimes a DC's other parent will take up with someone who is horrible/abusive/dangerous, but the OP here hasn't posted anything to suggest that her XP's new partner is a drug-dealing, kitty-strangling, blood drinking maniac - just someone who the XP chose over the OP. And the more people get unreaasonable and vengeful over the simple fact of being dumped, the harder it is for people who have genuine concerns over a co-parent's new partner to get taken seriously. which, again, is not good for any DC caught up in the situation.

If someone posted 'I left my partner because I was unhappy and now s/he is giving me all kinds of shit and insisting that I can't be seen in public with my new partner' then the responses would generally be 'tell him/her to get over it and fuck off.'

Yes, sometimes a DC's other parent will take up with someone who is horrible/abusive/dangerous, but the OP here hasn't posted anything to suggest that her XP's new partner is a drug-dealing, kitty-strangling, blood drinking maniac - just someone who the XP chose over the OP. And the more people get unreaasonable and vengeful over the simple fact of being dumped, the harder it is for people who have genuine concerns over a co-parent's new partner to get taken seriously. which, again, is not good for any DC caught up in the situation.

If someone posted 'I left my partner because I was unhappy and now s/he is giving me all kinds of shit and insisting that I can't be seen in public with my new partner' then the responses would generally be 'tell him/her to get over it and fuck off.'

Yes, sometimes a DC's other parent will take up with someone who is horrible/abusive/dangerous, but the OP here hasn't posted anything to suggest that her XP's new partner is a drug-dealing, kitty-strangling, blood drinking maniac - just someone who the XP chose over the OP. And the more people get unreaasonable and vengeful over the simple fact of being dumped, the harder it is for people who have genuine concerns over a co-parent's new partner to get taken seriously. which, again, is not good for any DC caught up in the situation.

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 23:03:53

I'm not jealous, I'm just finding it hard to cope with them all playing happy families - it's not the same thing. And you know what? I didn't feel strong enough to face them this weekend. Maybe it made me seem weak. So be it.

Lila wow, unbelievable the cheek of some people! My XH moved OW & her DCs to 1/2 mile up the road from me but wouldn't dare ask me to so much as recommend a hairdresser for her much less get her a job! Really, the fucking nerve of some assholes.

Oh - and just in case anyone hasn't heard of Breaking Bad, the crack about the meth dealer was a joke.

Lilacroses Sun 12-Jan-14 22:53:49

Take care op, it sounds like you've had a bloody awful time. It is so horrible when you are trying to be the bigger person all the flipping time and your ex keeps being an inconsiderate sod. My ex (who had cheated on me several times) moved her new dp to the same town we both live in and then asked me to get her work at my school!!!!

VoyageDeVerity Sun 12-Jan-14 22:53:33

I think you have made it look to your ex and his new partner, that you are very jealous and emotional about the split.

You should have gritted your teeth and held your head up and got on with the day. It would have made you seem strong. I think saying to him in so many words that you can't cope with seeing them makes you look v weak. Definitely don't do it again if this comes up another time.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Sun 12-Jan-14 22:26:13

Oh love. You've been through an awful time. Stay strong. You're doing ok. <hug>

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:19:30

Oh, and Ive changed my mind about one thing. If you find out that your mild-mannered chemistry teacher husband is actually a meth dealer...you're allowed to have an affair. grin

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 18:59:36

Thank you King.

And to Couthy, and others who have been through far worse - who's DCs have been harmed emotionally or physically by exes or ex's partners - god, I am so sorry. That is horrible. XH was very emotionally abusive to me for a long time after we split and that would include things like making up lies about me to DCs to try and get them "on side". But things seem to be moving in a better direction now. Maybe he's had counselling (ha, ha!), maybe he's stopped blaming me for his affair. Who knows, maybe the OW told him to stop acting like such a prick. So while I still don't trust him for a second, I know he does a good job of looking after DCs and I know they are loved and cared for.

KingRollo Sun 12-Jan-14 18:47:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monetbyhimself Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:05

I prefer ' face like a bulldog chewing a wasp' wink

Yogagirl17 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:25:48

To those of you who are saying "Get a grip, suck it up, stop crying boohoo...". Fuck you. Seriously. Just fuck you. Because if you read the whole thread, you will know that I have been more than dignified throughout. I do not say anything nasty to DCs about XH or OW - I save that for my friends. I willingly agreed to DCs spending the whole of xmas and new year with them and never uttered a peep. Not to the DCs and not to XH. So i'm not constantly throwing tantrums, thanks.

My DCs know who she is and what happened and they know I don't particularly like her. But I have also made it very clear that they are entitled to their own feelings. That it is really OK if they like her. I think they are mature enough to get this.

I do not claim to own another person's life or behaviour and what I did in the end (after venting on here for a bit) was make a request of XH, which he granted. I do know this is the shape of things to come and I AM dealing with it. But in my own time. I love my DCs, i know how much they love their dad and their happiness is my priorty. But I think I also have the right to look after myself and put some boundaries in place if I need them.

As for OW not being bad people. I disagree. Unless the OW truly doesn't know what she is getting into, it shows a basic lack of morals and respect for other human beings. In my case, OW may be perfectly nice, but she also knew exactly what she was doing. She knew he was married with children. She had been in my position when her own XH cheated on her. And when I met her once, during their affair but before i knew about it, she had the nerve to look me in the face adn thank me for being so supportive of their "friendship". And then she hugged me. So I feel justified in thinking she is basically not a very good person at heart.

As for "being dumped" - I think that being betrayed by your partner of 18 years and who you genuinely thought you would spend your entire life with is more than just shitty. It is truly traumatic and life changing - as some have said, similar to a bereavement. And yes, you..I, still have to get over it and move forward. I am. But not all at once and not on someone else's terms. I am actually a trained counsellor (tho not working as one now) and the one thing I came across over and over were people coming to me after a major life tragedy and saying things like, "but it's been a year, it's been two years or 3 - I thought it would be better by now." I learned that these things often take a lot longer than you think. It doesn't take as long as someone else thinks it should. It takes whatever time YOU need to process it. I'm working on it. I've worked on a lot of it over the last two years. I accept their relationship. I'm starting to accept that she is involved in my children's lives, although that bit is still really hard. And now I will have to work on her having some kind of presence in my own life. But I don't have to do it just because she feels like watching my DS play football (it's not as if I banned her from his wedding!). I will do it when I'm ready.

I also agree with the poster who said that there is no reason the new partners can't show some respect for the other adults involved. If, as folks on here keep pointing out, she is going to be aroudn for a long time to come, then there's no rush.

And I will definitely remember face like a grieving cod when I eventually do come face to face with her again. Am sure it will make me chuckle and she can wonder why. wink

KingRollo Sun 12-Jan-14 17:02:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddy68 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:41:00

You can't stop her but (depending on your relationship with your ex) could you tell him how you feel?

Ledkr Sun 12-Jan-14 16:06:29

When I met my dh he had sit with his long term gf a few months earlier.
They still had a house to sort out and cats.
They spoke often.
I remember loving him for the discreet way he handled things if she phoned when he was with me.He saw no reason to brag about bring in a new relationship and neither did he.
My x was a twunt but to his credit he didn't rub ow in our faces,let me keep the house and basically tried not to hurt me MORE.
It's a pity more people can't do this for people they once loved isn't it?

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 15:53:53

His Ex could seem perfectly reasonable and sane to most people , most of the time. The fact that she wasn't was hard for my Ex-H to see at times.

I also feel guilty that I allowed DS1 to go there, and end up in that situation. But he missed his Dad, we had been gradually building up to overnights, as before contact stopped, his Dad shared care 60/40. Due to how much he was missing him, I let him go for the overnight stat. The bitch had been pleasant and 'normal' towards DS1 during daytime visits that gad been gradually building up to a reintroduction of overnight stays, nobody could have foreseen her decision to move in an OM that night, as nobody knew she had am OM.

Still doesn't mean that both my Ex-H and I aren't feeling incredibly guilty about DS1 being put in that situation though, even though it was of HER doing.

CouthyMow Sun 12-Jan-14 15:46:12

I have dealt with my Ex-H. His perception of the situation was unfortunately skewed by the physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse he was on the receiving end. We have discussed this , and it was the reason why my DS1 spent a year NOT having contact at his Dad's house. His Dad did not know that his (then) partner had devised yo choose the weekend that he was having his first overnight contact with DS1 in over a year to move her new boyfriend into the house while he was still living there - that was the night he found out about her new boyfriend !

It was a cock up by my Ex-H, yes, a lapse in judgement, but most abused people have that from time to time, and he was unaware of his then partner 's plan to move her OM into the house that night, as he was unaware until that point that there WAS an OM.

If he could have done things differently, he would have.

On MN, there seems yo be the impression that only women can suffer DV. I can tell you that is totally untrue, and my Ex-H has lived in a DV situation for the last 7 years, and only truly opened his eyes to it that night. He doesn't drive, or he would have brought DS1 home, but he had no money as she controlled all their income, and couldn't even pay for a taxi. She even ripped the cord out of their Landline when he tried to ring me about sending DS1 home in a taxi, and her OM smashed his phone. The OM told my DS1 that if he called or texted me or the police on his Phone, he would smash his phone too.

It was a God-Awful situation, which I am thankful for my Ex-FIL sorting out and rescuing them, but I don't blame my Ex-H for that, I blame his ex partner and her OM.

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