to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

(188 Posts)
bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:29:50

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

Greenmug Sun 05-Jan-14 09:32:47

She sounds incredibly anxious, could she be suffering from PND?

Logg1e Sun 05-Jan-14 09:34:27

Too many 'n's.

selsigfach Sun 05-Jan-14 09:36:02

Her partner won't stick around for long if she keeps this up. Was she vulnerable/this needy before having a baby?

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 05-Jan-14 09:36:12

Difficult one. She could be suffering from PND and her anxiety levels may be off the scale. She may just be a PITA.
It's hard to say.

bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:36:14

I think since being pregnant she being very anxious n ocd. Tho I have tried to talk to her n said its all trial n error with babies but everything has to be perfect.

I was off work most of my pregnancy with pre natal stress but soon as baby came knew had to get on with it.

annielouisa Sun 05-Jan-14 09:37:02

I was a nervous wreck when I had my first DD and 17 months later with DD2 it felt so much more relaxed. I was terrified of getting anything wrong, felt a failure a useless mum and worried about everything. No manual can warn you about the overwhelming sense of responsibility that engulfs you.

There maybe things that PIL are not sharing with you I just hopes things settle and she begins to enjoy being a mum

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 05-Jan-14 09:37:14

Her DH going to football so Parents have to change their plans sounds a bit hmm

TheFabulousIdiot Sun 05-Jan-14 09:37:32

To be honest, so long as it's not causing. You any. Real personal hardship then I think you should just ignore and let her parents get on with supporting her.

OwlinaTree Sun 05-Jan-14 09:37:44

Her baby is only days old. It's a big life change. She probably feels overwhelmed by it all.

It's not really your business if she's staying at her mother's. She feels she needs the support at the moment.

I can understand you being upset over the change of plan for nye, but really she wanted to do what was best for her baby, and you wanted to do what was best for your baby. Unfortunately those two were not compatible on this occasion.

Joysmum Sun 05-Jan-14 09:38:12

You're being very harsh.

She's struggling and you are judging her for that. We all have times where we find things that others see as easy very difficult. There's time enough for her to gradually find her feet.

The last thing anybody struggling needs to think others are feeling about that is sentiments along the lines of 'there are others with far more issues' or 'pull your socks up and man up'. What a person struggling needs is to ease into coping with their troubles and it takes time.

I'm just glad in my times of need and struggles that I've had some very supportive people who have understood that.

picnicbasketcase Sun 05-Jan-14 09:40:19

She sounds like she has no faith in her own ability to cope and is relying heavily on everyone else in case she can't do it. But unless everyone stops dancing around her she'll never find out if she can do it. And why isn't her partner doing more?

ilikebaking Sun 05-Jan-14 09:40:22

I dont really think it is anything to do with you. People cope differently.
You are being harsh.
If you have nothing nice or supportive to say, say nothing at all.
(You would have a field day with me btw, DH and I live with his parents we have a 4 week old and his Mum does 1-2 nights a week for us, and nobody is happy leaving me alone for more than 6ish hours at all because of the support I need. We are all acting like a huge team and it means so much to me. Of course I take over if DH or MIL has has baby for 6ish hours too. I did have an emcs, an infection and some emotional issues post birth. But mostly, we are just being a team and supporting each other.)

Casmama Sun 05-Jan-14 09:40:46

I think you are being unsympathetic. Do you think she wants to be like this?- too anxious to stay in her own home or be left alone with her own baby?

I suggest you either see what you can do to support her or stay out of it.

How would you have felt if during your pregnancy she had been on mumsnet bitching "she's not the first person to get pregnant, she needs to man up"?

bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:40:46

Yea as we said to sisters what suit us on nye isn't goingto suit sil.

Just feel sorry for Dp as his Xmas n nye wasnt was nice due to sil.

MellowAutumn Sun 05-Jan-14 09:42:05

So she isn't copeing as well as you ? So what to be honest -you have no idea how you or she will do as parents long term or what life will throw at you or how you will cope with it. Take off your judgy pants and mind your own business.

IamInvisible Sun 05-Jan-14 09:42:18

You can not be OCD! It really, really pisses me off when people say that!

OCD is a horrible mental health condition. Try watching your child go through it and the effect it has on them and the whole family, then you won't ever belittle it again!

WRT your SIL you are being incredibly harsh. Some people take to parenting easier than others. Stop judging her FFS. She might be suffering from PND. If you're not careful your judgy knickers will end up choking you!

noblegiraffe Sun 05-Jan-14 09:43:02

Her baby is less than a month old. I wonder if she ended up hysterical when in her own for a night because the baby has colic or was screaming all night. People don't normally become hysterical looking after a settled, sleeping baby.

Poor thing sounds like she is struggling to cope, perhaps her baby is more difficult than yours? If she is over-anxious, PND could be an issue and she should be encouraged to talk to her midwife/health visitor.

FourArms Sun 05-Jan-14 09:43:13

I stayed with my parents a lot when DS1 was born as DH worked incredibly long hours. I'd had a c/s and with hindsight had PND. It helped me and that was DH's main concern. In many cultures this would be the norm.

Maybe it would help if her mum stayed at SILs house for a few days to settle her back in?

Casmama Sun 05-Jan-14 09:43:16

Then your p needs to fucking man up- he's a dad now and should know the world doesn't revolve around him anymore.

bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:43:20

I'm not sayin it's not hard. I'm more tired now than ever have been in my life. Find it harder with a 9mo than a newborn as it is non stop.

Casmama Sun 05-Jan-14 09:45:13

If you are more tired now than with a new born then you must have Ben very very lucky with your newborn!

Her baby was only born mid dec so is only 3 weeks old? At that age I don't cart baby around too much and I have had 4. Sounds like she is struggling and you are not being very sympathetic. However you too have got a little baby and should not have to totally bend to fit. New Year's Eve sounds ridiculous but TBH expecting a NYE out with little ones even to family? I have not had NYE out for 7 years as don't want this sort of situation!

KingRollo Sun 05-Jan-14 09:47:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FalalalalalalaFiggy Sun 05-Jan-14 09:47:09

Your dh Xmas has been ruined by his sister who has a baby of less than a month old? Well boo fucking hoo maybe he is the one who needs to man up. considering you've had a baby in the last year you should remember how difficult and scary it is and cut her some slack.

Having had a December baby myself Xmas and new year go completely down the priority list.

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