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To complain to exH about board money he is charging DS?

(134 Posts)
midori1999 Mon 19-Aug-13 14:16:36

I have DS's 1 and 2 with exH. DS moved to live with exH last year when he was 16 to start an apprenticeship where exH works, at his Uncle's company. This was a good opportunity for DS and exH had suggested it. It's too far to travel daily, about 2 hours away, hence DS moving in with exH.

When he first moved his wages were about £400 a month, plus overtime if he did it. I discussed board with exH and he suggested asking DS for £80 a month, which I agreed with. Then, when they moved from the flat they lived in to a house, exH put the board money up to £120 a month. He didn't discuss it with me, I found out from DS. I haven't ever mentioned it to exH and DS didn't want me to.

However, now DS's wages have doubled and exH has told him his board money is now £320 a month. DS is still only 17.

AIBU to think this is too much and discuss it with exH? As far as I know he doesn't need the money and as DS has been sensible and managed to save up a decent amount over the last year, so I feel he should be encouraged to save while he has the chance and that extra board money is money he could be saving. DS pay for some of his own food and obviously all his clothes, shoes, leisure activities, transport etc and things he needs for work.

Not sure it's entirely relevant, but exH 'only' pays £200 a month is maintenance for DS2, which I suspect is far less than the 15% the CSA would suggest for one child (Probably a third of that at least) and he paid the same when DS1 lived here too. I discussed maintenance changing when DS1 moved there and exH wanted to keep things the same. I have never rocked the boat about the amount of maintenance as we do get on fairly well, but I do feel a bit irritated by the fact he is now asking DS1 for over half that amount again when DS1 is still responsible for a lot of his own expenses.

I do think Ds1 should pay some board, but AIBU to think £320 is too much?

Lweji Portugal Mon 19-Aug-13 14:19:03

Why is he paying maintenance if your DS is now living with him and earning money?

reeta30 Mon 19-Aug-13 14:21:02

When I was working and living with my parents I paid them a third of my wages for board/keep. When my wages increased so did my keep.

HatieKokpins Portugal Mon 19-Aug-13 14:21:52

Two children, Lweji.

£320 is a little on the high side, for sure. but it's similar to what my mum charged me in my first job too.

livinginwonderland Mon 19-Aug-13 14:22:46

I think it's still cheaper than what he would pay elsewhere. If his wage goes up, it's only right that his keep should go up too.

He shouldn't be paying you any maintenance.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 19-Aug-13 14:23:01

£320 is a bit steep in my opinion.

He could rent a room in a flat with friends for that much.

It isn't to do with his age, it's more if he's being charged that much he's unlikely to be able to save etc.

Rowanred Mon 19-Aug-13 14:24:00

Wow. I think ANY amount is too much. He is under 18 and is doing an apprenticeship - his parents should be supporting him.

Even if he was 18+ and at Uni presumably you would still be paying his halls accommodation fees?

And I think you should get the full amount the CSA says in maintenance for ds2!

primallass Spain Mon 19-Aug-13 14:24:21

It's quite stingy of your ex I think. Maybe he is squirreling it away into savings for your DS??

Boosiehs Mon 19-Aug-13 14:25:31

That's VERY high! You could get a house share in London for that!

BrokenSunglasses Mon 19-Aug-13 14:25:53

I think it's quite steep and it's a shame if he could afford to be more generous to his son to allow him to save.

But if your ds is living with him, then it's his decision to make.

HoopersGinger Mon 19-Aug-13 14:25:55

She still had a son at home.

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 19-Aug-13 14:26:27

Your Ex could be putting the "extra" in to a bank account for DS1.

Or he could be spending it on beer, If you want to know ASK, but I wouldn't complain.

Whoknowswhocares Mon 19-Aug-13 14:27:45

It is way too steep. I charge my son half that and he is on considerably more than your DS.
He saves well for the future, so my token rent lets him do that.
Don't really think its up to you to get involved though tbh. If your son is old enough to be working, he should equally be old enough to negotiate a fair rent with his dad

valiumredhead Mon 19-Aug-13 14:30:11

A house share in London? I was paying that over 22 years ago for a room in a London house.

It's cheaper than if he lived elsewhere as I imagine that includes food, bills, loo roll etc.

Ds is 12 and would eat half that in food alonegrin

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 19-Aug-13 14:30:51

Your 17 year old DS lives with his Dad, earns £800 per month plus overtime, and you think his Dad is charging too much for board/keep?

Your DS clearly has significant earning potential, more than many mature adults - perhaps it's time for you to let go and allow him to deal with these issues on his own? If he's not happy with/can't afford the new arrangement, he can renegotiate with his Dad, move out to somewhere cheaper, find a second job...I doubt "ask Mum to sort it out" is on his list of solutions, though!

(as an aside, lots of parents I know set aside the "board" their adult DC's pay them and give it to them to cover costs of setting up home on their own when the time comes. Who knows what your DS Dad has in mind!)

Shinyshoes1 Mon 19-Aug-13 14:33:38

He's under 18 and presumably on the under 18 minimum wage with is about £3.00 an hour isn't it ??

I think taking any money off an apprentice on a shit minimum wage under 18 is too much

McNewPants2013 Mon 19-Aug-13 14:35:14

I think it's about right.

£120 of free cash a week for a 17 year is loads.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 19-Aug-13 14:38:07

He's under 18 and presumably on the under 18 minimum wage with is about £3.00 an hour isn't it ??

OP says in the first post that he was earning £400 a month and that his wages have doubled since then - hence £800 a month - a lot more than I make!

HaroldLloyd Netherlands Mon 19-Aug-13 14:45:15

I think it sounds a lot OP I would probably charge 50 a week - especially as he is paying a lot of his own expenses and saving.

If he was wasting the money each month then yes charge more but it seems harsh as this could be a good chance for him to save a bit up before he has much higher housing costs.

Lweji Portugal Mon 19-Aug-13 14:45:34

Sorry, didn't read the maintenance was to DS2.

You should go to CSA, btw.

Your DS is 17, and is getting paid. He could chose to live elsewhere if it's cheaper.

Maybe your exH is hoping he will?

ThatsNontents Mon 19-Aug-13 14:47:56

You could look at it as DS1 is paying DS2's maintenance for your ex!

TheCraicDealer Mon 19-Aug-13 14:51:28

I think it's steep, but I would not be bringing it up with his Dad. You need to counsel him and give him the confidence to have a frank discussion with his father or move out, not sort it out for him. I'd be outta there like, you can get a house share here for £200pcm plus utilities. And at least you'd be free of your Mum and Dad.

WilsonFrickett Mon 19-Aug-13 14:53:29

I think it's one of these situations where you have to accept you both do things differently tbh. You'd charge a token, ExH has a different approach.

Although £80 a week board and lodging doesn't really sound that much imo.

I also think it's complicated by the maintenance issue, but they're two separate things.

And DS1 is old enough at 17 to either suck it up or move out.

jacks365 France Mon 19-Aug-13 14:54:24

Too be honest with you I think its nothing to do with you and its between your son and his dad, if he thinks its too much he needs to discuss it with his dad.

In response to someone else my dd is at uni her rent is more than that a month and she pays it herself.

LessMissAbs Mon 19-Aug-13 14:55:26

Your ex is getting his child maintenance payments back through his son!

It is quite steep for a 17 year old, but no-one is making him stay there...

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