Prioritise my own DD (brownie leader)

(231 Posts)
TreesAndFlowers Mon 17-Jun-13 14:27:53

I am a Brownie leader and DD is a Brownie in my pack.
From time to time (maybe 2-3 a year) our county organises “large scale” brownie events which require an adult to attend for each 6 brownies.
These events tend to be at weekends and generally involve quite a bit of a drive, so the other leaders in the unit choose not to go.

I am happy to go to these events because I want DD to have the experience of attending. So I go with DD and 5 other brownies.
Due to the events being at weekends and a bit of a drive, there are generally (say) only about 8-9 brownies interested in any given one. We’ve so far adopted the policy of selecting brownies by random draw, with the understanding that anyone who is unsuccessful will get priority next time.

This has so far been fine. It’s tended to work out that if a girl put their name down for every single event (which I don’t think anyone has) they would probably get to go to 2 out of 3 of them (we also do an annual pack holiday and there are more local events they can attend so they do have other opportunities). Except that my DD is getting to go to all of them. A couple of parents have recently started muttering about this and saying that it’s not fair that I am prioritising my own daughter. Which I agree that I am, but frankly I’m not sufficiently altruistic to spend a whole Saturday/Sunday at an event miles away otherwise (I do already help at the aforementioned pack holiday and more local events at weekends), so if DD was not coming, I wouldn’t be going, and no one would get the opportunity.

So AIBU?

Groovee Mon 17-Jun-13 14:31:17

This is why I didn't have dd in my unit! It's rather unfair to say "Well I'm not going because my dd isn't!" Either you run them fairly and give the other girls a chance or you don't run them at all.

I've never taken dd on a pack holiday with me, and leave her guiding experience to her own unit.

When your dd goes to guides will you continue to run the events or will you not be going full stop?

SoftlySoftly Mon 17-Jun-13 14:31:47

Yanbu next time you hear them mutter state loudly that if another adult volunteered none of the girls would miss out. They can't expect you to take their kids and do what? Pay for childcare? Miss your dd on a weekend?

RedHelenB Mon 17-Jun-13 14:32:00

Nope, & I( think you need to emphasise to the parents that it is VOLUNTARY that you take their children at all.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 17-Jun-13 14:32:12

YANBU. If other parents want their dds to attend these events, they can take them (and some others) themselves.

livinginwonderland Mon 17-Jun-13 14:32:34

It is a bit unfair. If nobody else can go to all of them, why should she? Surely she could stay with a friend/neighbour/relative for the weekend?

Calabria Mon 17-Jun-13 14:32:51

No - you are not being unreasonable.

Have they offered to have your daughter for the day/weekend so that theirs can go instead?

NatashaBee Mon 17-Jun-13 14:33:52

So tell them that they are welcome to volunteer and their own child will get a guaranteed place too. Cheeky people!

They can mutter all they like. They can also volunteer, I assume. However, you will have to talk to them properly and let them know that DD attending is one of the reasons you go. The problem isn't the parents. I would be worried your DD will suffer because she is 'teacher's pet'.

DeskPlanner Mon 17-Jun-13 14:33:56

I think it sounds fair. You could just say, you have nobody to mind your dd if you go and she doesn't, so that the other 5 girls would miss out. Suggest some of the parents volunteer if they want more places.

Trills Mon 17-Jun-13 14:34:13

YANBU to say "I am driving so my DD is coming" - presumably any other parent could choose to volunteer to come along as well?

why should she, living? Because it's her mum who is giving up her weekend to do it! And presumably does this to spend time with her own child, as well as, altruistically, other people's!

HolidayArmadillo Mon 17-Jun-13 14:34:50

It is a bit unfair. If nobody else can go to all of them, why should she? Surely she could stay with a friend/neighbour/relative for the weekend?

Umm because her mum is bothering her arse to drive folk there, the other leaders don't so I think OP is more than justified saving a space for her own daughter.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 17-Jun-13 14:34:58

Have you explained to the parents why you can't leave your DD at home?
And is there no way you could leave her home with a baby sitter for one of these days?
I do think it is unfair on the other girls that your daughter gets to go every time, and I would worry that the other girls will start to feel that she is "teachers pet" as it were. I would worry that the others may start to leave her out of games / activities as a result.

I think you need to find a way to alternate the times your DD gets to go, or find a suitable volunteer to bring the other girls every time so no one ever misses out.

YABU in my opinion.

Brownowlahi Mon 17-Jun-13 14:35:52

No you are not being unreasonable. I am a brown owl and my daughter has just started at my pack. She attended her first pack holiday after 2 weeks. None of the other new brownies were allowed to go. It was a perk of being brown owls daughter that she was able to go. Lets face it there aren't many perks, she gets to meetings early, is the last to leave,she has to help tidy up at the end and she always has her mum there with her.

Do any of the muttering mothers fancy becoming a brownie leader, then their daughters could enjoy the same perks your daughter has. Or, do most of your parents have the same attitude as the mum who posted earlier on another post who just couldn't be bothered to give up her spare time to help others?

I hope you, your daughter and the other girls you are taking enjoy the event. Those 5 other girls and their families will hopefully be grateful for the opportunity.

But she is teacher's pet! I guess if the OP gets a child-free weekend the last thing she'd choose to do would be to spend it with other people's children!

neunundneunzigluftballons Mon 17-Jun-13 14:38:40

This reminds me of a situation that arose for my dh recently. He had been coaching a sport for boys and girls with help from one other guy and sometimes other parents. The had about 40 children each week. One guy high up in the club made radical changes to the set up which meant that girls were no longer eligible to play. He sent out leaflets with changes, updated parents etc. Shame Dh and the other guy only had daughters playing the sport. They just ignored his changes and carried on as normal and dh pointed out same as you are saying that he was not altrustic enough to give up his saturdays to coach other people's children in a club which had decided to exclude his own child. YANBU and other parents are free to come along and join and guarantee their child gets their place easily done.

Euclase Mon 17-Jun-13 14:38:49

YANBU

DeWe Mon 17-Jun-13 14:39:35

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to always take your dd, in fact if I was one of your parents and you expressed doubt to me, I would say I expected you to.

I was in a brownie group in which Brown Owl's daughter was in. One time she turned to her dm and said "you don't like me in brownies you never pick me."
Tawnie Owl otoh favoured her daughter like anything. I remember the Christmas party we had joint with other packs. Her dd stated "I will win the decorated hat competition because dm is going to ask to judge it so I do..." Brown Owl insisted that people only judged each other's pack and I won grin Her dd was both shock and angry.

The other parents considered it reasonable that her dd went on everything (and joined brownies early) but not that she won every competition.
Although as time went on Brown Owl got better and making sure someone else was judging without being too obvious-even to one time going outside and dragging a very embarrassed passerby in to do it.

steppemum Mon 17-Jun-13 14:40:03

I suppose it is a bit unfair, but realistically no-one is going if you don't go. I think I would say to the other parents that logistically the weekend isn't going to happen if you don't go, but if one other parent volunteered to go then you could take all the girls who wanted to.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 17-Jun-13 14:40:22

My DDs attend Brownies and Rainbows and I would not DREAM of moaning if the leader did as you do. I am frankly hugely grateful for the time and effort they put in and if their DD got a place on all trips as a result well fine!

MrsOakenshield Mon 17-Jun-13 14:41:11

I'd tell them to stop muttering and start volunteering - after all it is the lack of adults that is topping all the girls from attending, is it not?

Seeline Mon 17-Jun-13 14:41:14

YANBU - there are 5 other places offered on a rotation basis, so all those interested get a chance to attend at some point.
My Mum was my Brown Owl and she used to bend over backwards not to 'prioritise' me or my sister for special events, to the extent that I think we did suffer at not being given opportuniteis that others got. Look on it as a reward for your daughter for all the times she misses not having you around because you have gone to a guiders meeting, a training, a first aid course etc. If other parents start to complain, point out that you give up hours of you time (not just the hour and half during term time, which many parents assume it is) to make sure their daughters get great fun and opportunities and if they don't like the way you do it, they could always start their own units.

meddie Mon 17-Jun-13 14:43:12

Yanbu. If you are prepared to give up your weekends and family time to enable some of the other parents children to experience these events, then the least you deserve is to have your child their so you dont miss out on time with her.

Self entitled parents can go whistle or heaven forbid actually volunteer if they are so concerned about others missing out.
I wouldnt hold my breath.

AuntieStella Mon 17-Jun-13 14:47:13

When I was a Guide, the issue was the other they round - the Guider's DDs had to go to everything whether they wanted to or not!

YANBU. Ask the countering parents if they will volunteer to drive one event each, thus (typically) allowing every Brownie who wants to attend to do so. And with a guarantee that if there is still an excess of Brownies, all drivers DDs get a priotity place.

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