To get angry if DW leaves her job without real consultation

(229 Posts)
Seekingthezone Mon 07-Jan-13 23:08:03

Found out the night before it was going to happen anyway that DW had negotiated her exit.

She had moaned for a couple of years about the job and people and I offered support during that time but
when it came to the crunch I was not consulted and left as sole earner whilst we do depend on both incomes to maintain the current lifestyle.

It was presented as a done deal and I was told by her that she did well to get what she got blah blah.

Schooldidi Mon 07-Jan-13 23:12:25

I would be annoyed if dp did that to me, so no YANBU to be annoyed about it. I would expect proper consultation if it was a voluntary thing.

I would probably then agree to it in our case because we could tighten our belts and manage fine, and he would be happier out of that job. But I would expect to be consulted first.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Mon 07-Jan-13 23:13:36

Think you need to face facts, this relationship has serious deep rooted issues, none of which sound particully healthy

Kayano Mon 07-Jan-13 23:13:57

I would be foaming

deleted203 Mon 07-Jan-13 23:17:25

YANBU....is she expecting you now to financially support her, totally without question, and without even having the courtesy to consult you first? I think that's not on. I can understand that she was unhappy in her job, but in a marriage you don't take unilateral decisions that have major impacts on both of you without both agreeing to it first.

Are you asking for advice? Or just agreement that it's ok to be pissed off about it?

Leafmould Mon 07-Jan-13 23:18:11

From what you say, SIBU.

EllenParsons Mon 07-Jan-13 23:19:22

Yanbu. Is she intending on looking for another job?!

jellybeans Mon 07-Jan-13 23:20:48

Have you got small children as does she want to be a SAHM?

LessMissAbs Mon 07-Jan-13 23:21:14

Unfair of her to leave her job without (a) discussing it with you OP (possibly because she thought you would object?) and (b) not having an alternative, at least part-time, lined up first. Bloody irreponsible too.

Magicmayhem Mon 07-Jan-13 23:26:46

sounds like she got a good redundancy 'she did well to get what she got' does she think she'll get another job quickly?... but no... either way... you are partners and she should have discussed it with you...

Adversecamber Mon 07-Jan-13 23:27:07

This is a very bad situation, what are the circumstances of her hating her job so much? Obviously you may not be able to disclose and how difficult is your financial situation now, can you actually survive on your wage?

Unreasonable for anyone to do this

Seekingthezone Mon 07-Jan-13 23:28:14

Yes it was all very positive this evening about how unspecified jobs have been applied for.

Basically it was the unspoken assumption that I would cover everything until DW finds employment again.

It does get worse unfortunately. She unilaterally decided to invest the pile of cash she had, again without any consultation or recognition of the fact that it could easily take 12 months or more to find a job in the current environment. It is not as though it is just the two of its either. We have DC.

sparklingsky Mon 07-Jan-13 23:34:05

Totally unreasonable of her - unless she has something in the pipeline to go to? It also occurred to me that she might not be in a great place (you can make v poor decisions if you're v low - not that it excuses anything)...Or did she mistakenly assume that you would agree with her exit plan, as you were aware of how unhappy she was (and would therefore agree with a move of job....?)

Seekingthezone Mon 07-Jan-13 23:34:57

Adversecamber - I had a lot of understanding for the position she was in and discussed the issues lots. Particularly in the early days.Less so later on I have to admit as it began to wear after 18 months+

But that is what makes it even more galling for her to leave with taking to me first when we spent so much joint time on it.

We can survive by cutting back. It no longer feels like a partnership though I have to say.

Jinsei Mon 07-Jan-13 23:35:12

YANBU, trust and communication are essential in any partnership and it doesn't sound like your relationship has much of either. I'd be livid in your shoes, but I do think you have to ask yourself why she didn't talk to you about it? Did she think you'd try and stop her, and if so, was it the only way that she could see out of a very unhappy situation? Clutching at straws though really - whatever the circumstances, she should have talked to you first if the expectation is that you'll be supporting the family financially in the interim.

Are there other problems in your relationship? Does she have form for stuff like this?

bumperella Mon 07-Jan-13 23:38:02

I'd be mad as hell in your shoes. assuming her job does bring in a meaningful amount of income (as a family unit) then i don't really get waht she was thinking. Unless she had no choice - negotiate an exit as she's fired/made redundant.

notnagging Mon 07-Jan-13 23:40:31

Yanbu. My dh quit his job once with little consultation as he thought he was good enough to get another job soon. Unfortunately the market changed & we suffered badly. She should have spent her redundancy on at least cutting down your monthly bills. Many household monthlies can be paid in advance just to ease abut if the worry. As others have said if you had a good relationship she would not have done this.

StuntGirl Mon 07-Jan-13 23:41:07

I'd be fuming, YANBU.

What were her reasons for not discussing such an important family matter?

sparklingsky Mon 07-Jan-13 23:43:09

X post OP.

Either she has a good chance of an alternative job or not. Don't let your (v reasonable) anger cloud the possibility that she 1) may have employment prospects and 2) have made a decent investment. I'd accept these possibilities, but keep to the main concern that she should consult with her partner about decisions that affect the family. That I'd flipping unreasonable!

Seekingthezone Mon 07-Jan-13 23:43:55

Soarklingsky - she probably was at a low point to be fair but it is still a big step to take IMO especially when you are married and have DC

We discussed the departure months after the event and she still fights about it and tells me what a good job she did and how I should be pleased.

There does not appear to be any recognition of wrong doing or poor judgement which is quite worrying.If there had been an oops got that one wrong sorry then I could differently about it but no, she will still fight it out and defend her actions.

Adversecamber Mon 07-Jan-13 23:47:37

Sorry to hear she invested the money without talking to you as well I assume it may be tied up for a time.

Regardless of her future job prospects and it is so grim out there I think you need to sit in a quiet neutral place for a long talk.

Jinsei Mon 07-Jan-13 23:47:58

So when did this actually happen, OP? Sounds like quite a while ago? confused Has anything happened now to make you want to post about it?

Cabrinha Mon 07-Jan-13 23:48:52

Are you sure she quit? I know this is extreme and I don't want to stir - but is it possible she f***ked up and was sacked and is too ashamed to tell you? The redundancy money being invested... That was quick... Does it really exist?
It seems so odd...
It makes me wonder if she's having mental health issues and has made a rash decision uncharacteristically, or if she's been sacked.

You two do need to talk... Now don't get me wrong, I think she should have spoken to you before doing it - but you say you'd stopped talking about work issues, cos it was wearing after 18 months? That is also not a partnership.

Talk to her... But tread carefully, because I think there's more to this. Hope you work it out - good luck.

Seekingthezone Mon 07-Jan-13 23:50:22

Stuntgirl - she told me she had next to no time to make the decision in. Although when I drilled deeper she admitted the discussions to leave had been going on longer than the one day she initially presented it to me as. They been going on more than a week or two it transpires.

notnagging Mon 07-Jan-13 23:51:35

I think you're right cab

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