To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

(184 Posts)
Zavi Fri 07-Dec-12 22:37:29

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

trueblood1fan Mon 17-Dec-12 11:23:10

no marks so no punishment - sigh :-\

Zavi Mon 17-Dec-12 10:49:18

My son didn't cause any skin marks, there were no tears, no teacher was involved, the other child chose not to tell a teacher, my son apologised, the 2 DC carried on playing with each other. Yes, I call that done and dusted.

I allow my DC to make mistakes. I was pleased that he apologised to the other DC without needing to be told to do that.

I also allow other DC to make mistakes. There have been several incidences this term where my DC has been hurt by other DC and the teacher has got involved.

I wouldn't dream of approaching another child over any incident that takes place at school though (not least because I wouldn't have witnessed it)!

I think this other mum's approach towards my son was aggressive. I think she set out to intimidate my son and she succeeded! I think that the way she treated my DC was disproportionate and far worse than the way my DC treated her DC.

I think what this mother should have done was to remind her DC that, when hurt by another child, it NEEDS to be reported to a teacher, even if her DC would prefer not to do that. Then I think the mother should have informed the school about what had happened so that both DC could be asked by a teacher to give an account of the incident.

On the contrary I think I handled the situation far better than the other mother who works privately as a Child Psychologist. I could have had a go at the mother for intimidating my DC but I chose not to. I'm aware that our children bring out our deepest emotions and it was a situation that I wanted to "respond" to rationally, not "react" to. I also took the approach I did because I wanted the mother to realise that she can not continue to conduct herself in that way. I also wanted to ensure that she didn't treat other DC in that way.

Obviously I wouldn't allow my son to go on a play-date with this child again because I think the mum is over-protective, aggressive and treats other children in ways that she wouldn't like her own children to be treated.

ReallyTired Mon 17-Dec-12 09:57:36

Btw the school called the mother in to discuss the matter following my complaint. Mother was told her behavior towards my DC was unacceptable and a "note to file" has been made in relation to the other mother. If she behaves like that again she will be banned from the campus. If she does it again after that her child will be removed from the school.

I'm pleased to hear that the mad bitch has had her umuppance. Bullying is unacceptable whether its done by adults or children.

The school has reminded all parents that there is a CORRECT proceedure for dealing with bullying by children. I think the letter shows that the school will do whatever necessary to protect the children. I would be surprised if they can legally exclude a child whose parent repeatly misbehaves. That seems an empty threat.

trueblood1fan Mon 17-Dec-12 09:49:07

ok, so you told him off - big whoop - what punishment did the you/the school give him or is he to precious to be punished?! your ds was really out of order but you seem to hell bent on putting all the blame on this other mother who obviously cant come & discuss with you as you dont do anything about it?! your ds wouldnt be welcome at my home but the other lad would.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Mon 17-Dec-12 09:35:08

There's a mother at my dd's school who thinks our dds are 'friends'

I am constantly in talking to the class teacher about her child, because she is aggressive, possessive, domineering and manipulative to my dd. so far this year she has kicked her, strangled her and spat in her face. She falls out with her and calls her names if she plays with anyone else. She will not leave my dd alone. My dd is a kind little girl and will not tell her to fuck off.

Perception is everything.

takataka Mon 17-Dec-12 09:26:58

I would like to have told other DC off for not having escalated the matter to a teacher in the first place

The reason why the other DCs mother had a go at my DC I think is because: she couldn't rely on her own DC to escalate matters to a teacher because her DC chose not to - he didn't want to get my DC into trouble

Whilst the matter was done and dusted between the boys with apologies having been made and accepted, the mother was still fuming about it

I find your perception of the situation (as above) really wrong. being 'done and dusted' amongst 8 year old boys doesn mean that things have been settled in a fair manner and be left alone. The other mother wasnt still angry because she couldnt rely on her own DC hmm, she was angry because your dc thumped hers, and had no consequence!!

I wouldn't want my dc to come to yours for playing; I wouldnt trust you to protect my dc or treat them fairly

Zavi Mon 17-Dec-12 08:49:09

Coralanne: I would have complained to the school if anyone treated my child like that (what was she telling your child off FOR anyway?).

With no complaint this other parent will think that that kind of behaviour is acceptable - and may do it to another child in the future.

I would have felt duty-bound, almost, to have made a compliant about that kind of behaviour.

Zavi Mon 17-Dec-12 08:35:59

My DC was punished. He got told off: by the other DC, by the other DC's mother, by the class teacher, by the junior school teacher, by me, by his Dad.

I would like to have told other DC off for not having escalated the matter to a teacher in the first place. However, he chose not to do that (and I personally would never approach someone else's DC over a matter that I had not witnessed myself.)

The reason why the other DCs mother had a go at my DC I think is because: she couldn't rely on her own DC to escalate matters to a teacher because her DC chose not to - he didn't want to get my DC into trouble.

Whilst the matter was done and dusted between the boys with apologies having been made and accepted, the mother was still fuming about it.

Btw the school called the mother in to discuss the matter following my complaint. Mother was told her behavior towards my DC was unacceptable and a "note to file" has been made in relation to the other mother. If she behaves like that again she will be banned from the campus. If she does it again after that her child will be removed from the school.

Higgledyhouse: this other mother's DC hurt another child previously (leaving marks on the body). Other mother would not allow the mother of the child who had been hurt to "discuss the matter" with her DC - she wanted to discipline her child herself. So she treated my DC in a way that she didn't want her own DC to be treated. She dished out what she couldn't take herself.

Coralanne Mon 17-Dec-12 05:38:21

When my DD was 9 or 10 a girl sitting beside her kept kicking her chair. After asking her about 10 times not to do it, DD then asked the substitute teacher if he could ask her to stop.

Apparently (I wasn't there) the teacher quite sternly told the other girl to stop doing it and get on with her work.

At the end of the school day, DD went straight to her dance classes in the school grounds.

Apparently the other girl came out of class, saw her Mother waiting for her and promptly burst into tears and gave her mother some garbled story about what happened.

The mother interrupted the dance class "Like an avenging Angel" so the dance teacher said. Dragged my DD out of her lesson and started shouting at her.

Dance teacher ordered the mother out of her building, sat my DD down, gave her a hug and a drink and when I arrived told me what had happened.

After comforting DD and having a long talk, I decided that it wasn't worth the effort to confront the other family as it was getting close to the end of year and DD was changing schools for the following year.

I still occasionally see this mother but I just stare straight through her.

LittleMissKitschmas Mon 17-Dec-12 04:55:34

To be fair, if another parent took it upon themselves to attempt to discipline my child I'd be annoyed and they would know it, be it politely. If there's a grievance take it to the school. To take it up with a child you don't know is bullying, regardless of all the 'village' bullshit spouted on here. On school premises, the school staff are in charge, not some woman with a personal vendetta. She should not have approached the child directly. The other parent, by all means. To me this just smacks of alpha parenting, with her 'qualifications' in child wrangling she probably wanted the entire playground to see her superior skills.

I'm damn lucky that for all their grumpiness at home my two are good at school. My kids have only ever been on the receiving end of playground crap, and we dealt with it the right way, by going trough ten proper channels within school.

Saying that, I do think 'circle time'/'restorative practice' is utter bilge!grin

Caveat: the post has been fuelled by insomnia, light fever and a stubbornly snuffly baby. Any and all spelling, grammar and continuity errors are to be blamed entirely on them!

PoppyPrincess Sun 16-Dec-12 23:35:02

I'm glad to hear that the school have taken it seriously.
I agree that the child should be punished but kids hit each other, they fall out etc, it doesn't necessarily make then a bad kid. I was bullied through high school but wasn't once hit by them, it was sly comments, laughing about me with their friends etc. I'm sure at times me and my friends probably hit each other at some point but it was in no way bullying, probably more just messing around.

My DS has only just started nursery school but already I can see that a lot of the mums are a bit rough and I could imagine some of them probably wouldn't give disciplining another person's child a second thought. No matter what my child may or may not have done if somebody I didn't know so much as touched my child I'd be furious! If they have an issue they should speak to the parent and let them discipline them how they see fit.
I don't like it if somebody even says to my son ''that's naughty''. Personally I don't like that word, I chose to say ''we don't do that'' or ''no that's not acceptable''. It should be down to the parent to chose how a child is disciplined.

flaggybannel Sun 16-Dec-12 23:04:33

This thread struck a cord with me as recently, another parent at my dc school took it upon herself to use her dc's facebook to ask other kids for my dc's mobile number, then called my dc out of the blue, ranting , raving, swearing, threating violence and spouting lots of bile down the phone to my dc for something that my dc had not done- or known anythin about until this woman called.
Fair to say i was stunned.
I quickly investigated further to find that this woman has form for this sort of thing and has done the same thing to other dc's. Her dc is well known to teachers and others for being attention seeking a loves 'drama'. Unbelievable.
The matter is now resolved- i had words with her personally. <rather evil smiley face>
My dc will not recieve a call like this from that woman again. She has been reported to the school to say the least.
Just who does anyone think they are to threaten or discipline someone elses child? If they have issues with your children they should speak to the school or the parents.
I havent read the whole thread but as for holding on to your child- i am gobsmacked. Words fail me.

trueblood1fan Sun 16-Dec-12 22:09:50

so what punishment did he recieve? my ds would tell me about this sort of incident as he wants to get in there first. but he is still punished. if youve allowed him to escape punishment i do so hope the school excluded him from lessons for such violence?! although other dc mother should not have touched your child but does sound like she was at the end of her tether at this situation. & how is the "victim" as you call him?

Zavi Sun 16-Dec-12 21:58:52

My DC acknowledged the hurt he caused immediately (read my OP).

These two guys had a history of getting on really well. Great friends. No bullying (by either DC).

As far as they are concerned everything is as usual now.

However, I would never again ask my DC's "victim" to come to our house for a play date!

Shame.

Rollmops Sun 16-Dec-12 21:19:48

Read the OP, misterwife. It was OP who escalated the issue to the head.
You see, her DC hit another child, unprovoked and then tried to hush it up. The parent of the child who got hit had a serious discussion with the hitter.
OP didn't like it as her DC was traumatised by telling-off for hitting, so she complained to the head.
Ludicrous. Yes.

misterwife Sun 16-Dec-12 21:14:11

I don't see anything wrong with her bollocking your DC if your DC has hit her DC. Why do some parents think they, and only they, can discipline their DC? That's not how the real world works, I'm afraid.

She is definitely being U, however - she has escalated the issue to senior staff members without discussing it with you. I know that that would make me very angry indeed.

PessaryPam Sun 16-Dec-12 20:57:27

Always get your retaliation in first, this is what these people do. Don't be surprised.

Was your son traumatised by her talking to him? Sounds to me like she was at the end of her tether. She shouldn't have spoken to him no, but i get the feeling this has probably happened before and you are only getting one side of this story.

Hopefully you can now go onto the important matter of your kid whacking someone who is supposed to be his friend, unprovoked, and then trying to cover it up by manipulating him into not telling any Adults?

trueblood1fan Sun 16-Dec-12 20:49:38

agree - you seem more concerned that a parent placed her hand on your dc than why your dc is bullying/hitting other dc? what punishment have you/the school doled out?! i actually feel for the other poor child that was whalloped.

takataka Sun 16-Dec-12 20:46:37

Also interested to hear the consequences for the 'hitter'

and also, was the parent spoken to directly, or just the indirect note in the news letter?

Fakebook Sun 16-Dec-12 20:41:14

Pray tell, was you DC punished for his/her actions as he/she should have had?

^ ^ Love it!

Rollmops Sun 16-Dec-12 20:38:27

Typical head-in-sand behavior by the school, ignore the hitting and send out pointless newsletters.
Pray tell, was you DC punished for his/her actions as he/she should have had?
I do hope that next time your precious DC whacks someone, that that someone's parent has enough wits to complain to the head.

Zavi Sun 16-Dec-12 20:30:53

Update:

Following my complaint to the school this is what happened:

I and my OH went to discuss the matter with the Head of the (Junior) school. Head of Junior School said we take this "very seriously and I have already referred the matter up to the (whole school) Headteacher". (The school is both a primary and a secondary school).

Whole-school Headteacher felt that the other parent had acted inappropriately and was concerned to ensure that parents with children at the school understood that this type of behaviour was unacceptable.

In the end of term newsletter that went out to every parent in the school (at the same time as the Autumn school reports went out) the Headteacher informed parents that it was inappropriate for parents to speak directly to students in matters concerning behaviour or discipline. That to do so was "intimidating and frightening" for the students and "didn't do any good" as it would only lead to an "escalation of matters" and that the school were "able to deal with these matters appropriately" and that parents needed to "trust the school" to do so.

In my case it didn't lead to "an escalation between parents". I went to the school.

Im very pleased that the school have dealt with this matter so quickly and that they have now got clear guidelines in place for parents of students: Basically:

If your child has got an issue with another child. Don't Take it upon yourself to sort it out. Talk to the school first.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 09-Dec-12 16:08:31

I think what rollmops said can be true of children and teenagers behaviour towards others,pack mentality etc. But not always. I was anything but weak and meek, I was confident and well spoken and was still bullied for a couple of years at school.

merrymouse Sun 09-Dec-12 16:00:58

Weakness and meekness only too often invites deep dislike in otherwise non-aggressive people. There's something about door-mat-type behavior that raises the hackles in most of us.

No, I would say that thankfully this is not true of most people.

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