to be lonely....?

(220 Posts)
WoodlandHills Thu 16-Aug-12 11:31:16

I can't be the only one....can I?

I feel like a real sad case writing this, and I really don't want this post to come across as self pitying - but I hardly have any real friends.

Up till early this year I had a close friend who lived near me, she was probably the nearest thing I had to a "best friend" our DC were close too....but we had a big falling out, it turned out she was not the person I thought she was, and she moved away (not because of the fall out). There was no going back anyway after what happened. I was pretty traumatised tbh and spent many weeks very upset, it was awful.

I also have a long term childhood friend, we were very close growing up and into our 20's, she was probably also another "best friend" ...but the last few years we have really grown apart, not sure why. But I am always the one doing the organising meet ups etc, and she often lets me down. It's quite soul destroying making all the effort as I feel if I didn't, I would never see her.

I then have 3 or 4 casual friends, but I just don't really click with them. I like to see them, but often feel awkward around them, run out of things to say etc. I would say they are <cringy phrase alert> "mum friends" - and I don't think I would be friends with them if it wasn't for having DC the same age.

I also feel I am quite a walkover, almost as if to get people to like me - for example one of these "friends" I was seeing quite a lot, but I realised whenever she wanted to meet, she was asking me to take her places all the time (I have a car, she didn't) but recently she has bought a car I never hear from her. god writing this down makes me embarassed tbh.

The summer holidays have brought it home to me even more, particularly this year as last summer hols I spent a lot of time with my ex friend. I do work, but only 2 days a week, and my job is not sociable at all so have not made any friends through work. So whenever I am not at work I am home with the DC, I make the effort and take them out, swimming, park, soft play etc but I feel so lonely even though I am with them. They are 6 and 3.

I have even tried netmums "meet a mum" service blush but not really had much joy.

Squitch Thu 16-Aug-12 11:41:48

You could be me. I have one really good friend, but she lives 200 miles away. I have another friend that I have known for a long time, but I realised a few weeks ago that I only ever see/meet up with her if I make the effort. She NEVER phones me and lets me down a lot.

I spoke to my one friend yesterday on the phone as I realised that with 2 weeks left of the summer holidays I had not seen one adult in a social setting without my DD. I always feel like a bit of a spare part when I meet up with other mums, because like you, the only thing we have in common is that our children are the same age.

I don't know what the solution is (obviously or I would be out meeting a friend right now instead of having a spa day at home with a 6 year old). I suspect it is me (although I think I'm ok)

I also fail miserably at meeting people through work. I work in a school, but not as a teacher, or a LSA or in the office, just doing my own thing. People always seem pleased to see me when I go into the staff room, or into classes, but I always seem to be missed when they arrange social events. God I sound a right barrel of laughs!

chocoluvva Thu 16-Aug-12 11:42:24

Perhaps you could join in with things like your older DC's school parent-teacher group. Is there a parents help group who do things for your 3YO's nursery.

SoleSource Thu 16-Aug-12 11:45:14

Msybe try tjerapy. Like and find you and you attract better peopke so they say.. I get all ypu say, being alone and being lonely are very different.

NameChangeGalore Thu 16-Aug-12 11:48:39

Sorry you're feeling like this, and you're not the only one. I seem to have become a bit of a recluse since DS was born. Some people are happy being alone (I'm a bit of an introvert, so like doing things alone) but you're obviously not.

Sorry I don't have any advice. What about mothers of your children's school friends?

You could be me too! Antisocial job, 2 days a week, lots of acquaintances, few I would call real friends.

I helped one 'friend' this winter through a cancer scare, breaking up with her bloke, money troubles and found her a brilliant job-I spent ages doing her cv, was a shoulder to cry on etc etc. Now she has the job, and i haven't heard from her in nearly 6 months. It gets me down.

I am crap at meeting new people, especially as I live abroad and don't seem to fit in that well with the locals- too 'English eccentric' for a lot of the women, but I get on great with dp's male friends (probably doesn't do me any favours really).

Most of the time I am happy with my own company though, and I enjoy doing things with just the dc.

I am lucky with the 2 true friends i have, and i miss them at the moment as they are both away!

I haven't got a clue about making new friends sad

WelshMaenad Thu 16-Aug-12 12:09:04

YANBU, I think this is very common. I'm very lonely, I moved here to bs with my DH, only 45 minutes drive from where I'm from but far enough to isolate me. I'm the first of my old gang to have kids, that's isolating too, and my approach to parenting/life is very different to the ingrained 'culture' here (I'm quite AP and they all think I'm mental, basically). It can be really challenging to meet people on my wavelength and I'm often lonely. Thank fuck for the Internet!

puds11 Thu 16-Aug-12 12:15:25

Where are you woodlandhills? I could do with some mummy friends smile

WoodlandHills Thu 16-Aug-12 13:14:15

Awww, I'm sorry to hear some of you are in the same boat sad

I am crap at meeting new people as well, I'm very shy, I have been badly bullied in the past (at school, and also in my early 20's at work) and over 10 years on it still seems to affect how I interact with people iyswim.

As for the poster that asked about mums at school, well, in 2 years of my eldest being at school not one of them has ever spoken to me, I tried at first, smiling, trying to make conversation etc and was met with either nothing or i found that if one person spoke to me one day the next day they would blank me confused . I am relatively new to the area (been here 2 years ish) and find that everyone seems to have grown up round here and all know eachother. Little one starts pre school though soon so maybe will meet people there....I can but hope lol smile

I suppose I am lucky in a way, as I have a great DH, and get a lot of support from my parents, they seem to be the only people I can rely on. I don't know what I would do without them.

and puds - I am in the midlands, how about you?

puds11 Thu 16-Aug-12 13:18:34

Ooohhh also midlands! Derby grin

Saiditagain Thu 16-Aug-12 13:47:08

I think there are a lot of mums out here who feel lonely.

I have two young DC and moved to a new town a couple of years ago. Neither of my closest friends live near me and I have found it very difficult (impossible) to make new friends in my town. Part of my problem is that I have some social anxiety. I’m reasonably self sufficient but I’m sad that I don’t have a good friend close by.

I have a couple of mum acquaintances but I can't imagine having lifelong friendships with them. The only thing we have in common are our children. I look at other mums in the school playground and see the friendships they seem to have built and wonder why I can't do the same.

My partner suggested I should make some superficial friends. In his round about way he was trying to point out that some people have casual friendships which suit a specific time in life and then move on. However, one of these people could eventually become a "real" friend…

Good luck.

JockSprockPooPongMcPlop Thu 16-Aug-12 13:53:31

I'm lonely too. Currently a SAHM with 18 month old DD. Moved to a new area a few months ago & haven't managed to find any groups to join.
We've lived in 4 different areas since DD was born & I've only made very superficial friends in each place. None that I'm still in contact with really as I'll never see them again.
I don't make friends quickly, but I think the summer holidays make things worse as all the activities seem to stop.

griphook Thu 16-Aug-12 13:58:22

Am in same boat, makes me very sad and at times depressed. Anyone in the Surrey area

Treadmillmom Thu 16-Aug-12 14:12:29

Ooh my, I totally emphasise.

I am a very confident person and converse with anyone and get along just great with everyone but strangely I too am in a zero friend zone. I’m married with 3 children.

My bestest mate of 20 years is currently contracted on the other side of the world but we regularly talk on FB and Skype and I’ll see her in the New Year, can’t wait.

My friends from my 20s have all disappeared. Five years ago one of the stronger members of the group said to us all some outrageously hurtful stuff (not for the first time), for me it was the straw that broke the camels back but in refusing to be friends anymore I lost the entire circle, women eh? PITA.

One other friend from my 20s now lives in the Emirates but we keep in touch too.

Another friend that I met 5 years ago now meets me only in her home, no lunches, no drinks, no playdates, no evenings out, no meals out but she regularly texts about stuff she’s done with people I don’t know.

My ‘mummy friends’ whom always got together during the holidays, playdates, lunches, crazy girl night outs have abruptly stopped. No end of calling or texting them has produced an outing that includes ME yet FB is full of statuses of them all together. I have been upfront and asked directly what’s changed and I get shrugs, looks of surprise, assurances that everything is fine but as they say ‘actions speak louder than words’.

I joined a local Socialising group and went alone to a function with approx 50 other strangers and had an absolute ball. I met up with a couple of women I’d exchanged numbers with, went for drinks and dancing, had a riot, full of promises to do it again soon, where are they now?

I’ve now started a full time job which I love and the staff are great. Outside of work I workout alone, cycle alone, go to the movies alone, geez I’ve even been to a party alone. I will not allow the lack of girlfriends to keep me indoors and stop me doing the things I enjoy.

reluctanttownie Thu 16-Aug-12 16:53:15

Me too.

Childhood best friend moved to other end of country, teenage best friend betrayed me badly. Going to uni a year later than all my school friends and being in abusive relationship mesnt I drifted away from most of them. Of remaining two both changed unrecognisably, one was v hurtful to me. Uni friends - I have changed since then a lot. With some our relationships revolved mostly around alchohol anyway. Some became massive bores talking about nothing except their amazing careers and people I didn't know. Some appeared to pretty much dump me when I broke up with my ex who they all adored. One dumped me as soon as she moved in with boyfriend, although after a few attempts on my part over the years she is now sort of in contact again. I'm bad at pestering people to meet up /keep in touch because chronically insecure.

'Best friend' is my ex who I never see anymore because of his new partner. I used to go stay with him (he lives far away) even after I got married and he had new relationships. DH had no problem but it was probably niaive to think the friendship could last. Most people think it's weird.

I'm shy, have social anxiety, and find it very difficult to make new friends, esp in adulthood when you're not thrown together with people in same way as school/uni etc. Thing is I feel embarassed about it, but don't mind it as much as I feel I should, which stops me doing anything about it. I don't feel lonely most of the time, but worry too reliant on DH, passing acquiantances through hobbies, and my own company.

Hate talking about it. Feel like I'm admitting to a real taboo.

tinky19 Thu 16-Aug-12 17:07:26

Me too. very lonely.
I had a big falling out with my old school friend. I have one friend i met through work (before maternity leave) but we've moved to the other end of the country and we only really share the occasional email now.

I also worry I am too reliant on dh and parents blush who live miles away also.

I've tried groups etc but can't really get beyond the casual chat despite giving out my mobile number blush. Have actually cried over this asking dh 'why does no one like me?' such a baby!

I thought i'd made a break through when i plucked up he courage to knock on a woman's door down the road (she has 2 dc the same age as mine) she came round once and i went there but haven't heard from her in over a month now! Really think it must be me!

We'll probably be moving again soon so i can't even be bothered to go and try at the moment.

hiddenhome Thu 16-Aug-12 17:24:26

I've had to dump a few friends in the past due to one thing or another.

Where I live I don't come into contact with people that share the same interests as me and it's much the same at work, although I have made a good friend at work and we go out sometimes.

All the people that want to be my friend are boring and we have nothing in common hmm I spend a lot of time hiding from them in the playground.

I can't really be bothered to worry about it now as I'm busy with dh and the dcs these days.

Inneedofbrandy Thu 16-Aug-12 17:31:44

I have 1 friend but she doesn't have kids and doesn't quite understand why I don't want to go out binge drinking these days.

A few others but we don't see each other regular.

DP is in the Army so it's just me and the kids unless we see any family.

thb I don't like alot of people anyway, just the argh I haven't spoke to any adults face to face for 3 or 4 days gets me down.

KenLeeeeeee Thu 16-Aug-12 17:38:27

Another Billy No Mates here! I have friends all over the country but nobody really nearby. Dh has a lot of friends here (he grew up here) and though I get along with them, they either have their own lives and friends, or I don't quite 'click' with them enough to make a really deep friendship out of it. I don't have any family within a 120 mile radius either, so my social life is dependent on facebook blush

I actually can't remember the last time I went for a casual coffee with someone, or a girl's night out sad

thunderbird5 Thu 16-Aug-12 17:49:01

I couldve written every single item here! and at the risk of sounding saintly and pathetic I too always seem to make the first move contacting 'friends'...the telephone/mobile etc works both ways. I have suffered from chronic depression all my life, and have lost people cos they couldnt handle me, understandable but it still hurts.. altho Ive tried to keep chin up most of the time, and only my closest friends knew about my illness. But they've all, except one, left. and the one left is a fair distance away so not just round the corner.Im also very shy but friendly. but having a sn child keeps people away too as they dont understand the demands of an sn child. I guess thats when I found out who my real friends were...before I became a mum i was basically a doormat and then suddenly i couldnt be there at the click of their fingers and therefore felt used. and being a sm and have no family support i rely on my freinds a lot yet they never seem to be there the rare times I do call on them. im not alone, i have a child, but im so lonely. maybe mumsnet could set up a page for lonely people for us all to empathise and 'chat' with? and i think proper friends should be like marriage vows, for better or worse, in sickness and health etc etc.

charlottehere Thu 16-Aug-12 17:56:45

YANBU. I moved to a new area a year ago and really don't have any close friends here, I have people i am frindly with but prehaps because of DCs being same age? confused Or maybe they will develop.

I think more people are in this situation than we think. sad I also tried netmums it was crap. I am currently pregant and hop to make new friends after I have the baby. <sigh>

charlottehere Thu 16-Aug-12 18:02:13

Actually feeling it today as DD has had some problems with other children being mean to here and its become apparent we are the newcomers and treading on toes. sad

serendippity Thu 16-Aug-12 18:05:12

Ahh Woodland, I'm so going to be in the same boat as you soon. I have a group of increadibly close freinds i have only reeally just met over the last year and it feels as tho we've know each other forever. My dd was 7 when we met at ds's playgroup and it took me that long feeling very isolated and lonely to meet them. Now we're moving (to the midlands weirdly enough!!) possibly to Daventry where i know no one again and terrified it will take me another 7 years or possibly longer to find another group of lovely people to call freinds!!

Do you have a sure start centre near you? they are fab and have lots on as a way for mums and kids to meet each other, they can also put you in touch with other mums.
Hold out hope for pre school, that's where my lovely freinds were found at last smile and keep talking here!!

Jules666 Thu 16-Aug-12 18:33:03

This is spooky. Just came onto the puter to start a thread as I'm feeling really lonely and found this one!!

I could have written the OP myself. I have one friend (my ex neighbour) who I see about every 2 months and that's it. I started a friendship with another mother at school as our son's are friends but haven't heard from her since school broke up. Even before then she would only go somewhere if I drove her (doesn't like driving even though has a car) which, to be honest, got a bit fed up with as I'm on my own with 2 kids so would be nice not to have to drive all the time.

Used to be in a group of other couples who went camping but once my marriage broke up and I developed arthritis so couldn't drive for long distances they wouldn't even do one trip that was nearish that I would be able to go to. All the trips were to the other side of the country.

Met a friend through Meet a mum on netmums but she only wanted someone when her husband was out doing his hobbies. Wasn't interested when hubby was around.

We could do with some sort of meet up thingy on mumsnet. I'm in South Yorkshire if anyone is near.

issimma Thu 16-Aug-12 18:47:24

I have child-free friends from school/uni. Some have pretty much dumped me since having dd 18mo ago, others are fab, but I feel so boring and have nothing to talk about with them. Them - work, parties, men, travel, festivals. Me - sahm w gorgeous toddler, married.
Have met some 'mum' friends - some of whom I can see becoming proper friends - but nights out are hard - takes babysitter logistics, and daytime chats hard too as there's always a baby or toddler kicking off! And I don't like constant baby chat.
So yes, am lonely too.

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