Mother takes DD to church and teaches her religion against my wishes

[Andifnotnow]

My mother looks after DD a day / couple of afternoons a week. They seem to have a happy relationship and most of the time I'm happy with that arrangement. However, sometimes during that time my mother is wont to take her to church and teaches her about God.

I am completely non religious and find it disturbing when my 4 year old starts repeating things she has been told about God, death, heaven and hell. I appreciate that people have their beliefs and I am not against that in others. However it just deeply upsets me to have my DD taught about those things an if it weren't for my mother the word and concept of "god" would not be in her vocabulary or head. She is attending a non denominational school and I would like her to make up her own mind when she is old enough to understand, and not be indoctrinated by stealth when she is so little.

Both me and DH have repeatedly asked my mother not to do that, and she pretends to go along with our wishes, until the next time.... and next. To the extent that I feel I just cannot trust her with it at all.

I am now thinking of calling her church and telling them that my DD is being brought there without my consent, am I being unreasonable? Have I got any legal right to stop that?

Otherwise I don't know what else to do, cut off contact between my mother and DD?

[Kayano]

Well she is only learning about it, why not just teach her your beliefs too? What are the church going to do? Get the priest to kick out granny and a child? Hardly.

You would have to stop it yourself

[lovebunny]

well, you could cut off contact.
or you could tell your child that around five billion people are believed to profess links with a religion, even though you see no sense in it at all.
why not just explain that grandma believes this, and you believe something else?
children can cope.

[tryingtonotfeckup]

I would be really angry that it is being done against your and your DH wishes, it is completely disrespectful, especially as you have asked her not to and she is ignoring you.

Is the time she is with your mother just time together or are you working? If you are working how about arranging childcare full time and taking your mother out of the loop. You don't have to cut off contact between your mother and DD, but she just sees her when you are there.

I'm not sure calling the church would help, even if they do stop her coming in, she could go elsewhere. Could try it or threaten it to show how serious you are, but if you do you need to go through with it, if required.

[Kayano]

Ps I was brought up in the church and in catholic schools and I don't believe, there is no secret brainwashing FYI

[ditavonteesed]

I would be livid, but I have to say you dont like the way someone looks after your dd you will have to pay someone else to do it the way you want.

[TeamGBIWI]

It doesn't really matter what she's doing - this isn't actually about religion - it's about your mother doing what she wants and going against your express wishes.

Stop using your mother for childcare and pay a professional to do the job.

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Has your mother recently found God or has she always had him? Coz if you were brought up in a religious household and are now vehemently against religion, no reason to see why your daughter shouldn't be the same.

O/T as it seems a good a place as any. Parent who think a child should decide for themselves, how is the child going to do that if they aren't ever exposed to religion? puzzled

However, on the face of what you have posted, your mother is going against your wishes (whether those wishes are reasonable is another matter entirely) but I don't think depriving her of her grandmothers company is the way forward.

[Sirzy]

If you hide her from religion then how is she to make up her own mind?

If your not happy then you don't let her look after your daughter. It's hard to ask your mother not to go to church when she normally does. I assume you knew your mothers faith was important when you let your dd stay with her?

[ScarletLadyOfTheNight01]

I really wouldn't be happy, but it would be a shame to ruin an otherwise good relationship over it. Can you not just sit her down and explain that her nan believes one thing and other people believe other things. I'm sure she could get her head round it at that age.

[twofingerstoGideon]

The point is: you've asked her not to take her there and she's continuing to do so. What she is seeing/hearing there is almost a secondary concern. If I asked my mother not to take DD somewhere (eg. swimming for the sake of argument) and she continued to do it, I'd be pissed off.

So on that basis YANBU.

[MrsHHanssen]

There's a massive difference between hiding a child from religion and someone taking a child to church against the express wishes of the parents.

OP, look for alternative childcare.

[ReallyTired]

I think you need to pay for a nanny and interview her carefullly. However its against the law to require a nanny to be an athetist.

However many private childcare providers will also teach your child about "god/s". My daughter has learnt about divali, randadam, the tenats of buddism as well as christianity at nursery. When my son attended a childminder he learnt about God as well. Its called following the early years foundation stage rather than indoctination.

By the way there are no secular schools in the UK. My son's community primary school has plenty of christian teaching. It may well be school were your dd has picked up the concept of God from rather than your mother.

"Otherwise I don't know what else to do, cut off contact between my mother and DD?"

Surely this problem will resolve itself when your daughter starts school and is full time. Cutting contact with your parents is not a step to be taken lightly.

[chandellina]

My nana used to take me to church, I think it was good to be exposed to it though my parents weren't and I'm not religious. I don't see the harm.

[JumpingThroughHoops]

I don't know any churches (locally) that still have mid afternoon services, the congregation numbers are too small. OP are you sure this isn't just some form of localised coffee morning or toddler group that in a church?

[CaptainHetty]

I think it depends on what context your mum is teaching your DD about religion in.

I'm completely atheist but I'm not against my children being taught about religion because I want them to decide these things for themselves. I do, however, object to them being taught religion as fact. By all means teach it to them as something that many people believe (the same way I would explain what I believe to them) and explain that lots of people interpret it differently, and believe in many different things. But I would be annoyed if they were being taught it as fact, without a doubt.

[CuttedUpPear]

I would be really angry.
It's no different from any other personally held belief and it's no business of any adult to push their superstitions on a small child.

[jandymaccomesback]

Jumping I agree with you that the child won't know what she's making her mind up about unless she has some experience of religion.
OP We are a Christian family(all except my DF) Two of our children are Christians, one is not. They all made their own choices, and I'm sure your DD will too.

[carycach]

Just explain to your DD that x is what grandma believes, y is what Daddy and i believe, but you are free to believe whatever you want.

[glastocat]

I would be livid. My son wastes enough time on religious studies at schhol (in Ireland it takes up quite a lot of time in the curiculum), I wouldnt want him receiving any more indoctrination. Actually I have a similar problem with my Catholic MIL, she agitated for years for us to Christen J, when we refused she bombarded us with priests, slipped J religious pamphlets etc etc, it was totally maddening. I am from Northern Ireland so do not view religion as a nice fluffy thing to have, so I am afraid in your case I would be telling your mum if she doesn't respect your beliefs on this you will be looking for other child care. But then I do feel very strongly about this, YMMV.

[Andifnotnow]

Just wanted to add that it's a new Shinto offshoot sect and not a Christian / mainstream religion.

I am not using my mother for childcare on any sort of regular basis!!!

And I want DD to make up her mind when she is old enough to think critically.

I was raised to be a Catholic and would consider what passed as religious education back then to be indoctrination.

Right now she is just expressly going against our wishes. I suppose I'm asking am I being unreasonable to expect her to follow my wishes even if I am not there? Should you take it for granted that you can trust your mother?

[Sirzy]

Is the time you are asking your mother to look after your DD a time she normally goes to church though?

You say its indoctrination yet you aren't religious so why are you so worried about your child being exposed to beliefs that differ to yours?

[LeeCoakley]

It depends whether she is teaching her about religion or getting her to participate in religion. She may feel that she is providing the balance for your dd to make up her own mind later. I wouldn't be happy about participation but I wouldn't have a problem if it was a some-people-believe type of conversation. Re non-denom schools they are just as 'religious' as any other state primary e.g. broadly christian assemblies (requirement of the NC) and anything else the HT decides e.g. saying Grace, crucifixes in the classrooms, God/Satan edicts etc. You can never tell!

[Lilithmoon]

I would be pretty annoyed by this as well. If you have asked her not to talk about it and she is ignoring you that is not acceptable imo. I think you need to look for other childcare.
On the other had, in my experience this kind of thing could be coming from school... We are atheists and bringing our DD up in a non religious way. We purposefully picked a 'non religious' school (in England). However she still has an 'act of worship' in assembly which is Christian and she often tells me about god and heaven in quite a lot of detail (not death and hell though). There is no escaping it!

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Shinto, isn't that a Buddist religion? Can't really comment as I don't know enough about it, but I would have thought that was a peaceable thing? Honouring ancestors?

Am I barking up the wrong tree?

[mercibucket]

There is no such thing as a (state) school that doesn't teach about god(s)
Mine go to a non-church school too. They learn about the God of muslims, christians and jews, and the gods of hinduism (I know that cos they've told me about them). No doubt the curriculum covers other religions as well. There's also a daily worship
Or do you mean yo withdraw your child from all those classes? Even then, she will talk to other children. You can't magic away the word God, you know
Wrt your mum. Is she taking her to eventa run at the church eg messy church? I think that's lovely but if you've said no, your mum should listen. This is between you and your mum - of course you can't phone the church up! If your mum won't listen, you don't have many options - find alternative childcare or keep trying to convince your mum.
Easier all round to go with the 'this is what my mum/your friend from school/the neighbour believe but I think ...' I'd have thought