To not want my 12 year old Step Daughter with an 18 year old man? LONG!

[BOMgoneoff]

So, I need advice. And I admit this thread will probably end up in the hands of my step daughter (depending on it's suitability, don't hold back as I don't have to show her and would prefer honesty)

She turned 12 last week and confided in me at the weekend that she has met an 18 year old man on Facebook who lives abroad and she has started a long distance relationship with him. They talk a lot and I gather that he texts her too as she has a picuture of him onher phone.

She says he is very sweet and hasn't said anything inappropriate to her. She says he is different from the boys at school and understands her.

She has told her mother, who has told her partner. They are fine with it as long as there are no plans to meet and if they do want to meet up, the mother will go.

I have a bad relationship with the mother and so can't talk to her about it. She and DSD have always referred to their relationship as one of 'best freinds' rather than mother and daughter. I wonder if she doesnt agree with this turn in events but doesn't want to appear to be un-cool... or if she thinks it's fine as it's only online and he lives in another country.

I've checked out his profile and he is very grown up, a proper man. He has heaps of young girls on his frind list i would say aging from 11 to 20. More of these than men or boys.

I told her at the time that I wasn't happy with it and questioned what a grown man want's with a 12 year old. She asked that i don't tell her father and I havent yet. I am thinking that I need to tell her that i am going to tell him so as not to betray her confidence outright.

I would however like some views on this from the outside. The reason is that obviously her mother is her carer (we have 50/50 access) and she is managing this her own way. Is it my place to get involved?

From where I am sat i can't help it.

Thoughts?

[therugratref]

This screams grooming to me. Her mother needs to stop being her best friend and start being her mother.

[NoCarbsBeforeMarbs]

YANBU.

Definitely not Ok.
What would an 18 year old male have in common with a 12 year old girl?

My DD is 12 and I would not allow it. Very worrying.

[squeakytoy]

The first thing to do is tell her father. Sorry, but this is his daughter and he has a right to know. She is still a child, and a rather naive one too by the sounds of it. In these sort of circumstances, keeping a secret is a very bad idea and she is not old enough to demand that sort of confidence being kept.

I wouldnt speak to her mother, let her father deal with that.

[Childishoos]

1. what is a 12 year old doing with a facebook profile - you can report it and she can be banned.
   

1. She hasn't "met" someone, she is being groomed. You can report him to facebook, you can also phone the non-emergency number for your local police and ask for advice, alternatively you can call the NSPCC for impartial advice.
   

1. You absolutely have to tell her father, he is her parent, he needs to know and has a right to know.

[amberleaf]

Thats just wrong.

Is her mother insane?

Sounds like classic 'grooming'

Tell her father, fuck breaking her confidence she is a child and is at serious risk.

I would be calling the police.

[Conflugenglugen]

OMFG! No, noooooooo! How can this in any way be right?



YANBU. Not one iota. This is grooming. No two ways about it. None.

[BoscosBox]

You need to tell her dad about this . I would be taking her off FB TBH but you need to protect her by letting her father know what she has told you .

[MarionCole]

Agree with the others, this is not right.

I would make sure she knows how glad you are that she has told you.

[BOMgoneoff]

I wish she had never gone on FB. We weren't going to allow it but she joined at her mum's house and said she was 13. I beleive this man thinks she is 13 as well as that is what her profile says.

[CareyFakes]

YANBU.

I started my relationship with DD's father at 12, nothing sexual from me till I turned 16. I realise now (we met up 10 years later, 5 months later I'm pregnant and he's gone) that he was inappropriate. I was naive, young and innocent, his intentions were unadmirable and wrong.

I would be worried, it doesn't sit right with me and I would tell her you will have to speak with her father about it.

[Childishoos]

It doesn't make any difference if he thinks she is 12 OR 13.

[knittedbreast]

there is no reason on earth for an 18 year old man to be in a relationship with an 11 year old girl. if he cant get an adult relationship from a woman roughly his own age theres something wrong with him. if he can but hes choosing 11year olds then there might be something much worse going on.

if you ask any 18 yr old boy if they would date an 11/12 yr old most of them would say thats sick.

can you not explain to her that if she was 20 and he was 29 things would be different, both adults looking for the same things in a relationship but i fail to see what a 12 yr old and 18 share anyway.

im sure she likes him very much, older men can be very impressive and exciting.
could you not ask some 18 yr old lads to come and have a chat with her and explain why they dont date 12 yr olds and why they would be shocked if one of their mates decided too. they could also explain how easy it might be for them to sound like they are saying all the right things to someone so young to gain her trust/

problem is she wont beleive you, or if she does her new exciting feelings for him will be of more importance so maybe getting her to chat to some real men of that age might make her see why she shouldnt be with a man that would consider a 12 yr old suitable relationship material and basically stay well clear of men like that

[BOMgoneoff]

It's all so shit. I finally feel like she is trusting me and confiding in me and like we can have a positive relationship and now she's going to go straight back in to the arms of her 'fun' mum and probably hate her dad and I

Got to be done though, I know.

[squeakytoy]

13 is still an underage CHILD.

I dont have a problem with kids being on facebook, but only if their account is strictly patrolled by a responsible parent, who is also on there as a friend and keeps a high public presence on their childs wall too, so that any dodgy people can see straight away that a parent is monitoring the child.

[Conflugenglugen]

Whether he thinks she's 12 or 13 is really immaterial though, don't you think?

[albania]

I'd report him on facebook, and I'd list grooming as the reason.
Him having plenty of 11 year olds as his friends - this along with him being 'in a relationship' with a barely turned 12 year old little girl, screams something very loudly at me.

I might well consider calling the police too, and I wouldn't hesitate if he had tried to meet up with her.

She's unlikely to see herself as being groomed, and either way I think your relationship with her is going to have a bit of a breakdown, but she does need some help. This is not 'ok', it's not 'normal' and both she and her mother need to see that immediately. An 18 year old trying it on with a little girl who is not yet even a teenager, this is Not Ok. YANBU

[squeakytoy]

BOM, it really doesnt matter if it turns into a row, in the long run, she will have far more respect for you and know that you care about her wellbeing.

That is the role of a parent, not to be the kids best bloody friend.

[BOMgoneoff]

Ah yes, that was her arguement - "but there are 14 years betwen you and dad!"

[BoscosBox]

It seems to me she needs a real mum not a "fun" mum sorry op but you need to step in here and protect her .

[catchafallingstar]

She has asked you not to tell her father- so she obviously knows deep down that something is wrong here.
Ask her why she doesn't want her dad to know? Then explain to her that because it's such a serious matter he willhave to know.

Contact police and Internet safety group- is it CEOPS and cancel her facebook account.

Of course this is not normal.

[FabbyChic]

It is not acceptable for an 18 year old to interact with a 12 year old girl.

Sorry, there is more to this than meets the eye.

Even if he was 15 I'd be saying too old.

But 18? Tell her father he deserves to know.

Do not keep this from him.

[discobeaver]

You don't need to read further than she has met a man on facebook to set the alarm bells ringing. He is probably not 18 he could be anything. He could be a gang of paedophiles.
Tell her dad definitely. WTF kind of mother agrees to going with a 12 year old to meet an 18 year old man anyway?
Good luck op this sounds potentially very dangerous.

[thebestisyettocome]

She may 'hate' you now but she will get older and realise how awesome you are and how lucky it was that you were sensible.

[squeakytoy]

Dont pander to a little girls comparisons... tell her when she is an adult she can go out with someone old enough to be her grandad, but for now, she is a child, this man is an adult, and there is no negotiation.

[SleepEvadesMe]

An 18 year old is too old to be having a relationship with a 12 year old, no matter what the circumstances, in my opinion. Even if it is a relationship conducted solely online/over the phone rather in person he could still be asking her to send inappropriate pictures of herself or engage in other activities online ( e.g. via a webcam) that are illegal for a girl her age to be taking part in. And as we all know, once material is out there on the internet there is no going back. I know that this is unpleasant to think about but it absolutely is a reality and your first prority is to protect DSD, who is still very much a child.

And all this is even assuming that he is actually 18. The picture he has sent her could be of anyone, his Facebook profile could be completely false and yes ok she can probably tell from his voice that he's not a 55 year old man but is it so easy to distinguish between an 18 year old's voice and a 30 year old's for example.

The key issue here is ensuring that DSD is not at risk from being exploited. She will certainly not thank you for it now but I think you need to tell DP, he needs to protected his child as it seems that the mother isn't going to do anything about it. I would sit down DSD and explain the reasons why it's necessarily to tell DP, not that she is in but reiterate the dangers of people not being who they say they are on the internet, that it's not ok for 18 year old boys to be having a romantic relationship with a girl who has only just turned 12...I'm sure she will be very mad at you but she will realise when she's older that you are following your duty to protect her.