My GF would like another child - I don't

[Niceguy2]

Hi all

Am posting here for a female opinion. I'm completely torn as to what to do.

About 18 months ago I met my now GF. She's everything I've ever dreamed about in a woman and we quickly fell in love.

I'm a full time single dad to 2 kids. A daughter 13, nearly 14 and a son who is 9. My GF has a son who is 3.

We moved in together after about 10 months together and so far we're happy and getting on well.

However, one thing I was aware of before she moved in was that I knew she would like another child. So before we did it, I was totally honest with her and told her that I did not. As far as I'm concerned, 3 kids is more than enough. Having lived with someone for years who also had 2 kids, I know that 4 kids is tough. 3 is still hard ofc.

Anyway, I did tell her at the time that I definitely did not want more and if she definitely DID then that perhaps she needed to find someone else. And that I did not want her coming back to me in x years time saying "I thought you'd change your mind". Because I won't. She thought about it and told me she didn't like it but she'd accept it. Great I thought.

So over the last year I've suggested getting the snip a couple of times and each time she says she doesn't want me to. She says it seems so final and that although she knows I don't want kids, she is clinging onto hope that there's still a chance. Last night she said she knows that this is something she needs to get her head around.

Wow, thats a long post. I really don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable saying no to another child? It's not helping that a lot of our friends are all getting married & pregnant!!

I don't want to lose her. My world would end but at the same time I feel like I am standing in her way. And if I agreed to have another child then I would not be being honest with myself either. I like our life as it is. Another child would completely throw it into chaos.

[Tootlesmummy]

That's a tricky one but YANBU, you knew you didn't want more children and made it clear from the outset so I think you have been fair.
Do you think life would be worse without her or with her and another baby?
Would you resent her and a new baby?

[Mittz]

I completely sympathise with both sides because to a certain extent, you also accepted her on the basis that you knew she did want another child. And in a way are equally hoping that she will change and stop wanting one. And I say that with sadness not as a criticism because this is truly a catch 22 situation, you will both be sacrificing something important to you as individuals if either 'changes'.

As much as you know you don't want another child, and the chaos it will cause (and I truly understand where you are coming from because I feel very similarly to yourself), then down the line it may pain her that she didn't have another child.

Talking and honesty is good and if neither of you can accept the situation, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship, because I am sorry, but it is not something that will go away.

I have an Aunt that was in a similar situation who threw herself into being 'mum' to her stepchildren and forged an amazing career for herself. Her and my uncle have been married for over 30 yrs. Whether she has any inner sadness and regrets, I have no idea, but she is an amazing woman and gives no impression of bitterness or regret.

I sincerely hope this can be resolved and your love remain intact x

[Niceguy2]

Thanks guys.

Tootles, I do love her but I do worry that if she did get pregnant that I would resent it.

A friend of mine, his girlfriend took herself off the pill without telling him and whilst he loves his son, my friend has never been able to forgive her.

As such I think it would destroy our relationship.

I think had she not had any kids then I might have considered it but she's got one child, I've got two. I think that's enough and whilst in a perfect world we'd have kids together, nothing in our life is perfect.

She once said that the reason she wants another child is that she wants that close relationship she enjoyed with her sisters for her son. And also that if we ever did split, she'd not be left with just one child and too late to have another. She did also admit logically the latter didn't make sense! ie. to have a child in case we split up! lol

I do love her. I'd be lost without her but that said, having had two serious relationships prior, I know I'd survive.

I guess I want my cake and to eat it. Perhaps I let her get a cat instead!

[darkandstormy]

Stick to your guns, you were honest and open and she has moved the goalposts.Can't understand why she wants another anyway I would have thought you both have your hands full.Maybe she feels a tad insecure and thinks a mutual baby would cement relationship more.I think she is being v unfair on you tbh.

[icer]

I think the fact that you're quite open to the fact of it ending and that you dont view it any different to serious relationships that you've had in the past that have ended,that you should end it yourself, even she's talked about it ending, so i think you're both best walking away right now. There doesnt seem any strength to your relationship, which you would need if she's going to compromise what she wants.

[CarGirl]

I understand both of your points of view and they are both valid.

How old is your dp?

[elvislives]

It's a difficult situation because there is no compromise. Either you get what you want, or she gets what she wants. I do feel you are being a bit unfair saying "three's enough", because you've got two, while she only has one of her own.

In 4 years time your DD may have left home and your DS will be in his teens. Your nice ordered life is going to change anyway. Will it really make that much difference to have one more child?

The desire for another child is very strong. It won't just go away. I think you both need to sit down and have a really frank discussion about how you feel.

[Tootlesmummy]

That's honest and I think that you should explain to her that you'd resent her if she had another one and it's up to her if she feels that she'd resent you if she didn't then you weren't meant to be together.
Don't do it if your heart isn't in it, it would be a mistake.

[muggglewump]

You have to make her see clearly that you won't ever change your mind, and I think you should do that by having the snip.

I was sterilised at 30 after pone child, partly because I'd had two unplanned pg's whilst using contraception, and partly because I want to be able to say to a guy that I can't have more, so they'll know straight out, and won't stick around hoping I'll change my mind.
I wont date anyone with children either

[valleyqueen]

Yanbu at all you sound very honest. This was the reason I split with my last bf he wanted children and I didn't want anymore (I only ever wanted 1). I was honest with him from the start but he kept trying to wear me down so this along with other factors made me realise it wasn't going to work. I think you need to sit down and really talk to her making it absolutely clear this won't happen.

[Niceguy2]

Icer, I do view this relationship as different. With the others, I knew in my heart they would end one day, even if my head refused to listen. With this one I sincerely hope it goes the distance. As I said earlier I would be lost without her.

Elvis, I appreciate what you say and I know that. That's why I had the blunt discussion before she moved in. I was clear that if having another child was a dealbreaker that we should walk away then.

Cargirl, I am 37, DP is 30.

Her best mate just had another baby. Her sister will probably have one in the next couple of years. I guess its just a constant reminder for her whilst all the time her biological clock is going tick tock.

Part of me thinks I should tell her I'm having the snip next year. Giving a timeframe may force her to start seriously facing the situation because I sense she's living in denial at the moment. That way she either breaks my heart now (which is better than later) or she deals with it and we can both move on without this cloud hanging over us.

I'd love to be able to say "Yes, sod it lets do it!" but i really really don't want another child! The hard reality is we have 3 and yes, two are mine whilst she has one. If I had a magic wand, I'd change it but neither of us can undo the past.

[valiumSingleton]

well I don't blame you. If i ever meet somebody again I certainly don't want to have more kids. been there done that!

HOWEVER

[Snorbs]

I think you need to make a decision one way or the other about having a vasectomy. If you're determined not to have any more children - and that's a decision you'll need to make for yourself - then it's not fair on your DP to keep putting it off. You'll be giving her false hope that you might change your mind.

[CarGirl]

Okay at 30 she is plenty young enough to find someone else to have more children with!

I think you have to book having the snip and have that very frank discussion with her.

Do you think you could go to relate together because it could help the decision of stay or split happen much quicker and with more emotional honesty.

My dh agreed (then dp) agreed to me having one more child with me because I honestly knew I wouldn't forgive him if he didn't and couldn't see a future together. He doesn't resent that but we had 2 very young children at the time so it wasn't starting over IYSWIM.

[gillybean2]

Are you absolutely sure that she's not worth it, given what you've said about your relationship with her...

Her need and want for another will not go away.
I've always wanted a second but never been lucky enough to find a decent man to do that with. Even at 40 I haven't given up hope and would love to have another baby, to the point of considering doing it alone again.

Another lady I used to work with had severe PND and couldn't contemplate another at the time. She now regrets that choice.

Maybe she wants to cement your relationship, maybe she loves the baby stage and now her own dc is no longer a baby that has hit home to her, and maybe it's just a deep instinct that she can't explain.

And you're right that every time she hears that someone is pregnant (sister, friends) it will be painful to her.

If you are really adament that you will not have another baby under any circumstances (would an accident been an unhappy one for you?), that is a total deal breaker for you, then you have to let her go, and do it now.
Not to do so would be selfish on your part because you know she wants another baby and you know she is hoping, even despite your frank talk, that you will change your mind.

Don't say it will be a year before you have the snip. Go to teh doctor this week and sort it out. Don't prolong the agnoy. By doing so you are giving her that continued hope that it may happen one day.

[valiumSingleton]

For once I agree with snorbs.

Book yourself in for a vasectomy in a few months. This way your gf will know for sure that you 'coming round' is not a possible outcome. At least then she'll know that.

[Fluffyone]

I don't thinkyou are being unreasonable, and I do think you need to sit down and sort this out for once and for all. Hard as it will be for both of you, you were very clear about how you felt before you moved in together. If she can no longer accept that, then she needs to realise that you aren't going to change your mind and make her decision accordingly. If she got pregnant now (maybe "forgetting" her pill) I think it would be disastrous for your relationship.
I think you also need to decide how you would feel about a baby accident, and if that would be bad, then the snip needs to happen sooner rather than later. As said above, don't hold out false hope.
Good luck, I hope this works out well for both of you.

[valiumSingleton]

and gillybean2, we all agree! wow!

[Fluffyone]

Why book a vasectomy in a few months or next year? To give time for an accident to happen?

[valiumSingleton]

If she loves niceguy2 though, she wouldn't risk ruining their relationship by doing that.

She sounds nice. nicegirl2.

It's kinda sad really.

[Niceguy2]

Gillybean, I would marry her tomorrow if I could. Something I'd never ever have said with either of my ex's, even the mother of my children. So I really don't think its a matter of cementing the relationship. Anyway, having a child to cement a relationship to me is a poor reason. I think its just the deep instinct.

I think i will have to force the issue (again!) sooner rather than later which is not as easy as it sounds since her mum is staying with us at the moment.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

YANBU. If you are certain, then she needs to respect that. She can either live with it or she can't. Be prepared for this to be a dealbreaker, though, because there is no compromise. Good luck.

[Niceguy2]

The thought of losing her fills me with fear. But so does having another child.

Stuck between a rock & a hard place.

[CarGirl]

What fills you with fear about having another child?