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Teenagers

Please come and talk to me, 13 year old dd

107 replies

abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 07:32

Just so that I don't dripfeed, dd just turned 13 two weeks ago. Lovely child, never a days problem with her. She does well at school, is popular, sporty etc. Since her birthday, she has changed quite a bit.

Little things really, but noticeable. Last week she wanted a Macdonalds burger after school. I said no as I didn't have time to go there, and really we don't eat Macdonalds all that often, so I was quite unusual for her to ask for one. The meltdown that took place when I said no was just ridiculous. It was not because she was starving hungry as when we got home (straight from school so she didn't even have to wait more than 10 minutes for something to eat) as I made her a sandwich and she didn't eat it.

She has also recently met with some kids from the area and they hang out at weekends. One of these is a boy who is 16. I think that he quite fancies her. He seems a nice kid, he has been to our house before as we do know his parents (not well, but to say hello and have a chat etc).

She is a fantastic dancer and for the next few weeks is dancing in competitions which she has worked hard for. She loves to dance and it is her thing, its not something I have pushed her to do, its is by choice.

So yesterday as practise I videoed her so that she can see and work on anything, quite a normal thing for us to do.

THis morning I got her phone to transfer the videos onto my computer so that she can see it on the bigger screen later today, this also is quite a normal thing for us to do. So imagine my shock this morning, when I go into her videos and last night at 11pm she and this boy have been sharing videos of themselves..... naked, him wanking and her lying in bed naked and touching herself.

I can honestly tell you that I am floored! I am so upset. I know some will say she is 13 and exploring herself etc etc, and its normal. But this isn't normal for her. She hasn't really had any interests in boyfriends until this. I then went on to read the whatsapp messages, and the things he is saying to her are just unbelievable. She is just a young girl, and its like he is grooming her. You are so beautiful, i love your eyes, your hair, you make me horny, show me your breasts etc etc. I am sitting here crying, I am just so incredibly upset right now.

I wasn't happy about her hanging around with the boy to be honest, he is quite a bit older (i have a son of 16 too so I do know what they are like), and although she has told me she hasn't seen him, its quite clear they have been in contact a lot on the phone.....

I don't have anyone to talk to this about, if I said anything dh, this will not end well. He is not a calm person (which I am moreso) and if he finds out I hate to think what he would do. It just better if he doesn't know quite frankly.

So I have now turned off her phone and put it away and I am going to remove her phone from her. I cannot even talk to her about this until much later today, as she is dancing in comp after school, so I really cant let anything show beforehand. The competition is very important to her.

Please can anyone just chat to me.

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Archduke · 03/08/2015 07:37

Hi Abyssiniam, what a horrible shock for you. That is pretty full on, I think a calm but strong chat is in order after the dance comp. Can you take her somewhere for a bite to eat after the comp? explain to her the ramifications of sharing such explicit stuff with this boy.

Also i would be having a word with dh too tbh.

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Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 07:42

Totally unacceptable. He's 16 and so this is very dodgy territory. Grooming. She is very vulnerable. Go to the police

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tvlover1234 · 03/08/2015 07:42

Not much advice other than telling her that bad things could happen with those videos or photos.

At 13 a lot of girls in my school were doing it and sadly for one, one boy put it on social media and the girl was suicidal.

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ihatethecold · 03/08/2015 07:44

There are much wider ramifications of naked photos being shared.
The boy can be put on the sex offenders register because your dd is under age.
(If the police were to find out)
I would be discussing this if it was my dd.
I fear you have to tread carefully with this so you don't push her away.
I agree with the poster earlier who said to go out with your dd to eat and have a chat on neutral territory.
The tantrum about the McDonalds I would just ignore.

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tsonlyme · 03/08/2015 07:45

I'm not surprised you're horrified! I thought schools were good at teaching kids the possible consequences of this kind of thing nowadays? I'm sure I don't need to tell you how quickly that video could get around not to mention the criminal aspect of him having sexually explicit material of a minor, especially one who is more than two years younger than him. That's an offence that would have him on the the sex offenders register in the blink of an eye.

I think you need to talk to her and also his parents. Whether or not you contact the police is up to you, the ramifications are very serious.

Yes they do explore and they make mistakes but you do need to nip this in the bud possibly by removing all internet gadgets from her (until she's about 30yrs old should do it!)

What s horrible shock, hope you're coping ok and have someone to talk to in real life too.

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Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 07:47

Go to the police. He's commuting an offence.

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Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 07:47

Committing rather!

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QOD · 03/08/2015 07:48

My friends dd did this
The boy circulated pics and video

Social services consider her a child at risk

He was potentially to be charged with child pornography offences

She has had to change Schools

Your dd needs to know all this.
I think you have to involve his parents to make sure it's all deleted his end too

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2littlefishes · 03/08/2015 07:51

I also think you need to speak to your husband about this, you keeping it secret from him won't show the united front you need.

I'd also get in touch with the boys parents. They both need to know how much trouble they could be in if images/videos of this nature got out.

Depending on the boy/ whether or not he stayed away after being warned, I'd consider reporting it to the police.

Also a good time to discuss the Dr's and don'ts if Internet/ phone use with your oldest son.

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Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 07:53

He is the responsible party, he is leading this. Your DD is being manipulated. Forget talking to his parents, they could play things down. Go through proper channels. How does he know her? Through school? I'd definitely report the issue to the police and the school.

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2littlefishes · 03/08/2015 07:53

*Do's not Dr's

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CambridgeBlue · 03/08/2015 07:53

I'm also the mum of a 13 year old who's changed a lot lately so this is horrifying for me. I can completely understand how you feel and am not sure I'd be at all rational in your place.

However as an outsider I can only say that I think how you handle this is really important - if you go off the deep end at her (tempting I know and probably justified) I think you risk pushing her away and not wanting to tell you anything important in the future. I think you need to talk about it calmly but I imagine it will be a mortifying conversation on both sides (discussing sex with your parents can be excruciating) so you might want to focus less on the specifics and more on the danger, inappropriateness etc. You might find she's glad to unburden herself a bit, there must be so much going on in her head.

I'm honestly not sure what I would do beyond that - involve his parents? The police? I don't know - but hopefully someone with more experience of teenagers will be able to advise.

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Holberg · 03/08/2015 07:54

If he is under 18, then technically she is also committing an offence by having his pictures.
I hope you get this sorted. Do you know his mum. If you told her, would she take his phone and delete the files? Would she take it seriously?

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theconstantvacuumer · 03/08/2015 07:54

Agree with previous posters: you need to tell your DH and his parents. I would also be inclined to speak to the police.

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abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 07:54

Yes God this video is quite possibly being showed around at his school today. Oh my god, i feel sick. Her face and everything is in it.

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VivaLeBeaver · 03/08/2015 07:57

Oh gosh.

I agreed think you need to tell your Dh. If he finds out later he would be upset.

My instinct is that I would go to his house and talk to him and his parents together. Read him the riot act about how close he is to child porn criminal conviction. That he could be on the sex offenders register, etc and how this would ruin his life. I would want to scare him and make sure the photos, videos are deleted.

I would give your dd a brick of a mobile with no camera. Long term.

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abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 07:59

Cambridge, yes you are right. I need to handle this the right way. I just don't know how I am going to do that, maybe by this afternoon I may have calmed down a bit. Right now I feel like getting in the car, fetching her from school and not allowing her to dance at all. I know I cant do this though...... I don't even know where to start the conversation to be honest. I know you wouldn't believe me if I said that we are extremely close and thought she shared most things with me. I just feel like I don't even know her now.

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abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 08:01

Now I am just angry. He has abused my little girl. Fuck how dare he!!

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SanityClause · 03/08/2015 08:05

She needs to be made aware of the legalities of this. This is child pornography, and he can get into very big trouble for this, and go on a sex offenders register. It's worth coming from the tack that she is putting him in a very dangerous position, as that may have more sway over her than worrying about own position.

Also, go to the parents of the boy, and speak to them about it.

By protecting the boy, you are protecting your DD.

You also need to discuss the grooming aspect with her, that someone that loves her wouldn't expect this of her at 13. She is unlikely to accept this. She will argue it's none of your business, and that they loooove each other. Just reassure her that you hope what she says is true, and that your warnings are coming from a good place because you don't want to see her hurt.

Also, discuss contraception. I know this will not be a popular thing to say on MN, but if they're going to do it, anyway, and there's little you can do to stop it, then better she doesn't get pregnant. Make sure she knows that no form of contraception is 100% effective.

Make it clear that you will continue to monitor her phone, and that a condition of her keeping the phone will be that you are able to do so.

Absolute nightmare for you!

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GinAndSonic · 03/08/2015 08:06

Shes commiting an offence by sending pictures too.

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Northernlurker · 03/08/2015 08:07

She will be angry with you for seeing this. Don't take that anger personally. It's not about you. It will be about her embarrassment and also about her desire to be independent and grown up which is something all teens have.
You need to talk to her pretty gently about the implications of the videos - both about where they could end up but also about the impact of sexual relationships on young teens. To be blunt it's not abnormal or wrong for a 13 r old to start to develop sexual feelings about herself and others. That's a normal part of growing up. The problem is that it appears the 16 yr old is exploiting that. She needs to know that when she's 20 a 3 yr age difference will mean nothing but at this age it's a significant difference in maturity and experience. Don't demonise the boy. She won't believe you anyway. She just needs to know that he's too old for at the moment and the things he's interested in, whilst exciting and probably made her feel very special, risk ultimately lead to her feeling exploited and putting herself at risk.
I wouldn't take her phone away. It's such a big deal for them. My dds have their music, their e-mail, games etc all on that. I would make clear that the phone is now a public space. You will look at it whenever you choose and if there's nothing on it - ie all messages are being deleted then it WILL need to be removed for a time. You need to be clear with her that you love her, you want to support her to keep herself safe as well as being independent and she is too precious to you for you to allow her to put herself at risk.
I would also talk to one of this boy's parents. You need to show them the video and ask them to speak to him about appropriate boundaries with younger girls. He's put himself at huge risk here and I think he probably hasn't realised that at all. You can't control how the parents will manage this but he needs some sort of warning. Obviously if you suspect any sort of grooming behaviour continuing then you may need to involve school or the police.

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LIZS · 03/08/2015 08:08

Assuming school is still on holidays then you can contact the pcso and see how they advise you to proceed. Recently discovered that similar had occurred among dd peers and coincidentally the pcso was suddenly at school giving an online safety talk. As he is 16 it is very serious and could have long term implications for his life and career plans. Your dd needs to understand that by giving him such images she may as well have posted them onto the Internet herself and how would she have advised a friend if she had been asked for similar. Hopefully that will ensure she realises the potential ramifications.

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StillFrankie · 03/08/2015 08:13

Go to the police first becuase if you think your DH may do something, perhaps violent, then he might be prevented from doing that by the knowledge the police are doing something.

I would tell the police before speaking to your daughter in case she and/or the boy delete any important evidence.

As for a female police officer.

Very alarming but remember these videos could end up all over the internet, protect your daughter

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Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 08:17

I would permanently disable the on line facility on the phone, rendering it a brick for calls

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Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 08:18

I agree with telling the police, then telling DH if you think he may react

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